Married or Not, Here’s Why Couples Therapy Is a Must

1. You nip issues in the bud . . . before it’s too late.

I’m an in-depth talker and my husband is a selective listener, yet we thought we had excellent communication skills. It’s not like my husband and I didn’t know how to resolve issues, but there were definitely many times where we both agreed to disagree and pushed issues under the rug in hopes that they would never came back. Unfortunately they come back in one form or another, and usually with a vengeance. With me, he says “I’m angry.” Period. In counseling, he says “I’m angry because . . .” and with the word “because” we are able to make emotional progress in our relationship.

People are always growing and I’ve found that attending counseling regularly is a great emotional check in with each other to make sure we are continually walking the same line, kind of like a car tune up. Couples counseling, especially pre-marriage, is a chance for couples to dig up any little irritations such as money, anger, jealousy, or other issues that they feel might hinder them in the future. Everyone thinks they communicate effectively, but if you sit with a professional in a safe environment, you discover a lot more than you may think you already know.

2. You get about 45 minutes of unbiased and objective opinions.

Sitting with a trained professional spilling issues and problems can seem really intimidating, but remember, they do this for a living so nothing is off limits to their ears. You share, they listen and evaluate, and you leave with a mind full of objective opinions. When my husband and I first attended therapy, we were nervous and had no idea what to expect. Our therapist told us to sit facing each other and discuss a topic as if nobody else was in the room. We were then given something to argue about and our therapist observed our actions and demeanor, listened to our words carefully, and began to understand how we both operate and think. Hearing our therapist tell us what we need to work on together as a couple (and separately!) was a really valuable experience for us. Outside of the therapist’s office, we can both tend to be a little stubborn but hearing a professional tell you things together, face to face, makes a world of difference, especially when you are back out in the real world on your own.

3. You gain a positive attitude when it comes to asking for help.

Say goodbye to being embarrassed about asking for directions, ahem, I mean relationship help. Asking for help with anything can be a challenge, so when my husband and I decided to ask for help with our relationship, it broke down walls of embarrassment and shame for us. We then acknowledged that getting help when you need it, no matter what it is, made us a less vulnerable and more empowered couple. So now when JP says “I don’t want to ask for directions . . .” I remind him that it’s only directions were asking for.

4. You remember to celebrate the strengths of your relationship or marriage.

Nobody’s relationship is perfect, no matter what social media tells you, and in therapy you will realize the areas in which your relationship flourishes and fails. Because we spend so much time focusing on the arguments and fights, we forget to celebrate what we are doing well in our relationships, and couples therapy helps celebrate the strengths. Your therapist may tell you what you may not want to hear, but you will listen and grow. Remember these trained therapists have heard it all before and they can offer the most comprehensive advice and solutions. You’re more likely to listen and take advice from a trained professional. Through couples therapy, my husband has graduated from being mad and telling me about it years later, to being able to understand the emotion and then articulate it no more than a week later, and that is progress!

5. With clear minds and full hearts, you can’t lose.

Attending couples therapy will give you clear results, one way or another. Through the tips, emotional digging, and heart-opening conversations, you will have a much clearer picture of how your marriage will continue on or if separate paths are the way to go. Think of your therapist as your coach and their tips and advice as “plays” that will always be in your benefit so that your team wins at a successful relationship. Problems or not, if you and your partner are willing to even go to therapy together, you are already ahead of the game.

There is no such thing as the perfect marriage or relationship, but there is such a thing as doing your absolute best for the sake of your relationship. At the end of the day, nothing is ever a guarantee; marriage isn’t, and neither is couples counseling. I’m not saying that couples therapy is for everyone or will be the solution you are looking for, but don’t knock it until you try it out for yourself. May the odds be ever in your favour.

Credit: popsugar

6 VERY IMPORTANT Money Questions Everyone Should Ask Before Getting Married

1. Do you have any large outstanding debts?

Obtaining a clear picture of your partner’s debt load may help you see whether you may be in for some tough financial times. Also inquire about the type of debt (i.e. student loans, medical debt, credit card debt, and so on) and what long-term plans he or she has to pay it down.

2. What’s your credit score?

Credit scores can have a significant impact on your finances as a couple. For example, credit scores will come into play if you decide to apply for a home loan. Don’t wait until you’re house shopping to find out about your future spouse’s credit history. Before you tie the knot, you should both sit down and compare credit reports. Now is the time to learn about any bankruptcies, large debts, or poor money management habits. You can access a copy of your credit reports when you visit Know that every 12 months you are entitled to one free credit report from each of the three major credit reporting agencies.

3. How much do you make?

This may seem like a simple question, but many couples are in the dark when it comes to income. A recent Fidelity study found roughly 43% of couples did not know how much their partner earned. This is up from 27% of survey respondents in 2013. When asked to identify how much their partner made, about 10% of that group missed the mark by $25,000.

4. Do you have significant difficulties with financial management?

Although large debts can give you a glimpse of what your future spouse’s finances are like, it doesn’t tell the whole story. You want to be specific and ask if he or she is dealing with more serious issues like gambling or overspending. These dysfunctional approaches to money have been known to ruin lives and lead to broken marriages. If you discover this is indeed the case, ask what is being done to address the problem. Is he or she seeking therapy? What is the long-term plan? If there is no plan to deal with the issue, you may want to rethink your plans as a couple.

5. How will we pay the bills?

Do you want to split all household bills down the middle or pay according to each of your incomes? This is marriage talk that you need to have so everyone is on the same page. Also figure out whether one spouse will manage all of the household bills or if both of you want to pitch in.

6. Do you want a joint or separate bank account?

This question tends to be a hot-button issue for many couples. The answer will depend on what you’re comfortable with, but the time to decide is now. Agree in advance if you will have separate accounts, a joint account, or a combination of the two.


Things Strong Women Should NEVER Do For A Man

1. Change your appearance.

If your SO is a decent human being, they won’t ever force you to alter the way you look for their benefit. They should love you for you, and all of you. If your weight, hair, or style really bothers him, he’s clearly not with you for the right reasons. Any physical changes you make should be made because you want them, not for attention or for someone else.

2. Compromise your passions.

Absolutely no one should get in the way of your goals. It is your life, after all, and nobody else will regret leaving any dreams behind more than you. The decision to pass on a job opportunity or put an idea on hold might seem best at the moment, but the future is never guaranteed. Your partner should support your endeavors, and if he’s willing to come along for the ride, that’s just a bonus.

3. Wait for his approval.

A strong woman plays by her rules and doesn’t sit around for instructions. You should be assertive and go forward with your own decisions rather than seek validation from someone else. You’re grown enough to know what’s best for you.

4. Cancel already-set plans.

It’s different to reschedule when something important comes up, but it’s problematic when you drop what you’re doing just to be with him. Your friends and family should not be on the sideline and only brought in when he’s unavailable. You should never be on standby, and if he’s respectful, he won’t mind catching you another time.

5. Let him change who you are.

Don’t change who you are for anyone but yourself. And if you do decide to make any self-adjustments, they should be improvements that will better you. It’s possible that he’d be more interested if you do x, y, and z, but he wouldn’t genuinely like you for you. Never lose sight of who you are.

Credit: popsugar

5 Myths About Marriage That Are Totally Untrue

1. The romance eventually dies

Your sex life doesn’t end when you get married! Yes, as time passes things become routine or perhaps less spontaneous than in your 20s, but married couples actually experience more intimacy because there’s a level of trust that may not exist in premarital relationships.

2. Happy couples don’t argue

Let’s get this straight: every couple argues. No matter how compatible you may be with your partner, disagreements are going to happen. It’s how couples communicate and problem-solve that sets them apart from other, less successful relationships.

3. Babies fix everything

Babies bring so much joy into their parents’ lives that it’s hard to imagine ever experiencing negative feelings again. They do, however, add another layer of responsibility and could potentially create further strain on your marital issues. Making sure you’re both on the same page will set you up for success.

4. Love is all you need

While love is the most important thing in any relationship, a successful marriage requires way more than just that. Married couples need to be able to make tough life decisions and navigate hardships together. One of the biggest factors in a marriage is managing finances, and both people need to take responsibility for dealing with expenses.

5. Fairy-tales only exist in movies

Wrong again. A marriage is what you make of it, and as long as both people are committed to a long and happy life together, there’s nothing standing in your way of that dreamy, head-over-heels kind of love story.

Credit: popsugar

3 People You Should Never Take Relationship Advice From (MUST READ)

1. Anyone who is angry and bitter

Was your best friend a jilted bride or a groom who was stood up at the altar? Don’t ask friends or family with a chip on their shoulder how to win at love. If you hang around them long enough, their attitude could rub off on you. Then no one will want to date you because you have such a bad attitude. Don’t let someone else’s bad experiences warp how you see relationships. Psychologist Randi Gunther said bitterness may temporarily protect you from experiencing painful feelings, but it will only hold you back from finding a fulfilling relationship in the long run. Gunther describes bitterness as emotional poison. “Bitterness hurts, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. People appear to hold on to it to protect themselves from more pain. It does shield them from more hurt, but also from love as well. Cynical relationship seekers, bitter from the heartbreaks of the past, may not allow for a new and dangerous future. That engulfing sorrow holds open a painful wound of disappointed memories, even when the lovers who caused them are long gone,” said Gunther.

2. Someone who hasn’t had a successful relationship

It’s possible you could learn a thing or two about what not to do, but that may not get you very far. When seeking quality love advice, go to someone who has actually had quality relationships. Personal development expert Michael Hyatt said it’s best to get advice from those who have the results you seek. “Here’s my rule of thumb, and it rarely fails me: Never take advice from people who aren’t getting the results you want to experience. If you don’t like what you see in the life of the messenger, it’s usually best to ignore the message,” said Hyatt.

3. Players

If you’re seeking advice from someone who thinks being in a relationship is a game, and quickly getting someone into bed means you’ve “won,” you’re looking in the wrong place. Steer clear of anyone who thinks of relationships simply as a way to pass the time. Mari Ruti, associate professor of critical theory at the University of Toronto, said those who are careless when it comes to love are only doing themselves a disservice. Focusing all of your energy on winning will lead you nowhere. “The trouble with the games of romance is that eventually the mask will have to come off. Eventually you’ll have to reveal who you actually are, and then what? The rules of love may allow you to hoodwink your partner for a while, but ultimately they’ll lead you to a dead end,” said Ruti.


The 1 Thing Happy Couples Do Every Day

Happy couples communicate with each other.

Constant communication seems so obvious, but it can easily slip through the cracks. In order to keep your relationship healthy and happy, there’s three things you need to do to communicate successfully.

1. Express your needs and feelings.

There’s no way for your partner to know what you want out of your relationship if you don’t say so. Make sure to clearly express how you are feeling — whether that be happy or upset — so that you and your partner are on the same page. Your significant other is not a mind reader, so it’s up to you. You may learn something new about each other.

2. Be totally honest.

The moment you start lying is the moment things go wrong. If you can’t be honest with the person you love, who can you be honest with? Go beyond being open about the dynamic of your relationship; talk about a bad day at work or a friend who hurt your feelings. The more experiences you share, the closer you will become.

3. Don’t just speak — make sure to listen.

There are two people in a relationship. Your partner should be communicating with you too. Be a good listener and make sure to take in everything your SO is saying. You are not perfect, so if you have to make some adjustments for your relationship work, be open-minded.

If you practice communication every day, you will see that your relationship will be stronger than ever. Sometimes it’s hard to do, but the greatest challenges are always worth the end result. Here’s to many more happy anniversaries with your significant other!

Credit: popsugar

6 Habits That May Scare Away Your Partner, No.s 2 & 6 Are Very Important

1. Lack of personal hygiene

This should go without saying, yet, it seems like some people are totally clueless to their own body odor. Sure, if you’re out in the woods on a backpacking trip or running rivers all summer, a certain expectation of general smelliness goes along with that. However, if you’re a man about town who attends social functions on the reg, do us all a favor and make sure you keep yourself clean, smelling fresh and well-groomed, like the handsome gent we know you are.

2. Chewing food like a cow

What’s worse than talking with your mouth full? Smacking your lips like a barn animal every time you put food into your pie hole. There’s absolutely no reason why you should be shoveling food into your mouth like it’s going out of style. Quit the incessant lip-smacking and remind us you’re a gentleman with a general grasp on table manners.

3. Leaving dirty dishes in the sink

It’s one thing to leave a couple dishes in the sink until the morning, but it’s quite another to have a stack piled high for days on end. Not only is it disgusting, it will start to smell, and maybe even attract gnats and fruit flies. Don’t let grossness fester in your own home. Clean the dishes, change out your sponges regularly, and spray a little Clorox on your counter.

4. Letting your beard get out of control

Coming from a gal who calls a mountain town home, I’m no stranger to, or hater of, some good manly facial hair. There’s just something about a guy who can grow hair on his face that ensures you he also, more likely than not, drinks whiskey, wears flannel, and chops his own wood. But what’s definitely not cool or appreciated, is when a beard becomes so out of control that it makes you cringe. How gross is it when food particles get caught or it scratches a girl just a little too much when going in for a smooch. So please guys, keep it clean and keep it manageable, because a beard should be a nice compliment to a face, not something that needs its own zip code.

5. Leaving facial hair on the sink

This is an important one to touch on (see previous “out of control beard” reference). You know what I’m talking about – those gross little shavings that inevitably fall in and around the sink, turning the area into a fur-covered vanity. In reality, it’s really not that tough. So please, just do everyone a favor and clean up your own hair.

6. Oral hygiene

We all know no one wants to kiss an ashtray, and it’s hard to believe there are still folks out there who smoke cigarettes anyways. But what about those who just, simply put, are unaware of how bad their breath is, or how they should really take a visit to the dentist for a cleaning? Bi-annual visits to the dentist aren’t only for those who chew tobacco (yet, if you do, please heed cation and make sure your flossing game is on point). Please, don’t be a stranger to all the minty fresh products available to us.


If Someone REALLY Loves You, They’ll Do These 6 Things

1. Drop by for a surprise face-to-face visit

In a study conducted by Ford and YourTango, 55% of participants polled said that when a friend surprises them with a face to face visit, it made them feel totally loved..

Can you remember the last time you dropped by a friend’s house just to see their face, and say hello? Yes, we text about our day and communicate constantly, but nothing beats actually being in each other’s presence.

Studies have shown that being in the presence of the people we love is vital to keeping us happy and healthy. And it makes sense! Think back to the last time you hung out with a friend and laughed so hard you couldn’t breathe. There’s literally nothing that beats it.

2. Call to share good news instead of just texting

We can communicate with emojis, sure. I think many of us pride ourselves on our ability to weave an entire epic tale with strategic eggplant and frowny-face emoji.

That’s all well and good, but it turns out that even in this text-lovin’ age, 51% of all participants polled in the survey said that they would much rather hear their phone jingle and hear the roar of your congratulations on the other end.

Yes, a party hat and streamer emoji is cute, but you know what is so much cuter? Singing your own absolutely terrible personalized “Congratulations on Your Promotion at Guitar Center” song to your former roommate Stoner Dave.

3. Go for a weekend road trip

Studies show that 52% of adults on planet Earth (you know, this planet) seek out experiences that just CAN’T be replicated. Anyone can stay at home and order a pizza (and far be it for me to be critical of my favorite food), but when was the last time someone filled the gas tank, made a killer playlist, and just drove aimlessly with you for a couple of days?

You can’t remember, can you? That’s a damn shame! It’s a fact, lonely people don’t live as long as people who feel connected to their friends. SO STAY ALIVE, go on a remarkable adventure, you don’t need to be a millionaire to do it.

4. Tone down the multi-tasking

When people are multi-tasking, they might feel like they’re getting more done, but in fact they’re also getting more stressed. So let’s close our laptops, people. Ignore Pokemon Go. Mute that podcast. When someone is chatting with you (online or in person), they should be giving YOU all of their attention. They need to show that they value your relationship. And you need to do the same.

I mean, don’t be a creepy weirdo staring at them without blinking and gently stroking their face like some kind of monster, but we can all make more of an effort. We’ve all tried to talk to a friend or partner over the sound of their fingers clicking away on the keyboard. Be the change you want to see in the universe, y’all.

5. Remember to tell the people we love that we love them

My roommate now at the age of 33 is the roommate I was assigned as an 18 year old starting college. She’s my best friend. We’ve been there for each other for thick and thin. But ask me how often I actually tell her that I love her. The answer? Basically never.

If someone loves you, they should be telling you. (And vice versa.) Of course we should all be treating our special people with regular love and respect, but there’s something really special about making that eye contact and really TELLING the people you love that you’re thinking of them, and that they matter to you.

6. If you’re going through a tough time, they need to show up

The world is big and sometimes it’s scary. Bad things happen to everyone. When you or someone you love is struggling, the best thing we can do is activate our networks of support and really be there in that time of need.

Facebook wall posts can be meaningful, but people also need to pick up the phone. Show up, it’s good for you! Bring that devilishly delicious Frito pie perfect for soothing a sore heart and soul. Taking an active role in our social circles outside of the internet can make all the difference in the world in someone’s time of need.

Credit: popsugar

4 Things You Should NEVER EVER Compromise In A Relationship

1. Self-worth

Don’t remain in a relationship with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself. Do you find that the more time you spend with your partner, the worse you feel? This is a sign that it’s time to reconsider the relationship. You should make an effort to surround yourself with people who support you and make you feel good about yourself.

Therapist Mark Tyrell said you shouldn’t completely base your identity on how others see you, but you should be aware of how the people in your inner circle make you feel. “Your self-esteem shouldn’t be totally dependent on the person with whom you happen to be in a relationship. But the fact is, relationships do have a big impact on the way you feel. And that includes the way you feel about yourself…How’s your self-esteem? How’s your relationship? The two can be more intertwined than we realize,” said Tyrell on his website.

2. Personal beliefs

No matter how in love you are, backing down when it comes to your personal beliefs should not be an option. If you strongly feel a certain way about an issue that is near and dear to your heart, you shouldn’t be made to feel that you have to adjust your views just to keep someone close. Once you start compromising your values and beliefs, you’re likely to start compromising on other things as well.

Margret Paul, psychologist and co-author of Do I Have to Give up Me to Be Loved by You? said some compromise is healthy, but it’s important not to compromise to the point where you begin to lose yourself. “Most relationships require us to bend to a certain extent, but how much can we bend without a loss of self? There is an inherent paradox in these questions: A truly loving relationship is a relationship where each person accepts and even values the differences between them. If you have to excessively bend your values to preserve the relationship, what are you preserving? You are not preserving a loving relationship, since love does not demand that you excessively bend your values,” Paul wrote in a piece for The Huffington Post.

3. Family

If your partner tries to isolate you from your family or turn you against them, this is something to be concerned about. Possessiveness might make you feel special at first, but when it’s overdone to the point that you’re being kept away from family, something is wrong. Psychologist Theresa E. DiDonato said there should be balance when it comes to how much time you and your partner spend together. “The goal, of course, is to find a balance in which both members of the couple are happy with the time they spend together, maintain their outside friendships and family relationships, make progress towards their professional goals, and give the relationship a chance to flourish,” DiDonato said in a Psychology Today story.

4. Close friendships

Everyone needs good friends in their life. Quality friendships make life richer and can help you get through the unexpected rough patches that come along. Resist the urge to spend all of your time with your partner at the expense of your friendships. Remember that if you break up, your friends will be the ones to help you get through it. Don’t push them away so you can focus on your love life. Be leery of any partner who encourages you to distance yourself from your friends (unless they are toxic, then that’s another story).

If you have a group of trustworthy people in your life, do your best to keep them close. DiDonato said friends can be helpful when it comes to making decisions about your relationship. “Friends are not only support systems, their opinions of your relationship predict your relationship success (Sprecher, 2011)


Is it OK To Date Your Friend’s Ex?

More times than not, going after your buddy’s ex is off limits and fully violates any type of guy code by which you might abide. But every once in a while, the universe speaks to a person and lets him know that, although it seems wrong at first, there might be a bigger reason your friend dated this person in the first place – maybe it was to connect the two of you, instead. Such a situation, of course, can be tricky, and must be handled with care.

Consider the factors

As with most situations, the decision that’s right for you will depend on your personal relationships, morals, values and beliefs. As Michele Fabrega, a love, intimacy, and sexuality coach for men, tells The Cheat Sheet to consider these factors first:

  • How long have you been friends and how close are you? Essentially, how much do you value this friendship and want to maintain it?
  • What was the ending of their relationship like?
  • How long has it been since their relationship ended? Essentially, how much tension still exists between them, if any?
  • How well and for how long have you known his ex? Have you known him or her as your friend’s boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse? Or is this someone you never met before and you have no experience of being with them together as a couple? Most importantly, what are your intentions?

Read More:

This Is The Ideal Age Difference In A Relationship

They say age ain’t nothing but a number if you really love each other, but are certain age gaps — or lack thereof — more likely to end in tears? According to a study conducted by Emory University in Atlanta, there’s an ideal difference that can heighten your chances of a lasting relationship.

The study looked at 3,000 people and found that the greater the age gap, the greater the risk of a breakup. These are just patterns, but the results could come down to partners having conflicting goals and interests at different stages in their lives.

Researchers found that couples with a five-year age gap are 18 percent more likely to split than an equal-age couple, while that figure jumped to 39 percent with a 10-year age gap. For couples with a 20-year age gap, the statistics aren’t looking very hopeful, with chances of separation rising to 95 percent.

As for that ideal age difference, researches believe that a one-year gap is the sweet spot, with the chances of divorce standing at a much smaller 3 percent.

Still, as we said, this is just data, and, while researchers may have noticed patterns, every couple is different and other factors — like children, behavior, and plain old compatibility — can impact the results also.

As Hugo Mialon, one of the researchers behind the study, said: “It could just be that the types of couples with those characteristics are the types of couples who are, on average, more likely to divorce for other reasons.”

Credit: cosmopolitan

6 Dating Mistakes To Avoid When In A New Relationship

1. Don’t overdo or rush it

New relationships can cause you to get in over your head: All you want to do is spend all your time with your partner and give up everything else in your life — friends, hobbies, family, your dog, etc. New relationships are intoxicating, and you should by all means enjoy every minute of it. However, don’t take it too far — while it’s fun to lose yourself in your new S.O., you become in danger of losing yourself. Find a balance, because at the end of the day, there’s no rush.

2. Don’t hold back

A new relationship is scary, especially when it comes to revealing your true self to another person. What if they don’t accept you for who you are? New relationships are an exquisite dance of baring our emotions and vulnerabilities to another person who we don’t know incredibly well but really care about. If you share too much, maybe they’ll see something they don’t like or find attractive, and then reject you. However, sharing too little is just as big of a dating mistake. You partner will be able to sense this. We’re all afraid at the beginning of a new relationship, but you should step up and be the brave one.

3. Enough with the games

You’re in a relationship now. You don’t have to play games; you’re past that stage (although you should never really play games, they’re foolish). Maybe you’ll hold off on calling or texting back, and if something upsets you, you’ll back away and not talk about it. If you do any of these things, you’re doing a great job at potentially sabotaging your relationship. Communication is the key to any successful relationship, and learning how to communicate with your S.O. is one of the best things you can do.

4. Be yourself

Remember, you are your own person and should not change who you are because you think it’s expected of you or it’s verbalized that you do so. If that’s the case, you are definitely with the wrong person. Your entire person, including your personality, the way you think and speak, what you wear etc. is specific to you. Do not lose your uniqueness, and do not give up on those wonderful things just to please another person — nor should you expect that of them.

5. Don’t get lazy

Remember how nice and thoughtful you were when you started dating your S.O.? Don’t stop that and don’t get too comfortable too quickly. The fun of a new relationship lies in the fact that you have not settled into a routine just yet. Don’t be so quick to fall into one.

6. Let your crazy rest

We all have weird single behaviors that we engage in that make us feel good. This is not something you should reveal all at once but slowly as time goes on. I’m not saying don’t be yourself but allow the pieces to reveal themselves little by little. These quirks are nothing major, rather things you’re just in the habit of doing.


6 Unexpected Places You Can Find Love

Your Work Place

Dating a coworker may be taboo, but it happens often. Over 10 years ago, Lourdes Estevez, 40, a tenured Math teacher from New York City, met her husband, Ray Milian, 43, at work. “There were some ooh’s and ah’s,” said Lourdes of the experience. Despite the controversy (and two kids and a house in NJ later) the happily married couple would do it again in a mathematical second.

Networking Events

When successful, we attend networking events to represent our company or mingle with prospective clients. It is almost a requirement, so why not have fun with it and be open to finding a soulmate? You’re already there. Use your multitasking skills to connect with a new client and a potential date.


Adam Calderon and Hilda Toribio met via LATISM (Latinos in Tech Innovation and Social Media), a not-for-profit organization that tackles issues affecting Latinos through the use of social media. Busy schedules and all, they attended a LATISM conference, became friends and fell in love. This can happen to you as well. You just have to attend, mingle, and be open! Remember that love is everywhere, even if you’re busy.

Online Dating

If you don’t want to mix business with pleasure, online dating may be the perfect fit for your packed schedule. I met Boo on Plenty of Fish while Tanya Thomas, a busy Panamanian Staffing Supervisor from Pennsylvania, met her husband on They even had a long distance relationship to start!

If Match isn’t your cup of tea, there are other dating sites that have successfully paired entrepreneurs, CEO’s, and creatives. Try POF or OK Cupid (both are free sites) or Zoosk, Bumble or How About We (you pay a monthly membership fee).

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Find Me A Date

Let’s say online dating isn’t for you. Thankfully, there are other options! You have the funds and little time, so why not hire a matchmaker? Take note – a successful matchmaker will cost you a pretty penny. But it saves you time. When you hire a matchmaker, they do the heavy lifting. They select who is right for you. All you have to do is show up.

Stop the Excuses

Being “busy” or “consumed with work” is an excuse to remain single. Love isn’t going to knock on your door! And even if it did (perhaps a co-worker needs more than a fact sheet?), you must find the time and energy to build a relationship and create a foundation. Finding a soulmate takes a lot of trial and error. You have to stop making excuses and just go for it.

Meeting your soulmate is only half the battle as relationships are work. To strengthen a connection and create a life with a partner requires as much time as that brief on your desk, as much dedication as getting that promotion, and as much commitment as signing on that dotted line to become partner at your firm. Finding your soulmate is truly up to you. Get on it and build your romantic enterprise.

Read More: popsugar

He Fell For Her When They Were 9, 84 Years Later, They’re Still In Love

When Thomas Howard was just a little boy, he and his family moved four doors away from the love of his life. According to Thomas, he knew when he first laid eyes on Irene that she was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

”I was only about 9 then and when I first saw Irene I thought, ‘what a lovely girl, she’s going to be my girl, this one’ and my fondness for her grew since then,” Thomas said.

It wasn’t long before Thomas and Irene became more than friends. As young teens, they would spend their time walking in parks together and sit in the back row of the movie theater holding hands. Even though Thomas was good friends with her brother, Frank, he says that Irene always came first.

“I would regularly go ’round to Irene’s house to call for Frank so we could go out to play but Irene’s mother got fed up with me turning up day after day,” he remembered. “In the end she joked ‘It’s not our Frank you want, it’s Irene,’ and she was right.”

Because he was so smitten with Irene, Thomas put his friendships on the line for her on more than one occasion.

“I nearly fell out with a friend over Irene but I liked the opposition. The other lad said that Irene was going to be his girl, but I said, ‘no she isn’t, she’s my girl,'” said Thomas. “Even though we both loved the same girl, we were still good pals.”

By 1931, Thomas and Irene were spending every waking moment together. But in 1941, the two were forced apart for some time after 19-year-old Thomas was called to care for troops on the frontline in World War II.

Thomas returned home safely and the happy couple were reunited. They soon moved in together and wed in May of 1945. This year, the couple celebrated their 70th anniversary.

“Throughout our lives together, we have only shown each other respect and good manners, and I think of lot of youngsters could learn a lot from that,” the 93-year-old shared.

He says that, above anything else, these two things are what have kept them together through thick and thin.

”When I was a lad, I was always taught to respect women, and if you saw a female in the street or one of your teachers, you automatically tipped your hat to them, otherwise you would be in trouble,” Thomas recalled. “I’ve always respected Irene — she’s been my lifeline. I may have been wrong on certain issues and so has she, but we always make up by the end of the day.”

Aside from respect and good manners, Thomas says that his undying love for his 93-year-old wife is something about his relationship that he has and always will cherish.

“We’re still in love all these years on. I still have her now and I’m proud of her,” Thomas added. “If I was fortunate enough to do it all again, I’d marry the same girl every time.”

Credit: cosmopolitan

Questions A Guy Wants You To Ask On A First Date

1. Ask him, “If you could be doing anything humanly possible right now, what would it be?” It’s always good to have a few icebreaker questions on standby. Go for original, absurd and goofy, or thought-provoking. If he says, “I’d still rather be here with you!” dump his cheesy ass.

2. Ask him where he sees himself in five years. All too often, first dates are about the “now.” What do you do for a living? Where do you live? Instead, ask him where he wants to be. Most Millennials aren’t working their dream job or even working in the field they’ll end up in for most of their life, anyway.

3. Ask anything that lets him show off. Please, just … throw him a bone. Anytime he says something that sounds like a humblebrag, follow up on it. That’s what he wants. By no means let him dominate the conversation, but, when it’s his turn to talk, if he’s giving you very clear hints about things he’s proud of, do the man a favor and ask him about it.

4. Ask, “What’s your perfect date?” Secretly, he’s dying inside for you to ask this, so he can tell you. That way, you’ve got a great second date idea, and he doesn’t have to plan it.

5. Ask for major turn-offs and pet peeves. This is a question that’s potentially frightening to ask and could score you some offensive answers. But if you both share your ultimate deal breakers off the top, it could save you some time. Some of those don’t rear their heads until it’s way too late.

6. Ask him if he’s as nervous as you are. First dates are nerve-wracking for a lot of people. Unless you’re incredibly confident or a sociopath (is there a difference?), you’re probably a little freaked out. Plus, this is 2016 … there’s a good chance this is your first time even meeting your date in person. Acknowledging that can help put both of you at ease.

7. Ask if he wants to have sex. So you know what you are in for. Being honest about this will go a long way even before the relationship starts.

8. Ask him to tell his favorite joke. This is incredibly telling. Even if he doesn’t have a favorite joke, that says a lot. Maybe it’s corny or pun-based or it’s an anti-joke, but you’ll know if you’ve got similar senses of humor. And if you have to push him to tell it because he’s embarrassed, you know it’s going to be good.

9. Ask if he wants to split the check. No, chivalry isn’t dead, but who doesn’t really want to split the check deep down? What does paying for the whole meal really show? If you’ve asked him every awkward question on this list, he’s probably earned it.

Credit: cosmopolitan

Red Alert: 5 Signs You’re About To Be Dumped

1. Phone calls become less frequent

Gone are the days when you used to fall asleep on the phone while whispering sweet nothings. Fast forward to a few months (or years) into the relationship, and you’re either rushed off the phone or sent straight to voicemail. Or, you used to get a response to your phone call or text messages right away, but now, you either don’t get a response at all, or it takes hours or days before you hear back. Nothing is wrong with your phone, you’re just lower on the priority list. In fact, you’re so low, you’re about to be dropped off the list altogether.

2. Conversations are like pulling teeth

Do you dread having a simple conversation? If communication has all but come to a standstill, it’s time to be worried. This is especially true when it comes to arguments. If you do or say something that would normally make your partner explode, but you’re met with silence, it could be that he or she just doesn’t care anymore. Your days are numbered.

3. There’s an increase in physical and emotional distance

Over time, you may start to notice your partner becoming physically and emotionally distant. The frequency of sex and intimate gestures such as hand-holding and sharing deep feelings may start to decline. A feeling of emotional coldness will slowly start to settle in the relationship. If this is happening, he or she probably wants out but doesn’t quite know how to break the news.

4. Your partner asks for space

Sometimes distance doesn’t gradually happen. There are times when your partner may come out and ask you for some breathing room. This is often a signal that your relationship is slowly going downhill. Someone who is in love will want to be with you more, not less. Requesting space likely means that your partner is either contemplating the next step in the relationship or is trying to let you down easy and plans to eventually disappear.

5. You have that sinking feeling

Sometimes you just know. You may be in denial, ignoring glaringly obvious signs, but often your gut will tell you that it’s just not going to work out. No matter how much you try to rationalize your honey’s behavior, it’s often best to just face reality, cut your losses, and move on. So hit the club or bar and drink up.


Dear Single Ladies! Try This 30-Day Challenge

Day 1: Follow a hot friend of a friend on Instagram.

Day 2: Write down everything you want in a future partner.

Day 3: Write down everything you don’t want in a future partner.

Day 4: Get glammed up for a bangin’ shameless selfie.

Day 5: Go out for drinks at a place you’ve never been to before; don’t leave without meeting a potential prospect.

Day 6: Unabashedly make eyes with somebody (or everybody) you find attractive.

Day 7: Download a new online dating app and give it a shot for at least the day.

Day 8: Let a friend hook you up on a blind date.

Day 9: Give your number to somebody you’ve been eyeing.

Day 10: Spend a wild night out with only other single friends.

Day 11: Plan a night out and encourage your friends to invite people you don’t know.

Day 12: Reach out to someone you passed up on before when the timing wasn’t right.

Day 13: Invite someone you only really know via social media to hang out in person.

Day 14: Finally block or unfriend an ex who you aren’t on particularly healthy terms with.

Day 15: Start a conversation with a stranger.

Day 16: Go out with friends to a karaoke bar and sing a girl-power anthem.

Day 17: Spend an entire day not looking at social media.

Day 18: Go as long as you can without texting back your confusing friend with benefits.

Day 19: Throw out old mementos from past relationships.

Day 20: Do something daring with today’s look and spend the whole day thinking positively about yourself.

Day 21: Spend the evening dating yourself with a favorite film and a good dinner.

Day 22: Join or start some sort of new social group, like a book club or softball team!

Day 23: Buy a fierce new ‘fit and save it for a date you’re really, actually excited about.

Day 24: Go out for lunch with a friend; make a pact to not talk about your love lives even ONCE.

Day 25: Head out to do something by yourself, like hanging at the beach with your dog or reading at the park.

Day 26: Post a subtly flirty comment on a crush’s social media post.

Day 27: Create a new memory at a place with nostalgic ties to an ex.

Day 28: Light candles, turn on relaxing music, and take a bubble bath.

Day 29: Ask your parents or someone you look up to for love advice.

Day 30: Spend today trying to have as much fun as possible, and don’t worry about your relationship status!

Credit: popsugar

Once A Cheater Always A Cheater! Why This Is Not Always True

Once a cheater always a cheater? The experts say this may not always be the case. One therapist, Dr. Nancy B. Irwin, argues that since behavior is learned, it is possible to do a turnaround when it comes to cheating.

If you’ve ever been cheated on, your first instinct may have been to break up because you felt you could never trust the cheater again. But depending on the circumstances, you might have another shot at love with your partner. Here’s why.

Consider why your partner cheated

You may not think about this during the aftermath of the cheating, but the circumstances that led to infidelity could make all the difference. Teri Lynn Wilkins, a life coach specializing in infidelity, betrayal, and cheating, said the reason why your partner strayed may determine whether or not it’s likely to happen again. While it’s not an excuse, a reason can provide insight into what changes need to be made if you decide to stay in the relationship.

In addition, what the cheater sees as a positive intention may sometimes lead to a negative outcome when it comes to relationship needs. Sometimes, in an attempt to fulfill an unmet need (perhaps feelings of  loneliness), the cheater may reach out to someone outside the relationship. Irwin proposed a warped sense of what is right may be what is underneath it all. “No one does anything to deliberately be bad, or wrong, or even evil.  There is always a positive intent. In the clinic, we discover what the intent is, and find a healthy way to get that need met versus harming the self or others,” Irwin said.

 A second chance?

Being cheated on doesn’t feel good, so it’s understandable to feel like you should flee the relationship. However, Wilkins said, in some cases, it might make sense to give your partner another chance. If he or she is truly sorry and willing to try harder at resolving issues before they mushroom, it may be worth it. “A cheater should be given a second chance if they are wanting to mend the relationship. My definition of that is if they are willing to do whatever it takes (including professional counseling), to help their partner heal, for however long it takes,” Wilkins said. “If not, they probably don’t really want to be in the relationship to begin with and that is why they are cheating, so they will cheat again.”

Even if you do reconcile, let your partner know that cheating is not OK. Don’t allow your significant other to mistake your forgiveness for permission. Also do some soul searching to take stock of why you want in the relationship. Wilkins warns if your reasons are rooted in fear, you may want to reconsider your decision. “Cheating is a huge red flag that something is fundamentally broken in the relationship, and it requires much work to dig into those things and fix them. People should not stay together if they are only staying for fear of being alone or not wanting to deal with the grief of a relationship loss,” Wilkins advised.

Read More:

10 Things We Want In A Woman, According To Men

10. She’s Independent

No one gets into a relationship to be a babysitter. If she’s had a rough day at work, it’s great to be her shoulder to cry on. But if she can’t seem to function without you, you’ll eventually suffocate, and if you’re smart you’ll run for the nearest exit.

