#PAUSIBILITY: We Must Scale This Fence. – Adebayo Coker

I was not able to watch the clip of the jumping legislators till last week Sunday. Remember I told you I didn’t want anyone to put sand in the garri I was enjoying at Ake Arts and Books Festival (AABF).

By the way, for some of us that are complaining about the dearth of the reading culture and literary life in Nigeria, we should endeavor to revive it by organizing, promoting and attending literary events like AABF, LABAF and the likes. I must commend the good work done by Lola Shoneyin and her team on the smooth organization of AABF. Kudos!

Back to where we were.

Watching those guys (I may not be able to call them honourable members of the House for now) scale that fence, reminded me of my truant years in the secondary school. I was a confused young man that did not know what he wanted to do with his life and thought malicious mischief was the way to go. Anyway, that confusion stemmed out of my belief that I have to be a strong man in order to be admitted into the Nigeria Defence Academy (NDA), climb the ladder to a point where I could  organize a coup, and gain power. That was the level of warped intelligence that was imputed in my feeble mind at that time; so it was laughable to me watching those guys do what I did many years ago. I wish I was wiser.

I promised you in my first note to you that I will not throw a chair in this house nor any other house. Let me explain that statement to you and what warranted that.

For easy understanding, I will like you to watch a video with me. You can even view the video on YouTube on your own. It was a video of some supposedly grown up men in our Legislative chamber.  They exchanged fisticuffs so raw, they graduated to throwing chairs at one another and eventually tore the clothes of one another to shreds. My son, those guys are some children’s fathers.  They were supposed to be honorable men but what they did was not at all honorable. Worst for their family members, amongst whom are their children, the video is uploaded online for the world to see and for generations to come for reference. 

If the children of such men are yo-mommaed in reference to that act, it won’t be a lie because whatever one does is recorded, somehow. Various videos of such acts and of some other people who have been so creative with the truth but were later found out during panels of enquiries into their acts or their stay in office, abound online. You will find them interesting.

Let me reiterate my promise to you: I will not for any reason bring disgrace and shame to you.

  • A Man Like Me: Noteography Of A Father To His Son.

Listening to the alibi of the Puppet – of- the – Presidency Police Force is another rib cracker. I ask them if their intelligence only picks information around the National Assembly. What happened to their radar around the North-East? And if truly any invasion was advancing towards the National Assembly, I believe the Police should have been at the main entrance of the NASS or that of the Three-Arms Zone; not at the set of the tragicomedy that was beamed live to the amusement of the whole world.

Again, the sub judis claim of the IG that warranted his refusal to recognize and address ‘Honourable’ Tambuwal as the Speaker of the ‘Honourable’ House of Assembly is sickening. Mr. IG (so unrefined),  I have advised you that  it’s too early to display the foolhardiness of your office in the course of history. I’m sure someday we’ll revisit all of these and your unborn generations and those of your instructors may never be able to undo history.

My good people, we all must cross the hurdles laid before us by these robbers of our good fortunes. There is no difference between this set of six and that half-of-a-dozen. We need not continue to be docile and render ourselves free rides for these heartless politicians that some of us see as demigods, whom we sometimes foolishly thank for performing their statutory responsibilities.

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Let me paint a picture.

I placed an ad that I am looking for a house help. A guy applies, I screened him, reeled out what I expect of him; he agreed to the Ts &Cs, I employed him and he resumed. Whenever he performs the responsibilities of his office, I praise him. In the course of singing his praises to the high heavens, I ask my house help to do something for me that is part of his job description, but he tells me point blank that he doesn’t have the time to attend to me now as he will be going out with his girlfriend shortly. Because I have allowed him on many occasions to bring his guests to my house, I see nothing wrong in allowing him to go out again this time.

One day, he comes home and tells me he has just met a new friend and she will be coming to visit him, therefore I may have to help him get the house ready for his visitor. In my blind kindness, I oblige him, after all, the good Lord said we should help our neighbours.

Ultimately, the lady arrives and my house help calls out to me to come and serve the drink.

Fellow Nigerians, I am sure some of us will say he must have cast a spell on me but I put it to you that  not all cases like this are voodoo-perpetrated:  our complacency has got the better part of us hence we sheepishly accept whatever is thrown at us by our ‘political-employees’. So sad!

2015 General Election is around the corner. Look at the faces of those that approved 9.2Billion Naira for the purchase of Cooking Stoves in the face of austerity measures. Also, look at the faces of those that nothing else matters to other than their maddening quest to hold on to power; those that could not defend you against Ogwuche and his cohorts, before you cast your vote.

Remember, Baba Iyabo himself did not look well before he leapt.

Thank you.

#Pausibility: Of Nominal, Normal and The Extreme by Adebayo Coker.

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Just as the common example, Ramadan has come to an end and a sharp upsurge in the patronage of brothels and beer parlors are noticeable.  Do not get me wrong, same could be said of quadragesimal period. A great number of us display piety louder than the Pope and the chiefest of Sheikhs just around those periods that we observe our religious abstinence, but other than those times, we are just as evil as the devil can be.

