First things first, whatever goes wrong is not your responsibility; you must take credit for whatever goes right, no matter how disconnected from your efforts. Pay no heed to whatever anyone says, except that which is being said is in praise of you. Make no mistake about it, anyone who criticises your government is trying to bring your government down and must be discredited by all means. You are not in power to make life better for the people; the people brought you to power so you can have your share of the national cake. If you surround yourself with friends and relatives while doing so, the better. You are the chosen one, this is your time and your turn and you must not look back as you rule. Have no fear, no matter how evil you rule, you will have more than enough court men and women cheering you on. In your hands lie the power to share contracts and oil blocks, share them appropriately. Everything for your own, your kind and your kin, nothing for those who insist on telling you and your government what is right. Remember; your friends are those who insist on complimenting your graceful attire even when you are stark naked. Whatever you do, never give a damn. It is expensive to.

Problems are part of life and your country is likely to have a lot of them. Where you cannot fix such, blame your failure on sabotage but where sabotage insists on not showing its face, blame it on the opposition, after all, they are your friends. When push comes to shove, you agree a deal and take the part you want while the Lords of Ikoyi retain their south-western empire. You are likely to be dealing with insurgents in certain parts of your country; when you combine the desperation of poverty, the passion of illiteracy, desperate politics and a warped understanding of religion, you have terrorism at its inchoate stage. Where such rears its head during your tenure, fight it by writing International op-eds because your enemies are likely to use the international press to expose your incompetence. There is a likelihood your perception as a grossly incompetent leader goes global, be of good courage, pay a lump sum for an international Public Relations company. Whatever you do, don’t give up, no matter how apparent your incompetence shows.

You are likely to get some things right; take agriculture where you could appoint a man desperate to get things done as minister. Information Communications Technology is another ministry things could work but alas, you can always slow down their progress by denying them funding. Make the ministry go hungry except it is being fed by the Nigerian Communications Commission. In that case, you have a minister who is getting things done despite her limited budget. Do not mind your genuine haters, they are the ones who say you have not achieved anything, but you have. Take the airports, yes, they were renovated with the poorest of materials but at least they were renovated. Some of the renovated parts are falling apart but if they aren’t, where will you find the excuse to enrich your election donors? Do not be a fool, you are going to need all the money you can get to win re-election. You don’t need any special strategy to continue in power, just make sure to share the money. The World Bank did say over five out of 10 of your citizens are extremely poor, that works in your advantage. A man who has not eaten has only one problem, food. Feed them say rice or to innovate in this area of stomach infrastructure, look for the delicacies of the different parts of the country and customise the stomach infrastructure appropriately.

The people love you so dearly but never dare walk around them without heavy security, you can never tell if that is the day they decide to un-love you. Hunger is a bad inspiration; it makes the rich worship power for more wealth and power, it makes the poor beg just to survive. Hunger fuels passion and taken to the point of desperation, it turns the best of men into the worst of animals. Make them hungry, make them want it; then strike. The act of sacking your doctors is a great idea, that is a way to create artificial hunger. Do not leave anyone too comfortable. Fire doctors, make them beg for their jobs but even if they don’t beg, reinstate them but never do this without the right media plan. Make sure the right people praise you for your magnanimity and kindness. You want to be seen as a listening leader, this is one way to be so seen.

As for the youths, they are the easiest to bait. More than any age group, they are at the age of gross selfishness and desperation. They believe the world revolves around them and the rotation of the earth is on their axis. You promised you’d make them laugh out loud in 2011, raise the ante this time, promise them power, you can even promise them the presidency. They believe anything and everything anyway. Tell the ones who already believe you are the next angel after Angel Michael, to go into all over the country to start a demand for youths to have a sizeable share in the national cake. It does not matter that they could make these demands without the noise and uproar it would generate, it helps to suppress other agitations, especially if such agitations are not backed by people with a spirit of persistence. Tell me what time they have to ask for #BringBackOurGirls when a much more selfish demand for power distracts them. Never forget; as long as you appeal to the selfish side of your average countryman and woman, you will always get them to do your will. Did it not work in 2011 with the man who was supposed to be your biggest political adversary? It works all the time. Nothing says you cannot trade Lagos again, they keep their Lagos, you keep your Abuja! Nothing says you cannot promote an angry minister of state to the position of minister. As it was in the beginning, so shall it be till 2019, till we fix that constitution. You are the best president this country has ever had, take a look at Robert Mugabe and learn a few things about how to grow old in the state house.

Now, take a look at the mirror and tell yourself; I am the greatest, I said I was even when I was a deputy governor! One of your rivals from Adamawa has been giving scholarships to everyone, do not go that far. You don’t need it. Give the people food…food and more food. Educating them puts power in their hands to use against you tomorrow, never empower the people, they come after you right after, learn from Hong Kong and China. Give them enough food to last for a few days, make them depend on you; that is the hallmark of a leader that wants to be in power for life. You are not evil; you are what the people deserve. Long may you reign!