Independence is key to a happy relationship, for both the man and the woman. You’ll find you’re still getting to know her long after you’ve gotten serious if she has a host of interests and commitments outside of your relationship.

9. She’s Intelligent

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the bimbo routine gets real old, real fast. A woman who can meet you at an intellectual level is a total turn-on.

An intelligent woman will constantly surprise you and keep you on your toes. She won’t let you get bored or complacent. Besides, it’s nice to have something to talk about between all that headboard-rattling sex.

8. She’s Sexual

While we’re on the topic, a great girlfriend has to be sexually compatible with you. For instance, if you’re into S&M and she’s more the “fluffy lingerie” type, that’s a problem. The two of you have to be on the same page — or, at least, if it’s what you really crave, she has to be willing to wear leather and use a whip from time to time.

Of course, this doesn’t imply that she has to know all the right moves straight away; it simply means that you and she have an undeniable attraction toward each other and are able to communicate your desires verbally (or with physical cues). It is important that you please each other in the bedroom — or on top of the dryer — whatever the case may be.

7. You’re Attracted to Her

I know, this one is kind of obvious, but important nonetheless. A great girlfriend will not only want to look good for you, but also for herself.

Being seen with her should make you feel better about yourself. And this doesn’t mean that she has to be a Heidi Klum clone. Whatever floats your boat. Your mutual attraction should make you both want to stay looking your best.

6. She Respects You

This is a biggie. Your girlfriend must respect you — otherwise you have to wonder why she bothers to be with you. This means that she takes the time to listen to you, even if you’re in a heated argument.

A great girlfriend will keep major disputes private rather than taking you down in public. She’ll make an effort to see things from your point of view (provided you do the same for her). The key here is that the respect be mutual — it’s very hard for one of you to respect the other while feeling disrespected. The golden rule has no better application than in terms of respecting your significant other.

5. She Lets You Be a Man

Do not — I repeat — do not get involved with a woman who tries to get you to eat cottage cheese and fruit for breakfast and insists that you give up poker night with the guys. You will end up resenting her more than you can imagine. A good girlfriend lets you be a guy in all your glory, poker night and all. If she’s a great girlfriend, she’ll even bring you and your buddies a couple of beers and make you some of her famous sandwiches.

She has to understand that men and women are different and should allow you to be yourself. Just like you wouldn’t deprive her of going shopping with her best girlfriend, she shouldn’t expect you to give up the guys for her.

4. She Doesn’t Nag Without a Good Reason

We’ve never met a man who was convinced to change his behaviour because of his girlfriend’s nagging. A great girlfriend knows this and chooses her battles wisely. She knows when to get upset and when to let it slide.

However, if you live together and you stay out all night without calling her, and she lets you have it, then you’re setting yourself up for disaster. This is a situation that nobody would let slide — not even a great girlfriend. Don’t push your luck with anyone, least of all your girlfriend.

3. She Gets Along With Your Friends and Family

A great girlfriend will make an effort to get to know your people. She’ll help your parents out at Thanksgiving, try to understand your brother’s twisted sense of humor, and want to get to know your friends.

She’ll actually empathize with your sister’s getting dumped and suggest that you guys take her out to cheer her up. Not only that, but your friends won’t roll their eyes and moan when you mention that she’ll be joining you guys when she gets off work — she’s one of the crowd.

2. She Loves You

If you have found a woman who loves you for who you really are and not who you pretend or try to be sometimes, you should definitely hang on to her. Of course, everyone has their slightly annoying habits that their mate has to contend with, but if she really loves you, she’ll be able to cope with these.

Another way to know if she really loves you is by observing the way she looks at you and treats you on an everyday basis. If the sight of you doesn’t seem to faze her either way, and she doesn’t really seem to care about what you have to say, she’s either playing very hard to get, or she sees you as just some guy. But if a surprise visit or phone call from you makes her light up, there’s no denying that she loves you.

1. She Makes You Want to Be a Better Man

Stop making that face . . . Any man who has a great girlfriend or wife will tell you that she makes him want to be a better man. She doesn’t have to say or do anything; it just is that way. If you suddenly feel bad about how you treated your sister when you were younger or find yourself trying to get your finances in order to prepare for the future, you might want to think about your motivation for doing so. It could be love.

Credit: popsugar

4 Types Of Relationships That Are Bad For Your Money (MUST READ)

1. The broke friend

Do you have a friend who always seems to be in a financial bind? When you ask about his day are you usually met with a heart-wrenching story of his never-ending financial woes? It’s not unusual to fall on hard times every now and then, but it can get annoying when you keep encountering that one friend who seems to be perpetually broke. It’s OK to help out, but if your friend is starting to make a habit of asking for money, it’s time to re-evaluate your friendship. Is he your friend because he genuinely likes and supports you, or is your friend merely looking for a handout?

2. The gold digger

Does your significant other often expect you to pay for everything? Don’t let love blind you to a possible gold digger (and yes, we know that person could be a man or a woman). If you seem to be the only one opening up your wallet, it’s a sign your partner may primarily be with you for financial support. Pay close attention to how your partner acts during times when you don’t have a lot of cash to spare. Does your partner become cold and distant or are you met with compassion and support?

3. The irresponsible family member

Watch out for the family member who is constantly asking to “borrow” money. If you decide to give some of your hard-earned cash, just know beforehand that you may never get it back. Also make sure that you can actually afford to give the money in the first place. It’s not selfish to take care of your own financial needs first; it’s smart. Our advice when it comes to lending money: don’t. However, if you feel that you must lend, make sure you have enough in savings to cover your own expenses.

4. The big-spending spouse

Being in a relationship with a shopaholic is not fun. Your days and nights will likely be filled with arguments about money, email alerts about overdrawn bank accounts, and plenty of tears. If your partner has poor financial management skills, you’ll need to nip this in the bud before things get out of control.  A spendthrift spouse could put you in a tight spot in the event you were to make a significant financial purchase, such as a home. Organizations such as Shopaholics Anonymous and Debtors Anonymous are two good places for your partner to seek help.


5 Reasons Pretty Girls Are Still Single

1. She’s grown out of “dating for the sake of dating.”

These girls are not into wasting their time or energy on a guy they really can’t see themselves being with long term. Casual dates just seem like a waste of time. It doesn’t mean she isn’t interested in dating, she’s just not interested in attending ONE more mediocre date. Mediocre dates happen solely for the sake of going on a date. This is a concept that has grown tired on her. She would rather have a good gym sesh, some pinot noir, a face mask, and bed by 9 p.m. than participate in a forced date. She’s become picky, but if someone worthwhile came along, she would be on a date in a heartbeat!

2. She’s not into meaningless sex.

As much as we all try and dance around this topic, our generation is known to have casual sex with “no strings attached.” She does not confuse “dating” with “hooking up.” A “hot but single” girl has been there and done that with the A-holes who just want ass. She is not going to be down for this guy. To her, nothing is worse than being reminded of the losers from her past by a sub-par hookup and zero follow through on a guys part. Sex is better with someone she has feelings for, and she’s willing to wait for that.

3. She’s not looking to fill a void.

As young adults, we are innately forced to focus on a few key areas of life. This list normally includes: career, family, health, romantic relationships, and friends. What if this “hot but single” girl is killing it in every area other than dating? Is she really going to feel a huge glaring void in her life? The answer is no. A woman, hot or not, who has a complete life isn’t going to succumb to the throes of dating desperation to find the one thing she’s missing. She’s too pretty, busy and happy to force it with the next guy who comes along just to place a checkmark next to her romantic life.

4. She seems to have it all.

The following statement may be controversial, but it’s also true . . . guys are NOT idiots. When a guy meets this “hot but single” that has her sh*t so together, he knows she is wife material. He can’t find a laundry list of reasons to give her the fade away after two weeks. She has beauty, brains and a glowing personality to boot. Dating what could be a future wife can scare the living crap out of a guy. It forces the issue of whether he wants commitment anytime soon, or at all. So, unfortunately for this hot single girl, most of the guys she’s dating aren’t ready for this, so they feel forced to call it quits before it begins. They see the situation for what it is and bail wishing they could cross her path in fiveish years.

5. She knows exactly what she wants.

This hottie hot hot singleton has dated around enough to have learned from her past and identify specifically what she wants in her long term bae. She is sick and tired of making exceptions for losers that live with their moms, but are “really driven.” She is looking for someone as independent, successful, and as happy as she is! Her list of non-negotiables is rock solid, and she knows better than to waste her time on a dude who doesn’t match what she wants. She refuses to settle for just anyone.

Credit: popsugar


Are You Above 25 & Under Pressure To Marry? This Video Is A Must Watch

In China, the term “sheng nu” — which translates to “leftover woman” — is offhandedly used to describe single women, many barely over the age of 25. Even in 2016, the single adult lifestyle is seen as embarrassing for these women’s families, which explains the popularity of “marriage markets,” matchmaking hubs wherein parents seek suitable partners for their shamefully single daughters. In this video from Chinese skin care brand SK-II, some of these so-called “leftovers” attempt to stand up against the pressure to settle . . . for a partner, lifestyle, or societal expectation that doesn’t suit them.

Watch Video:

Credit: popsugar

7 Questions You Should Ask on a First Date

1. What are some of your hobbies?

This will help you see what things your date finds fun and interesting. Your date may spend a lot of time on these hobbies, and if you get serious, may want to involve you in these activities.

2. How did you choose your career?

Most people have interesting stories to tell about how they landed on their chosen career path. A discussion about careers may help you learn more about their motivations and work ethic.

3. What are you most passionate about?

Your date’s passion will be where much of his or her time and energy is spent.

4. What are some of the goals on your bucket list?

This can provide some insight into areas of your date’s life that have yet to be explored.

5. How long ago was your last serious relationship?

The timing may show you whether your date is ready to begin another relationship. If it was very recent, you may want to explore why he or she is dating so soon.

6. What was the reason your last relationship didn’t work out?

Also ask who initiated the break-up and why. This may give you some insight into how he or she handles conflict and what they find important in a relationship. In addition, how was the news delivered? If your future partner says it was via text, email, or worse — social media — you may want to proceed with caution. Someone that insensitive will likely treat you the same.

7. What’s your biggest relationship regret?

Did he or she wish they spent more time with their ex? Did they fight all the time? Ask what your date would have done differently.


3 Ways Attractive Women Play Hard To Get

1. Be a little distant

For some reason, it’s been engraved in our brains that guys are just too dumb to realize we like them, and it’s up to us to let them know. I’m sorry, but . . . what?

We’ve made male romantic laziness a norm, and it needs to stop.

Instead of going after the guy, let him come to you.

Make him work for your attention because you deserve someone who’s willing to put in some effort. And if that effort doesn’t start in the beginning, then (newsflash!) it never will.

Women who play hard to get never act too interested. They never spend too much time chatting with a guy right after meeting him, and definitely no kissing on the first date.

If you worried that making him work might chase him off, then let him go. He wasn’t worth your time anyway.

2. Be a little skeptical

This goes for the safety of your heart AND your physical well-being.

Don’t take everything he says as truth. Unfortunately, people lie all the time, and you don’t always know what you’re getting yourself into.

Ask questions, do some digging, and figure out if the person you’re into is really who they say they are.

Until you’re comfortable enough to get that close with someone, keep him at a distance. Don’t tell them where you live or give out your cell number.

However you do it, keep control of guys’ access to you, and make sure he’s on the up-and-up.

3. Be a little busy

After reining in your male suitor, you might be tempted to fall into the comfort zone of 24-hour texting and getting as far up each other’s butts as (metaphorically) possible.

But I’m going to challenge you to STOP.

Your time is precious, and it shouldn’t be wasted on some guy you’re not even going to remember in 20 years. Make him prove that he’s deserving of your time by letting him know that you don’t have a lot of it to spare.

So let his calls go to voicemail and wait a day to text back. If that’s enough to scare him off, then good riddance.

Credit: popsugar

Signs Your Relationship Is Toxic & You Need To Leave Fast

  1. You have to ask permission.It’s nice to consider your partner’s thoughts and feelings when making decisions, but it shouldn’t be only one of you who can give the go ahead. You should have full freedom to do what you want.
  2. You’re emotionally drained constantly.If all your energy is being put toward arguing or trying to keep your SO satisfied, that’s a problem. A healthy relationship is happy and fulfilling.
  3. You can’t fully be yourself.You should never have to suppress certain parts of you to make your SO accept you. If they can’t love all of you, then they sure as hell don’t deserve you.
  4.   You’ll do whatever it takes to avoid fights

    You might think you’re helping your relationship by letting things go, but not addressing the issues as they appear will have consequences later. The fear of getting broken up with or getting into another argument isn’t reason enough to be passive.

  5. Your SO makes you feel bad about yourself.A little jab here and a condescending tone there are absolutely unacceptable. If your partner loves you as much as they claim they do, they would never put you down in any way.
  6. You fight often.Even the happiest of couples have their moments, but if it’s a daily war zone, how happy can you two really be? Don’t mistake fighting for passion.
  7. You dwell on the past instead of moving forward.Your relationship will be at a standstill if previous issues are constantly being resurfaced. You won’t be able to grow as a couple if you’re stuck in relationships past. It’s easy to bring up an already-resolved problem in the heat of the moment, but don’t let it become ammunition — or else your SO can use it to get their way.
  8. Your work life is being affected.Staying in contact with each other throughout the day can have its benefits, but to a certain extent. Constant check-ups are a sign of a distrust, and fighting via text disturbs productivity at work. Being unable to separate your personal life and professional life ruins your focus and mood.
  9. It’s clear your relationship is imbalanced.In a healthy relationship, no single person should have complete control or say. A partnership is just that — a partnership.
  10. You have to hide things from your partner.

    You know what will set them off, but you shouldn’t have to lie or sneak around to avoid upsetting them. Trust is the foundation of a successful relationship and you’re bound for bigger trouble if they find out you’ve been keeping things.

    Read More: popsugar

5 Signs He Is Never Going To Marry You

1. Discussions about marriage are avoided

If discussions about making your relationship more permanent are shut down before you can even get started, this is a red flag. A partner who just wants to have a casual relationship will not want to discuss the possibility of getting married or even talk about other people’s upcoming nuptials.

“If [your partner] won’t talk about sharing a future with you, the only thing you can conclude is that you are in a relationship without a long-term commitment. Whether [your significant other] loves you or not is a different kind of question. Love does not always lead to commitment, so an important thing for you to consider is how you feel about being in a just-for-right-now relationship and how long you wish to stay there,” said psychotherapist Lisa C. DeLuca.

2. You’re not in the future

If your partner talks about the future but you’re never mentioned in his or her plans, there’s a problem. Someone who is excited about your relationship and desires to spend a lifetime with you will make these intentions clear. Vague or nonexistent references to a future together are not a good sign if you have hopes of getting hitched. Relationship expert Evan Marc Katz says waiting too long for a commitment is just wasting time. There comes a point where you need to make a decision to stay or call it quits:

The only leverage you have is to walk away from [from your partner] and see if [he or she] follows. Sure, you can wait for another year. Sure, you can move in together…But this doesn’t give you what you’re looking for. This is just moving deck chairs around the Titanic, spinning wheels, making noise. These are just things that you might do to avoid breaking up, but they don’t ensure that you’ll be together forever.

3. Your partner runs hot and cold

If things are hot and spicy one minute and then ice cold the next, your partner could be playing games with you. If you never know quite where you stand when it comes to a long-term commitment, your significant other could be buying time or just having fun until someone else enters the picture.

 “Some [partners] lie about what they really feel for you and what their real plans are. They can break up with you at any given time, going from hot to cold in an instant. [They’ll] take you on an emotional rollercoaster ride and will make your love life a living hell,” said relationship expert Brian Nox.

4. You want different things

Do you want children but your partner doesn’t? Are you dead set on monogamy but your partner prefers polyamory? This is a big indicator that you are not going to be walking down the aisle any time soon. Your best bet is to find someone who is compatible and has goals that more closely align with yours.

5. Your partner tells you

The most obvious sign? Your partner tells you that marriage just isn’t in the cards. No matter what you do or say, it’s unlikely you’ll be able to change this decision. If you’re satisfied with dating indefinitely, then just accept it. However, if you know you’d like to settle down, this is your cue to move on.


If Your Guy Does These 16 Things, Congrats! You Found A Real Man

1. He is hygienic, but cleans his nails and trims his nose hairs outside of a nail salon. Think about it: Would Hemingway or Gladiator be getting his nails buffed? Methinks not.

2. He can balance both swag and sophistication and a career and a personal life without too many proverbial exclamation points (and certainly not multiple ones in a text message. No, no, no).

3. He reserves his “LOL” for actual laughter, which he exudes out loud and often.

4. He isn’t looking to play “pen pal” with you through your iPhone because he knows that all text and no play makes Johnny a very dull boy.

5. When he’s interested in a woman, he doesn’t wait three days to call her, but he does actually call her, and when he does, he asks her out for dinner, makes reservations, picks a great bottle of wine (because he knows how to) and then makes sure she gets home safely.

6. If he wants to see her again, he lets her know, and if he doesn’t, he politely lets her know that it was a pleasure to spend time with her, even if it wasn’t. He does, however, let her know gently and firmly enough that he’s not interested so that she doesn’t waste her time thinking it might become something it won’t.

7. He reads actual books and newspapers and holds opinions on everything from scotch pairings to world events all the while understanding that not all of his opinions are facts and that not everyone has to agree with him in order for him to maintain his relationships or his manhood. In fact, he enjoys it when you don’t agree with him because it means he gets to indulge you in a good debate or leave you thinking a little bit harder about things than when you sat down in front of him.

8. He opens doors and takes coats, not because he feels a woman is weak, but because he is strong enough to show that he cares about the comfort of those around him.

9. Sure, he might want to get into a woman’s bed, but he’s also interested in getting into her head as experience has shown him that seduction is a delicate dance and the man who resides in her mind has conquered every other part of her.

10. He appreciates a woman who shows she cares for him, but he isn’t interested in being courted. He enjoys taking the lead in courting and doesn’t need to be “chased” because he’s in desperate need of an ego stroke. He also won’t play “puppy dog” to a woman who takes advantage of this.

11. He doesn’t look to be anyone’s father or savior, and he doesn’t pretend to be the leading man in any woman’s fairy tale. He’s just a man looking for a partner who can slay her own dragons, pay her own bills and explore the world alongside him.

12. He looks for a woman who doesn’t need him, but wants him, not for money or the happiness or a baby or a safety net, but solely for who he is.

13. He has a career, a hobby, a family of close friends and a favorite way to have his steak prepared and he isn’t the least bit intimidated when the woman in front of him shares these qualities; quite the contrary, it makes him want her more.

14. He has taken the time to get to know himself and has a strong understanding of his own character and convictions, what he values and what he doesn’t. He is a man who is honest with himself about himself and therefore is OK being honest with those around him.

15. He takes as much pride in the way he treats women he’s with as he does his job and the way he looks.

16. He’s not the bad boy, a good boy, or a boy at all; he’s a man. A leading man, and he’s looking not for a good girl, but a great woman. One who shares all of the solid qualities that he brings to the table, and perhaps, can teach him something along the way. He’s willing to wait and work for this woman, to fight for her and will gladly hold out for her as long as he needs to. But when she comes along, he doesn’t sit on the fence; he’s smart enough to know when he’s gotten damned lucky. And when she finds him, she should be smart enough to know the same.

Credit: popsugar

5 Signs You Are Dating A Liar

1. A noticeable change in regular behavior

Although we’d like to think our loved ones couldn’t fool us, that’s not always the case. On the flip side, though, if you do know someone well, there’s a better chance you’ll be able to detect if he or she is lying. Ask Men says, “If she’s usually animated and a fast talker, but today she’s sitting with her arms crossed and speaking slowly, maybe there’s something you don’t know. If she rarely looks people in the eye and now she’s practically drilling your pupils with her stare, you may want to get the truth out of her.” When a person is lying, their behavior can be irregular, as they might be nervous, feeling guilty, or crafting the lie as they go. If your sweetie is acting off, something might be up.

2. Your partner has something to gain by acting against your interest

In a Psychology Today article, Marty Nemko, PhD discusses how you can tell who you can and cannot trust. “More important, I’d want to see if a person acts justly even when it’s inexpedient,” Nemko says. “This is especially key if the person has much to gain by acting against your interest and you’re unlikely to detect it.” In his example, Nemko recalls an experience he had in his own life in which his dentist recommended getting a crown. Suspicious, Nemko sought a second opinion. This dentist advised him that his tooth was fine and he hasn’t had any issues with his teeth. The point is the first dentist was being untruthful in order to benefit his business. Similarly, if your partner tries to convince you of something that doesn’t have your best interest in mind, yet presents a significant gain for him or her, you should be wary.

3. Verbal dodging

In her TED Talk, How to Spot a Liar, Pamela Meyer, author of Liespotting, delivers insightful tips on how to recognize deception. She explains verbal dodging is when a person uses formal language, rather than contractions, as well as distancing terms and phrases. Meyer uses Bill Clinton as an example, pointing out his choice of language as he denies his affair with infamous White House intern, Monica Lewinsky. In his claim, Clinton said, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman … Miss Lewinsky.” The takeaway here, Meyer says, is Clinton’s use of “did not,” rather than a less formal contraction, and “that woman,” rather than a reference that seems more familiar. If you’re trying to detect whether or not your partner isn’t being truthful, pay special attention to his or her language.

4. Withholding important information

When you’re seeking the truth, you want your partner to divulge important information that adds up. In an article for Inner Self, Dr. Riki Robbins, PhD, discusses the four stages of trust, one of which is damaged trust. Robbins says it’s in this stage that the people you love will violate your trust, and a common warning sign is withholding vital information. If you ask your partner where he or she was last night, you should expect an honest, straight-forward answer. If he or she responds with, “Nowhere special,” your partner might be hiding something.

5. A radical change in voice

When you spend enough time with someone, you get to know their behavior, mannerisms, and quirks pretty well, which means it’s easy recognize times they stray from such normalcy. In a Real Simple article, Gregg McCrary, retired FBI criminal profiler and crime analyst, said he first tries to assess how someone normally speaks. “Once I know which type of talker a person is, I start asking him questions that I don’t know the answer to. If his manner shifts abruptly — going from calm to agitated or lively to mellow — chances are he’s not telling the truth,” McCrary says. Because you’re already familiar with how your partner speaks and acts, be cautious when his or her delivery feels off.


6 Ways To Spot An Emotionally Unavailable Guy

1. They’re always (I mean, always) doing their own thing. If you’re only spending one or two nights a week with your partner, and they spend the remaining time going on independent vacations or just straight-up not including you, then you might be dating what Dr. Parker calls The Iceberg. The Iceberg partner is constantly distancing themselves from the relationship, avoiding conflict, and brushing off affection.

2. They avoid all emotions. As you may have guessed, emotionally unavailable partners aren’t so good with the mushy-feely stuff. Or, any kind of feely stuff. The partner Dr. Parker describes as The Emotional Silencer doesn’t just back away from their own emotions but yours as well, no matter what kind. You want to talk about your hard day at work? Your insecurities? Your relationship? Sorry, but they’re not going to engage with any of that. This makes it super hard to connect, and super hard to talk about not connecting.

3. They’re always looking for faults. A negative attitude solves nothing, but it’s especially toxic in a relationship. The Critic sees everything you do in a bad light. You make reservations at a restaurant but they don’t like the food. You haven’t responded to their text fast enough so they think you’re hiding something. The apartment is messy and they blame it on you. If it seems like no matter how hard you try, you’re constantly messing up, then it sounds like your partner fits the bill.

4. They’re always holding up a shield. Dr. Parker says that partners who fall under The Defender category are constantly trying to hide from any issues. Rather than shutting off full stop, they just get dodgy whenever there’s a hint of conflict. When you express your worries, they’re deflected by blame and criticism. If you push, it turns into yelling. Before you know it, it’s a full-on argument about something that should have been a normal discussion. Communication is a huge part of a relationship, so if you’re with a partner who just won’t, it’s no wonder things are rocky.

5. They’re scared to show you who they really are. Sometimes, it’s really not you, it’s them. The Fearful Fraud, Dr. Parker says, is so insecure with themselves that they can’t imagine anything they have to contribute to a relationship is worthwhile. That’s why you’re having so much trouble breaking through the surface and seeing what’s underneath. It’s not because they don’t like you but because they’re worried about being vulnerable if you don’t like them.

6. He’s rarely satisfied. If you feel yourself giving and giving but getting nothing in return, then you might be dating a Sponge. Dr. Parker says The Sponge always needs more (be it time, assurance, anything) to try and fill the emptiness. Sponges have a negative view of themselves and never feel understood. It can be exhausting to be in a relationship with someone who makes you constantly feel like you’re not doing enough.

Credit: cosmopolitan

Advice From A Wedding Planner: Think Well Before Hiring Family And Friends

It’s okay to patronise a business  owned by a family member or friend. When it comes to a wedding a lot of them give you their services at little or no cost which is a good thing. What you should have in mind is “can someone who is emotionally invested in your wedding judge professionally”?

Sometimes it doesn’t work out the way you want it then you become restrained from expressing your thoughts. I once planned a party for a client who said her cousin was going to handle finger foods. So I got talking with her on the phone and she seemed nice. I scheduled for a meeting for all my vendors but she couldn’t make it and didn’t even send representative but I  still called and updated her.

On the day of then event she was the last vendor to set up, came an hour after the event had started, most of guests had started eating and didn’t want finger food anymore. My client didn’t say a word to her but I could tell she regretted using her for that event. Some of us find it hard expressing our dissatisfaction from a vendor we don’t really know ,talkless of a family member or friend.

If you must use them, make it clear exactly what you want and how you want, put aside the fact that you know them personally and be very outspoken about the results you expect. That way if anything happens they won’t start sulking and you won’t feel guilty .

Contribution: Queen Ohamara

Do NOT Break Up With Someone Until You Ask Yourself These 8 Questions

1. Why do I want to break up with this person?

This may seem like an obvious question and one your friends will inevitably ask (to which you’ll have a rehearsed response). Outlining in bullet points or even writing down the reasons for breaking up can help you feel validated in your decision. It can even be as simple as writing a pros and cons list for breaking up. This is especially helpful for those who go back and forth between wanting to break up with their significant other and staying with them. Seeing your own feelings written out can give you a sudden epiphany like, “Why didn’t we break up sooner?” And if you feel comfortable, confiding in a family member or friend who has no personal stake in the matter can help you feel more confident in your decision.

2. Is there a way to work out the issues in the relationship?

No relationship is perfect. Identifying the problems together, whether they be trust issues or lack of passion, will help you both come up with a plan to tackle the problems. Do you feel like your relationship lacks heat? Try this 30-day relationship challenge. Are there feelings of jealousy from either end? Discuss what (or who) is making either of you angry or uncomfortable. Was there infidelity in the relationship? Maybe counseling is an option if you both still love each other and want to make it work. Regardless of what the outcomes may be, clear communication from both parties will be the best closure to any breakup.

3. Will I regret the decision?

Right before you break the bad news to someone, you might get cold feet. And even after, you may feel like the villain for ending things. Second-guessing your decision for breaking up is only natural, but if you nudge yourself to think of the reasons for ending the relationship (see question one) and you know you both tried your best to keep it going (see question two), then you will not regret parting ways.

4. What will life be like post-breakup?

Imagining your day-to-day without the person you’re used to seeing 24/7 is heartbreaking. Just even thinking about it might make you want to reconsider breaking up. We rely a lot on our partners to listen to our rants and musings (that not even our friends would care about) and designate them as our automatic adventure buddies. To lose this aspect in a breakup is devastating. But things will get better. Being single means you’ll see your friends more, attend those extra happy hours (which you would have previously skipped for your SO), and pay more attention to your own happiness and well-being. It may seem scary, but alone time is quite often the best time.

5. How should I do it?

OK, so you’re 100 percent committed to ending things. The question is how you should break up with the other person. We’ve all heard stories of breakups that ended with just a text or with one person ghosting the other, but when you legitimately care about someone, these options seem harsh and unforgivable. The best and least confusing way to break up with the other person is to tell them in person. The conversation can happen in your home, in a coffee shop, at a park, or anywhere that is semiprivate enough for a serious conversation but also public enough so that the person getting dumped can escape right away. If you hate confrontation and think you might break out in tears during the conversation, consider writing everything in a letter and then reading it out loud. Or make talking points on your phone and make sure you stick to them. The point is to be clear and confident in expressing your emotions and needs.

6. What should I say?

If you haven’t talked about breaking up already, then you can easily be blindsiding the other person when you do bring it up. In this situation, you should ask your partner how he or she thinks the relationship is going and then state your honest feelings about where you see things heading. You may be surprised that the other side might end up agreeing with you. To avoid the “we’re all thinking it, but no one said it” situation, be the one to say it. If you want to break up and not keep in contact, state that. If you want to break up but leave the door open in the future, say that. Of course, you should let the other person down as gently as you can and give them time to absorb the information, but don’t sugarcoat your feelings or the situation.

7. Should I leave the door open for getting back together in the future?

This one is tricky because leaving the door open to getting back together might not provide either side with the closure you both need. It’s perfectly fine to both go your separate ways and still remain in touch. The key is to know when and how to stay in contact. This doesn’t mean you can check up on your ex every week or have your ex treat you like you’re both in a relationship (when clearly you’re not). It takes two mature adults to break up and get back together and if this seems like the right decision for you, go for it. If you don’t find the arrangement working, though, you’ll have to speak up about it and it may feel like you’re breaking up all over again.

8. What have I learned from this relationship?

A breakup doesn’t constitute a failed relationship. Every person you date is a chance to learn a little more about yourself and what you want in a partner. Try seeking out the positives of every experience, and who knows, you could one day start a blog or write a book about all your misadventures. There are many women and men out there who can relate to breakups and heartaches. You are not alone!

Credit: popsugar

How I Hired A Professional Cuddler After A Heartbreak

Shanna arrives at my apartment 20 minutes early for our 4 p.m. session. I greet her in the clothes prescribed by her company’s code of conduct: a clean T-shirt and sweatpants. On my couch, also as directed, are a fresh sheet and two pillows, both with fresh cases. She changes in the bathroom into an outfit that matches mine, goes over the rules, and for the next 60 minutes, she holds, rocks, and cuddles me, a complete stranger.

 Earlier that week, I had gone to, a website that connects certified cuddlers with those looking for non-sexual affection, and selected whom I wanted to hold or tickle me — yes, some people like to spend an entire hour-long appointment having their arms, legs, and backs tickled. Like with online dating, I scrolled through bios and scrutinized photos from the 11 practitioners in the New York area, and finally settled on a woman — a woman because I wasn’t about to let a strange man come to my apartment and it somehow seemed less invasive. I also liked how Shanna, 35 years old with long, dark hair and a wholesome face, came from a holistic and wellness background and that this didn’t seem like a random thing she was doing for extra cash. Her profile talked about grief and healing and therapeutic touching, and really, who couldn’t use that?

Next, I answered 12 questions about why I was cuddling and what I wanted to get out of my session. I signed a client release and waiver agreement, gave my personal information and social-media handles, and waited for the screening process, which would be a phone call or Skype. I passed, though not everyone is accepted. After I picked a time and date and received a confirmation, I then surrendered my AmEx number — for a second, it did feel a little dirty.

I went through a horrific breakup in March. It was a five-year investment that left me cautious, jaded, devastated, hurt, and resentful. At the same time, I desperately missed human contact and the nakedness and sex my ex offered, something friends and family couldn’t provide. Cuddling seemed like a temporary solution to the above issue, and at $80 an hour, a cheaper alternative to therapy.

It’s not exactly deviant or even very new — cuddling parties have been around for several years. Like a large sleepover, strangers sit in a room and touch one another, give massages, scratch backs, and giggle. These one-on-one sessions are a private comfort to people like myself: those who are stressed from work or life, or feel lonely or lost or physically disconnected, thanks to the Internet — Facebook and Pinterest aren’t adequate substitutes for human contact.

At 4 p.m., Shanna and I sit cross-legged on my sheet-covered couch and face each other. She asks if both of us are sober — we are. She prefaces that only platonic, non-sexual touching is permitted.

When I ask her why cuddling has risen in popularity, she says, “Most people are either trying to get what they never got or haven’t had in a long time. People want to feel taken care of. They need contact. Technology gives the illusion of connection, but it’s superficial. Touch nourishes your cells.”

Credit: Cosmopolitan

Ways To Prevent Boredom From Destroying Your Marriage/Relationship

1. Initiate new activities/hobbies you can do together.

Research has consistently shown that learning new things together as a couple increases the excitement within a relationship.

Take golf or tennis lessons together. Or learn a new language. Maybe you and your partner enjoy cooking; so cooking lessons might be just what your relationship needs.

It doesn’t really matter what new activity you pursue. All that matters is that you pursue it together – and enjoy it.

Enjoying new activities creates excitement!

And excitement is a great antidote to boredom because it is impossible to be bored – when you are excited!

2. Make old things new again!

Do you remember the activities you and your partner enjoyed when you first began dating? Remember those long conversations that you never wanted to end?

Chances are you haven’t engaged in these activities or conversations that initially excited you about your partner in a long time.

So bring back the “good ole days”. Go out dancing or take dance lessons if you used to love to go dancing. Or go out and play golf or tennis if you used to enjoying those activities in the past.

Or if you loved watching movies together – do that!

You might be surprised as to how fast and strong those feelings of excitement get aroused when you re-visit the activities that attracted you to each other.

3. Get creative in the bedroom!

Chances are that a boring sex life is contributing to the overall boredom you are feeling in your relationship.

And there is also a good chance that if you are bored with your relationship, so is your partner.

We are all adults here so I’m going to get a little explicit.

Sex toys, fantasy and role-playing are all fun, easy and creative ways to spice up your sex life. Talk with your partner and see what ideas they might be opened to so you can re-energize your sex life and bring it back to life.

If you are bored with your sex life – make it your responsibility to do something about it!

4. Laughter!

Laughter is often the best medicine for many ailments; and it’s often overlooked.

Take responsibility to inject laughter and a sense of humor into your relationship by joking around and being silly with each other.

Lighten up a bit. The day-to-day grind can take a toll on all of us – zapping all the frivolity and laughter out of our lives.

Laughter and having a sense a humor can really liven things up for our relationship!

Don’t just take my word for it. Here’s what current research says about the positive impact laughter has on our relationship.

On February 22, 2016, Science Daily published the results of a study conducted by the University of North Carolina that found: “People who spent more time laughing with their partner felt that they were more similar to their partner … the more people laughed with their romantic partner, the more they felt they were supported by that person.”

Credit: huffingtonpost

7 Most Ignored Relationship Issues, According To Therapists

Couples often come into therapy complaining of communication problems, meddling in-laws, sex and money issues ? but those are just the most obvious problems counselors hear about.

Below, marriage therapists share seven of the most overlooked reasons couples come to therapy and how to avoid each in your own relationship.

1. They’re way too dependent on each other.

It’s humanly impossible for your S.O. to fulfill your every need. You can’t expect one woman or man to be your sounding board, your bestie, your lover, your personal accountant and everything else in between, said Kristin Zeising, a San Diego-based psychologist.

“It’s taxing on the relationship and a burden for your S.O. to play so many roles,” she said. “This dynamic can also can deaden your sexual desire for each other.”

To curb this kind of dependency, Zeising tells her clients to create some distance and focus on outside relationships.

“For the couples who do everything together, concentrate on spending time with friends separately, create separate hobbies and interests,” she said. “Becoming a more well-rounded, less dependent individual makes your relationship more fulfilling.”

2. They don’t realize what housework represents.

Many couples struggle with how to balance their careers and home life but few recognize the emotional charge behind housework, said Susan Pease Gadoua, a marriage therapist and the co-author of The New I Do, Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebel.

“For decades, women have been in charge of domestic responsibilities because the tasks were considered too ‘lowly’ for men,” she said. “Unfortunately, most of the housework still falls on modern women but men have stepped up and they are doing far more around the house these days.”

Couples struggling to split housework need to adopt a “we’re in this together” mentality, Pease Gadoua said. (And know that there’s research-backed benefits to divvying up the chores: A recent study found that couples who share housework report having better and more frequent sex.)

3. They underestimate the need for personal space.

In the early days, you spent every last waking hour together. That was intoxicating back then but chances are, it might be a little stifling for one of you as time goes on. The good news is, there’s nothing wrong with a little “me time” in a relationship, said Liz Higgins, a Dallas, Texas-based couples therapist who works primarily with millennials.

“People often ‘lose themselves’ in their relationship and forget to harness their independence,” she said. “When you’re in love, you just can’t give up on your hobbies or disengage from self-care activities; these things are actually incredibly important to maintaining your relationship.”

To avoid a codependent dynamic, couples must learn the balance of interdependence: “It’s about thriving together yet also separately,” Higgins said.

4. They don’t love themselves enough.

The old platitude is true: You can’t love anyone else unless you love yourself first. Going into a relationship with a low opinion of yourself “trickles down negatively to almost every aspect of marriage,” said Becky Whetstone, a marriage and family therapist in Little Rock, Arkansas.