Yours truly was Ebuka’s guest at Channels TV last Sunday. It was a live cast of the famous programme for youths, Rubbin’Minds (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJmy8Q_xx2Q), immediately after which I was appealed to by Victor of Channels Beams to wait for a recording of his programme, claiming that Sunday was the only window left for him, else he may have to do a repeat of one of his old recordings. Just as a part of me will always want to go out to put smiles on peoples’ faces, sometimes to my own detriment; I did wait. Both Seun (the producer of Rubbin’ Minds) and Victor (the presenter of Channels Beam) promised to be on my trail as I left their Studio around 5pm to travel to Ife that Sunday, but to my utmost amazement, none of them have called me till date.. I have spoken to Seun after then (I called him) and if you wonder why I’m saying this in spite of an honorarium, I have news for you: there is nothing like that. I drove myself to their studio. They must have thought I would be glad to be on TV but it was all in honor of a noble friend and brother, Lanre Lagunju , who prevailed upon me the previous week to be on the programme. I felt a bit slighted but my understanding of human nature has taught me that we all have a covert use-and-dump attitude in us.

I was involved in an accident around Gbongan that evening as I ran into one of the road bumps, thanks to bad street lighting. The alternator belt gave way, invariably affecting the charging system of the car. It took the grace of God and the help of three men, Mr. Animashaun and his son, whom I had given a ‘lift’ around Wasimi before the incident, and a commuter bus driver, Moses, for my car to be towed to destination around 11pm. It was an agonizing experience for me. May God bless them all. I doubt if they will ever get to read this piece, but I will encourage them as we have become pals since that day, talking on the phones almost every day.

The mechanic saw a kill on Monday morning as he exploited the situation to the fullest. I had to dance to his tune as I had no choice. Am back to base. Thank God for journey mercies.

The road to Ife has always been bad, even during my university days, but to my astonishment, the good roads that have been built /completed by this government were nowhere to be seen as I had to be extra-cautious of the many death traps on Lagos-Ibadan Expressway.

I sat with the erudite Professor of Pharmacy, Professor Adebayo Lamikanra, in his office and he chatted me up on his frustration about Nigerian roads, without having heard of my experience of the previous night. He told me how he had gone to Osun State College of Education and found that the roads within the school premises had totally given way, obviously, from non- maintenance since they were built. I can’t describe the dissatisfaction on this gentleman’s face. He is in his mid 60s so he told me how happy some of them were when the military took over in 1983 due to the bastardizing of the system by the then politicians. He said he later became psychologically brutalized when the ‘khaki boys’ wouldn’t behave as human beings, but that they (intellectuals) continued to write (writings that would have been frowned at by the then military government) at the risk of their lives. The Professor expressed his depression when he came to the conclusion that these present day politicians are much worse than the pre- 1983-Military-takeover politicians.

I met with some of my lecturers in Ife. The same offices. The same toilets. The same ‘black boards’. Nothing has changed except that younger lecturers have been employed to take the place of some retired academics. I met one of the new recruits who was so full of himself and yours truly did cut him to size. He expected me to roll on the floor in the name of greeting him. I made him understand that I just greeted the VC the way a gentleman should: handshake. He took me to be one of his students (I am an El-Rufai-like person). I later found out we bear the same surname and he was just 3yrs my senior. We made up.

I am sure you are wondering why this travelogue? Well, I will like you to read between the lines. If I had been asked to tell where Mr Animashaun hails from, going by his physique, I would have taken him to be an Easterner because he was decked in suit and had a briefcase in his hand. When we got talking I found out he is a Moslem from Gbongan. I would have taken Moses to be a Moslem judging from his intonation. I never would have thought Professor Lamikanra could offer me a seat in his office let alone a chat. I could never have imagined moving close to the VC’s office, not to talk of a handshake from him. But I would have expected Seun and Victor to show the same affection they have for their programmes to the people they invite onto their respective shows, especially as we are of the same generation. I would have expected the mechanic to be lenient in milking me particularly as I spoke to him in an undiluted Yoruba tongue, having seen that his tribal marks wouldn’t have belonged to any other tribe than Yoruba ; instead he said, ara eko ni yin, e san owo nla. I would have expected the newly recruited lecturer to be open-minded because he is youthful. In all, I learnt that a person is a person and a race is a race.

I would have expected this government to stop this ‘lying lying thing.’

Ill-timed.

That Brother Jonathan declared his nimble intention amidst great fanfare the day after many pupils were bombed in Potiskum should not be a surprise to anyone who has been following the development around here, unless the person was asleep when the PDP went dancing in Kaduna the day after over 200 girls were abducted from Chibok. Read #Pausibility: Your Daily Bomb-o-scope, Don’t Go Out Without It to understand the overall thinking capacity of a typical Nigerian politician.

And those Aggrieved Peoples Consortium members should go and sit down jor. All we hear are commentaries by their media handler(s) which at times causes one to question their preparedness to stand as a true opposition party. Let them set their house in motion. By now we should be seeing posters; watching resourceful adverts, and hearing inspiring jingles of their Presidential candidate, They should call their ‘lying’ Mohammed to order jor.