Holly Madison’s new book Down the Rabbit Hole shows off the unglamorous side of the Playboy world.

When it comes to empowerment stories, you might not expect one to start in the Playboy Mansion, but Holly Madison’s does. Before Madison became the “Number 1 Girlfriend” of Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, she grew up in a small town of 10,000 with big dreams of becoming an actress like her idol, Marilyn Monroe. But soon after she arrived in Hollywood, at age 22, her life took a detour when she met Hefner, the “notoriously lecherous 70-something old man who offered me Quaaludes that he referred to as ‘thigh openers.’”  It’s a moment, Madison, now 35 wishes she could do over. “Are you kidding me?” she writes in her revealing new memoir Down the Rabbit Hole. “ Why didn’t I run for the nearest exit?”

Instead, Madison got caught up in the myth of the Playboy mansion and becoming a Bunny. About to be kicked out of her apartment, the mansion offered a solution on where to live rent-free, and she hoped that Playboy could launch her career. It did, but there was a big price to pay. Madison went from being a confident, happy girl to insecure and deeply depressed. She even developed a nervous stammer. At one point she told Hefner she wanted to see a psychiatrist and he told her to talk to his secretary instead. He knew a therapist would tell her to pack her bags.

A constant rotating cast of women, all vying for Hefner’s attention and weekly $1000 clothing allowance, created a nightmare mean-girl scenario. Plastic surgery was paid for, along with salon appointments. It was all designed to have the women looking like clones—platinum blonde, booby, with perky “baby” features. When Madison tried to assert some individuality and cut her hair into a bob and wear red lipstick, Hefner told her she “looked old, hard, and cheap.” The experience made her feel “beyond ugly…maybe I was just the homely girl who was ‘lucky’ enough for Hef to allow into the mansion.”