“I’ve seen it lead to so much dysfunctional behavior, from adultery and addiction to being dependent, or a boundary-less control freak,” she said. “A person who is shame-filled cannot have a healthy relationship with another person. I really do believe that shame is the number-one cause of divorce.”

A more solid, healthy relationship starts with bringing your best, most positive self to the table, Whetstone said.

“Work to maintain that, find a mate who is dedicated to doing the same and you have a fighting chance at having a healthy relationship,” she said.

5. They’re vindictive during fights and rarely apologize.

In the heat of an argument, couples all too often go for the low blows. Unfortunately, they rarely apologize for the momentary lapse in judgement, Zeising said.

“We’re all human and have a dark side but if you don’t acknowledge it and own up to it, you can’t learn to control it and are more likely to keep acting it out,” she said. “When you can own these feelings, you can approach relationship issues from a place of integrity.”

6. They assume they know everything about each other.

To keep the love alive, you have to maintain a little mystery. When you think you have your spouse all figured out, you deny yourself the chance to discover new, loveable qualities about them, Higgins said.

“When couples have been together for a long time, they often lose sight of the fact that their partner is still an entire world of their own thoughts, feelings and experiences,” she said. “Desire and excitement thrive in the unknown; continuing to explore the otherness of your partner will actually deepen your connection.”

7. They’re closed off to their spouse’s feelings.

There’s little room for growth in a relationship when one partner overreacts and doesn’t want to hear feedback from the other, Zeising said.

“Instead of blaming the messenger or avoiding expressing your true feelings, it’s important to soothe your own anxieties,” she said. “You can’t guarantee that your partner won’t have challenging things to say to you but you can decide how you want to handle that information.”

Credit: huffingtonpost

Why Being Single In Your 30s Is Actually An Incredible Opportunity

Your initial reaction to the title of this article may have been some sort of combination of pity and sadness—it’s not your fault, our society conditions us to feel this way about single people (read: women) of a certain age! Hear us out, though. There are innumerable benefits to being unattached in your 30s, which are evident if you’re picturing the person in question as a man, but probably less so if you’re thinking of her as a woman. Here, all the reasons you should celebrate if you find yourself sans partner once you hit 30.

When you’re single in your 30s, you likely find yourself sans wingman a lot—many of your friends have married and started families, so if you’re not dating anyone, it can be hard to rope someone in to being your plus one to obligatory events like birthday parties, engagement parties, et cetera. So, you get used to going it alone, which is a good thing, because life is long and unpredictable, and though you will absolutely find a partner if you want one, there are inevitably times in which you have to fly solo.

If you’re single in your 30s, chances are you’ve watched quite a few friends get hitched and make babies. While initially these milestones may incite jealousy, eventually the rose-colored glasses come off and you get to see them for what they really are—trade-offs that require a lot of work. This isn’t to say they’re not worth the sacrifice, it just means that the longer you wait to make these moves, the more time you will have to think mindfully about which scenarios actually make you happiest. Maybe you always thought you wanted children, for example, but after seeing the reality of what that entails you’ve changed your mind. Maybe you figured you would be a stay-at-home mom, but then you heard firsthand from friends how challenging that can be and have decided to remain committed to some version of your career. Maybe, after watching friends struggle with money, you’ve decided financial stability is an important criteria for anyone you seriously consider as a life partner. Whatever the revelation may be, you probably wouldn’t have known it with such clarity had you not been able to bear witness to the trials and tribulations of your trailblazing friends.

Read More: Yahoo


Signs She Is A Gold Digger

Looking for some red flags to prove you’re in a relationship with a gold digger? Read this:

 1. What your partner has is never good enough and he or she is constantly looking and pointing out what someone else just bought. Another red flag is if the focus always seems to be impressing other couples at your expense. It’s always about a good table at the new hip restaurant when you go out with friends, never a movie and a beer afterwards. You always pay. And the biggest red flag can be seen when it comes to vacations. Does it always need to be the St. Regis or Four Seasons or Maui or can we Airbnb a quaint place in Vermont and have just as much fun? If it’s the former and it’s on your dime, guess what? That trend won’t stop after marriage.

2.  Discuss finances as the topic comes up naturally: dinner dates, work discussions with friends, and other couples. It’s part of all of our lives; it should come up reasonably quickly as people love to discuss their careers. This should certainly happen within the first few weeks, and if it doesn’t, I’d start to wonder and maybe be a bit more proactive in bringing up the topic.

 Student loans and large purchases like a car or home are a great time to introduce the credit score topic. If you’re in an obviously high-paying career and your partner turns out to have a low credit score and a ton of student debt it doesn’t mean they’re necessarily after your money, but it does mean that you should be aware of that possibility.

Why Compatibility Is Key To Having A Successful Relationship

Many factors go into a successful relationship, but one of the biggest ones is compatibility. If you have nothing in common and share little or no interests once the newness of the relationship wears off, there’s not much left to work with. First of all, what is compatibility? Generally, you know you are compatible when you both share similar views and opinions on the issues that matter most to you.

“Compatibility is a natural alignment of lifestyle choices and values between two people. A priest and a stripper have a major incompatibility and I doubt many end up dating each other. That’s compatibility. Put simply, if I value women who are intelligent and educated and I meet a high school dropout who values guys who have big muscles and like to hunt deer, then we have a fundamental incompatibility that will probably never be overcome and we will never date one another. Compatibility usually corresponds to the long-term potential between two people,” said Mark Manson.

In the absence of a sufficient amount of compatibility, the relationship will either slowly break down or drag on for years, with one or both partners trudging along in misery. Now you don’t want that, do you? It’s not necessary to have 100% compatibility with your partner, but at least some should exist. Here are a few reasons why being compatible is so important.

1. Sometimes opposites attract — and that’s not always a good thing

You may have heard the saying that opposites attract, but sometimes being too different can lead to conflict. One partner may end up getting a raw deal, and over time that could put strain on the marriage.

“Like most clichés, this popular belief is overgeneralized and can be misleading, even dangerous. This is because the attraction between opposites can sometimes be a telltale sign of dysfunction. A dysfunctional relationship is one that does not support cognitive, emotional, and behavioral adjustment among its participants. For example, dependent individuals may be attracted to other individuals who enable or encourage helplessness or dependence,” Elliot D. Cohen, one of the main founders of philosophical counseling, said on Psychology Today.

2. Great sex isn’t enough

While the sex may be hot, it’s not enough to sustain a long-term relationship. However, in a healthy union, sex is the icing on the cake that can help a relationship grow stronger and deepen trust. If you are in a relationship that is clearly going south, but you’re hanging on for the sex, you’re fooling yourself about your future.

“There’s an old saying that has some truth to it: ‘In bad relationships, sex means everything; in good relationships, it means very little.’ While I don’t believe the latter point is entirely true, you get the meaning. Great sex within the context of a bad relationship is a like a drug that will keep everyone coming back for more until each member of the couple gets honest with themselves and admits the truth: The relationship is broken or, worse, not much of a ‘relationship’ at all,” Dr. Seth Meyers told Fox News Magazine.

3. Looks fade

When your looks are gone — and they will go one day — will your partner still be there? Compatibility is important because the superficial things that may have initially caught your attention will not last forever. Waist lines expand, hair thins, and skin wrinkles (unless you have the money to hire a really good plastic surgeon). Shared interests and a solid friendship with your partner is what will survive the test of time.

Credit: CheetSheet

Read The Story Of 79 Year Old Virgin Planning To Get Married

Margaret* knew exactly how she wanted her wedding day to go and what she wanted to wear, which was definitely not the traditional white gown. In fact, there was no wedding dress shopping at all. She didn’t go to a bridal store with a group of her closest friends and family. There was no teary-eyed moment where she said yes to the dress. Instead, she bought her wedding attire from a catalog without even trying on the clothes first. She will be wearing a long white skirt with one ruffle at the bottom paired with a sky-blue crochet top and fresh flowers to contrast against her dark hair.

“I didn’t want to get a big white dress,” she says. “Maybe if I were younger, but I’m just too old.”

Margaret currently lives alone and plans for it to stay that way until after the wedding. And that’s in part because the couple takes the whole “no sex before marriage” thing very seriously — in fact, the bride is still a virgin.

The venue for the wedding is the Catholic Church that the bride has been going to regularly for nearly her entire life. While parts of her story may seem like your typical old-fashioned wedding, there is nothing conventional about it. Margaret, the bride is 79, and Henry*, her fiancé, is 85.

“My priest told me that I should write a book,” Margaret says. “He told me that he’s never heard a story like mine.”

Margaret and Henry met a little over 60 years ago. They both were born and raised in small neighboring farm towns along the Ohio River. Margaret was 17 years old and finishing up her senior year of high school when she met Henry, a 23-year-old working in the nearby steel mills.

“My mother didn’t like him because he was too old and wasn’t Catholic,” Margaret says. “But I didn’t really care.”

Margaret and Henry quickly fell in love, and “went together” for the next 4 1/2 years. Even though Margaret was away at college at Kent State University, she would visit Henry — who was still working in the steel mills — on the weekends and holiday breaks.

“You know, he really was and is the love of my life,” she says.

But like many great love stories, their relationship faced an enormous amount of backlash from their families and hometowns. When Margaret was home for Easter her senior year of college, her mother told her that she had to break up with Henry once and for all because the town had “started to talk.” While both were from poor rural families, Margaret’s family thought she was making something out of her life by going to college, and they felt like Henry was holding her back.

With all the pressure, Henry started to doubt their relationship and told Margaret that he could never provide her with the life she deserved because he was “just a poor steel mill worker.” The Saturday before Easter, Margaret, who was 21 at the time, reluctantly broke up with Henry. She didn’t want to do it, but felt as though she had no choice. She could no longer handle the outside scrutiny their relationship faced.

“He told me that he’d never forget me,” she says. Margaret immediately knew that she made a big mistake. She felt so bad about the breakup that she tried to call Henry the next day to apologize and beg him to take her back.

“I remember his sister answered the phone and said Henry never wanted to see me again because I broke his heart,” she says. “But my heart was broken too.” That was the last time Margaret ever tried to contact Henry. She never heard from him again. Even though Margaret was devastated, she returned to Kent State to finish her last year. She graduated with her bachelor’s in teaching and decided to pursue her master’s degree. She taught first grade for the majority of her life and about 30 years later, she retired in her early 60s. When asked why she never married nor had any children, Margaret says she was always very busy, and so she never had the chance to be lonely. Plus, she also took care of her sick mother, who lived with her, for nearly 20 years.

“She was married to teaching,” says her sister-in-law, Sarah*.

And while she dated a few men throughout the years, and had one other serious relationship, none were quite like Henry. “No one compared to him,” Margaret says. “There was something about him that was special.” It seemed as though Margaret and Henry were destined to be star-crossed lovers, until 10 months ago when out of the blue, her housekeeper — unaware of Margaret’s saga — flat-out grilled her about why she never got married.

“I told my housekeeper about Henry and how I was forced to breakup with him, but still love him.” she says. “I’ve had him in a piece of my heart my entire life.”

And with that tidbit of information, her housekeeper did some digging over the next few days and was able to find Henry’s phone number and address, thanks to Google.

“Somehow she was able to find his information on some type of square device,” Margaret says.

The “square device” Margaret is referring to is an iPhone.

Margaret says she never even thought about finding Henry’s contact information because the only phone she owns is still attached to the wall! Aka, no cell phone, no computer, no email.

“I remembered what his sister told me all the years ago about how he never wanted to see me again, so I didn’t want to bother him,” she says.

But though her housekeeper kept encouraging her to reach out to him, Margaret was reluctant at first.

“It took me 2 1/2 weeks to gather my thoughts and finally call him,” she says. “I dialed up his number and was shaking like a leaf.”

What Margaret intended to be a short and sweet brief chat turned into a three-hour long conversation. She learned that while Henry eventually married, he never had any children either and he was recently widowed.

“He told me that he never stopped loving me. He said he never forgot me and that I was always on his mind.” Henry has called Margaret every night since their first phone call 10 months ago.

“It’s like I never left him and he never left me,” she says.

After talking on the phone for a few weeks, they finally met in person. Henry made the hour and a half hour drive to Margaret’s house.

“He knocked on my door and when I opened it, I said ‘Wow you look old,’ and he responded with, ‘Well, you look old too,'” says Margaret.

After a few months of talking on the phone and regular visits, Henry looked at Margaret and said, “Let’s do this.” She responded with, “Let’s do what.” He said, “Get married.”

But Margaret said no. After 60 years apart, she felt they barely knew each other anymore. Henry wasn’t discouraged by Margaret’s answer. If anything, he continued to pursue her with even more fervor. He still called her every night and they had scheduled weekly visits with one another. A few months ago, Henry tried again and asked Margaret if she wanted an engagement ring.

This time, she said yes, but she wanted to know one thing first. She wanted to know why he didn’t come back for her 60 years ago. The answer is perhaps all the proof we need to rationalize grand gestures: “He said he didn’t want to interfere, that he wanted me to have a better life and he couldn’t provide it because he didn’t go to college. I told him that it didn’t matter,” Margaret explained.

Accepting his proposal the second time was easy, but she now had to tell her friends and family about her engagement, the majority of which didn’t even know she and Henry were dating again.

“I remember hearing Margaret talk about Henry all those years ago, but I never met him because I was away in the service during that time,” says Margaret’s older brother, Tom*. “I asked her why she even wants to get married at her age when she can just live with him.”

Though Tom was confused about the engagement at first, he is now supportive of his little sister and just wants her to be happy.

After the wedding, Henry will be moving into Margaret’s house. When asked about their wedding night, Margaret shyly insists they don’t have any “specific plans.” And when pressed on why she’s remained a virgin all of these years, Margaret says because of her religion and the fact that she never married.

“As a Catholic, you are supposed to have sex after marriage, not before,” says Sarah.

Margaret expects many people to not understand her decision to get married at her age, but this time she’s not going to let it stop her.

“I know people are going to talk. It’s weird. I’m 79,” she says. “But if you love each other, all of that stuff doesn’t matter.”

And with that, the wedding planning is well underway. The guest list has been finalized, the invitations are ready to be sent, and the date and venue are reserved. Margaret and Henry realize that they may not have much time together, but as Margaret says, “If I get two years with him, even just one month, I will die a happy woman.”

*Names have been changed

Credit: Cosmopolitan

7 Of The Best Places To Meet Your Future Partner

1. Don’t skip work happy hour

Even if you’ve already determined that you will never date any of your coworkers, join in on every office happy hour you can. You never know who may bring an outside friend along or where you could end up after the happy hour is over. Chances are most of your work friends are pretty cool people so you can rely on them to broaden your network of potential partners.

2. Volunteer your time

If you’ve already scoured everyone at work, the gym, and any mutual friends, it may be time to switch things up a bit. Volunteer for an organization you care about or with election season coming up, sign up on a campaign. By broadening your perspective, you’ll meet a whole different group of people and even if you don’t meet that special someone, you’ll walk away with new friends and an impressive line on your resume.

3. Take a class

Remember what it was like to be in college, surrounded by people your age? If you’re still in college, take advantage of it. If not, sign up for a college class and enjoy going back in time to the days of group projects and cute lab partners. To start, your choice in class will give you something in common with the other students. Then, you can bond over your rambling professor, the final exam, or that girl in the front row who sleeps through every class. Take it to the next level and see if any of the Business Insider’s list of colleges where you’re most likely to meet you future spouse are near you.

4. Look to the gym

If fitness is important to you, then where better to meet a future partner than at the gym? If you’re always in the weight room, switch things up and take a kickboxing class, do some cardio, or visit the racquetball courts. Just by changing up your workout, you’ll be exposed to a whole different group of gym-goers. If you and your love interest visit the gym at similar hours, it will be easy to arrange a half-date before or after a workout. Grab a smoothie, a post-workout snack, or try a yoga class together.

5. Attend more events

This is one area where social media saves the day. You know those annoying public event invites you’re constantly getting on Facebook? Rather than ignoring them, RSVP and go. At first glance, a book reading may not be your cup of tea, but it will expose you to an entirely new group of people, which may bring you face to face with someone you wouldn’t have otherwise met. If you can drag a friend along, it will make the whole situation a little more comfortable, but don’t be scared to go at it alone. When you fly solo, it not only makes you more likely to talk to new people, but it will also be easier for others to approach you.

6. Join a team

If you ever played high school or college sports, you probably remember the bond you shared with your teammates. Recreate this connection and have fun doing it by joining a co-ed intramural team. Not only will you meet people who are interested in the same activity, but after games there’s a good chance the team will go to a nearby bar to grab a drink. Use this time to get to know any of teammates that caught your eye. Depending on where you live, there are even some leagues that are specific to singles. If sports aren’t your thing, research local trivia nights and ask if anyone’s looking to add on a player.

7. Hit the park

Is it a warm, sunny day? If so, you can bet people are packing up their picnic baskets and heading to the park. Grab a soccer ball or a frisbee, bring along your dog (or borrow one), and join the masses. Take a few laps around the area to check things out and pray that your pup is cute enough to garner some attention. If not, grab the ball or frisbee and ask someone if they want to play. The worst they can do is say no, but chances are you’ll not only meet potential romantic interests but some new friends too.

Credit: CheetSheet

3 Simple Actions That Will Save Your Relationship

1. Tell Your Partner Three Things You Love About Them

I was watching a movie and I believe in any movie, you could pick up something that will really help you in your life. Movies are designed that way to inspire, to help you connect better to yourself and to give you hope.

It was a dumb movie, some Adam Sandler, Drew Barrymore or Jennifer Aniston thing; can’t even remember the name of it. But there was this scene, where Nicole Kidman and her husband, Dave Matthews, were talking about their relationship. Nicole Kidman went up to Jennifer Aniston’s character and said:

“I love my husband, and the reason why we have such a great relationship because every day we make sure we tell each other three things that we admire about each other, three things that make us happy about being around the other person.”

2. Stop Focusing on the Negative

Relationships, when conflict is present, tend to go on these out of control spirals, where we’re constantly nagging. We complain we’re not getting our needs and desires met. We’re constantly angry with the other person, picking fights, instead of appreciating the other person.

I want you to think about this. In life, you get more with sugar and honey than you do with anger and venom. We all come with baggage. There is no perfect person. There is no one who doesn’t come with negatives, including you.

In the beginning of your relationship you were willing to forgive every little thing your partner did that annoyed you. You ignored it because what they were bringing to table was so much better.

If you want to keep your relationship strong and healthy you have to let go of the idea that your partner will change. Your partner will change, but in ways that’ll surprise you. They’ll change in ways that are not convenient for you and your relationship.

Accept your partner’s baggage and pray they accept yours. It’s the only way your relationships will survive.

3. Be More Physical in Your Love

I’m not talking about sex. Sex is vital to a healthy relationship, but when sex is gone we feel it instantly. A lack of sex is a giant red flag that things are not right. Today we’re talking about the little things. The kind of physicality I’m talking about is snuggling and hugging. Touching.

Once we get settled into a serious relationship often there are less hugs, less I love you, less holding hands. We tend to think of these traits, as puppy love deemed appropriate for high school students with crushes, but they’re the foundation to any healthy relationship.

Touch can be healing. Touch can be soothing. Touch let’s your partner know you missed them. It tells them you were thinking about them while they were away. It’s a simple, silent way to assure your partner you love them and you are here for them.

There you have it — three things you can do every single day to make sure that your relationship works. Tell your partner the three things that you love about them that day, show them your love through physical touch, and forget about the negatives.

It works like magic.

Think about how you feel when you receive a compliment. It’s a reminder of how special you are. All of a sudden, all the things that you thought were bad aren’t as bad as they seemed.


2 People, 25 Years of Marriage, and the DNA That Could Tear Us Apart

We have been married for 22 years, and everything was fine until, 12 years into it, we had kids. Our children changed us. They brought out in Benjamin a love so fierce, so focused, that I fell off the edge of his world, plunging straight past him and into some sea where, no matter how much I flounder and flail, he fails to toss me a line. As for me, in the sea, my children often appear to me as apparitions, floating forms, people of poured plaster or glass, ghostly and beautiful but beyond my reach.

I recently told my husband that if we want to save our marriage, we need to find time to spend together without the children. “It works like this,” I tell him. “The husband and wife are a team. That team has to be the prime priority, or the family collapses.”

“It works like this,” my husband tells me. “We need to pay attention to the family. We need to do more things together. If we were a more coherent group, if you would join us when we play Scrabble or Clue, then our marriage would improve.”

I don’t know who’s right. I suspect I am. I suspect that the dyad needs to be diamond-hard to survive the assaults life throws its way, the challenge of children, the bland familiarity that rides on the tail of time. I can’t see how Scrabble could possibly restore the romantic bond that drew my husband and me together way back when: he with his strawberry-blond hair and pale-sky eyes, me with my mahogany hair and hands the size of starfish. We made our wedding invitations ourselves, taking pictures of our faces and cutting them in half and then pasting them together. I found a copy of the invitation the other day, and I can see now that the joined faces do not present a whole but rather look like some kind of crash—and if you peer closely, you can see the ragged rift between the half husband and the half wife, a subtle seam of white between us.

My husband and I have always been radically different people, so I suppose it should come as no surprise that our differences have deepened. He is an engineer and a committed rationalist, evaluating every problem, no matter how slight, by breaking it into its component pieces and searching for a solution. Feelings, Benjamin says, only obscure the necessary steps. Over the years, we have become clichés. I, of course, approach problems by listening for their emotional undertones to discern the hidden issue: life as layers, me peeling back, lifting lids, while my husband draws graphs and composes computer code.

Not long ago, he brought home two boxes and lay them side by side on the counter. The labels read “23andMe,” and the picture showed a pop-art X chromosome. “We spit into the test tubes,” my husband said, tapping the top of one box, “and then send it off, and in a few weeks we’ll get back our genomes, all analyzed.”

“I don’t need to have my genome analyzed,” I said. “I already know I’m Jewish and come from Eastern Europe, and I know that breast cancer runs in my family, as does diabetes, so…I don’t want to.”

“You might find out that you are not as Jewish as you think,” my husband said. “You might find out you are at high risk for a disease you could do something about.” (23andMe no longer provides information about disease risk; the FDA ordered the company to stop until it completed the agency’s regulatory review process.)

Read More: Yahoo

True Love! As 107-Year-Old Man Weds 95-Year-Old Woman In Plateau.

Elder Dikam Garba Dabo’ok and Mrs Ka’a Nafung got married in Plateau state recently.

The church ceremony in Plateau State, has remained the talk of the town in the social diary of the state and may remain so for a long time. This is particularly so because the celebrants are the first couple in the history of the state to be administered marital vow at such unusual ages.

At 95, the bride is well past her menopause. Her surviving first child is 65 years old. The groom, popularly known to many in his neighbourhood as Baba Dikam, is 107 years old and may no longer be sexually active. But all that is not enough to discourage the couple from walking down the aisle arm-in-arm for a new marital oath.

The ceremony, which was held at the Church of Christ in Nations (COCIN), Chizu village in Bwai, Mangu Local Government Area of the state, was a delight to watch as it was packaged in the manner that young grooms and brides would walk down the aisle. The groom was dressed in black suite and a red neck tie to match, while the bride stepped out dressed in a pure white wedding gown with a neatly made hair to match. They drove to the church in separate vehicles, as if they never met before. The groom was accompanied by cutely dressed men and the bride by a long bridal train.

They had a procession and matched into the church separately as if they never met before. They only came together after they were wedded by the officiating pastor. The officiating pastor of the church, Rev. Tongwe Sale, congratulated the couple and admonished them as if they were young couples. He said: “Marriage is ordained by God and it should be kept sacred.” He charged them to keep faith in God since they are still alive, noting that although they are old, they can still be important in the lives of their children and grand children.





My Encounter with President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan – Onyeizu Chinedu

All of the great leaders have had one characteristic in common: it was the willingness to confront unequivocally the major anxiety of their people in their time. This, and not much else, is the essence of leadership. —John Kenneth Galbraith.

There are three kinds of people: Those you meet and instantly forget a few minutes later.  Those that give you a negative impression when you meet them, and those that leave long-lasting pleasant memories after you’ve met them.

I am Onyeizu Chinedu from Obingwa LGA of Abia State; a Harvard University trained professional and a Petroleum Engineering graduate of the Federal University of Technology, Owerri.

In late 2002, I was posted to Bayelsa State as a “Batch A” National Youth Service Corp member. After the three weeks orientation camp, I was assigned to serve in Kiama Grammar School, Kolokuma/Opokuma Local Government Area; where I taught physics and mathematics.

Of course, I had a pleasant experience teaching in the community school and hanging out with friends and other corps members most evenings under the famous Kiama bridge.

One of the most significant incidents of my youth service experience occurred outside the classroom and it started with a visit from an elderly friend of mine, Papa, who supplied fresh plantain and fish to corpers. Anytime he visited, I observed a cloudy white substance that covered a large part of his right eye. While we conversed, I remembered we were encouraged at the NYSC orientation camp to engage in group or personal community development projects (CDP). So the idea of surfing the net for an NGO to help the old man came to my mind, at the same time, as a corps member who had benefited from his free food, I decided to make it a personal CDP and explore any opportunity to relieve his condition.


Initially, I pondered whether my meager N11,500 monthly allowance popularly referred to as allowee will be enough to accommodate an extra investment in a humanitarian initiative and also sustain me in Kiama village. But since Papa wouldn’t hesitate to share his bunch of plantain, which is actually all that he had, I didn’t waste time to conclude that any effort to restore Papa’s sight will be worth my time, energy and allowance.

The first thing I did was to register the initiative as an NYSC CDP. Afterwards, I started researching to learn about the name and cause of his eye infection. When I was told it was cataract, I started surfing the net on weekends to either find a group, an NGO or a medical institution that will be willing to offer free eye service surgery to Papa. As luck could have it, I found a medical charity in the United Kingdom, “Sight 2020 Direct”. I wrote them an e-mail, asking whether they could come to Bayelsa for a free eye surgery camp. After several e-mail exchanges, I was able to convince the group to come.

However, I didn’t know that I had a big bureaucratic hurdle to jump with the state government ministries. For common sense sake, we are referring to a group of ophthalmologists and nurses that are coming to carry out a free, again free eye saving surgery for cataract blind persons in the state. With the assumption that government officials would be enthusiastic about the project, I reached out to the Bayelsa State Commissioner for Health and the numerous special advisers to the Governor on health matters. To my utmost surprise, I was turned to a ping pong “Chinedu come tomorrow, Chinedu the commissioner is busy with an important delegation, Chinedu the initiative is laudable, we will consider it and call you, Chinedu do a formal application using the NYSC letterhead etc.” After three months of seeking for help and support from the government, I exhausted my resources and the resources of the corps members that volunteered to help.

At a point, my small team and I decided to organize the eye camp on our own. We informed the NYSC state office and got approval to go ahead with a humanitarian branded message and creative ideas on how to execute the project. We started making progress as more corps members volunteered to join. Soon we had opticians, medical doctors, etcin the team. We set up make shift diagnostic centers across the state, used opticians that volunteered in areas outside Yenagoa. Within weeks, we registered over 50 blind patients and conducted visual acuity tests on them. I remember organizing a sensitization road walk along the major streets of Yenagoa wearing a white T-shirt; we branded “Sight for all Bayelsans in 2003”. Because we had no money, we produced the road walk T-shirts out of a cardboard paper cut-out and then used diluted oil paints to write on it. However, the Bayelsa Radio and TV stations agreed to place our public announcements and jingles on air free of charge. That leverage helped us reach out to patients that reside far from Yenagoa. I hardly slept for two hours in a day. I would co-ordinate and plan project deliverables with the volunteer optometrists, follow up on other corp members that volunteered to support logistics and at the same time pursue the ministries responsible for health matters in the state. But determination and the passion to serve our nation kept us going.

When the UK- medical team landed in Port Harcourt airport on November 14, 2003, I still had no financial or logistical support from any government agency. Meanwhile patients had started contacting medical officials in Okolobiri General Hospital. Before I made the last move towards getting the state government’s attention, I said a quick prayer in my mind. I asked God to intervene; at least for the sake of the poor blind persons that have made it out of the creeks to receive sight saving surgeries. This final move was to visit the head of a Bayelsa youth organization. I met him and explained my ordeal with the state government ministries. He apologized and asked whether I met with the state deputy governor, Dr. Goodluck Jonathan. I said no; but that if any help has to come, it should be quick because the expatriate doctors were already on their way to Bayelsa from Port Harcourt International Airport.

He made some calls and asked me to quickly get into his vehicle. We drove down to the Bayelsa State Government House and we were ushered into the deputy governor’s office. We logged in our names and after a few minutes we went into Dr. Goodluck Jonathan’s office.

I told him about the free eye surgery programme and my fruitless efforts to get support from the state ministries. I was specific, I asked him for three things: accommodation, security, and transportation. After listening to me, he smiled and thanked me for initiating such a laudable project in Bayelsa State. You may wait at the reception.” His voice was gentle, like he was giving me a suggestion, not an order. I left his office and waited at the reception room. I was exhausted and anxious, still praying in my heart for a miracle to happen.

As God could have it, the Chief of Staff soon appeared and relayed a message from Dr. Jonathan. “You will be provided a coaster bus, five mobile policemen and accommodation at Intercontinental Hotel, Yenagoa. In addition, they gave me the sum of two hundred and fifty thousand naira to purchase medical equipments for the project.

I couldn’t believe my ears. To me it was a modern day miracle; especially after passing through hell in the last couple of months.

The free eye surgery programme started on Tuesday, November 18, 2003, at Okolobiri General Hospital. The Sight 2020 Direct team performed a total of sixty-eight surgical operations; removing cataracts and inserting intraocular lenses. Over sixty-eight blind indigenes of Bayelsa State had their eyesight restored at the end of the programme

The full story was published on pages 24-25 of the December 13th,2003 SUN Newspapers.

Twelve years have gone by since my youth service in Bayelsa State, but I have never stopped wondering what would have happened to that free eye surgery programme if Dr. Goodluck Jonathan hadn’t intervened. What would have happened to Papa and the other 67 blind patients?

I strongly believe that Dr. GoodluckEbele Jonathan certainly belongs to the group of individuals who give long-lasting positive memories. He addressed the major anxiety of his people at a time it was needed. Although we met for less than ten minutes, his prompt action that fateful day had a huge impact on my life and the lives of those 68 patients.

From that brief encounter with him, I learned that persistence pays off. Problems and challenges may obstruct your progress, but if you believe in yourself and your goal, you will eventually succeed. I remember waiting for hours, particularly at the ministry of health with nobody paying attention to me. I remember being referred to this or that special adviser, and being forced to use my meager corper allowance of N11, 500 (less than $100 today) to support the free eye surgery programme. Despite these initial setbacks, the breakthrough finally came.

The second thing I learned from my encounter with Dr. Jonathan is that there are government officials who genuinely care about the welfare of Nigerians and strive to improve lives. Even in the midst of corruption and apathy, you’ll find God-fearing leaders who provide immediate solutions to pressing problems.


The last thing I will like people to take away is that it’s okay to aim high. I could have donated textbooks to the students of Kiama Grammar School and registered the donation with NYSC as a personal community development initiative. But I decided to aim high and impact as many lives as possible, and thanks to Dr. Goodluck Jonathan, I succeeded.

These three lessons inspired me to share my national youth service experience with Nigerian youths and with those who find it difficult to cope with government bureaucracy and the challenges of life.

A lot has been written about the upcoming February 14 presidential election, and most of the debate revolves around speculation. I already know my choice for the office of the president and it is based on personal experience, not fantasy or rumors. He might not be a perfect president; but he is a man that can listen and act;especially when approached with solutions to our national problems. However, my vote will go to the affable former deputy governor of Bayelsa State who believed in a youth corper and acted promptly to improve the health of the helpless.

 Onyeizu Chinedu

Views expressed are solely the author’s

7 Signs He’s Awesome In Bed

1. He clenches his hands and feet.

A physical sign that a guy is in complete ecstasy is if he’s clenching his hands and feet. When you see your guy doing this, take it as a sign he’s holding on for dear life, making sure that the encounter doesn’t end prematurely. After all, what you’re doing to him at the time might be just a little too good.

2. He wants to do it again right away.

When you’ve really blown his mind, he won’t be able to get enough. Just thinking about the sex you had will be so arousing that he’ll want to do it again. So, if he seems particularly virile, pat yourself on the back sister…you’re doing something right.

3. He remains really flirty afterwards.

Another sign that he can’t stop thinking about the sex you’ve had is if he stays heavily flirty afterwards. Many guys say that after an amazing time, they’ll send multiple saucy texts to their girl to show her how into her they are. And with the extra flirting, they’re building up anticipation for next time.

4. He’s very touchy feeling through out the day.

A guy who is into you will probably be touch feely (unless he’s really shy or completely opposed to PDA of course). A sign you’re having great sex is if he becomes even more touchy feely. Quite literally, he’s so aroused, he’s having a hard time keeping his hands to himself. While flirty texts may be his verbal reminder of how much he wants you, his constant touches are his physical reminder.

5. He tells you it was awesome.

This one is pretty obvious, but if a guy tells you you were amazing, he thinks you were amazing. He’s not saying it to be polite, he’s saying it to tell you to keep doing whatever you’re doing. Don’t brush off his compliments, take them to heart…you sex kitten!

6. It was great for you.

As the saying goes, “it takes two to tango.” If the sex felt awkward or uncomfortable to you, it probably felt that way to him too. If you thought it was hot and passionate, then guess what, he did too. Perhaps the easiest gauge of how good the sex is for him is how good the sex is for you.

7. He’s trying new moves. Most men are pretty competitive by nature. When the things you do are blowing him out of the water, he’s going to feel the need to put up a more impressive showing. If he starts pulling out moves you haven’t seen him do before, take it as a sign that he wants to please you as much as you’re pleasing him and is pulling out all the stops. And if his new moves aren’t pleasing you, do let him know. With good communication and guidance from you, he too can become a rock star in the bedroom.


Meet the Couple with a 57-Year Age Gap, “Has Nothing to do with his Fortune…”

A former playboy model has married a multi-multimillionaire who is 57 years her senior – but claims her decision it has nothing to do with his fortune.


German beauty Cathy Schmitz, 25, wed mega-rich 82-year-old lover Richard Lugner in the autumn – and has given up her telly career to live a life of luxury with him in his homeland of Vienna. The couple appeared on This Morning on Monday to defend their relationship ahead of a documentary about their age-gap airing on Wednesday night.

Filthy-rich Richard, who famously took Kim Kardashian to the Vienna ball last year and branded her ‘annoying’, is old enough to be Cathy’s grandfather, but insists the age gap doesn’t bother him. “We have to learn to be married,” Richard says.


6 Things Men Secretly Love About The Women In Their Lives

1. Her smiling and laughing at my good (or not-so-good) attempts at humor.

Echoing many similar comments, one guy confessed, “The way she laughs at my dumb jokes, she always manages to put a smile on my face.” Another wrote, “When I say something funny, I love seeing her smile and the way she laughs and giggles. Makes me wanna kiss her every time.”

2. Catching her looking at me in a loving way.

One man wrote, “When she looks at me and I catch her and she looks away really quick. Makes me melt and feel so wanted.” Seeing a girlfriend or wife secretly giving adoring looks was a definite turn-on for men, with one writing, “Her loving look toward me when she doesn’t know I see her is simply the best.”

3. Her acting shy and adorable, or doing something unique, such as the way she crinkles her nose, bites her lip or fidgets with her hair.

One guy wrote, “I love the way she twirls her hair when she gets nervous.” Other men wrote about loving the way their girlfriend gets shy or embarrassed, with several citing blushing as a big attraction. Men also wrote about very unique things they love about their partner. “The way she wears my shirts that are way too big for her, so they look like dresses,” wrote one. “Honestly I love it when she sneezes. She sounds like a kitten, it’s so adorable,” said another. Clearly, these men love their partners and their one-of-a-kind quirks.

4. Her getting aggressive with me, such as squeezing my butt, biting my lip when we kiss, and initiating sex.

On the aggressive theme, big hugs and hugs from behind are popular: “I love it when she surprises me with a big hug from behind,” wrote one. Aggressive kisses also made the list: “I love when she bites my neck and lip when she kisses me — a real turn-on,” said another. Not surprisingly, initiating sex — oral and otherwise — was also popular.

5. Playing with my hair or rubbing my shoulders or back.

Hair, shoulders and back were also popular with men. One man wrote, “I love the way she plays with my hair. That always drives me crazy.” And another wrote, “When she rubs my back and shoulders, that’s one of my favorite things in the world.”

6. When she wants to cuddle with me and nuzzles up closely to me.

Breaking wide open some manly stereotype, many men admitted they melted when their women wanted to cuddle with them. “I love the cute way she asks me to cuddle her before bed,” wrote one cuddle-friendly man. Another wrote, “My favorite thing is when she’s laying on my chest, trying to get as close as possible to me.”

There you are — six things that men secretly love about their girlfriends and wives. Which of these came as a surprise to you? Do you know what your man would say?

This topic was so popular that a number of women posted comments about how much they loved reading these. One woman wrote, “Aww, these are adorable. I wonder what my BF secretly loves about me.”

