riots as anything other than an ordinary public disturbance sponsored by opposition political parties and carried out by their thugs, whom the government, through relevant security agencies, would soon round up and bring to book.In truth it was anything but ordinary. The rebels were extremely organized and highly motivated, split into various groups, with a major component operating from outside the country, members of Nigeria’s gigantic diaspora community. Their tech experts had hacked into the email accounts, computers, databases and websites of virtually every major government agency, discovering secret memos and documents detailing shady dealings between government officials at the highest levels and their local and foreign collaborators, these documents had been emailed to major global news outlets and anti-corruption agencies and civil society groups. They also targeted bank accounts of corrupt government officials and their private partners who were more often than not, mere fronts for all manner of financial crime. Large chunks of the money there was spirited into special accounts which went to fund the operations on the ground, aiding the coordination and equipping of millions of young and old, poor and not-so-poor citizens as they battled federal police and soldiers as well as vigilante groups formed by die-hard pro-government citizens, made up mostly of family and friends of government officials and their business associates.Others led protests in major cities all over the world, picketing Nigerian embassies from New York to Beijing, pressuring world leaders to condemn the Nigerian government for overseeing the highest levels of corruption and corporate theft in Africa’s history. This was bearing fruit with the UN Secretary General calling for an unprecedented UN investigation into the country to determine if genocide was being carried out in north-eastern Nigeria by the military under the guise of flushing out terrorist extremists. And also to determine the scale of degradation and ecological damage that had been committed in the southern region of the country and the level of involvement of western oil companies in the inducement of government environmental agencies to look the other way while this damage was done.

Their lawyers initiated class action lawsuits in American and European courts against western companies who had collaborated with Nigerian government officials to fleece untold fortunes from a country whose general population languished in poverty. Several bankers, oil company executives and other business people had been convicted, and their companies disgraced and made to repay billions of dollars in damages and fines for massive environmental dilapidation of the Nigerian Niger Delta and refunds for kickbacks and all manner of illegal payments that they had received from Nigeria’s government. All such payments were held in trust by the Nelson Mandela Foundation for the Niger Delta people while the situation on the ground was being resolved.

It was safe to say that the task of governing Nigeria had suddenly become very difficult.

But perhaps the biggest bullet in the barrel for the rebel forces was their Leaders.
‘SOLIDARITY FOREVER, SOLIDARITY FOREVER, SOLIDARITY FOREVER. THE TRUTH IS MARCHING ON,’ Thundered Pastor Adefarasin, at the head of a mixed throng. A yuppie protester handed a wet rag to a red-eyed area-boy to soothe the effects of the tear-gas that the riot police had been spraying all morning. A high-brow Ibo banker lady was fiercely locked hand-in-hand with a young Yoruba girl who sold fresh peppers for a living; one used petrol for her generator, the other for her pepper grinder, both were incensed by the government’s decision to once again raise fuel prices.

Pastor Adeboye had almost been arrested twice for, in the words of the Inspector General of Police, ‘inciting his millions of zombie followers to ferment trouble and disrupt the public peace.’ The actual act of arrest proved easier to command than to carry out. Ranks of his church members formed a human shield between him and the policemen who came to take him away, a shield which was 200,000 men thick.

The Sultan who had reigned in Sokoto two days ago was now a political refugee in Saudi Arabia, 24 hours after publicly endorsing the government’s plan to hike fuel prices. In his place sat the former Emir of Zaria, having spent barely a year on his own throne in Zazzau he had been declared to be the new Sultan by throngs ranging from Zamfara to Taraba. In a highly unorthodox manner and hurried ceremony he was turbaned and immediately assumed control of a network of Emirs across the entire northern part of Nigeria, eventually commanding a group of Hausa/Fulani that was approximately 90 million strong. Systematically they had shut down every state government house and state assembly and taken over the residences of several individuals who were confirmed to be associates and fronts for corrupt government officials.
The Dogari, who traditionally served as personal guards of the Emirs, were drafted to head a newly formed pseudo police force. The regular police and army had suddenly remembered that they too would have to buy fuel at sky-high prices, this memory when combined with the sight of a united horde of millions of angry people convinced them to shed their uniforms, many of them joining the protests, eventually joining up with the Dogari squads, keeping the crowds orderly and making sure that the protests weren’t taken over by looters and criminals.

