Conservative estimates suggest that cheating occurs in about half of all relationships. Being cheated on can be a profoundly painful experience, and it can be hard to know what to do after the initial discovery. Here’s a comprehensive, mapped-out guide to deciding whether to stay or go.

First: Get Your Facts Straight

If your relationship is on the line, make sure you have the correct information about what happened. If you suspect that cheating occurred, or if you heard the information second-hand, don’t jump to conclusions just yet. You need to have a conversation. It will be horribly painful, there’s no way around that—but you should find out:

• What exactly happened. Are we talking an online flirtation or an in-person tryst? Are there emotions involved, or was it just physical?
• The circumstances around it happening. Was this a planned affair, or something that “just happened”? There’s a big difference between someone signing up for an Ashley Madison account and kissing someone in a drunken haze at a party.
• When the infidelity occurred.
• How many times it happened.
• The status of your partner’s relationship with the other person. Has your partner told the other person that it’s over?
• If your partner wants to stay in your relationship or not. The question of what to do next may already be answered.
• If your partner used protection. This won’t help you decide what to do in terms of the relationship, but it’s important for you to know if you need to get tested for STIs.

Give Yourself a Time Out to Take Care of Yourself

Your emotions are going to be all over the place after finding out about your partner cheating. You’re going to need time to figure out up-from-down, much less figure out your next steps. After you’ve heard your partner out, tell them that you need some time alone to think about what you’re going to do. Ask them to respect your boundaries and not contact you until you reach out. You can give your partner a rough time frame (like two to four weeks), or just let them know you’ll get in touch when you’re ready.

Be aware that your immediate reaction may be to take drastic measures in either direction. Some people want to repair the relationship right away. After experiencing such a powerful threat to your relationship, it’s natural to feel drawn to your partner. Others may want to leave and never look back. Try to resist these urges, and give yourself the opportunity to make as clear-headed a decision as possible.

During this break, try your best to treat yourself well. Call in sick to work for a week. Reach out to your most trusted friends and talk it over with them. Try to eat and sleep. Go outside for fresh air and the opportunity to move your body. Write down all of your tortured thoughts in a journal. Meditate. Cook. Nap. Sing. Whatever makes you feel even the tiniest little bit better. Keep doing all of these things for as long as possible. Most of us struggle with self care, even when things are good, so it’s likely that you’ll find this step incredibly challenging. That doesn’t mean it’s not worth making an effort.

I’m obviously biased, but I think seeing a therapist is an excellent idea. Even your best, most compassionate friends will reach a limit where they’re a little tired of hearing you rehash all the same details. It’s nice to talk it all out with without having to worry about annoying anyone. And, you know, therapy will actually help you process the feelings instead of just rehash them.

Decide What to Do

You’re never going to get to a point where making this decision is easy, but some time and good self care should make this process feel a little bit clearer. Here are some other variables to consider:

• How severe was this betrayal? As I said before, there’s a big difference between getting caught up in a moment and having a months-long affair. Motivations are important.
• Has your partner cheated in the past? If your partner has cheated on you before, it’s time to move on. You may also want to consider whether your partner has cheated in past relationships.
• What’s your relationship history? If you’re relatively early in your relationship, it may be best to cut your losses. On the other hand, if you’ve been with your partner for a decade, you may want to ask yourself if it’s worth throwing away all of that history for one moment of horrible judgment.
• Is this relationship worth salvaging? Sometimes cheating is a sign that the relationship is long over. If you’ve been fighting or if you’ve been tempted to cheat yourself, it may be time to throw in the towel. If you’re with someone with whom you’ve never been able to visualize a future, this may be the opportunity to end things before they become even more complicated.
• Does your partner understand the impacts of their behavior? If they’re not immensely apologetic, they don’t deserve your consideration. How you found out about the infidelity also matters. Did they fess up of their own accord, or did they get caught?
• Is your partner willing to work through this with you? Is your partner is offering to make concrete steps to repair your relationship, like going to couples counseling?
• Can you see yourself eventually forgiving? In order for a relationship to survive infidelity, you have to be willing to forgive. You can’t lord it over their heads in order to get what you want, or break it out as a trump card during arguments.

Read More: lifehacker