With so many responses from men and such strong interest from women, it almost begs the question as to why these need to be a secret. One man wrote, “Secretly? There are no secrets when she does good stuff — I let her know I like them so she’ll do them again.”


Am I Wrong? He is 45, I’m 21 & I Love Him

This is actually my friend’s dilemma. At first, we taught this guy… I mean man is too old for her. But all that changed when she fell in love with him. This man has actually shown my friend world class TLC and he is sincere because I have personally observed him.

I am 4 years older than my friend because she is among the lucky ones who thrived in school at a very tender age. She is very intelligent and we are currently serving together. She met her 45 year old boyfriend immediately after we graduated and the man has moved heaven and earth to prove to her that he is for real. He travels every weekend amid his busy schedule to see her and provides everything she needs.

He just proposed to her last week and she has accepted because she is also madly in love with him. Her only problem now is introducing him to her parents. She is scared if they will accept him and is also worried if accepting his proposal was the right decision. She asked me if he was too old for her and I could not answer her.

But come to think of it, is there anything wrong with marrying someone you truly love, who is also way too older than you?

Send your Life Experiences to

Kylie Jenner Pregnant?

Kylie Jenner is reportedly pregnant, with sources close to the Keeping Up With The Kardashians star saying she is expecting a child with her rapper boyfriend.

 A new report from In Touch Weekly claims that Kylie and boyfriend Tyga have been getting very serious, and that sources claim the 17-year-old may be pregnant. Kylie is eight years younger than Tyga, who is 25. This has many fingers pointing to mom Kris Jenner, who is famously involved in her daughters’ reality television careers.

Read More:

Flower Girl, Ring Bearer Walk Down Aisle Again as Bride & Groom

Briggs Fussy and Brittney Husbyn once served as ring bearer and flower girl at a Minnesota wedding — and two decades later they would walk down the aisle a second time. This past weekend, though, the 22-year-olds weren’t just presenting rings or tossing petals. They were the bride and groom.

In 1995, Fussy stood in as the ring bearer while Husbyn walked as the flower girl in his godmother’s wedding. “We were 3 years old, I think,” Fussy said. “It was my godmother’s wedding and Brittney’s mom worked with her. She needed a flower girl.”

The pair reunited in 2007. “Brittney and I met in high school when she sat in front of me in government class” Fussy told ABC News. “One day, she went home to ask her mom about me. I have a pretty unique name [Briggs], so that must of stuck out to her.”

Husbyn discovered that her classmate was, indeed, the boy she knew from the wedding years ago. “We were in class and she had a picture with her from the wedding,” Fussy said. “I started to laugh because it was the same one we had hanging in the hallway at home, but I never knew who she was. That wedding was the only time I ever saw her.”

Fussy and Husbyn, who were dating different people at the time, became a couple two years after their rendezvous. The pair went on to attend Mankapo State University together, where they still study today.

On Saturday, Jan. 10, Fussy and Husbyn married among 310 family and friends — all of whom continue to find the couple’s coincidence a pretty remarkable one.

“Everybody loves it — especially my godmother, she takes all the credit,” Fussy said. “It’s constantly brought up that we walked down the aisle together again.”

Since their story has gone public, the newlyweds have been reveling in the positive attention. “We never expected having all this popularity, but we’re enjoying it,” Fussy said. “We will definitely print out the articles and keep them around. I’ll show them to my kids.”


5 Reasons Having A Gay Husband Is Actually A Good Thing

1. Whatever works, works.

Just like being gay, bisexual, transgender, polyamourous, asexual, and all the rest of the spectrum of sexuality, if it works for a couple to have a mixed orientation marriage, then let it work. It’s their marriage and their relationship. How many of you would like someone getting into your bed and telling you how to live in your marriage?

2. There are two sides to every story.

Couples who find themselves in a mixed orientation marriage often feel victimized and repressed. When communication is open to discussing how each partner feels, there’s a higher likelihood that common ground might be found between them. Uncover the real story and you’ll also uncover the real answers to what you should do in this situation.

3. Determine the levels of desire.

As hard as it is to have this type of conversation, it’s critical to determine if this is a deep-seated sexual desire, or an emotional desire. The two are mutually exclusive and mutually dependent.

If the “gay” partner is seeking sexual satisfaction only, with no emotional attachment, then sexual exploration might be a space for the couple to venture together.

On the other hand, if there is emotional attachment and deeper connection to individuals of the same gender heightened by sex, then there’s a high probability you might be looking at a bisexual or gay partner. If that’s the case, then the onus rests on the partner struggling with their same-sex attractions to find themselves and come clean to their spouse.

4. Does wanting gay sex mean they’re gay?

Not necessarily. Sexual desires require many different paths in order for full satisfaction. It’s no different from the desire for the missionary position versus doggie style. One may desire a same-sex tryst from time to time to satisfy their sexual energy.

Provided the couple has open communication about their sexual requirements, then all that’s left to do is make it work.

5. What’s sex got to do with it?

As a society, we’ve become very sexually hung up. Sex is either a tool for procreation, a recreational sport, or a deviant behavior. Yet, it seems there is no room for “sex just isn’t my cup of tea.”

Often, mixed orientation marriages work because, for the heterosexual partner, sex is not a priority. Love, companionship, co-parenting, and social standing are the priority and sex is simply an option and/or obligation.

Ironically, those who’d like to throw stones at someone else’s marriage, especially those who’ve never stood in the shoes of a mixed orientation marriage, need to consider the following:

  • Sometimes people get married for the wrong reasons and it has nothing to do with one partner being gay or afraid of being themselves.
  • Marriages of all varieties fail and fall apart ALL the time. Get over it.
  • Sexual orientation is perhaps the straw that broke the camel’s back, but no one talks about all the other straws in a marriage that were also too heavy to carry.
  • Love does conquer all, even a spouse being gay.
  • You have the right to live in your marriage your way, just as much as someone else has a right to live in their marriage their way.

At the end of the day, the final word really is: there’s 50 shades of gray to almost everything in life, even marriage.


If Your Guy Does These Things, Congrats! You Found a Real Man

1. He is hygienic, but cleans his nails and trims his nose hairs outside of a nail salon.

2. He can balance both swag and sophistication and a career and a personal life without too many proverbial exclamation points (and certainly not multiple ones in a text message. No, no, no).

3. He reserves his “LOL” for actual laughter, which he exudes out loud and often.

4. He isn’t looking to play “pen pal” with you through your iPhone because he knows that all text and no play makes Johnny a very dull boy.

5. When he’s interested in a woman, he doesn’t wait three days to call her, but he does actually call her, and when he does, he asks her out for dinner, makes reservations, picks a great bottle of wine (because he knows how to) and then makes sure she gets home safely.

6. If he wants to see her again, he lets her know, and if he doesn’t, he politely lets her know that it was a pleasure to spend time with her, even if it wasn’t. He does, however, let her know gently and firmly enough that he’s not interested so that she doesn’t waste her time thinking it might become something it won’t.

7. He reads actual books and newspapers and holds opinions on everything from scotch pairings to world events all the while understanding that not all of his opinions are facts and that not everyone has to agree with him in order for him to maintain his relationships or his manhood. In fact, he enjoys it when you don’t agree with him because it means he gets to indulge you in a good debate or leave you thinking a little bit harder about things than when you sat down in front of him.

8. He opens doors and takes coats, not because he feels a woman is weak, but because he is strong enough to show that he cares about the comfort of those around him.

9. Sure, he might want to get into a woman’s bed, but he’s also interested in getting into her head as experience has shown him that seduction is a delicate dance and the man who resides in her mind has conquered every other part of her.

10. He appreciates a woman who shows she cares for him, but he isn’t interested in being courted. He enjoys taking the lead in courting and doesn’t need to be “chased” because he’s in desperate need of an ego stroke. He also won’t play “puppy dog” to a woman who takes advantage of this.

11. He doesn’t look to be anyone’s father or savior, and he doesn’t pretend to be the leading man in any woman’s fairy tale. He’s just a man looking for a partner who can slay her own dragons, pay her own bills and explore the world alongside him.

12. He looks for a woman who doesn’t need him, but wants him, not for money or the happiness or a baby or a safety net, but solely for who he is.

13. He has a career, a hobby, a family of close friends and a favorite way to have his steak prepared and he isn’t the least bit intimidated when the woman in front of him shares these qualities; quite the contrary, it makes him want her more.

14. He has taken the time to get to know himself and has a strong understanding of his own character and convictions, what he values and what he doesn’t. He is a man who is honest with himself about himself and therefore is OK being honest with those around him.

15. He takes as much pride in the way he treats women he’s with as he does his job and the way he looks.

16. He’s not the bad boy, a good boy, or a boy at all; he’s a man. A leading man, and he’s looking not for a good girl, but a great woman. One who shares all of the solid qualities that he brings to the table, and perhaps, can teach him something along the way. He’s willing to wait and work for this woman, to fight for her and will gladly hold out for her as long as he needs to. But when she comes along, he doesn’t sit on the fence; he’s smart enough to know when he’s gotten damned lucky. And when she finds him, she should be smart enough to know the same.


Important Facts About Marriage (Must Read)

These are facts regarding marriage posted by a facebook user:

1. The next worst thing outside death is a bad marriage.
2. The choice of whom you marry determines the course of your life.
3. A wedding cake is the only cake that can give you indigestion the rest of your life.
4. They say, ”Love is blind,” but marriage will open your eyes. Then you will know whether he snores heavily or she salivates in her sleep.
5. A successful marriage consists of God at the top, the man and woman answer to Him.
6. After the wedding, it is too late for regret.
7. Don’t tell me his wallet is fat; don’t say she greets my mum on her two knees……. Get God’s opinion first and make it your pillar.
8. Marriage is not for boys and girls.
9. Marriage is a lifetime contract; DO NOT RUSH.
10. It is better for people to laugh at you for marrying late than to be unable to laugh after your marriage. DEY NO DEY CANE OR PUNISH LATE COMER O.
11. The choice of whom you marry determines the totality of you.

4 Huge Mistakes I Made As A Wife- Ex Wife Reveals

1. I put my children first.
It’s easy to love your own children. It takes very little effort, and they adore you no matter what. Marriage is the polar opposite: it’s work. And whenever my marriage started to feel like work, I would check out and head to Build-A-Bear Workshop or the science museum with the kids in tow. I’d often plan these adventures when I knew my husband couldn’t go (and spoil my good time). I told myself it was OK because he preferred to work anyway and always seemed grouchy on family outings. I chose most nights to cuddle with them in our bed, blaming his late-night bedtimes and snoring for the sleeping arrangement. As a result, we were hardly alone together and never had kid-free date nights. Well, maybe once a year on our anniversary.

2. I didn’t set (or enforce) boundaries with my parents.
They were at our house frequently, sometimes arriving unannounced and walking right in. They’d “help out” around the house doing things we never asked them to, like folding our laundry (incorrectly, of course). We’d vacation with them. They’d correct our children in front of us. My own fears of upsetting my parents kept me from drawing a line in the sand and asking them not to cross it. The few times I did stand up for my family’s autonomy, I didn’t hold my parents to the same standards in future. My husband, quite literally, married my entire family.

3. I emasculated him.
I thought love was about honesty, but we all know that the truth hurts. As we grew more comfortable (read: lazy) in our relationship, I stopped trying to take the sting out it. I talked smack to my girlfriends, my mom, my co-workers. All. The. Time. “Can you believe he didn’t do this?” and “Why in God’s name did he do THAT?”

Instead of building up his ego, I trampled all over it. I belittled him often, saying his job was unimportant and dismissing his friends as “hangers-on.” I berated him for doing things wrong when, in all honesty, he just wasn’t doing them my way. At times I spoke to him like a child. I controlled the family finances and grilled him over every single penny he spent. And in the bedroom — yup, you guessed it — he was doing that all wrong too, and I wasn’t shy about telling him so. As our marriage crumbled, I found myself constantly looking for faults and mistakes so that I could justify my superiority. By the end, I had zero respect for him and I made sure he knew it and felt it every day.

4. I didn’t bother to learn to fight the right way.
I know it sounds odd to suggest there is a right way to fight. But there is. I tended to keep the peace in our house by keeping my mouth shut when things were really bothering me. As you can imagine, all the small things that drove me crazy grew into a giant suppressed ball of anger that would erupt occasionally in a huge, really frightening fit of Hulk-like rage. And by rage, I mean rage in the clinical, mental-health definition kind of way. After the fact, I’d justify my anger by saying that a woman can only take so much. Looking back, I was one scary b*tch during those episodes.

I write this mea culpa not with the hopes of winning my ex back, or even wanting his forgiveness. I write this because I can’t believe how long I kept my head buried in the sand. I hope other women out there will yank theirs out and take a good look around. And while I’m still hurt that my husband chose to solve our problems in another woman’s bed when some conversation and counseling might have helped, I absolutely know that my behavior was part of what pushed him there.


If Your Guy Does These 5 Things, DON’T Marry Him!

1. He gets violent, even if he doesn’t hit you. 

You may think this is a no-brainer but honestly it isn’t. Most women I know who’ve been in abusive relationships have immense strength, only to shut down in the presence of her partner’s anger and violence. As a strong woman myself, I froze when a guy I’d been dating went into a rage one night, throwing things, damaging property and calling me names. I knew it was a deal breaker because even though he didn’t put his hands on me, he scared me. No healthy relationship can be built off a foundation of fear because you never know when his actions may escalate.

2. He cheats. 

Many people will say this point is debatable because lots of couples who have fidelity issues repair their relationship and end up in a better than where they were pre-cheating. But it’s not the act of cheating that’s the deal breaker here; it’s the disrespect, broken trust and significant risk to your health. (Hello, STDS!) With all the risks that hang in the balance for just a tiny bit of pleasure, it’s entirely inconsiderate and selfish when a man cheats on you. Do you want someone who puts his wants before your needs, like security and trust? I don’t which is why I’ve said BYE to cheating men.

3. He doesn’t claim or proclaim you.

Many women will spend time in limbo-like relationships with guys who won’t give them the girlfriend title. Here’s the truth: If you’ve been dating a man for longer than six to nine months and he’s hasn’t made you an official part of his life, it’s time to MOVE ON. Stop making excuses for why things aren’t progressing to the next level; you’ll only waste time and your time is worth more than that. These days, I don’t settle for less because I don’t want a man who makes you a bargain-bin find. If he knows your worth, he’ll claim and proclaim you and there will be few conversations about how ‘he isn’t ready.’

4. He suffers from addiction.

There are plenty of honor badges to be earned by standing by your man when he’s fallen on hard times. But CAUTION if you stick with a man fighting demons, namely addiction. Addiction can range from less-severe, like cigarettes, to major issues such as drug, alcohol and sex. Someone who suffers from an addiction will do anything — and I mean anything — to get their fix, even at the expense of those they love. So unless you’d like to be second to whatever vices he has, it may be time to ‘leave smoke.’

5. He gaslights you.

We’ve spoken about gas-lighting, which is the manipulative act of someone attempting to change your memory or perception of events in their favor, making you feel crazy or like you’ve forgotten something. But when is gas-lighting a deal breaker, you ask? The answer is when it happens! A man who resorts to manipulative tactics to have his way or ‘win’ an argument will continue to play mind games and be dishonest with you. When I experienced gas-lighting in my relationships, I felt crazy and my self-esteem plummeted until I understood the game that was being played. Take advantage of the situation and leave immediately — it’s the best thing you can do for yourself.

Credit: Yahoo

Seven Steps to Finding True Love

Step 1: Envision your ideal mate
You’ve got to know what it is you want before you “put it out there to the universe,” so spend some time honestly evaluating your marriage, past relationships and any crushes you may have had along the way. This will help you figure out the must-have qualities in a good partner for you. “Writing those traits down helps keep you focused,” says Harrell. “State clearly what you do want (“He/She is loyal”), not what you don’t (“My partner won’t cheat”).

Step 2: Tackle your own insecurities about dating and relationships
If you try to meet someone great while you’re still grappling with self-doubt, any minor setback could be interpreted as further “proof” that you’re not cut out for dating. But by taking responsibility for whatever emotional work you still need to do after the end of a relationship, you’re able to experience each new person on his or her own merits. This is much better than unrealistically expecting a new partner to “fix” what’s missing in your life.

Step 3: Focus only on the good things after each date
Not every attempt at romance is going to work out, but you can put even the worst dates to work for you in a positive way. “At least 90% of the time, you can say at least one positive thing about a date… find something that you liked about it,” says Lori Gorshow, a dating coach. “Maybe she had amazing eyes or you like how he really listened. Use that information to better know what you’re looking for in a long-term partner.”

Step 4: Convince yourself that you’re worthy of lasting love
Of course, finding the right person won’t do much good if you don’t believe you’re worthy of having him or her as your eventual spouse. You can break those old self-doubting habits by creating a personal mantra worth repeating to yourself regularly. Your affirmation can be anything you say to yourself in the present tense that’s simple, concise, and positive (think: “I have a healthy, loving relationship,” or “I’m a beautiful person worth loving”).

Step 5: Be picky about the people whom you choose to date
Your list of “must-haves” may seem like it’s decimating your field of potential mates, but really, it’s only weeding out the misfires. “When people are hurt, they sometimes think they have to take advantage of any opportunity available,” says Gorshow. “But at a certain point, you’re just wasting your own time.” A dating checklist empowers you to screen for red flags and move on when you see them instead of spending more time on each person “just in case” there’s potential.

Step 6: Let your positive self-image shine through on dates
A good attitude isn’t just the key to finding more dates — demonstrating the right outlook can also ensure you keep other quality singles interested in taking things to the next level. “People are generally more attracted to someone with a positive attitude than a negative person,” says Harrell. So when you’re out with a new love interest, be sure to talk about the things you truly love and that make you light up (i.e., your favorite hobbies, a trip you took recently with friends) rather than dwelling on unpleasant subjects (like why you’re still single, or how rude your waiter is being to you both tonight).

Step 7: Have an outlet for dealing with day-to-day stress
You’ll stay more positive about dating when you are able to keep your life’s everyday stressors in perspective. “Have a routine that helps you deal with stress, whether it’s exercise, sports, spa treatments, or mantras,” advises Riche. “Find something that feeds your soul and quiets your mind and do it regularly, not just when there’s something stressful going on.”


Miley Cyrus… Pregnant

Miley Cyrus is reportedly pregnant and preparing to become a mom at 22 with new boyfriend Patrick Schwarzenegger.

 A source indicated that Miley Cyrus found out she is pregnant close to a month ago, though she has kept the news as private as possible.

“In late October, she mentioned that her period was late,” a source told Life & Style. “She took two pregnancy tests. One came back negative — and the other came back positive. Friends are convinced she’s in the early stages of pregnancy.”

The pop star has been dating Schwarzenegger — the son of Arnold and Maria Shriver — for a little while now. Sources say they have actually been dating for several months before going public with their relationship.

If Miley Cyrus is pregnant, she appears to be getting a lot of support from her new boyfriend. Miley and Patrick were spotted at a friend’s wedding getting close in a photo booth, with Patrick even playfully licking Miley. Sources say that Patrick Schwarzenegger has also turned his skeptical parents on to the idea of him getting serious with Miley.

“Patrick has done a marvelous job in turning Maria from being violently opposed to now saying she’s a sweet girl and she was really mistaken from not knowing her and only knowing about her from her press,” a source said.



Signs He/She is the “One”

1. He/She tells you things you don’t tell anyone else:

This goes beyond random talks. If there is a desire to share intimate details about your lives; this means you both trust each other, which implies a major component of successful long-term love.

2. He/She lets you see his/her weak moments:

It’s easy to be happy with someone when you’re feeling good about life. But what about when you’re not doing so well? Do you want to see her when you’ve been denied a raise, or your cat died or you had a plain old bad day? She/He should be a comfort during tough times, not a burden.

3. Respect:

You don’t want to change the essence of who he/she is. There may be stuff that irritates you in everyday life, but you accommodate and respect what they like, eat, watch and often do.

4. He/She wants you to meet his/her parents:

You feel proud of him/her and you want to show him/her off—as opposed to feeling like you have to make excuses for him/her.

5. You can imagine a future together:

You don’t have to practice writing your first name with his last name, but do you periodically let your mind wander to picture a life together? Is it amazing? You mostly discuss about the kind of house you want or probably how many kids you would like to have, without deliberately planning to discuss it.

6. You’re not afraid to argue:

You know that even if you fight, he’ll/she’ll listen to you and won’t brush you off. He/she takes you seriously, even when he/she thinks you’re wrong.

7. You want to work out your major difference

 If you do have crucial differences that will impact your future together—different opinions about religion, money or something else—you want to work them out with him, and you believe you can come to a conclusion that will satisfy both of you.

8. You laugh together:

Laughter is one of life’s simplest pleasures—you should definitely be able to crack each other up.

9. Incredibly attracted to each other:

Physical chemistry is an undeniably important ingredient in a healthy relationship. And if she’s/he’s not a  your usual “type”, that’s even more reason to think she’s/he’s the one.

10. It’s OK to be quiet around each other:

You don’t feel like you have to fill the space between you with chatter or other interaction. Instead, you feel an easy comfort.

11. You feel like yourself around each other:

You don’t feel like you have to edit your thoughts; you’re not self-conscious or anxious.

12. You long for each other:

You long for him/her—but not too much. Some neediness is good but too much breeds discontent.

13. You don’t feel too jealous:

You’re comfortable with him going out with his friends—even the opposite sex. You let each other have your own lives and hobbies.

14. You feel like she/he makes you a better person:

She/he makes you feel smart, funny, attractive, creative—like the best version of yourself. You feel like she brings out and complements the best parts of you.

15. She just gets you:

Sometimes it’s that easy. You feel like she/he understands some essential part of you that you can’t explain or articulate. It’s a warm, comfortable feeling—and one you should have with the person you marry.

16. Honest discussions on sex:

When you find yourselves honestly talking about your bodies and sexuality, then you both almost have nothing to hide from each other. Talks about sex positions, whether or not to accommodate oral sex or other forms of sex is an indication you are considering settling down.

Questions You Must Ask Each Other Before You Marry

It is important for couples considering settling down to sit together and answer these relevant questions to each other before they approach the aisle to avoid a failed marriage, considering the fact that both individuals will be living together… forever.

  • Do you want to have children, and if so, when? How many?
  • How important is religion to you? Could you survive in household where there are two different, perhaps disparate views on religion?
  • Are you gonna eat that?
  • How close will we be to your parents?
  • Do you like my friends? Do you expect me to hang out with your friends often?
  • How will we divide up money? How will we tackle debt? How will we decide what to save?
  • How important is equality in a marriage?
  • How will we divide household chores?
  • Are we able to openly talk about our sexual needs and preferences?
  • Do you see us traveling often?
  • Where will we spend the holidays?
  • Can I go through your phone often?
  • Where do you want to settle down? Where do you want to retire?
  • How much affection do you require in a given day?
  • Why do you trust me?!
  • Do you like animals? Do you want a pet?

How to Clear Common Relationship Hurdles

They say that the most common relationship stumbling blocks occur when men and women don’t respond to each other properly, which can be remedied by educating yourself on how the opposite sex really operates. Need help? In the following Q&A session, we got the goods from them on what makes both men and women truly tick — and how to break the breakup cycle for good.

Q: In what ways are men “stupid” that women just don’t get? How can women use this knowledge to prevent dating dissonance?

Morris: Women don’t understand that a man’s physical makeup doesn’t allow for some thoughts to sink in the way they’d expect. There are certain things men’s brains actually can’t break down, much like the way some people can’t digest milk products. Now you can call that “stupid” if you must, but it’s a legitimate physical difference. A woman on a date with a man must realize that his brain is built in such a way that prevents him from understanding certain things, and she must alter her way of speaking, just as you would when talking to a baby. Speak loudly and clearly while avoiding big words.

Lee: Try your best not to expend too much energy analyzing every little thing a man does or doesn’t do. Guys do not think the same way we do, and half the time they don’t even know whythey do the things that they do. So when the guy says, “I had fun, we should do it again,” it doesn’t mean that he definitely wants to see you again. Sometimes they say such things because the end of a date is awkward. He’ll call if he’s supposed to call you. Think more about what you want. Do you even want him to call you again? Did you have fun with him? Take back the power in this situation and don’t sweat it. You deserve a man who will call when he says he’s going to call; if he doesn’t call you…move on.

Q: In what ways are women sometimes a bit crazy that men just cannot understand? How can men use this knowledge to keep their romantic relationships going strong?

Morris: Basically, women can be crazy about anything, so a man must be prepared to be continually caught off guard by women’s behavior.

Lee: Women actually take to heart everything you say — especially at the end of a date! We really will worry, agonize and discuss exactly what words you say to us at the end of the evening endlessly with our friends. So, be a good guy and don’t say you’re going to call if you’re not. It’s better to be honest. She may not be thrilled at the moment, but she’ll be better off in the long run because she won’t have to go crazy later trying to figure out whether she’ll ever hear from you again. Being an honest, good guy will likely spare you from having to deal with a “crazy” woman wondering why you said you’d call, then didn’t.

Q: What are some annoying things women always seem to do, and how can men handle them when these behaviors come out?

Morris: Calling a man stupid. Yes, we admit that we can be, OK? Most of us know it — or the smart ones do, at least. But calling a man “stupid” makes him feel just as bad as women feel when they get called “crazy.” So, to sum up: don’t do it.

Lee: Some women have a habit of discussing their problems with men exclusively with their female friends, because they assume that men won’t understand or don’t care. You need to give the man in your life the benefit of the doubt sometimes; maybe there’s been a misunderstanding, or maybe if he knew that what he was doing was bothering you, he wouldn’t do it anymore. Sure, it makes you feel better to vent to your friends about your guy, but it will not solve any problems. You can only do that by working together, and you can’t fault him for the things you don’t choose to discuss with him.

Q: Why do women ask questions they don’t really want answered — like “Do I look fat in this?” How should men respond in order to avoid having an argument?

Morris: They may not do it on purpose, but asking a man questions they don’t really want to have answered is something of a sport for women. Women think: I’m going to toss him this question and see how he handles it. Try to look at this kind of question from her point of view, and then figure out the subtext. Questions like this (for the most part) are really just requests for reassurance, so reassure her already!

Lee: Sometimes we’re just expressing our fears and what’s on our mind and we pose those thoughts in the form of a question so it seems less threatening. So when a woman asks you, “Do I look fat?” it’s because she needs reassurance that she still looks good because she’s feeling fat. In cases like that, you to say: “No baby, you look great.” Trust me — there is NO OTHER answer to that question. And women should answer the same way when men ask, “Do you think I’m losing my hair?”

Q: You say that the subject of romance is a common relationship pitfall — specifically, that women want more of it, yet men aren’t very good at being romantic. Why is this?

Morris: Men don’t have the same romantic needs that women have. To us, romance is epitomized by that woman who puts on the football jersey and sits next to us during a game. The essence of romance for women, however, means totally putting your own needs aside as a man for the needs of the woman in your life — and doing it with a bit of style, panache and perhaps a flower or two. We can’t necessarily nail it every time, but there’s no excuse for not trying. Just making an effort goes a long way with women.

Lee: If you want my honest answer, I think most men are bad at it because men can be more selfish then women are in relationships. It’s harder for men to look past their own needs to do something that is totally and completely beneficial solely for the woman. Romance is all about the woman; that’s why ladies crave it, like it, and will continue to desire it throughout the relationship. And I won’t apologize for wanting it — ever. Life can be hard and dreary at times, and everyone needs a little bit of special treatment every now and then. Women don’t need it allthe time, but occasionally, it would be nice!

Q: You say that first dates often reveal ultra-important information that, if ignored, can cause relationship drama later on. How, then, do you recommend approaching first dates?

Morris: A funny thing happens on first dates: people tend to tell the truth about themselves. You just have to listen when they do. For example: She might not come right out and say, “Hi, I’m a controlling bitch,” but there’s usually plenty of evidence that she will be if you are paying attention. Consider Woody Allen’s first date with Mia Farrow; he told her he hated children and wanted nothing to do with them right away. She, of course, decided he just needed the love of a good child to change him, and, well…we all know how that turned out. Paying careful attention during first dates can save you both a lot of pain down the road.

Lee: I agree with Howard, but also believe that people are too quick to write off a disappointing first date. Even if your first date wasn’t magic, it doesn’t mean that your second date won’t be better. Sure, if the date is a full-fledged disaster, then you should be done with the man or woman in question. But if the date was just OK, not terrible, then maybe it’s worth another shot. That guy might not be as boring as you think, ladies; maybe he just needs to relax a little before he tells you about the island that he owns with a castle on it that has 22 closets in it. And who knows, the second date or the third may be the one you’ve been waiting for your whole life… are you willing to risk it?


Daughter of Lesbians Finds God

Mom was a Jehovah’s Witness for some time before she met Millie when I was two. Of course Mom was excommunicated when it was revealed that she was with a woman. Esas cosas were not permitted. See, they believe(d) that God created Adam and Eve to procreate and “be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth.”

It wasn’t until fifth grade that I realized how different my family was. We told everyone Millie was our aunt though I knew she wasn’t mom’s sister. I was in the cafeteria working as a lunch monitor, a task given to a select few fourth and fifth graders.

“Her mother’s a butch, yo!” said the fat girl with glasses so thick they made her look bug-eyed. Get outta here! Her mom’s a lesbo? Yuk!” The twig-legged, freckle faced fourth grader pretended to hurl all over her lunch tray. I turned to them, confused. “Butch don’t mean lesbian!”

“Yes it does, stupid. What do you think it means?” sneered the fat girl. I imagined pushing a hot needle into her bellybutton, sending her ballooning into the ceiling. I stared down at the cold cafeteria food. Seconds earlier all I’d wanted in life was to take a bite of that pepperoni pizza, but I’d lost my appetite.

It was all good until I started to question. I hadn’t admitted to anyone that my moms were in a lesbian relationship, so when we started talking about love and relationships, I asked, “What does the Bible say about love between women?”

Caroline raised her eyebrows. “The bible says we should all love one another.” I pushed. “But what does the Bible say about women that love each other, you know, like a man and woman love each other.”

“Well…” Caroline wasn’t looking at me then. She was looking around our small living room, at the pictures on the walls, pictures of my family–me and Millie and my sister and brother and my mom. Pictures that stared back. “The Bible says that’s wrong. It’s a sin.” For homework she had me read the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. That’s when I started to rebel.

See, the one who loved me, who showed me tenderness, who held me up, who whispered in my ear “you’re gonna be somebody,” was Millie. She was the one who proclaimed herself a butch. She wore men’s dress pants and jeans. Men’s polo shirts and guayaberas. Men’s shoes from Fabco. And, according to what Caroline told me and had me read, the bible said she was living in sin and was going to be banished. That God did not approve of her lifestyle. That God said it was an abomination.

I didn’t understand. How could God consider her sinful? Why would God bring her into my life to care for me, save me, if she was devilish in her ways?

I started questioning everything Caroline said. If she tried to teach me another portion of the Bible, I went back to Sodom and Gomorrah. Demanded that she explain, that she show me proof. When she showed me the specific scriptures that railed against homosexuality, I shook my head and said, “I don’t believe it. Love is love.”

“Well, Vanessa, the Bible says… The word of God says…”

Then one day, frustrated and hurt, I said, “Well, who wrote the Bible and who says God told them to write it?”

Caroline looked at me, her eyes sad, resigned. Without another word, she packed her things and left. She never came back. Mom beat me that night. She didn’t say why but I knew.

Credit: Huffington Post

He Left me After Kidney Donation…

This actually happened to someone who is really close to my friend. My friend told me of how a young working class lady catered for her boyfriend till he secured a job and went as far as donating her kidney to him when he was ailing.

She said the lady transported herself to India for the operation because the guy could not pay for her flight tickets. After the successful kidney transplant, they both travelled back to Nigeria and he went back to his station of work.

My friend said the guy is now preparing to marry another woman on the grounds that he cannot live with his initial girlfriend because she was too bossy and dominating. Is this fair??? So he did not know that while she was giving him her money and kidney. I felt I should share the story so ladies will learn and be wise so that all these wickedness men do to us will stop!!!

Send your Life Experiences and Stories to

How to Exit the Friend Zone (For Guys)

First, you must admit that you  have been friend zoned and being friend zoned implies that she calls you when there is no other available option and of course, when you are the shoulder to cry on.

If you find yourself under these categories, then we can talk on how to leave that zone. Now there are many options for exiting the friend zone, but we are giving you just one way out, also considered as the easiest way out.


These girls know you are into them and that is why they keep using you like a donkey without any remorse. My brother, ask all the Mr. Nice Guys and they will tell you that the other bad guy won her.

But it all depends on what you want. If you want to be used for the rest of life, then keep picking the calls when she is stuck in club and needs someone to drive her back home. Continue giving her audience when she comes crying about how the other guy is hurting her or even worse, keep buying her shawarma and pizza, because she will never stop asking. Some go as far as accepting booty calls and she forgets you as soon as she makes up with her main man.

You have two options, stop that mediocre friendship or be a man and take the bull by the horn by telling her it is either a relationship or nothing!

How to Know He is Flirting with You

There are a few proven ways that can tell you if he is interested in you. While it’s difficult to read body language at times, it’s possible if you know where to start.

1. A lovely smile is actually a good sign and, when it comes to flirting, it’s one of the surest signs he is interested in you. If you notice that he is smiling at you, there’s a good chance he likes you and wants to approach you. Maybe he is shy, so why not show him your confidence and courage by approaching him first? Of course, if you like him. After all, there is nothing to be ashamed of if you approach a man first. Just smile back, initiate a conversation with him and don’t try to play hard to get. Playing hard to get is a great boost, but often it’s a big turn off for guys.

2. Eye contact is important during communication and we need to use this form of body language as often as we can. Depending on how long a man holds an eye contact with you, you can find out whether or not he likes you. If he holds an eye contact with you for longer than an average person, it might be a sign he is interested in you. We all make an eye contact when flirting, right? It’s the same for guys. If a guy holds a short eye contact, he might also flirt with you, he is just a bit shy.

3. If he stands with his hands on the hips or places the thumbs in the belt loops, he might be interested in you. This way, he is trying to show you he is a confident man and simply true macho. I personally don’t like when guys use this way while flirting with girls, but still it’s one of the signs he is flirting with you.

4. Do you fidget when you are around the guy you like? I’m pretty sure you do and it’s okay. You are just nervous and it’s actually a good nervous. It’s all about expectation since you don’t know whether or not he is interested in you. If you see him fidgeting, this is because he’s interested in you and he is a bit nervous to start conversation with you.

Read More:


He Dumped me After the Abortions…

I’m publishing my story (hoping it gets published), not because I need anyone’s advice. I just want my story to serve as a lesson to other young girls out there.

I dated this wicked animal since our secondary school days. Everybody in school back then knew us to be sweethearts. I even refused to do my first degree abroad because I wanted to attend the same Federal University he attended. He convinced me not to school abroad and told me to stay back in Nigeria so we could get married after we graduate.

I lost my virginity to him in my first year in the University after several failed attempts to deflower me in secondary school. He did not use protection the first time we had sex and I barely knew anything about my menstrual cycle, talkless of knowing when I was safe; so I got pregnant. I knew I was pregnant when I missed my period and I told him and he convinced me to abort it because he wasn’t ready financially to take care of the baby and we terminated the pregnancy.

I vowed never to have sex again till he convinced me otherwise the second time and promised to use protection. To cut the long story short, he began sleeping with other girls and told me it is because I deprived him of natural pleasure and that I should know my circle as a grown woman. I felt challenged and wanted to keep my man and prove to those campus girls that I was a grown woman.

Unfortunately, I got pregnant several times and we kept terminating them. I even got pregnant in camp while we were serving and I aborted that one without his knowledge.

We even worked in the same PPA and he was eventually retained, while I went back home because I couldn’t get a job and my parents will not allow me live elsewhere. We continued dating and I lied most times to my parents, in the name of interviews to go stay with him for a while, till my parents decided that I should go abroad to do my masters since no job was forth coming. He then gave me a secret engagement ring and promised that we will marry after my masters.

Three months into my studies in the UK, I saw his pre- wedding photos all over social media. That was when he stopped picking my phone calls. He also blocked me on skype and other social media platforms.

I decided to confide in his best friend and he told me that my boyfriend told him that we quit the relationship since I was leaving the for the UK and that he is grateful for the break up because I have had too many abortions and might not give him children if we married.

I have not been able to recover from the shock and devastation, because he is happily married now with a kid, but I have asked God to forgive me and repay him exactly the way he treated me.

My advice to young girls is this; do not allow anyone to rob you of your innocence in the name of love. I learnt the hard way and it is still haunting me till date. Be wise and abstain from sex till after your marriage.


Send your Stories and Personal Experiences to

Kindly attach your story on microsoft word before sending mail… 


How to get Him to Date You…

Ever wonder what that woman — the one who’s always surrounded by men and who lands dates left and right — has that you don’t? We did, too, so we polled man-magnets around the country for their tried-and-true tips for attracting men. Below, read their secrets on getting — and keeping — the guy:

Bring the “A” team
“If I go out with the intention of meeting guys, I never go out with more than two girlfriends. In my opinion, there’s nothing more annoying to guys (at least, the ones looking for something other than a fling) than a gaggle of giggling girls. I make sure that the friends I go out with are great wing-women — attractive friends who I can count on to be up for a good, drama-free evening — whether we meet guys or not. Whenever I go out with this type of group, the guys are drawn to us like flies to honey. There’s something really alluring to guys about a small group of cool, confident, classy women.”

