1. Why it feels so good to take off your bra at the end of the day. This is why they should make little bras for testicles so they can keep them in this weird sweaty thing that you have to keep adjusting, and sometimes one of them falls out of it, and it also itches and pinches in a weird way. Then when they take it off after 10 hours, they too shall dance the dance of kings.
2. Why you’ll say something is fine when it’s not fine. I wish all women could be direct all the time, but we’re socialized from birth to be nice and polite and not get upset or be “bitchy,” which unfortunately can result in the occasional “I’m fine” while smoke comes out of our ears like a cartoon in the 1960s. Just accept this about us and also pay more attention to when we’re not fine, so you don’t have to ask that question.
3. Why catcalling is never cute or complimentary. No, a gross, sweaty, weird dude telling me I have a nice ass when I’m just trying to go home after a long day is not a really nice compliment, and no, it’s not the same as a hot girl telling you you’re hot. It’s just not. Guys cannot understand this and trying to explain it to them will always make you want to throw yourself into the sea.
4. Why bras cost so much. We don’t understand it either, so if you could pick up dinner tonight, that’d be great. We just had to buy two bras and now we can’t eat for four weeks.
5. Why buying jeans is like stepping into hell and all of the jeans were made by the devil. I have often fantasized about what it must be like to waltz into a store and be like, “My waist is a size 27!” and they bring you a bunch of jeans that fit like a glove, but that is not a thing for women. Instead, we’re faced with a pile of jeans on the floor of the dressing room and breathing into a paper bag because who are we anymore if the pair of jeans that usually fits doesn’t fit our calves for some reason. What is this life?!
6. Why we have so many pillows on our couch/bed. I’m sorry but I love being cozy. Why do you not like being cozy? Are you OK?
7. Why we need another shirt/dress/pair of shoes when we already have one that looks exactly like it. I’ll admit this is a little silly but if we have a favorite striped shirt and then we wear it and we want to wear a striped shirt a few days later, we can’t because it’s in the laundry basket. Hence, my closet full of nothing but striped shirts. That actually doesn’t make any sense, but still.
8. Why it takes so long to do eye makeup. I want you to try to take a tiny pencil and draw straight lines on it very close to the lash line and then get both eyes to look exactly the same with no variation, and then you can ask me why.
9. When you ask them to take a picture of you, you mean “upwards of 10.” Because the odds that you’re Diane Arbus behind the camera are pretty slim, so we’re going to need options (followed by an extensive period of filtering and adjustments because it’s an art, thanks).
10. That period pain is very serious and real and no freaking joke. Unfortunately, evendoctors have been found to ignore women’s menstrual cramps, which can make women less likely to speak up when something could actually be really wrong. Can’t you guys just assume it’s like a pain you’ll never experience ever and then go get us chocolate?
11. Why we ask if we look fat in something. I guess it’s because the pressure to be thin is all-consuming sometimes and because our self-esteem can fluctuate and also because we’re human beings who sometimes need emotional support? IDK.
12. Why we think romantic comedies are seriously life-giving. Actually, some dudes totally get this and they are gold among men, but the ones who don’t, dudes, I don’t know what to tell you, other than you should get some new feelings. Feelings are great.
13. Why we have 400 products in our bathroom and the weight of all of it practically buries us every time we open our medicine cabinet. We didn’t make the rules, but yes we do “need” foundation, concealer, eyeliner (so much eyeliner, in all colors), multiple eye shadow palettes, lip liner, lip gloss, lipstick, lip balm, and also 90 waxing products. I’m not even counting things like toothpaste and deodorant, and I could list another 20 things if I felt like it, but even listing these is making me tired.
14. Girl drama. I don’t have time to explain to you what patriarchy is and why it wants us all to hate each other, but let me tell you, we hate it and most of us just want to be friends with every woman on earth because every woman on earth is mostly great. Plus, it’s fun to have access to other women’s closets, TBH.
15. The difference between leggings, pantyhose, and tights. Nothing makes me laugh more than a guy calling leggings “tights.” Nothing.