At the start of the protests Pastor Tunde Bakare had been arrested. On the recommendation of the leaders of the Christian Association of Nigeria as well as several government officials he had been taken by the SSS outside his church in Ikeja just after his regular Sunday service. He had smiled his familiar, slightly gap-toothed smile, flashed a V-for-victory salute and entered their Toyota jeep with blacked-out windows. He was released later that evening at the request of a very sick first lady; she had taken violently ill that same day.

Nigeria, the African giant that had proved over the past 5 decades to be full of docile, gullible and corruptible citizens in equal parts, was definitely showing a different side.

‘Ayo, Ayoooo’. The sickly first lady half coughed, half shouted.

‘Yes your excellency’, replied the immediate past president of the Christian Association of Nigeria.

Ayo Oritsejafor had been voted out of office and replaced by Matthew Kukah in a move that marked a beginning of the cleansing of the Association of Christian leaders. His retinue of scandals and improprieties had finally overwhelmed him, the latest being the court-ordered forfeiture of his private jet due to an accumulation of unpaid airport hangar charges.

‘I thought you said that this my head-aching will disappear away after your prayers. It is still aching me o! Or is it because they sacked you from that you people’s CAN that your prayers can no longer working.’

‘At all your excellency, just wait awhile, faith worketh by patience ma. And I was not sacked. That crafty Kukah conspired to rig the elections. We are appealing it ma.’

Blurted a sorry looking Ayo in response, his hair was disheveled and a bit greyer than usual but he was still able to interpret Her Excellency’s brand of English.

Meanwhile in the Federal Executive Council Chambers, the President was engaged in a heated argument with his Petroleum Minister.

‘Look Diezani, I never asked you to chop all the money that you have chopped. Haba! N5trillion in 2 years, that’s too much nau!’

Reuben Abati, the indefatigable presidential spokesman was quick to chirp in.

‘Sir the N5trillion was not just from Madam Madueke’s ministry. The ecological fund and NCC’s deals for spectrum auctioning are also included.’

‘Sharrap!! Abati, when I need my toilet flushed you will be informed.’ Screamed an enraged Diezani.

‘So Ebele, you want to me to take the fall. Everything I did was either for you or with your knowledge and now, because some stupid people are rioting you want to hang me out to dry. Well, if you think that I will go down alone then you’re dreaming sir, with all due respect.’
‘Everybody in this chamber has hands that are as dirty as mine; some are even dirtier; at least I have not blown any bomb anywhere.’
‘I have records of dealings and…’ casting a sideways glance at Dr. Goodluck, ‘…late night conversations.’

‘What!!! You mean you were recording us?’ a confounded president said.

‘ABATI! OKUPE! Take notes now. I will address the nation this night. Number one item on the agenda is the immediate sacking and prosecution of this…. Witch. Diezani Allison-Maduekwe.’

Diezani laughed out loud, ‘So you know my full name, I thought you only knew me as oh-oh-oh.’
‘Go ahead and address your mumu nation, but I promise that if you sack me today they will impeach you tomorrow.’

The chubby Ngozi Iwealla cut in. ‘Diezani you must be careful with your utterances. Such threats are ill advised.’

‘Shut up Ngozi.’ Said a minister who had her president by the balls.

‘You think this is IMF or World Bank meeting. You and Sanusi are as involved as I am.’
‘How did N5trillion disappear without both of you being aware? You think I don’t know of your schemes and middlemen? You better wake-up.’

WAKE UP……. WAKE UP……. WAKE UP……..

‘Wake up Ostroganamus!!! Why are you sleeping on duty?’

The demonic principality that oversaw the activities of Nigeria’s fake or irresponsible religious leaders towered over his subordinate who was charged with the oversight of its political class.

‘Sorry lord Astroganamus, but there is hardly any work to be done. Their leaders are buried deep in the belly of greed, pride and all manner of evil behavior. None show any signs of change, infact their imagination for theft and evil exceeds mine so all day long all I do is sit and observe them.’

Astro answered, ‘That is good, religious leaders are meant to guide and correct the political ones. But in a land as poor as this, it is easy to shut them up with little things like money, titles and private jets.’
‘The people are too broken, the pastors too blind and the government too fat. Death and corruption will rule this land for 100 years.’ Snorted the evil being.

‘Erm! Since you mentioned broken people and blind pastors, I had a bad dream lord Astroganamus, permit me to relay it.’

– by Rev’ Olooshun
@revolution_ng on twitter