Learn how to relax
“Here’s my one rule: Don’t be totally focused on ‘getting the guy.’ I think that scares them off! Be happy with your own life, be busy with it, and think of a guy as the icing on the cake — not vital, but a nice bonus. Guys pick up on this laid-back attitude and don’t feel as if you want or need anything from them… and then they’re interested!”

Laughter is the best medicine
“It’s always been my theory that guys love when you laugh at their jokes — or just simply act as if they’re the funniest people on Earth. It boosts their confidence, and what guy doesn’t want to be around a woman who makes him feel good? There’s no need to be completely fake about it — just laugh as genuinely as you can when the guy you’re into is clearly looking for laughs, and encourage him to keep going if it seems like he’s on a roll. You’ll be amazed how quickly it will endear guys to you!”

Keep up appearances
“I grew up in the South, where women always take the time to look their best. Even though I live up North now, I haven’t changed my habits. I rarely leave the house — even to go to the gym — without wearing a cute outfit, perfume, makeup and with my hair looking good, and I always keep a loaded cosmetics bag in my purse. I really think guys — especially the ones where I live — appreciate it when a woman looks put together and smells nice. Even when I’m seriously dating someone, I never let my commitment to looking good slide, even as we get comfortable in our relationship.”

Let him do all the chasing
“For me, my version of playing ‘hard to get’ always works. Here’s how I do it: I always make sure that even if I am head-over-heels into a guy, I never let him know — even the slightest bit — that I am. If he calls me, I’ll wait at least three days before calling him back, and when I’m around him, I always act very nonchalant and make sure I talk to others as much as I talk to him. Lastly, I never spill my feelings until at least two weeks after he spills his. I think this leaves a guy always wanting more, and makes him feel like ‘getting’ me is a challenge. Guys like competition and to win, so it’s almost like a game!”

Cast a wide net
“You have to get out there and always go to new places — be they classes, clubs, charity groups. You need new dating pools to meet new guys. If you were looking for a job, you wouldn’t apply over and over again at just one company, right? Same goes with meeting men. Mix up your routine and don’t let it stagnate. There are lots of guys out there, and the more you meet, the more likely you are to find good relationship material.”

Be a good sport
“I have three older brothers — all of whom were huge jocks — so I know about sports just about as much as any guy, and I actually genuinely love watching games. I think guys love when a girl can talk about their favorite team or knowledgeably tease them about why her favorite team is superior. The key to using sports knowledge to impress guys is to not be ‘one of the guys’ when you do it — no guy wants to date someone that could just as easily be one of his male friends. Instead, be a feminine, sexy woman who loves sports and shows up in a hot outfit — not wearing a jersey with your face painted! If you’re clueless when it comes to sports, get one of your guy friends to teach you — pronto!”


He said “My Packaging is Awful”

Hi. I have been in this relationship for a while now and the guy is quite caring and loving.

But we have been having issues lately and he keeps complaining of how I look. He says he spend a lot of money to buy me the best cloths and trending hair but I still end up looking trashy.

I know I look good when I look at the mirror and I watch style network a lot to know what’s in vogue, so I know I am trying. But that hasn’t stopped the complainings. He keeps saying he wants me to look like this other lady or that other lady and I got fed up.

I told him I could not take it anymore because if he can’t love me as I am, then we should break up. He then told me to go ahead and do what pleases me and that he would bet that no man on earth will ever consider dating me because my packaging is awful.

I have been feeling terrible that this guy I’v come a long way with would say a thing like that and I am also scared of the fact that he might be right. It is hard to get a guy that buys things for you and I’m wondering if I’ll find another if I break up with him.

He Shared my Nudes with his Friends

Please I really need help here and not criticisms. Everybody has his or her own opinions about sharing nude photos with your lover. I never had any opposing opinion about it and I have never done it, till my boyfriend convinced me to send him just one single nude pix. He begged and begged for it till I sent one.

My friend who happens to be dating his best friend confronted me, asking why I sent my nude pix to her boyfriend and said she was disappointed at the fact that I could even strip and take a photo. I explained everything to her and she believed me because we have known each other for a while and we have almost exact characters.

She later confronted her boyfriend who said his friend sent it to his phone and she told me. Now my boyfriend is saying he never sent any nude pix to anyone. He denied to the extent that I felt bad for accusing him.

Right now, my friend and I have been trying to pin them down together so they can say it to each others’ faces because they both have been avoiding being at the same place with us and have been keeping their phones away from us so we can not check whether the picture was sent through email and confirm the sender.

As if that predicament wasn’t enough, another person (a male friend), who works in the same office with my boyfriend called me and asked me why I did a thing like that. He said he hasn’t seen the photo yet but heard side talks about my nudes in the office. People are already saying nudes when it is only one photo.

I am terrified that this would go viral. Right now I am not talking to my boyfriend and he said he won’t beg me for what he did not do. I am just so confused and really don’t know how to handle this.


Send your stories and life experiences to

Man Who Has Been Saving Up For The Perfect Proposal Since He Was 12

1 wedding_proposal_0_1414076085

For some guys, a low-key proposal on the beach or at the end of a fancy dinner would do just fine. But not for a romantic guy like Levy, who has been putting money into his proposal piggy bank since he was 12 years old.

When he popped the question to Tiffany — his long-distance girlfriend of more than three years — on October 14, videography company Candlelight Films was there to capture all the romance.

Levy spent the last 17 months planning a scavenger hunt proposal. And when we say he pulled out all the stops, we mean it. He got her parents and all of her best friends together for the occasion, which included manicures, a limo ride and a shopping trip for a special dress.

The scavenger hunt eventually led her to the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, California where the couple first met. See how the rest of the dreamy proposal unfolds in the video below.

Click Here to Watch 

First Seen on: Elite Daily

5 Ways To Tell If Someone Is Cheating On You

Ever wonder if your significant other isn’t being entirely truthful? Unfortunately, there’s a good chance you’re right. It’s perfectly normal to lie.

In a study of undergrads, 60% of participants lied at least once during a 10-minute casual conversation with a stranger. But suppose that fibbing extended to important matters, like fidelity, and important people — like a significant other.

Science can’t tell you if your partner is sleeping around, but recent research has shown we can often detect when someone is hiding something.

Here are five ways to tell if your partner may be keeping something important from you.

1. Ask a friend.

Other people — strangers, even — have an uncanny ability to detect when something’s just not right in someone else’s relationship.

Brigham Young University psychologists tested out this idea in a lab. They had couples partake in a collaborative activity in which they were supposed to draw an object. Before the activity, the scientists had the couples answer questions privately about the relationship, including whether or not they had cheated. Then, they blindfolded one participant — the designated artist — and had the other partner gave him or her directions on what to draw. The researchers videotaped the activity and later showed the footage to another group of volunteers who didn’t know the couples.

The volunteers were frequently able to tell which of the couples included a partner who had cheated. (Their guesses were not right all the time, but more often than chance.)

While additional research is needed to corroborate this preliminary result, the work suggests that an outsider who observes a couple doing something that requires working together, like cooking or planning an event, may be able to detect infidelity or unhappiness.

“People make remarkably accurate judgments about others in a variety of situations after just a brief exposure to their behavior,” wrote the researchers in the study.

2. Mull it over while doing something else.

People are generally bad judges of character — consciously, at least. When we are given time to process another person’s actions subconsciously, however, we are far better at telling truth from deceit.

In 2013, a team of psychologists had a panel of student judges watch people give testimony and decide if they had been lying. The students who were given time to think before they made a decision — so long as they were made to think about something other than the case they were assessing — were better at figuring out whether the person they were judging had been lying.

“These findings suggest that the human mind is not unfit to distinguish between truth and deception,” write the researchers in the study, “but that this ability resides in previously overlooked processes.”

3. Listen to their voice.

Canadian researchers recently had a group of volunteers listen to a pair of voices and rate how attractive each speaker sounded. Then, the researchers asked them to judge how likely each person would be to cheat in a romantic relationship. While the female volunteers were most likely to say the men with lower-pitched voices would cheat, the men typically guessed that the women with higher-pitched voices would cheat.

Men with more testosterone tend to have deeper voices, and women with more estrogen tend to have higher-pitched speech. And as it turns out, higher levels of testosterone in men have been linked with higher rates of cheating — though the jury is still out on whether there is any such association in women.

The researchers have yet to link their findings with actual observed behavior, but they say the study’s results make evolutionary sense. Hypothetically speaking, a preference for higher voices in women and lower voices in men might “allow us to choose a mate that is likely to stick around and have children, and not do so with other people,” McMaster University psychologist Jillian O’Connor told LiveScience.

4. Pay attention to social media use.

Does your partner spend more time tweeting than talking to you? Recent research suggests that people who are highly active on Facebook and Twitter are more likely to have social-media-related conflict, and subsequently more likely to experience “infidelity, breakup, and divorce.”

In his study, University of Missouri researcher Russell Clayton looked the social media habits of close to 600 Twitter users. The average person used Twitter close to an hour a day, five days a week. Those who tweeted, responded to tweets, or scanned their Twitter feed more often than that were more likely to get in arguments with their partners, and also more likely to divorce or cheat. The more time they spent on Twitter, the worse relationship outcomes Clayton observed.

It’s unlikely that too much tweeting, posting and liking caused other people to cheat, but there is certainly a connection between the two behaviors.

5. Watch for sudden changes in behavior.

If you’ve been with your significant other for a while, chances are you know how they normally act — what type of foods they eat, how they react to challenges or surprises, how well they listen, etc.

Sudden changes in body language, from facial expressions to patterns of speech, can be red flags for duplicitous behavior, according to research from Lillian Glass, a behavioral analyst who once worked with the Federal Bureau of Investigation to study how to spot signs of deceit.

“Your body experiences these types of changes when you’re nervous and feeling tense — when you lie,” she writes in her book, “The Body Language of Liars .”

One telltale sign of lying, she says, is a sudden inability to speak. This happens because our automatic nervous system often responds to stress by starving the mouth of saliva. Another is a change in breathing. This reflexive action can occur as a result of quick changes in heart rate and blood flow which make us feel out of breath.

Other research backs up Glass’ findings — psychologists suggest looking out for when someone repeats a question after it’s asked or veers into personal attacks rather than answering.

First Published on:

Khloe’s Corn Rows to Entice Another Rich Black Rapper?

The Kardashians girls have quite a chronical affiliation with rich black rappers. Some say Kim Kardashian’s  marriage to Kanye West is a recorded success in the family’s goal.

Now tongues are wagging at Khloe’s flare for corn rows. Critics say her excuse for dumping French Montana was a silly move because her sister Kim, did same with Chris Humphrey, adding that French Montana was the victim who was used to display her to other rich black rappers, like Kim K used Humphrey to get to Kanye. Prove to this theory is the fact that Khloe is still friends with her BFF, who was the one French Montana was sending inappropriate text messages to.

So who could this rich black rapper be? Maybe Wiz Khalifa, who is currently more single than ever after bitter break up with Amber Rose.

Hence, the scandal would be, that the Kardashians are out for Amber, because they keep taking her men away from her. In essence, if Khloe and Whiz Khalifa ever happens, then poor Amber has lost yet another rich black rapper to the Kardashians.

cornkhloe-kardashian-14-400x470FullSizeRender (75)article-2758318-2169D52300000578-817_634x536



I Think her Father is a Herbalist… Breaking Up Too!!!

I read a post on this site about someone wanting to break up with his girlfriend because she attends White Garment. I also read one insightful comment regarding the issue and I honestly wish my own situation will find answers. Honestly, between God and man, I am even scared of my girlfriend.

She is so adorable both in appearance and character and I can confidently say that I was certain about her future status as my wife.

She did not hide anything about her background, except the herbalist issue, which I found out myself. As time went on in our relationship, she opened up about her poor and humble background and about how she supports her younger ones. I even told her to quit her job in order to give her complete attention to her studies. She is the kind of woman you would do anything for or give anything to without feeling bad.

Initially she told me her dad cooks herbs, a profession he inherited from his own father, and I must add also, that her parents are so kind and free spirited. All these changed when I was led to their backyard by her younger brother who wanted to show me his science project or practical as most people would say.

I saw numerous pieces of red cloths tied to shrubs and wooden dolls, and I saw a tiny enclosed corner with mud pots of different sizes and broken calabashes that looked dirty.

I have not been able to confront her about what I saw but I am certain that I do not want the relationship again. I really do not want to hurt this young kind hearted young lady, because she even calls me her husband sometimes. I really don’t know how to do this but I honestly know that this relationship cannot continue, but how do I get off it without hurting her and without being looked at as a bad person by her family?

Breaking Up Cos She is White Garment…

Hello, I have been in this brief relationship and we are still dating but I want to break up with her cos I just recently discovered that she is a white garment church member.

I am actually indifferent about the whole situation and about her being a white garment but my mind will not just let me be. She is a very decent, loving and amazing girl but my perception and affection towards her changed completely when she told me the church she attends.

We were having a random conversation about native wears and I said I would love to see her in a native outfit cos she was fond of wearing English clothing.  She said she doesn’t have a single ankara outfit and I asked if she still wears her office cloths to church. That was when she revealed the white garment issue to me.

I just don’t feel it is a good reason to split but my mind is just not at peace with the fact that she attends a white garment church. Right now, I am not even very sure if I love her anymore. I just want to know if saying that to her would break her heart or hurt her cos I just want us to call it quit without having to hurt her.

Yvonne Nelson Dating Jimmy Jean Louis?

Ghanian star actress, Yvonne Nelson could be dating Haitian born American actor, Jimmy Jean Louis.

FullSizeRender (15)

The actress has been sharing some photos on her Instagram, which probably implies a “more than a friend” scenario.

Aside some pool side photos, the pair visited the Cape Coast Castle in Ghana and the actress also flaunted a new Iphone 6, shortly after which she began sharing their photos together.

FullSizeRender (16) FullSizeRender (17)

Both of them were starred in the 2013 comedy drama film One Night in Vegas along side John DumeloSarodj BertinVan VickerMichael Blackson and Koby Maxwell.

 The movie might have been the trigger for the rumored relationship as Yvonne captioned last two weeks ago that her “Haitian boo is in town”.

 FullSizeRender (18)


“Two out of our Three Kids aren’t his…”

I read Susan’s story yesterday and it motivated me to share mine.

I will not hide my real name because I have been praying to God for my long kept secret to be exposed. I can’t live with it anymore and at the same time, I can’t use my mouth to say it because I am disgusted at myself.

My name is Shalewa and unlike Susan, my husband is not the “best” like she implied about hers. He is equally not a bad person. On a scale of 10, he is 6. My husband is what other would refer to the average good man. He has never laid his hands on me, he caters for me and the kids by doing all he can to make us comfortable but he is not the affection showing type of man.

He surprises me once in a while and tries to make me feel loved but somehow I feel it is not enough, because he devotes most of his time to his work. There were times he’ll be away for 4 months and that means no affection or physical interaction with him.

I am not trying to justify the things I have done, but I am just trying to make readers reason with me.

While we were still courting, I slept several times with my elder brother’s friend who came visiting. He lived in our house for 2 weeks and somehow we were attracted to each other and we kept sleeping with each other while everyone else had gone to work. I just finished my NYSC and was still unemployed, while my brother’s friend just returned from the UK after finishing his masters.

I can remember vividly that I slept with my husband then only once on a Saturday evening, while I slept with my brother’s friend almost everyday, within those 2 weeks he stayed with us.

When I became pregnant, my husband automatically assumed he was responsible and felt we should get married. I couldn’t summon the courage to tell him that the child might not be his, but at the same time I knew my elder brother’s friend wasn’t committed to me, because he had a girlfriend and what we had were mere series of casual sex.

Two years into our wedding and the delivery of our first child, my husband traveled and his friend, our family friend rather, came to visit me after he closed from work and we got engrossed in an argument  that exhausted the entire evening. I still can’t explain how it happened but we ended up having sex on the sitting room rug. This happened the same week my husband traveled. My husband returned after 5 weeks and eventually, we discovered that I was pregnant.

The most annoying part of this whole thing is that I have maintained the life of a faithful wife, till the unfortunate and shameless act of infidelity I put up with our family friend.

I really want him to know because I feel like a heartless devil now, but believe me when I say that I do not have the courage to tell him that the first 2, out of our 3 kids might not be his. Even if courage can be purchased in the market, mine will be very expensive and I would not be able to afford it.

I also wouldn’t want our friends and family to know, because I want this to be settled between us. So I brought my cross to be shared on this platform and I pray they publish it. Who knows? Someone out there who doesn’t know me in person could help me find answers.


Send your Life Experience to

Note: Stories with Serious Grammatical Errors will not be Published.

“He Caught me on our Matrimonial Bed…”

My name is Susan (real name disclosed) and I have been living in utter misery because my sins have caught up with me and the guilt alone is killing me.

It would have been better if it was my guilt alone, but my husband has refused to utter a word after he caught me with my ex 3 weeks ago on our matrimonial bed.

We have been married for over 3 years now, getting to 4 and he has been an amazing man to me, despite the fact that I have not been able to conceive for him yet. He has been patient and his family in return encourages us to be strong as they join us in prayer, as we wait for God’s timing. Most times I feel I do not deserve a man like him but tell me, which woman on earth will refuse a good man? The answer is NONE!!!

I started sneaking out with my ex a year after our marriage because my husband’s business takes him away from home very often. Prior to our wedding, my ex and I have dated for like 2 years but he suddenly asked me to move on because he was leaving for a training abroad and will not be able to commit to distance relationship. I was heartbroken because he promised to marry me but eventually left me like the others did.

I found myself living in a teary world and begging God to ease the pain. Barely 4 months after the break up I met my husband who helped me get over the hurt and he loved me like I’v never been loved before. He eventually proposed and we got married.

A year after our wedding, my ex came back from his training and we became friends because my husband had helped me erase all the bitterness I felt towards him. My husband was not comfortable with the friendship and warned me not to become very close to him.

However, my ex invited me to a private party while my husband was on a business trip. The boredom was unbearable, so I went. Spending the night with him in the party brought back memories and he eventually convinced me to sleep in  a room within the house because it was very late and we were both tipsy, so he could not risk driving me home or let me drive. To cut the story short, he came to the room I was and cuddled me and we began sleeping with each other from that day.

I knew what I was doing was wrong but I could not control it, talk less of stopping it. It got to the point where my ex would secretly sneak into my matrimonial home and I eventually started asking the security guard to leave anytime my husband was out of town.

Unfortunately, my husband walked in on us while my ex was on top of me. I still don’t know why he came back home that night because he left home that morning on another business trip. Maybe the trip was cancelled or something happened, which I still haven’t been able to figure out because he has refused to utter a word to me. He still eats my food and still wakes me for morning prayer but he hasn’t said anything regarding the incident in 3 weeks.

Just like he walked away when he caught us, he does same when I approach him for a conversation.

Please someone tell me what to do because this feeling is tearing me apart. The shame and filth I feel is heavy even though I have asked God to forgive me, but God knows that his silence is what I cannot live with. Please I need helpful suggestions on what to do because I love my husband and my home.


Send your life experiences to

Tyler Perry Expecting First Child?

Last week, Tyler Perry turned 45 and celebrated his birthday by throwing himself a star-studded birthday bash. Stevie Wonder was there playing the piano.

But apparently, the most memorable moment came when Perry announced that he’s expecting his first child. Tyler however did not reveal who the mother of the child is. But sources  believe it is Gelila Bekele, a 28-year-old Ethiopian model and philanthropist who openly dated Perry on and off for the past five.


“He Beats Me Everyday… I Can’t Leave Him”- Anonymous

I’ll start with an apology for not revealing my identity. This is because he’ll know I am referring to him, so I remain anonymous.


We have been seeing each other for 9 years and I can count the days he did not slap me or hit my head and even beat me, just four months into our relationship. His entire family already knows me and we were meant to get married married 5 years ago but he is not financial buoyant enough to pay for my bride price and marriage rights, so he asked me to move in with him till he raises the money and I know he is working hard towards that.

My only problem is that he has a very bad temper and uses his hands on me at the slightest aggression. The last one was when I asked him how far with his plans for our wedding. He said I was entertaining advances from other men who are probably lying to me about marrying me. He also said that I am very ungrateful because he has been trying his best to cater for me and that I know how hard he works, but I have the nerves to ask him that question. Before I could justify my question, his entire body pounced on me.

We have done 3 abortions because he said he cannot afford to cater for me and children at the same time for now. God knows I love him but God also knows that I am already tired of waiting to be his wife. Please how do I solve this whole problem without leaving him?

Send your stories and life experiences to

Nigerian Women! Divorce is NOT an Option (says Nollywood) – Kambili M. A. Chimalu

Divorce is the ugly little word that people sometimes refuse to utter. Some would rather wither under the weight of an unhappy marriage than bask in the sunshine of being happily divorced because of the stigma attached to divorce. Many people often cloak this hatred and stigmatization of divorce under religion and culture. The Bible prohibits divorce and Divorce is un-African are statements often repeated. Therefore, this creates a society where women are sometimes trapped in abusive homes because the stigma associated with leaving is often overwhelming.

I recently watched the movie “Knocking on Heaven’s Door” featuring Blossom Chukwujekwu and Adesuwa Etomi. As far as Nollywood movies go, it is at least tolerable. Adesuwa Etomi stars as the heroine who is being abused by her husband, played by Blossom Chukwujekwu. He beats her repeatedly, abandons her by the roadside, and even rapes her at one point, but she stays through it all. The interesting thing about this situation is the reasons she gives for not leaving:

            “I am a role model to people.”

            “What will people say?”

“I don’t want people to judge him.”

“I am praying for a miracle.”

“I can only leave this marriage in the case of infidelity or death.”

In vividly capturing the shackles that are used to bind a lot of helpless Nigerian women in abusive marriages, the movie pretends like divorce is not a viable option.

This movie also reminded me of a video, “When Can an African Woman Divorce her Husband,” I watched on Battabox. Battabox is a YouTube channel that posts videos of interviews conducted in various places in Nigeria. The majority of the interviewees stated that there is no reason for a woman to divorce her husband. What if he beats her?

            “She should manage.”

            “She should endure.”

            “She should pray about it.”

What if he cheats repeatedly? (See answers above)

In addition to the media, we often have people very close to us admonishing against divorce. A friend of mine was updating me on the welfare of a friend of hers who is in an abusive marriage. The husband and his family beat her regularly. They abused her even while she was pregnant. The husband flaunts his numerous girlfriends in her presence. When I asked my friend why she had not suggested divorce to her friend, she reminded me that the Bible does not support divorce and that she could not advice anyone to divorce her husband. I was lost for words.

When people invoke religion and culture to speak against divorce, they fail to consider the humanity of the helpless victims. I told my friend that the God I serve would not want a precious child of his to be tormented, broken down, and abused in a marriage. When a Nigerian woman asked me if I would throw away my marriage just because my husband beats me, I told her that I would not throw away my marriage, but that my husband would have already thrown away the marriage the moment he decided that I resembled a punching bag.

With a woman being told that divorce is not an option from the media and close friends, she is often condemned to a life of unhappiness. In the movie, Adesuwa Etomi escapes her abuse when her husband dies. He is pushed by an ex-girlfriend, hits his head on the stairs, and dies before help could arrive. It is a tiny bit commendable that the abuser dies, but the movie makes a false promise with its “too convenient” resolution. In the real world, it is not the abuser, but the abused that dies. The too frequently read stories of Mr. A beating Mrs. A to death or Mr. B strangling Mrs. B to death demand that we open up the conversation on divorce.

Divorce should not be the first solution in all situations, but sometimes it is the only solution. It is time for us to collectively join the fight to free women that have been condemned to hellish existence because they have been told that divorce is not an option. If we must shout it from the rooftops, then that is what we will do. If we have to sing about it, then break out the speakers. If we must write about it, then let us type away into the night. Whatever voice we have, we must lend to the fight to free every man and woman from condemnation because the life we save may be our own.

Kambili M. A. Chimalu is a humanist who is interested in how people (especially Nigerians) think, what motivates them, and how they interact with the world around them. Kambili is especially interested in the well-being of the Nigerian woman and child.

Views expressed above are solely that of the author and not of or its associates.


That You’re In Love Is No Reason To Be Violated- Opeyemi Akinkusote

Some months back, a friend sent me links to some stories on domestic violence. As a female, I have got to admit that reading those stories wrenched my heart a great deal. The first story was about a young man who murdered his banker wife and who eventually got a death sentence (I will rather not state the name of the man. His act is not worthy of emulation). The next story was on a girl who was battered by her “jealously loving and over-protective boyfriend.” I mean the guy did horrible and gory things to this girl (a model who you would not believe was ever a model when you see her before and after pictures). The list of such inhumane fates suffered by women/ladies in the hands of guys whom they claim to be in love with, or from guys who claim to love these females is endless. And to be honest, even if we keep enacting laws to curb this violence and punish such offenders, I still strongly believe the harm would have already been done to these ladies. Hence, punishing the offenders does not in any way truly alleviate the sufferings of these females. But then it’d help to scare others away from perpetrating such acts.

It is to this end I write on how not to be a victim in a relationship you walked into yourself. I mean, how miserable is it that we surrender or devolve the power over our very lives to some other person just because “we are in love with them.” Call me unromantic or whatever, I believe that in as much as you have not been literally tied down in a pit, you must muster every ounce of strength you possess to get out of an abusive relationship. No human being alive should be able to decide the fate of another human being like that.

At the risk of sounding insensitive, I make bold to say that any lady who ever got into an abusive relationship had clues. The signs were there; they might have been minor or inconspicuous, but they were there. Such ladies were just “too in love” to notice, or for those that noticed, they were just too sentimental or weak to acknowledge what those signs implied or expressly meant.

Some ladies stay in abusive relationships simply because the guy gives them beautiful and irresistible gifts. So they mistake gifts for love and keep thinking “he loves me and shows it by giving me all these exquisite gifts. He just has this little problem of getting angry.” For some, the excuse is “we have been together for ‘xyz’ years. I have invested a good number of years with him. I don’t see why I should now leave him and get back to the market in search of a partner because of this trivial matter. Who would even want me?”  I have heard others say “he loves me too much; that is his problem. He can’t bear to have someone else share me with him.”  And when most girls begin to believe and make these excuses for a man they are in a relationship with, they begin to think:

“Maybe I am the one with the problem.”

“I am constantly doing the things he doesn’t want me to do by keeping those friends, especially the male ones that he doesn’t want to see around me.”

“Maybe I need to stop talking back at him when he gets upset.”

“Maybe I need to please him more.”

These and several other blames are taken by the women in these relationships for the immaturity and madness of their partner/spouse. In the first place, who told you that a man has the license to beat you even if/when you are wrong? I mean you are a fellow adult with the man. Isn’t it ridiculous that your parents no longer beat you, but one guy/man from nowhere pops into your life in the name of love or a relationship and begins to do that which your parents can’t even consider doing anymore (that is if they ever beat you as a child)?

My dear ladies, here are a few hints to know that a man will be abusive (I hope you don’t overlook these tips and that you take them very seriously), so you can know when to flee from a relationship while you aren’t yet trapped:

a)     Does he yell a lot? Once a man starts yelling at you more than the times that he compliments you or has normal conversations with you, you might want to really reconsider that relationship. Courtship is supposed to be the best time of a relationship; everything is nice, sweet and mostly enjoyable and fun. So if someone starts yelling at you so much in a relationship that you have to start being very conscious about how you speak and what you say to them, sweetheart, you need to start getting scared.

b)     Does he grab you in strange ways? For example, does he suddenly pick your arm and force you to walk with him? Does he get angry and hold onto your wrist in hurtful manners?

c)     Does he physically abuse other people in your presence? For example, does he get out of a car and go slap some ‘reckless motorist’ who scratches his car in traffic? Does he easily dangle blows in the faces of ‘other’ people other than you who upset him? It might seem like he loves you and he doesn’t get angry with only you in the entire world, but you need to be very afraid; it is just a matter of time before he would start threatening you with such violence, when he begins to feel like he owns you or feels at home with you.

d)    Does he verbally abuse you and threaten you? Does he use words like “don’t you dare test me woman. You don’t want me getting mad.” Or such sentences as “you must be very stupid/foolish/mad. If you don’t start changing, one of these days I will teach you a lesson” “thank your stars that I love you. If not, I know how I would have dealt with you.” “See her: prostitute. You are always looking for an opportunity to be promiscuous. What were you doing at your friend’s party up till now?”

e)     Does he complain a whole lot about who your friends are? Why you were smiling at some male colleague or even male stranger? Or why you didn’t pick his call or reply his message at a particular hour of the day that he was trying to contact you (especially when he makes a big deal out of it)? Does he query you on who you are talking to over the phone, or who you constantly chat with when you are free? Does he even go as far as to monitor your conversation with his friends or brothers?

f)     When he starts saying “you know you mean the world to me, I can’t bear losing you to someone else if you ever leave me.” “If you ever leave me, I will kill you, kill the new guy and ultimately kill myself”  “If you think you will ever leave me after all these things am doing for you, you better think again my dear”


When you begin to hear such sentences, please begin to run and run as fast as you can. Don’t leave room for sentiments such as “when he wants to apologize to me after terrible fights and arguments, he buys me expensive gifts, plans surprises for me and even begins to weep profusely regretting what he did to me.” To take him back after any form of abuse; whether verbal or physical is to reinforce him to continually abuse you. I mean, you are basically telling him “now you know how to pacify me and what penance to pay when you hurt me emotionally and physically. Keep pushing those buttons and you can abuse me all you want.”

In conclusion, don’t take lightly any observation by your close friends and family. Not everybody is out to “destroy your great relationship”. They might actually be on the lookout for your welfare when they start sensing dangerous and unhealthy signals in your relationship. Remember they have known you longer than this guy so they just might be right, especially when a good number of them are complaining about the same things like “why does he get angry so easily and start yelling at you even in public?” Girl, if he is yelling at you in public, chances are he will physically abuse you in private. But if he is already physically abusing you in public, he will kill you in private. Please ladies, be wise.

For those already in such relationships, who are finding it hard leaving due to fear of harm from the guy, I think it is high time you reported to the police so he can know that he can’t just take a shot at harming you anyhow; the law is already on its toe for you. Also, I think such ladies usually need counseling and a whole lot of love from close friends and families in order to psychologically and emotionally recover from such traumatizing experiences. There are NGOs and Human Right outfits willing to help you. Why not contact the nearest one to you today. Don’t be ashamed of the dungeon you are in, talk to someone who can help you today: nobody is out to judge or blame you. The important thing really, is you getting out and making the best out of the one life you have. There are no dress rehearsals for this life so don’t trivialize or lose yours in the hands of a violent and abusive partner.

@incomparablegem on Twitter


Opeyemi Akinkusote is a final year student of law. She’s passionate about empowering women and protecting women against violence. She loves to be around children educating them. She spends her time making the world a better place by advocating for love and good conscience.

The views expressed above are solely that of the author and not of or its associates.

Christian Brothers, The Art Of Loving Us – Adebola Deji-Kurunmi

In some of my deepest and most real conversations with a number of “Christian” brothers, I am brought face to face with the grievance they have against ladies, particularly ‘Christians’. They think I could have an answer because I host ladies like myself to meetings, and outings where we share on issues ranging from weight to God, sex, emotions, make up, the future and the men of our dreams, not necessarily in that order.

Anyway, the grievance is “why do the good girls fall in love with the “bad” guys”? I am sure you’ve heard the lingo before now. They say; “after being good, caring, true, faithful and responsible, you still find many sweethearts falling into the hands of those ‘hooligans’” but hey, who said a woman is your reward for choosing a religious ideology!

Just why would a lady go ecstatic about the ‘not-too-good guy’, when ex-campus fellowship presidents and many ‘spirit’ brothers await her love? The answer is close by; really, it’s not hard to see or is it? Why won’t a woman fall in love with a man who knows the rhythm of her heart and paints the rainbow on her soul? He doesn’t treat her like a piece of conviction or an apparatus to gauge his self-control.

Sometime ago, a friend of mine shared her gruesome experience in the hands of her HOD in church. The brother had apparently ‘received’ her as his wife, so he summoned her to a two man crusade to reveal the will of God. After fireworks prayers and a lot of scripture quoting, he outlined his convictions to her and went ahead to warn against the consequences of disobedience, sighting the inappropriate example of Jonah in the belly of the fish. I thought the art of asking out had gotten spicier? If you have a strong spiritual anchor as the foundation of your choice, please keep it as a guarded secret!!! Just say what you want and why you do! Tell me why you will choose me a hundred times over and over above all the ladies in the world.
On the other hand, the ‘not-too-good guy’ takes his lady to the cinema, expends some resource and gives her a cheering treat. It’s not so much about the movie, salted popcorn or bowl of strawberry ice cream, but the atmosphere he builds around her.

With every word, touch on the shoulder, bat of the eyelid, and boyish grin he passes to her, he whispers admiration; he promises the world and simply makes a queen out of a woman. Now, don’t tell me these are not the things that count and, whether or not the promises will be kept is an entirely different matter.

How many times have we grumbled to each other during our girl times, on why we keep receiving ‘Spiritual Books’ as gifts at every weary opportunity to convince us of their love? In fact, depending on the memory of the brother involved, you might receive more than a copy of the same book! The most famous are ‘The Power and Purpose of a Woman by Myles Munroe, the Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian, Woman, thou art loose by T.D. Jakes, The Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer and The Woman after God’s heart by Elizabeth George’. If you are privileged to date brothers from the deeper side of the divide, you will be blessed with gifts such as ‘A Man God Uses by Gbile Akanni, Woman, thou art loose by Dr. D.K. Olukoya, Mother in Israel by Pastor Folu Adeboye or The Effective Ministers’ Wife by Pastor Faith Oyedepo!!!

We ought to grow into ‘godly women of God’ but aren’t there other pretty, simple and alluring gifts that could go along to bring out the lady in a woman? I recognize you might need more crispy notes. How about White Diamonds by Elizabeth Taylor, Secret by Elizabeth Arden, Summer Cocktail by Givenchy? Or Sunshades by Police, Jeans skirt or gown by Wrangler, Girly Shirts by Davida, Office wears by Curtis, a nine-set Music CD pack from the old days or sunlight hours at the beach.

Why treat her like a bundle of temptation, a test you must pass as a display of your spirituality? What about a pat in the back, a squeeze in the hand, a warm, warm hug, a kiss on the forehead, a stroke on her hair? I cannot get over my amusement at preferred postures of prospective ‘couples’ I know. They’ve been announced to the church as about to marry, the brother and sister sit across each other after church service, with such wide space in-between! Oh, could be the church premise restriction!

Delani, a young married man – is not your regular ‘divine brother’. He’s been there, done that and sees life as one huge party! Married for about four years, with a son and awaiting another, he still calls his wife some intriguing names. I must have heard a lot but these ones stuck- Pepperoni, Sweet Yummie, Babe mi, Omoge, My One Billion, Lovey Dovey. I imagine some people already squinting in irritation; ‘na your own be that’! This guy makes a wonder out of his wife!!! I could forgive a man for being overly dramatic in his display of affection to his beau, but I can’t help but seethe in anger at chaps who are too proud, dull or primitive to adorn their women in the robes of noble admiration. Have you heard pet names like ‘Mummy, Iya yi, Madam, Sister Nneka, or Our wife?
I understand that Christian ladies are belaboured by the inclination of their men to make prophetic declarations into their lives, using Bible quotes. So they earn names like ‘Beulah, Hephzibah, Delightsome, My Crown, Righteous Jewel, Pure Diadem…etc. Yes Lord!!! What can we say to these things?

Have you ever seen a picture of a ‘sister’ and a ‘brother’? Particularly the ones they take in the studio? You haven’t? One glance at the shot and many things jump at you. You see bridled dreams, confused expectations, unspoken desires and many invisible boundary lines. His hand is resting uneasily on her shoulder; he tries to lean a bit forward with a nervous grin, the other hand behind his back and he has secrets in his eyes. And then, you have sister Florence, sitting to the edge of the high stool with a shy smile, waiting for the future!

I don’t have all the answers to making a woman happy, but to make her heart sing, you’ve got to bring some zest to the table. A woman thinks a lot about the guy who makes her laugh hard, she grows fond of he who sings her favourite love song and dedicates it to her. She wants to smell your perfume in her blouse, remember the sound of your heartbeat when you said all will be fine and she’d like to be surprised by new things almost every time..
O yes – let godly ladies choose to build a future with men who love God and understand the covenant. At least, no one wants to be a daughter-in-law to the Devil. But we look forward to a new day without the traumas of men unschooled in the affairs of the heart.

We like it when you love Jesus yet get us rocking!!!

Debola Deji-Kurunmi
President, Deborah Initiative for Women.

@DebolaKurunmi on Twitter

The views expressed above are solely that of the author. 

You Don’t Have to be Good in Bed to Keep a Man – Opeyemi Akinkusote

To be honest, this article is more focused on female folks than male. Howbeit, a guy can learn one or two things to pass on to his sisters, female cousins or better still daughters.

It is a generally known fact that women are more emotional and full of empathy than men. This is one of the reasons why women generally seem to be better parents than fathers; because they can easily relate to the change in mood and behavioural pattern of their kids faster than a father who would have finished watching a game of soccer before noticing that one of his kids had been seated beside him all through the 90 minutes of the game.

Because women are more wired towards emotions, it is only “natural” that women can be and are indeed sentimental about most things they are emotionally connected to. That explains why a girl can suddenly burst into tears about not finding the pair of red pumps she had mentally planned she will wear with a sky blue dress for an interview. Even though she might have other pairs of red shoes, the very fact that she didn’t get to wear those exact red pumps is almost sufficient to alter her entire mood for the day, and if care isn’t taken, that day will start and end on a bad note for her.

Now before you think am all out to insult the sensibility of the female specie, it should interest you to know am a female! So this is no attack on a gender I know nothing about. I wrote this article to help females like me know how to manage their emotions without making several mistakes based on emotions. And the focal point of one of the mistakes a female can make based on emotions is one involving sex, especially outside the scope of marriage. And this has nothing to do with whether you have lost your virginity or not as it’s never too late to retrace one’s steps at the discovery of a better path.

When it comes to the area of sex, 90% of ladies that give in to sex voluntarily (am not talking about instances of rape or other forms of sexual defilement as contained in the criminal code as crimes) at some point sold a lie to themselves that they were making that decision independent of any inducement, threat or promise. Truth is that at some point or the other, someone, society, movies, media, friends etc. had reinforced it in them that:

a)      You have to be good in bed in order to keep your man.

b)      If you don’t give in to his sexual advances, he will dump you for someone else who will.

c)      Even if he does not dump you for someone else, he will be cheating on you with someone who will agree to have sex with him. And you wouldn’t want that, would you?

d)     You really can’t find a man who would not want sex before marriage. Stop living in a fantasy world.

e)      Sex makes you better connect with your partner than any other means of communication.

f)       Sex helps you stop having menstrual cramps during your menstrual cycle.

g)      How can you tell if someone will satisfy you in bed for the rest of your life? So start learning and seeing if you are compatible now before you get neck deep.

h)     Nobody really wants to marry a virgin.

i)        There are significant health benefits for starting out an early sexual life.

Contrary to many whacked views (I got no apology for saying this), you don’t have to be good in bed to keep a man! Yeah I said it. You will realize soon enough that there are several other needs of an average human that transcend beyond sex. The need for acceptance, success, support, love, loyalty, admiration and encouragement, and the list is inexhaustible. So you see, if your main goal is to satisfy ‘your man’ sexually above all other needs, the day he has need for ‘a listener’ or ‘a cheerleader’ you will most likely be ‘unwanted and unneeded’ at those times. And guess what, even for men who pride themselves on being all for and all about sex, they will shut you out at those moments.

Furthermore, the whole farce about there is no man who would not want sex before marriage is what it is; a farce. Contrary to stories making the rounds, there are a good number of men who are subscribers to “no sex before marriage” and guess what, they aren’t impotent, and some of them aren’t cheating on their abstaining partners by being sexually involved with someone else.

And if a man were to dump you because you want to abstain from sex before marriage, that’s his loss not yours. It just goes to show how irresponsible and immature he is and apparently, you don’t have the same core values. And the last thing any person should work hard to keep is a partner who doesn’t have the same core values as you; because eventually, the absence of those core values will bring ceaseless conflicts, sometime in the nearest future.

Also, some things are designed to separate the boys from the men. Boys usually can’t wait to have something (e.g. a toy, food or even games). A (real) man on the other hand knows there is something called timing; so if dinner is not ready, he knows better to wait until the cook is done with the cooking. He knows that if he can’t play a game now, there is always another time (especially if the game is his as in marriage). And you giving in to sex with him wouldn’t let him mature. Rather, it will only reinforce him that as a boy, he always has to throw tantrums in order to get what he wants.

A man on the other hand works, watches and waits to see the results of his labour. And you shifting grounds would only be sending messages that he can do whatever he wants and very soon, he just might be cheating because he would evidently have no self-control or discipline.

In relation to early sexual activity helping to prevent or minimize the impact of menstrual cramps during menstrual cycle, it is a blatant lie. I know one too many friends who are sexually active and some of them have menstrual pains that lead to them being hospitalized and the pains are the same as when they were virgins. And if you think am lying, do a little survey of your own: look for ladies and girls who usually have serious menstrual cramps and pains and ask them to answer truthfully if they are sexually active. You can get back to me on your findings.

With regards to sex helping you connect with your spouse, it is very possible. But let me just say that such connections won’t last a long time. It is like drugs; you get high and after a while, the effect of the drugs wears off and next you know, you will be needing a quick fix to feel irie. And guess what, that kind of connection only makes you vulnerable! You know how drugs leaves its victims on the brink of insanity when they are not on it, that is exactly the state you will be in. You will become so dependent on the guy that the very sight of you will begin to disgust him because he will know you have become totally dependent on him (it is scary but important to know that a guy can  have sex with a girl/lady without any pinch of emotion). And last but not least, you will be used! It will no longer be a case of equal parties in the relationship anymore; yours will be the case of slave and task master. When he asks you to jump, you will be asking him “how high”. I don’t think anyone really wants that for herself; to be in the position of an object.

True there have been several researches and studies that have postulated that early sexual activity helps improve one’s health one way or another. I know doctors who have come to scientifically prove the opposite of such arguments, too. I generally believe science is in itself confused! Today we are told that caffeine is good, tomorrow; it is a different postulation. Today you should eat this and that food because it is good for your health; in the next three months, you are told you are at risk for eating such food stuffs. But let us say for the sake of argument, science is right about all the benefits of sex that they have ever come up with in order to catalyze us into much active and early sexual lives, we must never forget that there was an age where to be a non-virgin at the time of your wedding was tantamount to being called a witch. You will in that age be better off dead; because the harm and shame won’t come to you alone, but to your family too. Anyway, back to that age of moral sanctity, men and women both lived full and long lives in the literal sense of those words without engaging in sexual activity until they were married. This only goes to buttress that there are some folks who keep making discoveries that will let us keep losing our moral and religious sanctity .

Lastly on one of the myths I stated earlier, there are several things that an individual does not need to be taught. Those things are part of the human instincts. Remember, no one teaches a baby that when your mummy puts her nipple in your mouth, you must suck it, for that is the only way you can feed. No one teaches a baby that when you are hungry, cold, hot or feeling uncomfortable with your diapers, cry out non-stop till you are given attention and made more comfortable. In the same vein, virgin or not, you will instinctively know what to do with regards to sex when you get married. Stop buying lies cheap lies.

Don’t fall for that hideous line. The best of gems are never even left on display in jewelry stores; they are only brought out when the intending buyer has been confirmed to be able to pay the price. Such jewels are only brought out on demand based on the value of the intending buyer. Stop cheapening yourself.

The beauty of being able to walk away from a silly and wrongly entered relationship because you have not had any form of sexual relations with the guy is priceless. Even the guy will know it is his own loss. Most guys like that will beg to have the girl/lady back as opposed to the one they have had sex with and who is seen as ‘conquered’. Even when a guy breaks your heart, you are hurt; but the hurt is nothing compared to when he has had his way with you sexually.

For those who think “I slept with him and we still got married; all hell did not break lose joor,  let me just inform you of what we both know: you know deep down that you can’t trust your husband alone with some attractive girls, and truth be told, he cannot trust you either with other men, because you both know that you weren’t disciplined in the area of sex when you were dating or engaged. You can’t give what you don’t have.

@incomparablegem on Twitter


Opeyemi Akinkusote is a final year student of law. She’s passionate about empowering women and protecting women against violence. She loves to be around children educating them. She spends her time making the world a better place by advocating for love and good conscience.

The Fool’s Gold – @TheMolash

Gold is worth a bunch. Is it not? Let’s forget about Diamonds and Emeralds and which ever really expensive piece of rock that comes to mind. Gold is still there, regardless. But, for a proud thief, a thief with a lot of ego and self respect or esteem, Gold is just one shiny yellowish (or is it golden?) stone when he gets it so cheap, like say, when he steals it from a fool. You know what else is a lie? I’m a lady. But, that’s by the way. What I’ve just tried to tell you is that Gold is Gold to a thief anyway it comes. Still, when they try a lot harder to get it, maybe by robbing a highly secured bank, sneaking through surveillance cameras and cracking safes and playing with really complicated toys (I actually mean gadgets) and all those other things you’d get to see on Italian Job and Stolen, they’ll hold that gold with higher value than gold of the same characters that a rich man’s trusted servant forgot in a briefcase on the plane and they were watching and nature did all the work and all they had to do was pick it up and the servant lost his job because he got fired by his boss.

Anyway, Gold is only a metaphor here. A metaphor for Trust. How it’s gotten. How it’s held. How it’s valued. Who’s trust worthy? Who’s not worthy? Thing is, earth is a big ball and at the same time, a small world. Makes it all so confusing knowing what’s what and who’s who and who’s what. We’re left to choose to believe or not what we hear or, more reliably, what we see. But can we even trust our eyes or our ears? Our eyes, they see what we want them to see. An eye can look at a messed up car, for example, and see a Ferrari. Go figure. How about our ears? Worse. We don’t have plenty choice or control there. They hear what the other person wants us to hear. A short boy can tell you he’s tall and, whether you believe him or not, you’ve heard it. The only thing that can save you there is your eyes. Whether it looks at a short boy or a tall boy. And you’re quite out of luck if you do see a tall boy.

I’m about to make an attempt at connecting the two previous paragraphs.

When lies and pretence is what’s used to get a person to like you, to see you for what you’re not, to regard you for more than your worth, to respect you more than you deserve, such likeness and regard and respect is almost nothing. It’s built on false assumptions. It’s worthless, like Fool’s Gold. Yeah, it might be convincing and all but lies starts slowly and then they become quite fast, you know. They always catch up. And when they do, like perverts in a marathon, they begin to strip you of your gear publicly to show the world the inner you. Shame. However, if a person knows a person by truths, that person is bound to forever respect that person regardless of whatever that person ever does to that person. The fact that truths are there where there could be lies is enough for that person. That person values that person a lot more.

All I’m saying is, when lies and what not are used to get a person to trust you, you – being trusted – will hold such trust with a lot lesser value than trust granted onto you by someone based on truths. Also, trust is bound to collapse when a victim of lies realises that they’ve been fooled all along because the foundation of such trust never really had trenches. And that’s almost not possible.

With this, when I say, ‘Lies. Lies, everywhere. The worthlessness in cunning a Fool’s gold.’ I’ll just direct a person here when they say they don’t understand and hope that all this mumbo jumbo clears it out for them.

 Blog is

The views expressed above are solely that of the writer and not of or its associates.

Love is Just Another Value ~ @Lanre_Olagunju

It is not enough that a man be born, he must learn to live. It’s not enough that a man should live; he must learn to love and master to bear the pain, thrill and excitement that comes with love. What can be more exhilarating than to be in love? Though one must also note that to give one’s heart, is not only to give that person the right to love you back but also the power to hurt as well. No matter how close or how emotionally connected we are with another person, to a large extent we still can never fully know and understand another person’s design, which predominantly structures why they behave the way they do, their motivations, belief system, philosophies, passions, dreams and goals. At best we can only derive an approximation based on assumption of their full thinking process.


Come to think of it, an assumption they say is the least form of knowledge. The manufacturer of the mind, God, describes his own product saying. “The heart is a twisted thing, not to be searched out by another mortal: who is able to have knowledge of it?”

Questions relating to when you should make known or public your love affair and whether true love is blind or crippled has always and will ever remain subjective topical love issues. Love is a great motivator and inspiration in every relationship but the fact that we fall into it probably explains why a one time lover gets demoted to suddenly become “a good friend” like we say it when the whole thing is dwindling away into history or a foe when things become terribly sour. Maybe when we begin to walk, against falling in love, love might restore its blind sight.

“When you love, you love. I mean, do you stop loving somebody because you have different images? You know, Bobby and I basically come from the same place, you see somebody, and you deal with their image, that’s their image. It’s part of them; it’s not the whole picture. ” pop idol and six-time Grammy award winner, Whitney Houston, told Rolling Stone in 1993. Yeah love is all that matters and it does conquers all things, but when maturity meets with love, it births a superior orientation that makes one see common sense beyond a common tool in any relationship because it hurts to be left alone by someone you love. It hurts to love someone who can’t love you back. But what hurts the most is to end a relationship that was never even destined to start. For instance If a bird falls in love with a fish, where would they live? Who gets the fins and who loses the wings? It’s an irony. That’s how cruel but poetic love can be.

Many are of the opinion that if Whitney Houston never met Bobby Brown, probably her life would have been less tragic and far from a striking cautionary tale.

Even when we eventually settle with that bone of our bone and flesh of our flesh, the question of whether love is enough still arises. I’ve repeatedly heard those married for donkey years say things like “understanding, patience and endurance is all that matters” some out of their own personal ‘not so exciting’ experiences go as far as categorically predicting that you should at some point expect that your spouse will come up with characters and traits absolutely synonymous of a stranger, and you just beginning to wonder where on earth you got this person from. This is far from the image of love the media paints. They only showcase the feel good hormonal responses that bind two people initially, and then they edit reality away. “There isn’t a perfect relationship, the major point is to move forward” a married adult friend once stressed to me.

Let me share the misery of a man I read some years back in one of those Funmi Akingbade’s sex and sexuality columns on Saturday Punch Newspaper. This particular man was demanding for help to manage his psychological trauma. After forgiving his wife, he still had issues struggling with the mental play back of another man’s sex organ inside her. This happened after both partners in a playful atmosphere asked questions related to how they coped when both were temporarily separated by distance. The woman at one point confessed that she had a onetime secret affair. She must have summoned enough calories of courage most likely because she couldn’t hold the guilt anymore. In response to the man’s challenge, the columnist scolded him for indulging in such a risky fact finding in the first place and like you would expect, he was advised to move on.

And at the minute you critically consider the effort and investment that relationships consumes, and the contagious effect of divorce on the children and others. ‘To move on’ becomes quite a handy response.

That you love one another doesn’t really guarantee all the happiness, the feel good feeling will die and probably resurrect again. The long married says it takes a whole lot of conscious effort from both parties to keep it alive. In fact, that hard work and conscious effort is what they refer to as love. There is so much to great relationship than love.

P.S This article was first published on this blog two years back.

The views expressed above are solely that of the writer and not of or its associates.

Stereogoddess, Bolanle Okhiria’s Pictorial Valentine’s Day message: Say No To Domestic Violence in relationships!


[highlight]In this season of love, someone out there is dying to be loved. Show some love today and always.[/highlight]

Bolanle Okhiria, winner of kokomansion 2009, model and current co-host of the biggest music countdown on Radio, MTN Yhello top 10 countdown wishes everyone Happy Valentine’s day and has a message for everyone that might know anyone (Male or Female) who’s a victim of domestic violence and emotional trauma. Pass this message on and you may be saving a life. You can connect with her on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook : @Stereogoddess

322A6883 2322A6912-Edit-Edit 322A6916-Edit-Edit-Edit 322A9940-Edit-Edit 322A9975-Edit 322A9981-Edit-Edit-2 322A6924 2

Who Are You Dating? – Ike Amadi

Why do you think God chose Mary? Because she was a virgin? Yes, but No! It was because as in Luke 1:26 – 27, ‘And in the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent from God unto a city of Galilee,…, to a virgin ESPOUSED TO A MAN whose name was JOSEPH, of the house of DAVID; and the virgin’s name was Mary.’ Gbam!

That’s it. Ask yourself, who was the promise made to? David. Rev 22:16, ‘I am the Root and the Offspring of David.’ See that? That’s Jesus declaring. So because of Joseph – who is of the lineage of David – God chose Mary! The power of association.

 You can be a candidate of favor because of whom you’re with. Mary was favored of God because of her relationship with Joeseph. Luke 1 vs, 28 says, ‘[Mary,] thou art highly favored.’

Good news! Because you are part of the FRESH LA family, you are highly Favored! Wow! Did you see that coming? F- Favored R-Redeemed E-Elevated & S-Spiritually H-Healthy.

See for more.

I’m favored! Are you?

You can be. Join The LA family today!

Ike Amadi

For @thelafamily.

The views expressed above are solely that of the writer and not of or its associates.

This Brat Ardour Called True Love – Orukotan Ayomikun Samuel

The make-up that brought about the existence of human beings had in its script the emotional, communal and carnal love. This structure was not the problem of man at the beginning (man was able to control its power and authority) but when civilization came, the composition of man was decomposed by both the physical and chemical means, the script was re-written just to meet the new demands of man, the opus was master-minded just to align man with the rest of the line. This modification and adjustment brought about this annual holiday meant for honouring lovers. “It is celebrated by sending greeting cards or gifts to express affection”. This holiday called valentine day was derived from the ancient roman feast of Lupercalia. Lupercalia is akin to “pagan holiday”. However, when the dominance of Christianity became evident all over Europe, Lupercalia was renamed for early Christian martyrs. So, in celebrating the two roman martyrs epithetic-ally called “saint valentine” who lived in the 3rd century, valentine day was instituted which was popularly known as the feast day. The two roman martyrs never had an obvious connection with courtship or lovers but they fought and died for love. Through them, valentine day has become the second most popular card-sending holiday after Christmas day and that is the more reason why we must celebrate Valentine’s Day according to the vision of the visionary.

As simple as the concept of valentine’s looks like, man and his perverted mind has redefined its simplicity. The simplicity has been intricately doped, the simplicity has been contaminated with frolicsomeness, people now have different schools of thought towards love and the statistical analysis of these isms of thought suggests digression from “true-love” and whatever it represents. But it’s a pity that this anomalous celebration of love is here again with its frill of infatuations, insanity and smooch-ness, it has brought again to the door-steps of many its lecherous excitement coupled with loads of unrequited love while the legacies of the martyrs who stood for true love is legging up. This redefinition has in its depository a dime of dozens inventory, it has a lot of immoral activities in its profile, this redefinition is making the world go crazy with loads of nude actions, incessant dressing everywhere just to attract the carnal love of man, it increased social vices, it was this re-definition that gave room for double-dating, break-up in a relationship, dumps, leaving someone at the altar, leaving someone for someone else and lot more but once-again the flora and the fauna will be at its peak in celebrating this lascivious status of man. What a letdown! What is the good thing that this puppy love has brought to us as a people? What value has this whippersnapper added to our devious and voyeuristic society? What useful output have we produced from this glitch aside the lust of flesh, the lust of eyes and the pride of life? What pious quality has it added to our different beliefs? Absolutely nothing priceless is added except for devaluation

The by-product of puppy love is selling fast in our society today, the products are becoming ostentatious, and the goods are becoming necessitated. The righteous are being infested, the pure in heart are being manipulated by the fiend, people are demanding for temporary comfort at the expense of eternal comfort. This is what the world has turned into. The redefinition that took away the vows of chastity, the redefinition that carted away our dignity, the redefinition that sold our honour and glory for a penny is here again. How we rise up to the occasion of redeeming our image is very instrumental even as we celebrate yet another episode of love.

So, let us consciously subscribe to the godly standard of love even as the world goes crazy once more. Your rationality in the midst of these irrationalities is the price you will have to pay for love. Valentine paid its own price, he earned the prize, Jesus Christ, the son of God did same and he also earned his prize. Do not forget that there are many athletes in this race of life but only one receives the gold. So run your race of love well according to the principle of the “greatest” love itself that you may conversely obtain your reward. Peace.

The views expressed above are solely that of the writer and not of or its associates.

The Informal Heartbreak Letter – Gamby Mangut

I remember the last day I saw you, 6th of September 2013. Then you were still my world but today the 14th , makes it exactly a month since you ripped my heart out, took away something which I still have no adjective to qualify till this moment, after ‘ALL’ we had, you married another woman.

I still remember your call at 2:35am to tell me how much you love me and I’d never forget how my body shook listening to you say those words I had heard a thousand times. Ain’t nothing like an intuition, it’s never wrong, at least mine isn’t. I also remember waking up later that day and telling my sister I felt you had gotten married as I dressed up to go for my baptism (guess it was no coincidence seeing I was gonna be praying for my future at the river bank and dear future hubby which I thought was you). Fast forward to some hours later and with a beating heart, I called you. I’d never forget your words and I quote

                   ‘I have something to tell you, I got married today’

        And God replied you (cause that definitely wasn’t me)

                  ‘Congratulations, you should have told me before now, I wish you all the best’

Then I hung up of course, thought it was a joke and the fever set in. The love in my heart for you could never be described, I’ve never cared for anyone outside my nuclear family that much, I thought we were happy and in love, but I guess I was delusional and love wasn’t enough. I could never cry again like I did then, food was sawdust in my mouth, felt like rapture had taken place and I hadn’t made it. The feelings I felt…..worthless, shame, depression the list goes on and to my mom and sisters all I can say is THANKS, never leaving me alone and trailing me everywhere to be sure I wouldn’t do something stupid.

Now why would you want to do something like that, cause a man thought he had cheated me for years. There’s nothing like a heart truly in love, it’s pure and ‘holy’ and I could only feel pity for him. One wonders the efforts you have to put into a relationship and here was someone double dating, so much energy. My curiosity really ate me up, as I listened to you promise to come see me and explain why. But then, I chose not to hear from you, two years of deceit what else would you be telling me in less than two hours. My reply ‘I’d never bring or wish you harm, you don’t need to come see me in Lagos, let your God and conscience judge you, Na yafe’. (means I have forgiven in Hausa).

Ladies and gentlemen to the sole purpose of writing this – being heart broken is a phase and a state of mind, if you feed it negatively, sorry for your heart, body and soul, if you feed it  positively….WAY TO GO. You’re allowed to gloat, feel bad, cry, feel resentment, throw tantrums (sensible tantrums) but above all there’s a time limit to that cause there’s no need crying over spilt milk, if it was yours, it would be in your stomach or cup. Dust yourself up, let go of the memories, delete everything – pictures, anniversary, ‘our’ songs and all that. Get a new playlist please…Beyonce – best thing I never had, Katy Perry – roar etc.

There’s never been a better time to look up to God and start living out any idea or plan you’ve had. Don’t ever feel shame for being true, you’re the victim here and not the villain, don’t let this slip mess up things for the next guy or lady. Most importantly, you’re vulnerable now please be cautious, you’re not broken but bent, you can learn to love again. When you eventually find that chocolatey, creamie, heart racing, adrenaline pumping, pupils dilating, spell bound love, you would thank God. I’d never stop believing in love………..TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS.

The Stopgap Theory Of Relationships – JJ Omojuwa

I am not an expert on relationships. Don’t take my words to heart. Just read and think about it as unbiased as you can.

The Stopgap Theory (SGT) states and I quote; A person will only remain your unmarried partner for as long as it takes to find someone else who loves him/her as much as you do and with the same assurances that you provide but with better resources and/or prospects for the future.

The above theory has been tested for five years (now eight years) and has not for once come up short in the discussions I have had with sincere people and most importantly in the realities I have seen over the years. If you have been following this blog, you’ll understand the examples I gave to show this theory at play. Let me also state that it is not a bad thing – at least as far as my own convictions on personal preferences go. It would only be a bad thing for me if the Stopgap effect lasts into marriage. I believe that once a man and a woman are married, their business should be about learning to grow into the ultimate beings each person would desire daily even if they lived for a century more after the marriage. I don’t believe in what I call karakata (commercial) marriage, where every seemingly bad experience spurs you to want to change your partner – like I would rush to change my BIS service provider if one refuses to act up with me. Marriage should not be that way. Once you decide this is the person, I believe the games and the antics should stop, or better than playing games as a married person, stay out of it entirely, stay single. Marriage is not a fundamental human right. It is not compulsory to be married!

The Stopgap Theory is a theory and not a law because no matter how prevalent or how much it has proven to be true, it does not apply to 100 per cent of relationships. There will always be men and women who will stick to you no matter what, irrespective of the conditions as long as you don’t push them out yourself. These are a rare breed and if you find or have one, cherish, love and protect them as they are more endangered than good men in Nigerian politics. As for those whose lives are a reflection of this theory, no qualms, just be ready to take it on the chin when you are on the receiving end of its effects. As for me, I’d rather avoid the stopgap crap entirely by waiting. If you don’t fit the bill, we don’t date! If we date, then you are not my stopgap, you are the real deal. I don’t do relationships except I feel “This Is It”, it takes friendship to show that for me, hence my friendships with quite a select group of ladies and as long as I haven’t felt the This Is It effect, the gates of strategic friendships remain open. We don’t have to be in a relationship to take ourselves out, to share intimate thoughts and bla bla bla *coughs *coughs. See, this is my point, it will hurt to find that someone actually played you as a Stopgap, so won’t it be better to call a spade a spade –friendship – until it evolves into a spoon – like instrument that takes things to the mouth and offers refreshment to the body and the soul? Don’t dwell on this picture J

Whether or not you admit it, everyday of your relationship with that guy or lady is a day that asks again, “is s/he the one?” and the question gains more significance after a squabble, a major quarrel or an act of infidelity or even inability itself; Inability in all its denotations and connotations.

Once upon a time on twitter the hash tag #youknowyouareasiderunswhen provided some pointers to the reality of being a Stopgap as the answers poured in, some of them unprintable but true. You know you are not his or hers most of the time if you ain’t, but people like to fight lost battles. A battle where you are defeated before it even gets started. I don’t have the space to write the signs that show you are someone’s Stopgap, but most of the time Stopgaps are aware of their position in the unhealthy relationship. You cannot be with a man or woman who truly and wholeheartedly wants you for the long stretch into the twilight of his or her years without knowing it. First the words will always show it as people speak to people based on the value they place on them (these words count over a long time not a quick-fix time at the cinema or dinner), actions prove it because out of the abundance of his/her words, s/he acts and the bottom line lies in your position with his/her inner circle including his/her parents, siblings and friends. Of course this is no guarantee as it’s even a strategy for some boys to get their urgings satisfied quickly. Loool.


Open and shine your eyes, open your soul to the realities of where your relationship is and do yourself the honours. It never feels right to be used and dumped but most of the time, your insistence on keeping what does not belong to you leads to that. Every heart shall find its match, every lock will find its key and every hole will find its peg and when you do, you know you are both unstoppable as the SGT cannot apply to you.

Remember: The Stopgap Theory states that a person will only remain your unmarried partner for as long as it takes to find someone else who loves him/her as much as you do and with the same assurances that you provide, but with better resources and/or prospects for the future.

I have been listening to Brandy all morning. Don’t me if I feel like talking about relationships. #np – Almost Doesn’t Count. Aphrodisiac comes next 🙂

PS: This was posted in 2011. I felt an urge to repost it today. 

Unbelievable: Burnt to death by jealous lover

A 23-year-old National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) member serving in Buguma area of River State has been burnt to death by her male lover, after she ended their affairs over the man’s jealous attitude.

The victim, Miss Winifred Amarachi Oke, who graduated from Michael Okpara University of Agriculture, Umudike, Abia State with Second Class upper division, in Home Economics and was posted to River to serve, died of first degree burns she sustained in the mid night attack by her lover.

The deceased was a native of Amawom, Oboro in Ikwuano Local Government Area of Abia State. Meanwhile, the Police in Port Harcourt, River State capital, are currently questioning the suspect, whose name was given as Ogbonna, an undergraduate of Michael Okpara Univeristy, who hails from Ovim, in Isikwuato LGA of Abia State, on why he set her female lover ablaze.

Winifred’s father, 53-year-old Okechukwu Onyeze Oke, told Daily Sun, amid tears, that they did not know Ogbonna, as he had not come to them to ask for the hand of their daughter in marriage. He wondered why the man should be jealous, to the point of wasting the life of their promising daughter, who they laboured for 23 years to bring up.

The man stated that he learnt that whenever Ogbonna saw their daughter with anyone he would go violent and as a result, their daughter asked him to stay away from her, as she could no longer tolerate the level of jealousy he was exhibited. He said that Winifred was rushed to University of Port Harcourt Teaching Hospital, after she was burnt in her room, where she died days after.

He told Daily Sun that the body of his daughter was transferred from the University of Port Harcourt Teaching Hospital to the Federal Medical Centre (FMC), Umuahia on Wednesday evening, August 8, with an NYSC ambulance. Mr. Oke said that Ogbonna allegedly poured petrol into the room Winifred was sleeping, through window, at about 1am and threw in a lighted match, thereby setting the room ablaze.

He said that when the fire raged, Winifred’s neigbours raised the alarms, leading to rescue efforts. When the fire was put out, the lady had been burnt from waist downwards.

According to Oke: “On July 19, somebody called my number at about some minutes to 7am, saying I should come to Port Harcourt, that my daughter had an accident. I inquired of the type of accident. He said that she had an accident in Port Harcourt. You know, she is a youth corps member.

I tried further to find out. He said somebody poured petrol into her apartment and set the house ablaze. “Before doing that, he (the suspect) first locked the door from outside and poured petrol into the room through the window, at about 1am and set her room ablaze. We had to go. Her mother had to go first. When we got there, she (Winifred) was critical. She had severe burn.

The fire burnt her waist down to legs and other parts of the body, including the tummy. She was taken to the UPTH by her fellow corps members. She was taken to the theatre for plastic surgery on her legs and she remained in the intensive care unit (ICU). She was on oxygen until Wednesday, July 31, 2013, when she died about 5.30am.

The suspect has been apprehended by the police. Oke said the family could not understand why the suspect could go to the extent of killing Winifred, when they don’t even know him as a prospective husband to her.

Source: Sun News

Tribute To Late Ladi Kwali By Ibrahim Sanyi-Sanyi

August 12th, 2013 will be 29 years after the passing unto glory of Hajiya Ladi Kwali. A woman of great artistic acumen and unprecedented creativity in the modern history of pottery in Nigeria who left behind the legacy of blended craft of traditional African and Western pottery, which is celebrated within and without the shores of Nigeria as one of the finest and obviously famous works of art ever to have come from sub-Saharan Africa.


For centuries, pottery has been the exclusive preserve of the womenfolk in Nigerian traditional societies and cultures. Pottery was and is still used for various purposes such as cooking, decoration and more commonly for water storage. Some cultures also use artistically decorated pots as religious symbols, hence the intricate design patterns and ornamentation that is has come to be associated with such items.


Hajiya (Dr.) Hadiza Ladi Kwali was born in 1925 in a village in Kwali area populated by the Gwari (Gbagyi) people of Northern Nigeria. She grew up in a family in which the womenfolk made pots for a living, and worked with her aunt as an apprentice in pottery. By the time of her death, Dr Ladi Kwali was Nigeria’s best known potter. She left a rich legacy of her work and a sizeable number of apprentices who picked up from where she left at the Abuja Pottery Training Centre.


With the amazing way in which she handles clay, she produces pots with spectacular beauty in form and decoration. The splendor of her pottery attracted the Emir of Abuja who acquired and kept in his palace, a collection of her works. In 1950, these collections were seen and admired by an English potter, Michael Cardew who was sent to the Abuja area – apparently on a mission to improve the quality of local work there – by the then colonial government. He established the Abuja Pottery Training Centre in that year and stayed there for the next 15 years, working with local potters, as he taught and was taught the art of pottery in a symbiotic learning relationship – he introduced wheels and kilns to the Centre, and he learn about traditional firing methods and ornamentation from the local potters.


Dr. Kwali’s contact with Michael Cardew in 1954 was the turning point in her pottery career. Cardew introduced her to his Abuja Pottery Training Centre  – which was exclusive to women potters  – where she learned to throw pots on the wheel. Dr. Kwali was initially reluctant to adapt to the wheel, preferring the traditional spiraled coil method of building pots. But she later discovered her natural flair for the wheel; she learns and moved on. She became an authority in pottery, combining the Western and traditional methods of making pots to produce dishes, bowls and beakers with graffito decoration. Most of these were glazed and fired in a high-temperature kiln and therefore denote an interesting hybrid representing a fascinating mixture of both traditional African and Western studio pottery. On his part, Cardew learn about the traditional firing methods and ornamentation from Kwali who was glad to teach her teacher.


Over the span of a decade, the mixture of improved firing methods, wheel and kiln technology, and Dr. Kwali’s sophistication in ornamentation skills; her works became known in Europe, Britain and America. They were displayed on exhibitions in Europe in 1958, ‘59 and 1962 to great acclaim in London at the Berkeley Galleries. In 1960, her works in pottery were displayed at The Nigerian Independence Day. She was awarded OON (Officer of the Order of the Niger), and an Honorary Doctorate degree by Ahmadu Bello University, Zaria. In 1963, she was decorated with the honor of OBE (Officer of the order of the British Empire) by the British Government in recognition of her being a worthy and renowned representative of Africa’s rich heritage in pottery.


Today, some of her pots decorated with incised geometric and schematic figurative patterns are used for cooking and water storage. While some traditionalists use her pot as religious symbols.


Dr. Ladi Kwali remained associated with the Abuja pottery works until her death. And despite her lack of formal Western education and inability to communicate in English language, Dr. Kwali was able to give lectures (through interpreters) and make physical demonstrations – at home and in many European and American institutes as guest lecturer – on how she improved her traditional pot making skills to a world-class standard. The Abuja Pottery was renamed the Ladi Kwali Pottery and her name is immortalized on a major street in Abuja; while a conference hall in the Abuja Sheraton hotel was named in her honor.


Someone describe her as “a replica who epitomized what womanhood is all about”. She was creative, innovative, resourceful, and hard working. Her dedication and commitment were the keys she used to unlock her life of distinction. She was the local scarf who never allowed her lack of formal Western education constrict her from attaining greatness in life.


Shortly after Cardew’s death in 1983, Dr. Kwali died in Minna on 12th August, 1984 at the age of 59. She was married but had no child as at the time of her death. Many of her students of pottery took over and continued the art of pottery at the Abuja Pottery Training Center after her demise.


She remains the only Nigerian woman whose picture is printed on the Naira note – a photo showing Dr. Ladi Kwali seated as she engaged in the delicate craft of pottery is displayed at the back N20 note. Although this recognition of Dr. Kwali’s great works of arts and pottery by the Nigerian government is commendable, more have to be done in view of her celebrated invaluable contributions to the world of ceramics arts, ingenuity and the symbolic inspiration she gave to the womenfolk to pursue hard work, creativity, self-reliance and economic independence. In view of this therefore, the picture of this great lady should be moved to the front of the Naira currency – from the current back position – as is the case with the photos of the Nigeria’s founding fathers. In fact, the picture of Dr. Hadiza Ladi Kwali should either be placed by the side of Alhaji Mai Bornu and Dr Clement Isong images or take over the space that is currently occupied by the pictures of the two gentlemen on N1,000 note.


Furthermore, a day should be set aside in the national arts and culture calendar which is to be dedicated for the celebration of Dr Ladi Kwali’s works of arts, her pottery craft as well as the Black African heritage in ceramics arts; where exhibitions will be made and papers will be presented by professionals.


What a great woman! The ambassador of Black African arts; a creative potter of international repute, a role model and source of inspiration for the womenfolk! The world of art and the craft of pottery will continue to draw reference from the great works of Dr. Ladi Kwali, and generations after generations of potters will be inspired by her sheer creativity, dedication and hard work which were the hallmark of her greatness.


May God have mercy on her soul and grant her eternal rest.


Ibrahim Sanyi-Sanyi writes from Kano


Kissing away your dreams – Ike Amadi

A kiss may ruin a human life – Oscar Wilde

I find myself lazy to take my clothes to the dry cleaner’s. In order not to have them stink, I hand wash them.
Hand washing affords me the time to think over a few things, learn from the past, analyze the present and pray for the future.
Today, I was asking myself, ‘why does God let us fall into temptation a la “deceitful relationships”?’
And almost immediately, James chapter one verse fourteen comes to mind: “but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed.”
Let me break that down a little.

This young man has evil desires to kiss a lady, but because he is surrounded by spirit-filled ladies, doesn’t have the opportunity to. Suddenly, a stray girl, whose path is the highway to the grave, comes along and offers a ‘free kiss’. I can hear my pastor whispering, ‘Son, will you accept to drink poison because it is free?’
This lady comes around and the boy begins to contemplate, rather than flee youthful lusts. Before he knows it, she grabs him and he starts kissing away his dreams.
Sad. Pretty sad. But that is always the case. It has happened, is happening, and will continue to happen if not strongly chased away from our lives.
I have made a decision not to let that happen to me anymore!
May I not personally kiss away my dreams!
Later in life, you blame everyone but you, for walking into that pit prepared for you.
You claim you were roped in; you hate the person ‘the devil’ used to rope you in. The truth is, it was you who walked in. It was me who walked in. No one forced you into it.
People have walked that path before, and have escaped.
I heard a true story of a young man, who on hearing that his friends had paid a loose lady to defile his innocence took to his heels.
Perhaps another might have waited until the young lady, whose words would obviously be smoother than butter, comes and would pretend to fight with a naked beautiful lady.
But how do you fight with a naked beautiful lady and win?
Or is it the lady who works her way into a strong handsome young man’s bedroom, embellished with all kinds of drinks. How does she hope to come out of that place the same way she came in?
I am only writing to warn us – to be more watchful. Yes we are praying, but we must also watch before we use our hands to destroy ourselves.
The good news is that God always comes to the rescue of his sons and daughters. He always does.
Maybe you have walked into a deceitful relationship, causing you to daily exchange your dreams and purpose of your life for a French kiss, I have good news for you, help is on the way!
But why do we not always run away? We stay because we have committed too much already. Some have given their money, others their body. And that ‘investment’ holds them tied in that ‘deceitful relationship.’
If it be you that is described here, may God give you the grace and strength to break free – free from that snare of the enemy.
I release power into your spirit right now and I command your eyes to be opened.
I command that the tables be turned and a way of escape be provided for you.

Friend, look at the future, it is very bright.
God said, ‘I will make all things new.’
‘If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature….’
Trust in God today. Come back. Jesus is calling you.


Phew! I can now continue my washing and drying.

Ike Amadi

No Bullsh*t :Disclosure: I’m [Not] A Cold Hard B*tch ~ @subomiplumptre

I’ve been told. I’ve been warned. I’ve been threatened and I’ve been scorned. “Shosho, you can be so cold, at times”!
So now I ask: Is my [supposed] bitchiness a function of social dysfunction? A sort of facade to shield me from the brutal world? Or, is it an external manifestation of an inner pride? A pride that will not allow me to subject myself to lesser mortals?

I know that I tend to be more “head oriented” than “heart oriented.” It has always been easier for people to appeal to me intellectually than emotionally. But, as I grow older I have come to learn that from the heart comes mercy, love, compassion, friendship, care, softness – all the things people want to be around. I’ve also learnt that it is the height of humility to subject oneself to someone even if you think you know better.

Sometimes, that’s just the way it’s gotta be, if you want to achieve a common goal. In a relationship, someone can’t just “take a position” and refuse to budge. When that happens, it’s the beginning of the end.
Perhaps, I’m just afraid. Afraid of people trying to contain me, dominate me or put me in a pre-fabricated box. I truly detest tyranny, oppression and conformity. They are among the few things that make me weep. It also seems like anytime a guy says he’s not trying to change me, he’s lying. Perhaps, he may not even be aware of the lie. He just has this picture in his head he’s coaching me towards. After all, it is the nature of man to try to improve things and the nature of woman to accommodate and please.

Anyway, I am finally learning to love when it’s not convenient and to stop being afraid. Life is not about me.
I gradually feel myself thawing. I may never totally become a shrinking violet, I’m too analytical for that. But, my heart is a much bigger place now and is far more accessible than it used to be.

May I truly become a better person.

Editor: An updated version of Adesubomi Plumptre’s No Bullsh*t will be serialized on every Saturday.


Thank God it’s Friday. I hope you had a lovely week. This time on #opesays, we’ll be talking about that familiar topic, sex. So I beg you to please, lay aside all your religious convictions for a minute and hear me out. Think through everything I say and take the one you feel is beneficial and discard the ones you think useless. That said, sex remains the fire that plagues the world of man. You and I have felt it…that tingle,  that ache for someone else; call it lust if you will.

For me, when a great man says he is sexually attracted to me, I see it as an honour. Why ? Because a man is only attracted to that which is a reflection of his innermost self. That in essence ,tells me I’m a great woman. This theory holds true for every human being; you’re only attracted to a person who is a mirror of yourself. “Your body will always follow the ultimate logic of your deepest convictions .”-Ayn Rand. It can truly be no other way. Once you find yourself attracted to someone sexually, do not despise it, do not question it. You are that person and that person is you.

This is why a man who is confident in his own value, will always look for a great woman. Why ? Because she is harder to conquer, and that gives him a sense of achievement. Getting her will boost his self-esteem. For ease of reference, let’s call this the Conqueror Syndrome. For instance, I once had a discussion with a friend about the Helicopter Move.  I heard this term first from another friend’s article. The move is actually a sexual position where the man is on top and the woman is under him with her two legs spread wide apart (just like the helicopter blades).My friend had this to say about the move; “It makes me feel powerful, if I’m on top of a woman like that; especially one who was hard to get”.

In Church, I cringe when the Pastor , keeps saying “Wives submit to your husbands”. Now we all know they mean submit,  as in defer or respect. This Bible verse has been hammered on severally, with the Pastors leaving out the other meaning the Bible referred to. What is this other meaning ? Sexual submission. That was what Apostle Paul meant when he said this. It also goes further to say, “Husbands love your wives”. Does this refer only to the emotional love ? Of course not. It also means sexual love. So I ask, why don’t Christian men and Pastors hammer on the latter sentence ? That’s a topic for another day. The Conqueror Syndrome of sex is the same reason why good girls love bad boys or playboys. It gives us women a sense of achievement once we get that man that is notoriously hard to get. It shows you have conquered where others failed. With the Conqueror Syndrome , we all want to feel we got the best out there, the best person we could find.

Mind is always linked to the body, you cannot separate both. In the same way, you cannot separate sex from love. This ideal is a fraud, shun it. When you separate sexual attraction from emotional love, it is a disaster waiting to happen. This is why love brings you nothing but boredom, and sexual attraction brings you feelings of guilt and shame. Love in its purest form consists of these; 1. A sexual attraction for the person in question .2. Emotional love for the person and 3. The Conqueror Syndrome. If your love does not contain all these, it is a sham. Next time before you condemn your sexual attraction, do think about this; you will be only attracted to that which is a mirror of your innermost self. That said, have a wonderful weekend.


DISCLAIMER– You may be sexually attracted to someone, but that doesn’t mean you must always act on it .What separates man from beast is our ability to hold back on our urges.Enough said

*You can read the article about the helicopter move here >>>> Confessions Of A Lagos Pervert

Opemipo Adebanjo

@opesays on Twitter

This is a weekly column that runs every Friday. It is called #opesays. Join me to talk about issues that matter from motivation to love to politics to religion to life itself.


Thank God it’s Friday. And no , #opesays  today will not be about overly serious stuff; well not so serious. I have been pondering on an issue, a major thorn in my flesh. I hear stories of people getting married to their first and only love and I go, really? I envy their tenacity and the depth of their love. I mean, you met a man at the age of 15, and you’re still together at 40 ? Mehn that’s some serious ish.

I am not here to give you love advice, for how can someone give advice he has not taken himself ? How about us who are not so lucky to meet that special person at 15 or date for years? I call this the broken road that most of us travel; meet someone, date someone, have a fling sometimes,meet someone better, faded interest after a while, or just pure boredom. It has been called the Stopgap Theory of Relationships by Japheth Omojuwa.

You want love too and you want it to last forever. Well, what’s wrong with the broken road ? Having several relationships tires you out emotionally and even physically, makes you weary and might even make you miss that special someone. What’s good about the broken road ? Well ,nobody is good at anything the first time. It makes you refine your strategy, up your game and know what to look out for next time.

So what am I proposing? The broken road? No. The first love? Well, if you’re lucky; but not all of us are. So what’s the best option? Date them all! When I say date, I don’t mean getting serious. Hang out with all your prospects, go out to the movies, to restaurants. Talk extensively and have a feel for what their characters and personalities are. You can do this with several  people at the same time. Just make sure you never ever utter the ‘L’ word. That’s the golden rule of this method. Do not raise their hopes in anyway, you don’t want to leave broken hearts on your trail.I’ll recommend 7 months for this.3 to get to know them and 4 to see if you’re truly in love.Scientists have said that if you still feel the way you do after 4 months,then you’re truly in love. After months and years of doing this, you will surely meet the one. Then it will be time to commit, and you will do it so willingly without feeling trapped. You will know you have sieved through the soil and came out with a diamond.

I love this song by Rascal Flatts

Every long lost dream, led me to where you are

Others who broke my heart

They were like northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God bless the broken road that led me straight to you


Happy loving

Opemipo Adebanjo

@opesays on Twitter

This is a weekly column that runs every Friday. It is called #opesays. Join me to talk about issues that matter from motivation to love to politics to religion to life itself.

Love, a mystery through the ages ~ JJ @omojuwa

As old as man, as mysterious as his thoughts. As soothing as the calm that comes with sharing it with the one your soul desires, like balm for every point of pain. Flip it and it becomes the source of many wars, the path to the underworld and the word that plays through the brain of many broken hearts who have found shelter in psychiatric homes. That same Love is the cord that joins many hearts together. Love has its many parts. While it is what keeps some hearts going, it is the reason some others don’t want to live anymore.

Often mistaken for a lot of other passions, including infatuation and even hatred, Love remains an enigma even in the age of incessant technological possibilities. I bet you’d wonder how Love could be mistaken for hatred. Have you ever wondered why two people who seemingly hated each other ended up having the best union? Sometimes Love mirages as hatred. You think you hate someone and you express it with so much vigour and passion, only for you to discover one or two things about the person and the passion takes a different hue. It expresses itself, as it always was in your heart even when you did not realise it. You discover you are in love even when it had always been there to be nurtured.

Of all that has been said and written about Love, few come as ironic as what I call the shadow of Love. We ignore those who desire us and desire those who ignore us. We love even more those who hurt us and are often bent on hurting those who love us. We run after those who’d run far away from us and run far away from those who run after us. We are desperate to have those that’d rather have other people, and are more desperate to have other people than have those that want us so much. Love plays around like a shadow that can be seen and even admired but never to be touched or even had. Most times we are in an endless cause of chasing shadows, thinking we are almost at the point of touching Love, but never to truly have it.

This brings about a chain of broken hearts and broken homes. We love today and tomorrow the love seemingly sags when we suddenly realise we love another. I may not know all about love but I know enough to conclude that there can be no love without sacrifice. You can’t claim to love someone until you can firmly conclude that you can and will sacrifice desires that contrast with your love for that whom you claim to love.

You will never have the most beautiful woman as wife, because some day beauty loses colour and soon fades, and soon you are back on the road chasing another woman. It often comes to me as strange, when men have beauty as top of their priority in choosing a wife. You desire the most beautiful woman, forgetting that the true beauty of a woman lies in her heart. She is not beautiful a woman if she does not possess a beautiful heart. Miss out on that and you miss out on everything. The beauty of the body soon fades, but that of the heart is immortal. It survives death because as the evil that men do lives after them, the good they showed leaves the world with them and also survives them.

It may come across as many things but despite its seeming mystery, Love is simple enough. It takes faith to Love. It takes faith to decide that, despite the glut of beauties in the world, once you decide for one, it will be that and that alone. If all that keeps you in love is the beauty you see, then in time the absence of it will keep you out of it.

Find a reason beyond what is seen, find the path to the heart of the one you love and discover the power of Love. If Love is not seen but felt, what makes you think what you see is what will keep your love going. Love may be a mystery, but if your heart of understanding is receptive to the truth, you will find that Love thrives on the mystery of Faith. What then is Faith? While you ponder on that, let me help your imagination by saying there would be no need for Faith in the midst of certainty. Faith exists because of uncertainty. Being certain of what is uncertain. This is the true essence of Faith, and it is where Love derives its essence, not on the certainty of a transient physical beauty that soon fades away.

I thank God for my physical beauty but I thank Him even more for the beauty of my heart. That is the essence of me and whoever discovers that discovers me. That is the path to demystifying the seeming Mystery of Love.

PS: Published in my Facebook Notes, May, 2010

My definition of Love has not changed ~ J J Omojuwa

God loved, God gave

Love is the greatest gift God has given us. He is Love by His very essence – we can therefore understand why Love is the most corrupted word in the world. Nothing that is of God has gone without corruption by men acting on the influence of satan.

Love is so corrupted, it is difficult to trust anyone especially if that person is of the opposite sex who claims to love you. it has become what we are afraid of – afraid to commit to. Love has changed and yet remains itself still. In practice it has variations that are way off its essence. It is not what it is often portrayed to be. It is not a great kiss or an unforgettable sex. It is not bullish but gentle. It is not desperate and would not hurt anyone to achieve its end. When it is true, it is the greatest feeling in the world. I’d rather not say it than say it and not mean it. I’d rather not mean it than mean it and not express it. it is not dormant, it is active. It moves and makes you want to do for that who is the representation of its image for you – a spouse, a child, a friend, even your country.

Before you open your mouth to say “I love you”, understand the responsibility of loving another, mean it and act it. Love is an action word, it does. In doing, it is not proving itself to be what it is –Love, doing is just an expression of its essence. Jesus had to die to consummate his for man. This is my Love and it is as expressed by the legendary Apostle Paul in his letter to the Corinthians – the classic Love definition. So before we end up fooling ourselves and losing it, we ought to define and separate it from our lusts and personal missions. It is okay to be desirous of another person’s body for the purpose of your satisfaction, but it is diabolic to claim to love that person for the purpose of achieving your desire.
What is, is what is, what is not, is not and it matters not what you call it. A dog is a dog any where in the world, it is not a Lion. A man is a man the world over and nothing else – dress him as much as you would. Love is love and it will never take the selfish ends men have ascribed to it. This is my own Love

“My husband padlocks my private parts” ~ Chika


Chika (pictured on the left) is a Nigerian gay man who lives in Germany. He married Marc Schwartz (pictured on the right) a few years ago, but the union ended in 2010.

In an exclusive interview, Chika said that he’s back with Marc but… you won’t believe the terms behind it.

Are you really back with Marc?

Yes, I’m back with Marc but under lock and key. He locked my penis with a tiny iron rope that hold my waist and is not covered at the back but my front side is covered with aluminum and I can only pee and clean it.

How long have you had this?

Four months now

Is it not torture for you?

Well, it won’t last long because I am thinking of separating from him. And I will break the key and divorce him and this time it’s final, because I can’t continue to be a good wife

So why did he lock it?

No trust, that’s all

So why did you go back to him after last time you complained of too much sex which was causing you pain?

That’s because I feel for him and also he always comes to beg. I didn’t know it will be like this.

You’re complaining now but were you blind when your penis was being padlocked?

I did it out of love charm not knowing I am imprisoning myself. I am trying to break that key and once it’s done that means I am done with him. I am sick and tired of this suffering and smiling marriage because he cheats and still picks on me as if I am a kid and yet padlocked me. This is prison.


Via Kenyan Daily Post

MY BOYFRIEND TALE #SuperBloggers by @princessimysola

My Boyfriend Tale







At age 11 I had my first boyfriend, I thought I’d found love, I was young, intelligent, smallish and adventurous.


I was alone and lost in the world I had been kept. And in the midst of the entire crowd, He found me; he called me “his ebony cutey’, he said he loved my smallish body; he said I was sweet, caring and fun to be with; he spoke sweet nonsense to my ears, and I loved every bit of it, I thought he was my kind of man, 3 times my size, well built, eloquent and a charmer.


I thought we shared something special and magical, but it did not take long (about a month to be precise) before I found out I was just another girl on the queue.


What could I have been thinking, sad but true; that was the beginning of my boyfriend tale.


As years go by, I have fallen in love, been hurt so badly, cried all night long, woken up with swollen eyes, let it go and moved on…


I have gone round that cycle over and over again, just as a lot of girls have, which makes it seem normal, but then suddenly it dawns on me.


It is not normal to cling to a guy that obviously doesn’t give a heck about you,

It is not normal to stoop your standards low because of some dude,

It is not normal to be in an abusive relationship and show a happy face to the world,

It is not normal to stay with the guy that cheats hoping he’ll pick you,

It is not normal to stay with a guy, who would not support your dreams and aspirations,

It is not normal to live your life waiting for the “ONE”.


If you do not know whose daughter you are,

What values you stand for,

Your worth as a daughter of Zion,

I tell you, you’ll fall for absolutely anything, and take whatever crap thrown at your face.

Like they say, if you would not stand for anything, you’ll fall for everything


Do you have your own dreams and aspirations?

Do you have your own personal standards and values?

Whose pillar are you leaning on (Man or God)?

Are you blessing or a burden to everyone around you?


At the root of it all is simply not knowing our worth, we have let the world draft our standard and put a price on Us.

And so, every day we go through life yearning and searching all of the wrong places for Love & Affection, demeaning our standards to fit in when we have been born to stand out.


Nobody can Love you like you do;

Nobody can demean you unless you let them to;

Nobody can take you for granted, unless you give them the opportunity.


It’s time to arise, feel beautiful, sexy, smart and gifted.

We are extremely special in the sight of our “Daddy”

When He created us, He took a step back, sighed and said “VERY GOOD”,


And so who are we to walk like slaves, when we are princesses in our father’s palace.

Inside of each one of us, is Royalty…

We have all been born Royals…


Don’t ever let the World Lie to YOU!


Simisola Agunbiade

Lagos, Nigeria.


Twitter: @princessimysola


Azeezah’s husband is a serial cheat. She found from reading his emails and text messages. She decided she’d mess up with his mind the next time he goes on a business trip.
On the fateful day, he had finished packing to travel to London. Then she came from across the room to hand him three packs of condoms. He was shocked. He was traveling alone and was wondering why his wife would give him condoms and that much for a short trip. So he says “Honey why three packs, I am not staying for too long?” She smiled and looked straight into his eyes and said “Sweet heart that’s fine. Give me two of them, I can make do with them too while you are away.” The man’s face went pale immediately like death was upon him.

The man did not travel anymore…

What could have happened that night?



It is not enough that a man be born, he must learn to live. It’s not enough that a man should live; he must learn to love and master to bear the pain, thrill and excitement that comes with love. What can be more exhilarating than to be in love? Though one must also note that to give one’s heart, is not only to give that person the right to love you back but also the power to hurt as well. No matter how close or how emotionally connected we are with another person, to a large extent we still can never fully know and understand another person’s design, which predominantly structures why they behave the way they do, their motivations, belief system, philosophies, passions, dreams and goals. At best we can only derive an approximation based on assumption of their full thinking process.

Come to think of it, an assumption they say is the least form of knowledge. The manufacturer of the mind, God, describes his own product saying. “The heart is a twisted thing, not to be searched out by another mortal: who is able to have knowledge of it?”

Questions relating to when you should make known or public your love affair and whether true love is blind or crippled has always and will ever remain subjective topical love issues. Love is a great motivator and inspiration in every relationship but the fact that we fall into it probably explains why a one time lover gets demoted to suddenly become “a good friend” like we say it when the whole thing is dwindling away into history or a foe when things become terribly sour. Maybe when we begin to walk, against falling in love, love might restore its blind sight.

“When you love, you love. I mean, do you stop loving somebody because you have different images? You know, Bobby and I basically come from the same place, you see somebody, and you deal with their image, that’s their image. It’s part of them; it’s not the whole picture. ” pop idol and six-time Grammy award winner, Whitney Houston, told Rolling Stone in 1993. Yeah love is all that matters and it does conquers all things, but when maturity meets with love, it births a superior orientation that makes one see common sense beyond a common tool in any relationship because it hurts to be left alone by someone you love. It hurts to love someone who can’t love you back. But what hurts the most is to end a relationship that was never even destined to start. For instance If a bird falls in love with a fish, where would they live? Who gets the fins and who loses the wings? It’s an irony. That’s how cruel but poetic love can be.

Many are of the opinion that if Whitney Houston never met Bobby Brown, probably her life would have been less tragic and far from a striking cautionary tale.
Even when we eventually settle with that bone of our bone and flesh of our flesh, the question of whether love is enough still arises. I’ve repeatedly heard those married for donkey years say things like “understanding, patience and endurance is all that matters” some out of their own personal ‘not so exciting’ experiences go as far as categorically predicting that you should at some point expect that your spouse will come up with characters and traits absolutely synonymous of a stranger, and you just beginning to wonder where on earth you got this person from. This is far from the image of love the media paints. They only showcase the feel good hormonal responses that bind two people initially, and then they edit reality away. “There isn’t a perfect relationship, the major point is to move forward” a married adult friend once stressed to me.

Let me share the misery of a man I read some years back in one of those Funmi Akingbade’s sex and sexuality columns on Saturday Punch Newspaper. This particular man was demanding for help to manage his psychological trauma. After forgiving his wife, he still had issues struggling with the mental play back of another man’s sex organ inside her. This happened after both partners in a playful atmosphere asked questions related to how they coped when both were temporarily separated by distance. The woman at one point confessed that she had a onetime secret affair. She must have summoned enough calories of courage most likely because she couldn’t hold the guilt anymore. In response to the man’s challenge, the columnist scolded him for indulging in such a risky fact finding in the first place and like you would expect, he was advised to move on.

And at the minute you critically consider the effort and investment that relationships consumes, and the contagious effect of divorce on the children and others. ‘To move on’ becomes quite a handy response.
That you love one another doesn’t really guarantee all the happiness, the feel good feeling will die and probably resurrect again. The long married says it takes a whole lot of conscious effort from both parties to keep it alive. In fact, that hard work and conscious effort is what they refer to as love. There is so much to great relationship than love.

‘LANRE OLAGUNJU is a regular contributor to



Dear Boys,
For so long you men never get it right when it comes to how to love us. You assume a very expensive Valentine’s day gift would cover for all the previous 364 days of thoughtlessness and lack of sensitivity to our cravings, needs and expectations.

For this purpose, we have decided that after all the day’s gift collection and time at the Parks and dinner, we will all go to our various houses. If you expect any single lady to follow you home, you’d be very much disappointed. That is our own way of stamping our authority on the relationship. You can’t fool us for too long. It is not as if you even bought us the BlackBerry Porsche that most of you even thought was a car because of just some N400,000+ price. Is that how much your car is worth? Poor things. You don’t wanna know how much your Papas are offering us just to be at their table tonight and you think one day of spending will get you a f*#*. Think again o. If not get yourself to Zambia because sex is still free as they just won the Nations’ Cup that you lot could not even qualify for. Weak men!

If you ever thought our lives and love depended on your gifts, why not even give gifts that’d last a life time? Why not commit your hearts to us? Why not reserve more days to share your love with us instead of saving it all for just a day in the year? Anyways, we will collect all your gifts today and even allow you a peck or two but any woman that follows you home is not a member of our Union and for any member of our Union that follows you home, none of us will attend her wedding when she finally gets married to one of your friends. Oh, you look surprise? Foolish you, you really expect us to to put all our hope in you? Grow up boys!

You need to be taught how to love but sadly when you needed to hear how to love you turned to Lil’ Wayne for the lessons. How else would you love without making a mess of our hearts? So as you express yourself and empty your hearts out today, just do not get your body too excited else you will have to do it yourself – that is the reason Vaseline is part of our gifts today. No games tonight till you all start understanding that we are the ones that make the world go round and we deserve to be loved everyday.

The Union of Single Ladies hereby declares a Valentine Strike tonight. We will be available in the early parts of the day to accommodate your gifts and share in your savings in beautiful parts of the country but whatever you did to your bedroom to make it overly conducive for some rolling in the mud sex would have to wait till you commit yourself to each of us fully. Enough of acting like little college boys without commitment. We know about #settingp101 so just as you learnt a few of our secrets, our own extra private lessons with the author means no games tonight. No balling tonight.

We are sorry for that thing that’d go hard all night without going in. Life is never always kind. Deal with it and think of making February 15 and beyond just as special as today and we just might think about it on our wedding nights. That of course if you grow up into the ideal men you ought to be now. Happy Valentine.

Yours When You Are Ready,

Single Ladies



It is true that the meaning of love has been bastardised and that people often confuse love for other things. Having participated in a lot of conversations about this man-woman issue, I pity how love has been abused. A man buys a woman a BlackBerry and then she is thinking, “Oh, he loves me”. To that, I’d say Duh! Similarly, a man that thinks a woman loves him because she keeps sending love messages to his phone and always returns his phone calls like a tennis ball thrown against the wall makes me wonder what the heck?

Except of course, there is something clearly unique about the relationship, you two had better sit tight and talk reality to yourselves. When the words “I love you” are used, only those who mean it know the gravity involved. Yet, it is not uncommon to hear the words “I love you” in between extra-cool giggles and from across tables in fast-food restaurants. To some of these ones, who mistake other feelings for love, less serious words ought to be used. And here are some ideas, though they may sound odd: words like lust, infatuation and erotic hunch are what many “lovers” should use if the truth would be told. If they were to observe absolute honesty and not tell sweet lies to each other, the word “love” would be forbidden in their conversations.

The ladies who don’t really know what it means to stick to a man when the bills are high and the income is low and guys who do not know what it means to remain faithful to one woman all the days of their lives do not know what it means to love. When they say “I love you” and actually mean things like, “Baby, I lust you”, “I am really infatuated about you” and “I have an erotic hunch for you”, they abuse love. The twenty-first century definition of love is a bastardised version for if it were not, many women would not marry money instead of men. And, many men would not call themselves “married” at home and still behave like sex-hungry creatures in secret places. Even ladies who do not know what love is say things like, “All men are the same. You can never find a real man these days.” Well, I am afraid to shock you but if that is your belief, your partner probably thinks the same about you. He is most likely telling his friends, “She seems like a home girl but I know my money is all she wants. So when I marry her, I’ll provide her with everything that’s within my responsibility and keep the game on outside.” Sometimes, these words are not even spoken to anyone before they are acted out in reality. Many times, the actors or lovers themselves do not even know they’ll do what they eventually do: moving from one relationship to the other, breaking and making up, finally settling with someone on the vaguely wrong basis, eventually fighting wrestlemania in marriage, considering divorce and the shameful other side or choosing to endure and regretting your past choices with the consolation that your friends too are going through the same. It is true but unnecessary.

Love is beyond a feeling. It is a strong liking that is independent of exploitation. It is beyond attraction. It is passionate and selfless to the degree of wanting to make a solemn promise. It is not based on what you can get. It has basis in a commitment to another, to hold oneself bound to them and seek their good on the platform of a pure conscience. Love is not abridgeable because it is supremely indescribable. You can only describe it the way you truly feel it; if indeed you know it is “it”. Love is not dependent on what happens on February 14 because when you’re in love, you try to make many February fourteens out of a single year. So, if it is truly love, the guy will not bother brainstorming for funny excuses or seeking how to recoup his compulsory investment from the girl’s body or scheming a forced break-up. The girl too would not start gossiping around or finding out whether friends are asking their boyfriends or making a wish list that only loot-rich polithiefcians can easily approve. If you are in love, know that your love depends on you and the other person and not on those who did not do the asking or “YESing”. Even if you’re in the wrong “ship”, it is ultimately your responsibility to decide because I have no business breaking your relationship. I can only warn you about the valentine feeling; the wish to run with the crowd; with those who may not even know why they are doing what they do. This valentine, many things will happen. Many will make more mistakes and the errors will multiply in their lives. Some others will get it right and smile when they look back in future. You will decide but whichever you choose, be reminded that love is not money or sex.

They are only elements for kindling your passion and renewing your commitment. And, they are best observed within the right context. What is right? Well, it’s your job to decide that. Happy Valentine!

By James Lisandro Jnr. wrote in from Lagos


To Love a Woman
Well, I am probably not in the best position to share love stories because I deliberately lack playboy exploits. But recently, in what harboured great potential for endless affection, I have skilfully played the role of a jackanapes. I have been guilty. Actually, guilt wrote me a letter and penitence signed it. They said in the letter, “Mr Boy scout, It is a sin to insult fondness; it is iniquity to slight her. Repent!” So, after reading those words, I knelt down and asked for forgiveness and I said to myself, “Insults are verbal assaults that are not directly punishable offences under the law. However, they carry more weight than many legally penalized offences. Insulting a man is stripping him of some measure of dignity. Slighting a woman is removing the confidence she has in you. I have insulted a woman. Whether fairly or unfairly, I have done wrong and it is wrong for me to do wrong. So, henceforth, I must let go of the will to react and instead, become a shock absorber. I may even have to make do with the role of a scapegoat. A scapegoat of fondness. So help me God.”
That was a prayer said heartily and honestly. They were the right words because it was not the time to tell Aladdin stories. Times of repentance call for sincere and deep sobriety. Quietness and humility are what you need when you are in a sorry state. You should even feel like you deserve to listen to songs about going to heaven and flying with angels in the skies. Not stories of how you killed a black-horned vampire who had a diastema-posited set of dentate teeth. So today, I make a detour. I am discussing the lesson learnt from a personal experience. At least, after consuming a book like, “How not to treat an American lady for dummies by Obama Hussein Osama in my dreams, I should qualify to give a life review about a yet-to-be-read text on Love or Non-enmity.”
In the Bible, Brother Paul said, “The things which I do not want to do, the same I do.” Sometimes, when we want to capture a terrorist like Osama, we are prone to “Obamaing” i.e. sniping at them. And, many times, when we want to cook food after work hours in a tired state, we sleep off and make a burnt offering for the whole neighbourhood. In other words, what we want to do, we, many times, do not do.
To love a woman is one of such tasks, at least before marriage. While the things I am about to say are not fixed rules, they seem to be axioms that have deep-rooted bases in the experiences of the diverse guys I have questioned. In the 21st century, loving a woman has deviated from what Pa Adam did; maybe plucking apples and tilling the ground. It is very far from what Bro Peter did; maybe leading her about, praying with her and buying her leavened bread. It is quite different from what my Dad did; buying her flowers, eating what she cooked and having a promising career. Some extremists say that to love a woman today, you must live for her alone. I disagree because I have two grown-up sisters. And while their “friends” don’t live for them, I know they are “their boys”. But I bring you a report of what is common in the talks of many guys. How do you love a woman? How? Read these lines below, noting again that they are not hard and fast rules.
To love a woman is to want the best for her. To not only see the best in her but to be patient with her until she sees it herself. To not take advantage of her ignorance or enforce your will on her. To incubate her dreams even when she does not care and help deliver them when she suddenly cares. To find what is good in her and make great comments about them. To share in her dreams by membering on her dream accomplishment team. To remind her of good memories and encourage her when she wants to stop half way. To be a shield for her, on your knees, in the place of prayer. To run her belittling errands like they are just normal. To be a teddy bear in secret while in public, they call you a man. To swallow the insults you would otherwise instantly rain verbally and instead, seek how best to put your words into her ears without letting go of correction. To buy her a blackberry when a mulberry is all you use. To love pink because she does and keep a low cut because she thinks it’s cool. To carefully peer at both sides of the highway before crossing it, because you don’t want to die and leave her all alone. To sit, eat and listen when she says so and run a gift purchase account because of her. To make her proud of you by getting a good job and living a decent life. To say, “you are perfect” when she tells you, “my friends are saying I am getting fat”. To always support her views in public except if they are VERY wrong and signal her to mute when she is. To never rebuke her in public. And, to do all these because you really love her and not because you just want her to say yes. That’s all. Nothing more.
It is a hard job. I know. It’s probably the hardest job there is. But some folks have a PhD in it. That’s why I keep asking myself, “Man, are you as ready as people always say you are?” I have a special response which is confidential. But I hope your own responses are good. If you have not been loving your woman, repent. And if it’s the other way round, well, think twice. To love a decent man is not as expensive anyway. But to love a woman, you should first sit down and count the cost.

James Lisandro
lives in Lagos Nigeria


When Fela Durotoye speaks, wise men listen. When he writes a book, intelligent folks go out of their way to get it. Fela Durotoye is one man you know loves this country and that he has shown in the quality of his thoughts for our growth and development, in the frequency of his words to ensure we are all listening and in his persistent actions to bring about change in Nigeria. In his usual holistic style, he goes beyond the obvious rhetoric to identify Marriage as the problem even with our national development. If the excerpt below is anything to go by, then I’d stake everything to say we have in our hands one of the best books ever written on the subject and probably the best by a Nigerian. It comes with numbers, statistics, facts and essentially the truth. I love numbers because even if men and women lie, you’ll always trust numbers to stay real. Here is where Fela Durotoye has kept me salivating for more. Can September 11 come soon enough please?

Take a bite off the book below…

Fela Durotoye... For the cause of a better people and a greater nation

Many marriages have crashed after successful weddings.
This is because the wedding is not the marriage. The best that anybody can do for you is to come to your wedding but it is your responsibility to deal with your marriage.
You are better off not getting married than getting divorced.
The purpose of this book (Mr Fantastic) is to ensure that fewer marriages are dissolved because the link between strong marriages and strong nations is so critical. For me, this book is an important tool in ensuring that fewer marriages break up because the family unit is the smallest unit in a nation.
Many people are in a ‘manage,’ not a marriage. They are only tolerating each other not celebrating each other. A successful marriage is where you can’t wait to get home; an unsuccessful marriage is where you can’t wait to get out.
In a successful marriage, home is your favourite place to be. Please note that ‘home’ here is not the same thing as ‘house.’ House is where you live; home is what you live in. A house is built by sand, cement and water while a home is built by Love, peace and joy.
So, how do we go from having ‘manages’ to have ‘marriages?’ It is not just the capacity to get people to stay together that is the important thing but also the capacity to get people to love being together. And so, if we can build strong marriages, we will build strong families; if we build strong families, we will have strong generations.
It is sad that some people tend to take their careers more seriously than their marriage, but the truth be told; there can hardly be any true career success if your marriage has failed. Marital challenges have been known to ruin the best career opportunities.
As you read this book, it is one thing for you to know how to assess this guy; it is another thing not only to be able to assess yourself but also to be able to ask yourself if he finds you intolerable or compatible?
I think that in the course of marriage, there is nothing that cannot change. But to bet that something will change may be asking for much. Always ask yourself, what if it doesn’t change? If the situation remains the same, what are you going to do? One of the most interesting things people say after marriage is, “He saw me the way I was and he married me that way, now he is demanding that I change.”
Divorce rate in America (according to Gulnar Nugman of the Heritage Foundation) is 54.8%. They say that 50% of the marriages end in divorce in the first five years.
It is amazing that even in the Christendom, 51% of the marriages end up in divorce. In 64% of all the marriages that end up in divorce, the partners were from broken homes. So there is a very strong chance that if your marriage breaks up your children’s marriage will break up.
Interestingly, it has also been shown that 80% of the young people who are in prison, come from broken homes. So, the chances that if your marriage breaks up, your children will go to prison or not be successful in life is very high.
It is unthinkable how strong the link between successful marriages and national development is, yet more people still go into marriage thinking, “I think he loves me,” “He is just so fine,” and all those superficial things. And then when its ‘crying time’ as they say, they begin to talk about the things that they knew were there but they didn’t think were important enough.
A broken marriage does not just hurt the persons involved, it hurts everyone; their children (if they do have children), their parents, their siblings and even their friends. This is the reason why parents need to buy this book for their children; it is the reason why friends need to give this book as a gift to a friend who is dating or considering a serious relationship – this is the guide.
This book is basically to get you to shine-your-eye now! So that you can see clearly.
This is the most critical time to stand in integrity and ask, “Can I really live with this?”
Marriages do not fail because of the things you can live with, marriages fail because of the things you can’t live with. Most times, people knew they couldn’t live with certain things but they said maybe they could.

When One and One remains One.

These 17 key areas you are about to read will help you discover so many things about your man. It generated the most comments on my facebook page when I put up an abridged version as a note. Interestingly, the comments were from both male and female readers. One of the most reoccurring questions I got was, “Fela, how do I know if the guy I’m with is THE RIGHT MAN?”
God has helped me to develop the 17 qualities of this dream guy. I’m sure you’ll be totally blown away by this Mr. Fantastic!
I recognize that there’s no WRONG man, but the one you’re with may not be the RIGHT ONE FOR YOU.
So as you read, ladies, evaluate the qualities your guy has and guys, (you thought I didn’t expect you to read it?) check yourself to determine how well you rate and make sure you give scores and determine where you fit in at the end of the book.
I have developed a model which we will use to effectively assess your relationship.
There are 4 ways to assess each point and you can only choose one of the four; the one which best describes your man.
I: Intolerable (It is absolutely bad, terrible): Score: 1
T: Tolerable (It is bad, but I can live with it. I hope it changes though): Score: 2
C: Compatible (It is okay, I don’t have a problem with it): Score: 3
A: Admirable (It is so great, I need to step up to catch up): Score: 4
So as we deal with each point, write either I (1), T (2), C (3) or A (4) and score accordingly.
Are you ready to find out if you’re with Mr. Fantastic?
Let’s go.

Fela-Tara Durotoye

Here are the details for FD’s new book, Mr Fantastic.

The book will be launched at a colourful ceremony in Lagos on September 11, but people can pre-order copies to get a double relationship autograph from Fela and Tara.

To pre-order, call 08055617348

There will also be book signings at leading bookshops after the launch.

Healing the Sores We Don’t Merit. Written By Lanre Olagunju

She came in with high hopes, and a little much more than a mustard seed sized faith. All she wanted were healing prayers for her mouth deformation, which has brought her shame and constant misery. But little does she know that Sokoto can be much closer than her own ‘sokoto’. Before she could say much with the same deformed mouth, the clergy got this strong nudge to ask her about her mother in-law.
With so much pain and reserved anger, she expressed that the memory of her mother in-law isn’t one she wants to remember, let alone discuss. The reverend again explained to her that the one who teaches him all things says that she has unresolved issues with her mother in-law. He persuaded that no matter how cruel or hateful she might have been; it’s right about time she freed the old woman.
She did all she could possibly do to ensure that her internal waterworks doesn’t bleed out, as she fought back hot tears. At this point, the painful videos of her mother in-law’s wrong doings brought her freshly cultivated sharp emotional pains of suffering. The deep unhealed sores were punctured on the surface and the misery done to her by another mortal who doubles as a woman just like herself were played back with clear motion picture sharp enough to bring back pains just the same way they were first felt at the point when she was afflicted.
For all the reason she could think of, letting the old woman be was just ok. But to be persuaded to forgive her, to her, is like giving her only heart to a foe. Of a sudden she lost the control to tame her tears and couldn’t but wail with such profusion strange of an adult. Amidst her weeping and wailing she decided with so much effort and struggle in her mind to forgive her mother in-law just like the clergy had persuaded. And almost instantly, something absolutely incredible happened. I mean something hugely amazing!
See, without everlasting series of prayer sessions, where worried prayer warriors cum prayer contractors sweat it out at loosing the same unknown demons they bind. Her mouth returned from the state of deformation. Even without the simple Lord’s Prayer. I mean her mouth, again became like that of you and I.
Immediately the woman left the office of the clergyman, something more dramatic happened. The clergy in awe went on his knees and said to the one who sees every corner of darkness much more than we see in daylight. ‘I forgive anyone who might have wronged me, including those I can remember and those I might never remember’.
Someone said to forgive is to set a prisoner free only to discover that the prisoner was you. There can’t be a better way to say it! When you hold resentment towards a person, it’s like being bound to that person by an emotional link stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to melt such link and get free, considering that we have great things to do and that life is short.

Forgiveness is the most difficult of all forms of giving. It has nothing to do with the pocket. Though, most times it costs pains and tears. It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend, at other times; it might just be hopelessly more difficult to forgive oneself than to forgive a friend. That we haven’t forgiven ourselves of something might be responsible for why we don’t see enough reasons to forgive others
I like the fascinating way Gandhi put it when he said “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” No one forgives with more grace and love than a child. In fact the most captivating thing about little kids is their intricate ability not just to forgive but to completely forget.
When we forgive as adults, do we truly forget? Memories that won’t vamoose from the skull easily are the memories of pains and pleasure. Since forgiving comes with element of pains, whether big or small. Therefore, to forget in the literary sense of the word, is an almost impossible task. After all, to forgive, one must first remember and move beyond the experience itself.
When we move beyond pains and bitterness, a freshness that beats the breeze of the sea brings joy and insight to produce positive results in that same area that once brought pains. The positive outcome brought about by such insight, heals wounds faster than any balm medicine can provide.
Forgiving won’t miraculously wipe out bitter and distasteful experiences. Never! The ‘forgive and forget’ cliché only sounds moral and I wonder how practicable it is. A healed memory is not automatically a deleted memory! Rather forgiving the unforgettable helps us to remember the experience in an absolutely better way. When we look those who have wronged us in the eye without resentment or any iota of bitterness, and then can wish them well, then we just know that forgiveness has taken place.
Follow this blog @omojuwa and the writer @larigoldd

THAT SEX THING AGAIN!!! SEX AND SEX!!! written by ‘Lanre Olagunju

The fact that parent neglect this singular responsibility is a reason why some started out too soon. Mike (not real name), my addicted friend, narrated that his uncontrollable sexual craving wasn’t his entire fault. He started out a daily sexual routine before seven with an obsessed maid servant. He’s now a little over 24 and he finds it pretty hard to concentrate on other smart areas of life. After all, sex isn’t everything.

At the onset, as teenagers, many just wanted to experiment. But, now that it’s known how sweet the fruit tastes…who will dear say stop? The chances to abuse or misuse a particular product is mountainous if knowledge of the product is without insight. For instance, an out-rightly able person might foolishly reduce an umbrella to a walking stick even on a Sunny day or while its rains cat and dog.

The craving for love has made many young ladies sacrifice more than they should averagely do. It will interest you to know that some of this tough talking, tall and heavy ladies with the ‘I can seduce you right now and pretend to never know you’ mask just want to be sincerely loved and cared for.

Whether it’s a man’s world or not, the truth remains that in cases such as this, ladies are most times at the receiving end. Ladies should know that the average wolf -like guy who sows his white seeds on every available porous soil still wants a very tight and decent girl for a wife. Ladies wise up!

If you naturally don’t have the urge to make sexual expressions, or probably you really don’t know that it’s just cool to wake up strong as a guy or nurse some itches as a lass. Then so many things might be wrong all at the same time. But must we give ourselves to every urge that comes our way?

If we check and analyze early, before the genitals begin to think independently and before the goose pimples of the body and brain set in (you will agree that at such point they can be very disobedient…lol). Outside the context of marriage you clearly realize that it’s most times a desire. After all, sex doesn’t pay bills! Oh less I forget and sound un-witty. Some ladies live large in school and get marks at the cost of their body. Even older married women shag their boss for promotion with the self consolation that it’s just a shag. Though, when we look into ourselves deeply, with the mirror of self respect and dignity, we just know that it’s more than that.

Gold circle or no Elegance! There are some rules that break us when we bend them. Since we can’t reduce a global village to a religious one-(even God won’t). Therefore, it would be out rightly pointless and uncalled for to advocate against condoms. After all, they are primarily birth control measures. Advocating or campaigning against them is just like throwing away the baby with the bath water. But the media hasn’t helped in some ways. When the condom adverts go on air, all they emphasize is ‘if you must do it use a condom’ without any age restriction. I have been thinking lately that If there are age restrictions for driving, for taking alcohol and cigarette, and they ventilate them in their adverts, shouldn’t there be one for condoms too? (Though that would be tough ‘cos it’s complex!) Or should we rather advocate that once babies are born, several cartons of condoms be gleefully placed carefully by their cot side as presentations right from the labour room, so they can’t but grow to become faithful users of condoms till death…. ptscheeew!
Anyway, if you must give away your ice cream generously like Father Christmas or as a lady, eat or drown in every Mr. Biggs at every now and then or perhaps, you just feel it’s cool to uphold didactic values. Importantly, we all should Know like Newton’s law stated that “for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction”. Some will be seen others will be unseen!

The tale that everybody is doing it is not just true; there still exist some who don’t feel that being hyper sexually active makes one special or that meeting a person and shagging them that same day before knowing their name is serious achievement.

Ashamedly, we practically live in times where nothing is either right or wrong. Everything is relative like we intelligently put it. But our core values as individuals helps to decide what is right and what is wrong, because in us all is a whore and also a celibate, but when we determine to make the right decision, a divine force bigger than us all helps us with our determination. It is more fulfilling to make conscious effort to uphold great values of integrity and strong self worth, rather than live a life that isn’t out rightly ours carelessly.
Follow this blog on twitter @omojuwa and follow the writer @larigoldd

In case you missed the opening part of this article, I advise that you read it here

MY DESIRE… OUR DREAM written by ‘Seun Daramola

I am far from the smartest woman alive but I have read, witnessed and heard heartbreaking stories as well as refreshing ones.

“And she shall be called woman, for out of a man was she formed”. I once read that the emotional, sexual and psychological stereotyping of females begins when the Doctor says” Its a girl!”. But I ask myself, “Is that really where it starts?” My mind is flustered and my heart burdened yet I hope that from this piece, drops of strength would oil your weakness as sounds of laughter fuel your heart.

In this life I live, love and do but I only live the tiniest portion compared with that of all women, not to mention, the world. It rains punishment still upon many women from scenes of squalor, to poverty, starvation, economic exploitation, illiteracy, prostitution, sexual abuse, infidelity, failed marriages, adultery, bad health, brokenness. The list could really go on and on. *Sigh!

A few weeks ago, I did put up a status, asking, “Who can find a Virtuous woman?” A woman of noble character, of moral excellence, a woman whose presence spills courage and not pride, a woman who is blessed with riches yet in submission to authority, a woman with so much to manage, yet graceful to her servants, blessed amongst many yet fears the Lord! I read this chapters a few weeks back and still it gladdens my heart. My favourite verse is that which says, “Her children arise and call her blessed, her husband also, and he praises her”. I am sold out to respect, in honor to whom its due, for how important is it for us to recognize and celebrate our heroes and she-heroes.

But, how can thou be honored if thou walk a path of decline? How can we be praised and adored if and when you praise ourselves the least (this however differs from been boastful), how can you expect greatness when you dream not of it, much less work towards achieving it? How can we expect to be what God has designed us to be if we continually disobey and just do wrong? I am therefore not stupid enough to realize that sometimes and under some specific circumstances, life shoots us the wrong way, life takes away that one important thing or being away, situations beyond control happen and we are made tools of mockery, pain, abuse and what not. More so, I ain’t dumb enough to say that reading this piece would make it all go away but I will say this, and I will say this loud and clear… “We are a beautiful generation, a spectacular group of humans, Strong beyond our own imagination, graceful as a peacock could ever be, polite as a child can be, Intelligent as any can be”. For only when we accept ourselves as we are, then and only then can we find strength for another day. Give no chance to your situations defining who you are. Nobody, except Christ can put a price on you, for that’s been taken care of a long time ago. We are PRICELESS. Look within yourself, smile at the Beauty within you, be thankful for who you are, embrace the strength and chuckle at the weakness for we all are work-in-progress. There ain’t no perfect person. Appreciate yourself so the ones around you can appreciate you too. Within us all is a source of spiritual strength, moral reasoning, financial intelligence, sexual beauty, and only when we accept, embrace, love, our inner self can we truly be beautiful.

Remember, never let the hand you hold, hold you down. Truly charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, so it wouldn’t be much of a shocker if I declare my love for past (and present) heroes. I believe in standing firm for what you believe, I believe in Grace from above, I believe in strength and wisdom. My love for Sojourner Truth is just BOOM…. I have read a lot about her and her fight for survival. In one of her speeches, she said “If the 1st woman God ever made was strong enough to turn the world upside down all alone, then together, we ought to be able to turn it right side up again…”

Together! Together!! Together!!! Again, I believe in the power of any kind of union. Girl-friend-ship is not excluded, especially if it’s to inspire, grow, laugh, love, share, help, cater, travel, teach, feed, clean, etc. As individuals, be sure to make the world in your own little way a better place. They say, a drop of tear, makes a mighty ocean and when all tiny-tiny inspirations are summed up, then the beginning of Inspiration is born. The true strength of a woman is tested when she isnt only strong for herself, but for another…SD.

And this type of strength, we cannot find in the shadows of pain, regrets, guilt and tears. Yesterday is gone, today is now! It would only be as good as you make it. Don’t be a strong woman who works out every day, one who takes pride in the appearance she portrays but be a woman who kneels to pray, her soul in shape and has got God leading the way.

It is therefore my desire that we find this strength from above, within and around. After this strength we have, then would we be able to call this our reality a Dream. To the “Adams”, there is no denial in the strength and knowledge God has bestowed upon you. So, I implore that you treat your woman right, love like the Lord commanded and she would submit for she is graced. Teach her kindly, and correct her in warmth. A few times, it is allowed to be angry but never let the sun set on your anger. Be slow to raise your fist upon her face, or force her down on her sick days. After all, out of a man are we formed.

I raise my glass in honor to all women of strength. The biggest cheers to my mother, sister and best friends.

This is our time. Let the movement of Inspiration begin!!!


LET US DO SEX written by ‘Lanre Olagunju

Apparently, there seems to be an unwritten law of parenting deep rooted in zilch-nothing but shame and secrecy. African parents can be too shy or should I say too religious to discuss the sensual gratification that brought about their existence and that of their wards. And sadly enough, our society is not better for it.

The existence and obedience to this un-rooted law shows when parents avoid sex related questions like a plague. It’s obvious too when they use irrelevant and digressional words to quench imperishable questions from kids. Little do they know that those questions won’t cease until a satisfying answer is procured. Unfortunately, youngsters get those answers from external sources-most times from equally naïve friends.

Can you recollect seeing romance scenes in movies and you ask ‘mum what are they doing’? And all you get is a “shut up”! Or Perhaps you get to hear something like “don’t mind them they are doing rubbish”. You probably would have revolted if you knew better, that how can what brought about your existence be termed ‘rubbish’? A friend once told me that his mum would rather say they are fighting. And that kept him wondering for like ever. Anyway, the boxing ring looks close to a bed- isn’t it?

I’m not blind to the fact that such questions catch parents unaware, but after the first occurrence I think a premeditated line with little details which should be upgraded as the child grows older should have been readily primed. Till date, I never got the opportunity of being talked to on this subject matter; I wasn’t instructed not to start too soon or when to start at all. And in fact at this point it’s absolutely late.

But how long shall we continue to keep sacred that which is ever paramount on our minds and expect the right knowledge to abound? Or how much more shall we talk less about sex and sexuality, knowing completely well that it’s one of those integral and crucial parts of our lives that affect other different aspect of our complex being.

In the late 1940’s and early 1950’s Alfred Kinsey published a research of over 15 years of intense study in human sexual behavior. His studies revealed that approximately 95% of males and 60% of females had masturbated at one point or the other. (Hey! This result is no justification for you to stay longer in the bathroom o…lol). The long and short is that we all are sexual beings (including youngsters). Dejectedly, parents are either too late to discover this reality or as the case may be, some never want to admit that reality.

This shyness of a thing is evident when mum sings words like “remember the son of whom you are”, when you are probably leaving home for the very first time, just as if the family name is such a difficult one to spell, pronounce or remember. Since the proverb is all -encompassing like parents will always rightly say, little do they know that this proverb is most times decoded by young people to mean everything including ‘study well at school so you can have the best of grades, that can at least guarantee you a good job (into the rat race). It also means keep good company and the host of other do’s and don’ts, including please o don’t start indulging in sex till marriage o… and if you must, please use a condom, and even when you fail to use it in cases of quickie or excessive ‘agro’ or whatsoever reason under the sun, just pray and ensure that she doesn’t get pregnant/ or you don’t get pregnant. You know I and your father are well respected in the community and we are also leaders in church/mosque too. I don’t want wahala (trouble) o’.

Hello! Who is wrong or who is correct, the coder or the decoder? The answer is, will you tell an all- encompassing proverb to get rescue from emergency when you dial 911 or the fire station? Pardon me that I’m answering a question with another question, that’s one of those things that makes me Nigerian you know…lol

P.S: Watch out for the concluding part of this piece.
Follow this blog on twitter @omojuwa and follow the writer @larigoldd

Men survive on extramarital sex written by Shode Olufemi

Most Men cannot have sex exclusively with just one woman, for the rest of their lives – not most Nigerian men.
Men are created with varied sexual appetite, some men can do without sex for a year, others cannot do without sex for a week, some would die without sex in a day.
A man who’s madly in love with one woman can still have sex with other women but still love his ‘woman’.
Some of the best husbands have concubines or mistresses, these extra marital affairs play a role in keeping the man sane and free of sexual tensions, especially during mid-life crises…see men agreeing with this.
If your man is just having sex with some sweet sexy teen or babe DO NOT WORRY, but if your man starts making midnight calls and exchanging text messages with another lady at odd hours, BE VERY WORRIED.
Before you choose your man, ensure he believes in AIDs, STDs and protected sex. That way, chances are that he will not bring HIV and other STDs into your life. My mum would say “e no dey show 4 face o!!!”.
Most chronic wife beaters are faithful husbands, they hardly have extra marital affairs. Remember not all – most.
Most ‘extra’ loving husbands have concubines, these concubines keep the man abreast on new ways of making women happy.
Your man’s mistress or concubine is most times not interested in you or your home. She has already seen your pictures and those of your kids via your hubby’s phone. She and your hubby just have a sexual understanding or partnership which helps both parties deal with peculiar individual issues.
Lastly as a woman, if you go all out in a bid to catch your husband red-handed cheating, you WILL succeed. Then what next? If you listen hard to your domestic servants in their private discussions, you will certainly hear them insult you, so why listen?
Judge your man by his responsibilities towards you and the kids, and NOT by whom he is giving ‘doggie style’ to at the office. Shikena!!!
…Hmmmmm…what more do you need than to pray for the grace to accept what you cannot change?

The Ultimate Graduation Letter: Life Begins Now

While work is the fundamental means of starting and sustaining a responsible life, hard work is the aura of adult responsibility, the reason why respect and dignity follow matured persons. And since late Pa Adam commissioned the need for hard work, every man who would live has found no reason to ignore it from the core days of their youth. But then, hard work does not guarantee the possession of a big and fat account, if all other factors (honesty, due process, taxes, tithes, continual education, social responsibility, family growth, asset management, etc) are considered. However, it is certain that appropriately channelled hard work delivers prosperity and in this regard prosperity means consistent increase in the good tidings one’s life brings to their environment overtime; the positive condition of not remaining the same again. It is not when you suddenly ‘hammer’ and subsequently ‘simmer down’. It is when you do what should be done and get what should be gotten. Adults increase in human value and gain innate fulfilment when they earn a good living and are able to contribute to the betterment of other lives around them. This inward feeling is the reason why you are reading this article; the cause of my writing. When times are hard, as they sometimes are in Nigeria, ordinary work may not be enough. So, wise adults subscribe to hard work. Without work, we are unfulfilled, the society decays and the future is colourless. Even when the times are not hard, hard work further ensures that a good legacy is left behind. Our lives have begun, so friends, the hard work must begin.

In December 2010, we, the final year students of the Ladoke Akintola University of Technology (2010 set) concluded our final semester examinations and graduated from varsity. Oh, we graduated officially in 2010! But unofficially, it was January 2011. And when we did, it seemed like we had just won a war- a war that had lingered painfully for years. For most, it marked the survival of a seemingly everlasting pain; a pain created by the burning of candle wicks, charging of rechargeable lamps and fuelling of kerosene lanterns to study on cold nights in the midst of hungry mosquitoes at distant lecture theatres and the compulsory choice to survive diverse institutionalised improprieties; a pain sustained by intermittent strike actions, unfound results and wide tuition fee increments. For them, it was a mixture of joyful and hellish experiences. For others, among whom I membered, it was the ignition of new fire for a different phase in the same race. On the day we had our final common (telecoms and power combined) paper, everyone looked gay and our strict lecturers seemed friendlier. They referred to us as their colleagues but the conservative part of us listened to the kind remarks unbelievably. Personally, I was just thinking about Entrepreneurship, my final paper after Electromagnetism. I should have it three hours later and knowing well that the management faculty had proven to not regard good practice of time management, I bothered myself with when the stipulated venues would be pasted- if they were ever going to be pasted. The thing is, during our time, MGS lectures were never certain. If we had them, we must have started late. Mayowa Adewumi, Segun Alawode, Gbenga Adedeji, Olaide Olawuwo and Seun Kupoluyi could perhaps bear witness to this. We were the only folks from EEE. Every other “fire fellow” had been wooed by the Civil Engineering Practices course. Nevertheless, now that all the MGSes, EEEs, MEEs, SWEPs and SIWES etc, have been exhausted, what’s next? Time has flown and in 5 years of undergraduate EEE studies, no less than 98 courses have been done with almost 234 units being fought for. But then, life has really begun.

In reminiscence of my studentship in LAUTECH, I recall that school was once the 7th best University in Nigeria after being the best state University twice and the most rapidly developing Varsity once. Ah! Maybe that was why two grown-up governors had suddenly unsolvable ownership problems over us. Well, all those ratings should matter but somehow, they did not mean much. About that time, people studying in Harvard, Caltech and Oxford had described to me what their curricula looked like. And one time, after browsing through MIT’s online courseware, I realized that to catch up with someone studying there, LAUTECH students would have to neglect many of the things they were taught in school, and/or read more impossibly. Yes, “more” is made up four alphabets but if you were to do a personal upgrade, the depth of what you would read was bulkier. Added to our many aged photocopies, you’d probably be doing a PhD study as an underGrad. It is at this point that wonderful folks like Minister, Sister Mary, Bro Laide and Ozone should be thanked for sparing time to administer the much-needed photocopies provided. Yet, that final day after EEE508, as we chorused, “Congratulations” to one another, taking pictures, laughing and saying prolonged goodbyes, I briefly recalled that indeed, it was an occasion of victory at last.

The victory had come and it was well-deserved. Our triumph was over the seasons when untimely lectures and unclear photocopies were served on our academic plates. It was over the strikes which had occurred each year we spent in school, starting from PDSP. It was over the need to understand theories at night classes when timetables were doubtful and necessary lectures ate out of our pre-examination time. It was over the occasional misfortune of having to cram ambiguous worked examples into the exam halls and being fearful when Minister distributed our results. There were times when you wrote exams with your heart in your mouth and your mind in the past, trying to remember faded and lengthy formulas. I know we have had several other victories but really, these triumphs seem most glorious. Our lives have begun. We have finished the saga of theory with inadequate practical. We have heard and read about fibre, microwave and transmission lines, now I pray that we will improve them. We have learnt how to use Smith’s chart so if we find ourselves in places where they’re used, I hope we’d apply the theory.

On a benedictory note, let’s remind ourselves that self-education is now the key to relevance. In this environment where many facets of leadership favour corruption, a Nigerian university graduate who does not value self-education will self-destruct quietly. I say quietly because his colleagues may not even know he is decaying, if his job is basically an unchanging routine work. So, beware! Guys, invest in yourself and your future. Ladies, plan more for your marriage (which should last forever) than for your wedding (which will last no more than many hours in one day of your long life). And, need I remind you that the government of our land does not have an adequate plan for us? No, they don’t and probably can’t for now. They can’t because Manslaughter, Kidnapping and Bombing are almost becoming some people’s hobbies while mismanagement at all ramifications has been added to our culture. As the bad examples among our leaders age away, these problems are the heritage they leave behind. These created problems are your challenges and my challenges. To solve them, we must know more than they knew and avoid some of the things they did. That is a Herculean task. But, may God help us all.

Our generation is the unlucky one posed with the challenges of a stunted educational system, non-functional research facilities, institutionalised corruption, extreme insecurity, decadent moral system, phoney religious parastatals (in their thousands), unbalanced utilization of natural resources and a tendency to have always have diverse misunderstandings with the woman you love. LOL! Friends, whatever path you choose, begin with honesty and have a good legacy at heart. But against the many identified and unnamed odds, I beseech you to fear God and always be someone we will all be proud of. Knowing that the times are hard and the country looks bad, I pray that tomorrow will open greater doors unto us all. Yesterday, we were Ladokites. Today, we are alumni and alumna. And tomorrow, we will be in the deep of our lives. So, I invest this moment in saying, “Best of luck! God bless you all! And God bless our country”. Kudos to my favourite lecturers: Engineers Electrode, Busta, Mummy Agunlejika, Oseni, Dr. Ojo, Dr. Adeyemo and Engineer Seye. And to my many wonderful friends, may jollification occur when next we meet. But now, go and serve the land of your fathers! Go and live the much anticipated future! Go and live your life, it has begun. Ire o!

Penned by: Ayodeji Morakinyo (Moraks), EEE graduate LAUTECH, 2010 Set.


It’s been a while on this front. Matters of the State must come before this blog as this is just my way of diluting the seriousness of my thoughts. That is not to say matters of relationships are less important, they aren’t but they don’t occupy the same space in my mental city as say the unfolding realities of our new government. Now, straight to The Stopgap Theory.

The Stopgap Theory (SGT) states and I quote; A person will only remain your unmarried partner for as long as it takes to find someone else who loves him/her as much as you do and with the same assurances that you provide but with better resources and/or prospects for the future.

The above theory has been tested for five years and has not for once come up short in the discussions I have had with sincere people and most importantly in the realities I have seen over the years. If you have been following this blog, you’ll understand the examples I gave to show this theory at play. Let me also state that it is not a bad thing – at least as far as my own convictions on personal preferences go. It would only be a bad thing for me if the Stopgap effect lasts into marriage. I believe that once a man and a woman are married, their business should be about learning to grow into the ultimate beings each person would desire daily even if they lived for a century more after the marriage. I don’t believe in what I call karakata (commercial) marriage, where every seemingly bad experience spurs you to want to change your partner – like I would rush to change my BIS service provider if one refuses to act up with me. Marriage should not be that way. Once you decide this is the person, I believe the games and the antics should stop, or better than playing games as a married person, stay out of it entirely, stay single. Marriage is not a fundamental human right. It is not compulsory to be married!

The Stopgap Theory is a theory and not a law because no matter how prevalent or how much it has proven to be true, it does not apply to 100 per cent of relationships. There will always be men and women who will stick to you no matter what, irrespective of the conditions as long as you don’t push them out yourself. These are a rare breed and if you find or have one, cherish, love and protect them as they are more endangered than good men in Nigerian politics. As for those whose lives are a reflection of this theory, no qualms, just be ready to take it on the chin when you are on the receiving end of its effects. As for me, I’d rather avoid the stopgap crap entirely by waiting. If you don’t fit the bill, we don’t date! If we date, then you are not my stopgap, you are the real deal. I don’t do relationships except I feel “This Is It”, it takes friendship to show that for me, hence my friendships with quite a select group of ladies and as long as I haven’t felt the This Is It effect, the gates of strategic friendships remain open. We don’t have to be in a relationship to take ourselves out, to share intimate thoughts and bla bla bla *coughs *coughs. See, this is my point, it will hurt to find that someone actually played you as a Stopgap, so won’t it be better to call a spade a spade –friendship – until it evolves into a spoon-like instrument that takes things to the mouth and offers refreshment to the body and the soul?

Whether or not you admit it, everyday of your relationship with that guy or lady is a day that asks again, “is s/he the one?” and the question gains more significance after a squabble, a major quarrel or an act of infidelity or even inability sef>>> Inability in all its denotations and connotations.

Yesterday on twitter the hash tag #youknowyouareasiderunswhen provided some pointers to the reality of being a Stopgap as the answers poured in, some of them unprintable but true. You know you are not his or hers most of the time if you ain’t, but people like to fight lost battles. A battle where you’ve been defeated before it even gets started. I don’t have the space to write the signs that show you are someone’s Stopgap, but most of the time Stopgaps are aware of their position in the unhealthy relationship. You cannot be with a man or woman who truly and wholeheartedly wants you for the long stretch into the twilight of his or her years without knowing it. First the words will always show it as people speak to people based on the value they place on them (these words count over a long time not a quickfix time at the cinema or dinner), actions prove it because out of the abundance of his/her words, s/he acts and the bottom line lies in your position with his/her inner circle including his/her parents, siblings and friends. Of course this is no guarantee as it’s even a strategy for some boys to get their urgings satisfied quickly. Loool.

Open and shine your eyes, open your soul to the realities of where your relationship is and do yourself the honours. It never feels right to be used and dumped but most of the time, your insistence on keeping what does not belong to you leads to that. Every heart shall find its match, every lock will find its key and every hole will find its peg and when you do, you know you are both unstoppable as the SGT cannot apply to you.
Remember: The Stopgap Theory states that a person will only remain your unmarried partner for as long as it takes to find someone else who loves him/her as much as you do and with the same assurances that you provide, but with better resources and/or prospects for the future.

I bobo you not, this is the koko. Happy searching and happy discoveries.

You can follow Japheth Omojuwa on twitter, @omojuwa is the handle. If you are not on twitter…oh well it’s fine. *sighs

‘Na wa o, you’re not even a naij girl’

‘No, let’s go jor, don’t buy it o, I’ld manage it till i can buy a new one. Please now’ ‘hmmm you this girl, ok oya let’s go’ So we left the blue and white shop….

……skip skip skip…..

We are walking up the escalator to see harry potter..and he goes, ‘na wa for you o, which naij girl will they want to buy BB for that will not collect, she will even ask for BB torch, you’re not a naij girl’.  And I am looking at him, laughing like a crazy person.

…..skip skip skip…..

On the train back home, I started thinking, ‘do naij boys now think that ALL naij girls want material things?’  Is that what the Nigerian girl has become? ‘buy me BB naw, buy me credit for BB service, Buy me brazillian and oeruvian and chinko hair, buy me buy me buy me’…and according to one guy on my twitter timeline, ‘buy me buy me, and she no gree fuck’!  lol.. Life is give and take!!!!

I remember in the summer, Ayo said to me, ‘if I bring kia rio or picanto to your house and some other guy brings jeep, sebi you will follow the boy with jeep?’   Choi!!!! Say wetin happen?  And I said to him, ‘there’s more to a guy than his pocket. If all your former girls were taxing you like you are a ‘money shitter’ then that’s your wahala, but I am not your former girlfriend(s)….’

The point is, women seem to be satisfied with material things and forget the real deal..’oh he beat me but I love him and he apologized and bought me a diamond ring’ … My dad, that I totally adore (I think I will even buy my future boyfriend the perfume he wears, just so he can smell like him..loool…cheesy…x_x )…Yeah so my dad always says ‘if a boy says I will buy you rolex, say no thanks, My dad bought me 5 already’.

So If I allowed him buy me a new BB (since mine is half dead and i have to hit it ‘cos it freezes and ‘mistypes’ x_x)…I really don’t know what he would think of me… But I know that life is give and take. So one day he’s going to ask me for something I may not be able to give, then yawa go gas.

…..skip skip skip…..

I am really ‘feeling’ classical music now..

#nowplaying – Arrival of The Queen of Sheeba – by George Frederic Handel

Thank God it’s Friday!!! don dey near small small…


This chic called Omolola is @ it gain: Cheating/flirting

‘He cheated on me’,
‘she’s a slut cos she was BB flirting with him’ ( i do this a lot, I won’t lie) (covering my face)

So what do we consider to be cheating? Is it that point when your partner is penetrated by another or is it when your partner ignores you at Nandos and is smiling at some naughty text message?

Now my honest and characteristic No-holds-barred opinion!!!!!

If you are not boring and if you take care of your woman (or man) then he/she will have no reason to be happy-flirting with other people!!!

Be an “all rounder”, you can evolve and be versatile to meet different needs –
• THE GOOD WIFE – You need this in front of the boy’s mum! definitely!! Unless u wan pack comot!
• THE ASAWO – Now come on!! this is for you and him/her/or whatever your partner is – in the bedroom (u know how they say variety is the spice of life – no timetabled sex please!!) but then you guys should be sincere. Sex will always hold marriages together or crash them.
• THE HOLIER THAN THOU FOR TEACHERS IN SCHOOL AND AMEBOS OFF YOUR STREET – now this is just a NO NO NO NO ‘cause even these people are BADD!!! – (Teachers can’t punish me no more so :p) but you need this for church o! Church people will slice you if you portray anything less. Trust me, you don’t need the pressure and attention.
Okay I’m ballzing here but well…

IF YOU ARE SERIOUS WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIPS, YOU WILL NOT NEED TO BE FLIRTING WITH OTHER PEOPLE because from happy flirting, you go forget when you reach that ‘occasion of sinful heartbreaking zone” .

For me, Cheating starts from when you talk dirty with other people sef!! ‘cause the total package is meant for your partner, don’t give him 70% and 30% to your other guy friend(s).

AND IF YOU ARE SINGLE LIKE MYSELF (VERY HAPPILY SINGLE *cough*) THEN FLIRT AWAY, BUT JUST KNOW WHEN TO STOP ‘cause you won’t be cheating your partner -yes! but yourself – giving yourself false hopes and claiming that no emotions are attached but when the emotions creep in, you will hate yourself!

Over random P.S

The reasons I think Nigerian men cheat on their wives:

1. These men have no self control, that thing God gave them has its own brain that most times controls them though you you expect them to have the ability to tame it. LACK OF SELF CONTROL IS THE FIRST THING

2. Now women, when your hubby met you, you were all so so sexily dressed and stuff but then after marriage, you decided to dey wear bou bou and iro and buba!! ahhhh ahhn that’s when you should ginger yourself up jare ( sorry too much terry G) – Sometimes, my dad will say to my mum, “ahh your looking all sexy today o, ahn ahnnn, where are you going?” You don’t want your husband to be ashamed of you! So please make an effort jo!!

3. If they have Iya basira-ed the man! oh well this is no one’s fault but the man, next time eat your wife’s food!! (Wives please learn to cook if you can’t)

After this set of balls I just typed and yarned – CHEATING IS BAD, and TRUST is vital for all relationships!

LOVE DOES COST A THING (EVEN MORE) Written by Japheth J Omojuwa.

“think you gotta keep me iced
You don’t
think I’m gonna spend your cash
I won’t
Even if you were broke
My love don’t cost a thing
Think I wanna drive your Benz
I don’t
Think I wanna floss I got my own
Even if you were broke. My love don’t cost a thing…”

That if you remember is Jlo’s chorus on her post P.Diddy relationship hit “Love don’t cost a thing”. It sounds true and agreeable to the sense but I beg to differ. When you claim that your love does not cost a thing, it means it would be very much possible for you to fall in love with a mad man… God forbid? I thought as much! Remember even Sean Combs even said “Baby girl,I’ll trade it all…everything”. Love is a trade peeps.
The reason she sang the song is not because her love does not actually cost a thing, it is simply because the values of adoration and care Sean ‘P-Diddy’ Combs offered her at the beginning of their relationship, got lost as Diddy forgot about his initial value proposition and chose to replace it with money – something Jlo would care less about for obvious reasons. She had conquered that level of her pyramidal needs. She was at the level of love and affection. Her love did cost something but that thing had nothing to do with the material or physical.

Some of my positions on issues appear controversial but you only need to let go of your prejudice to see the truth behind some of these claims. To say you just love someone with no strings attached, is to say you could leave the person at any point in time even if you were attached to a string. Whether it is material or immaterial, tangible or intangible, seen or unseen, we all love because that which we love has a value for which we can trade our value to say “I love you and would be pleased to share my value with you if you love me too”.

Here I am not talking about right or wrong, neither is it about morality or immorality. I am talking about what is. Love is nothing less than a trade and people do not fall into it – you don’t fall into a trade except it is a fraud like 419. When you agree to love or date someone, it is an agreement that is taken with the consciousness of the fact that, that person has a value for which you would be please to derive some value. I love her beautiful, tall and intelligent. It means, if she possesses all of that and is willing to accept my own status of rich, handsome and influential, then we can strike a deal.

What annoys you about all of these is because I make it look like some kind of business. I am sorry to make it look like one, because it is one. The whole process of meeting accidentally and eventually meeting intentionally is nothing short of soliciting. You engage in as many discussions as it would take for both of you to strike the deal or go your different ways. What makes this different from the conventional soliciting i.e. paying prostitutes to sleep with them is that this has as much to do with the virtual as it does with the physical. With the prostitute, you solicit for physical satisfaction, while with your Lover what you get is all that comes with loving and being loved. Most of which are abstract and invaluable.

What happens if the person loses the unique selling points (USPs)that endeared you to him? The question is what aspect of the USPs? If what he offered you and the reason you loved him was money and he suddenly finds himself poor, what do you do? If during all of the time you were with him, he still could not offer anything beyond money, then even he would be resigned to losing you if he loses his money.

As a gentleman or lady, you have the choice of offering more than the common and something you’d always have and improve upon. The more the values you offer, the better your chances of staying in love. It is possible for both parties to lose consciousness of the real things that got them together, but it is impossible for them to stop experiencing the USPs and not have issues. That you can not place your hand on why you love him/her is not bad, but it becomes clearer when that charm gets lost because then you can point out his/her lack of it.

Love is not blind. It never was and will never be. It could close its eyes to certain faults but that should not be an excuse to false Love’s ability to see. It sees far more than hatred because hatred is narrow-like and prejudiced. Love sees clearly but even cherishes you more dearly because it focuses on what makes you her hero rather than what makes you a villain. No one is perfect, no one can be but some imperfections are tolerable while some could be the difference between life and death. Love does cost a lot more than a thing. Just learn to decide the value of your love and decide what you’d exchange for it.
My Love is priceless, but I’ll love you only if you value me as much.


Why Must It Be A Man’s World? – Part 3 (She’s Barren) by Omolola Olaleye

“She’s a whore, She used to sleep around, She’s a witch, she used her womb for juju” – typical African thing when a woman can’t have kids. It is so rampantly said it is almost an adage in itself. The mother – in – law, the neighbours, the village gossip, even the pepper seller will calculate how long you have been married and still you don’t have kids.

Yes children are a big part of marriage but not everyone is meant to be married or even have kids.

I remember my cousin’s graduation, some lady was praying and she gets to this part “Lord, as your daughter has finished her Masters, we now hope for marriage and children!” wtf????? I mean, they didn’t even pray for a good job but oh well. I am not saying it’s a bad prayer but please allow the girl sef!

So the typical scenario – It’s the woman’s fault that she cant have kids, but how many people consider the men. African men (including all those my chewing gum small small boy friends that like doing hard guy) are too egoistic. They won’t see the doctor because it’s an insult to them and their willies or they are ashamed. What the hell??? It’s for your own good. Their mothers also say “ahhh are u saying my son is impotent!”. “Did we say that?”

It’s a shame that educated people act like illiterates in the name of culture and tradition. If it’s not, “you dont have a child”, it will be “why cant u have a son?” – She can’t have a son because its what you put inside, that she will give you!!! (We all know the XX XY biology behind this)

Long story short, my point is when you say a woman cant have kids, typical stereotyping is that she was sleeping around, got pregnant a couple of times and had an abortion and now can’t bare kids.

Do men ever stop to consider that maybe their own inability to put “that thing God gave them” in one place is the reason they can’t have kids. It’s not just about having herpes or Chlamydia or whatever, its about what happens to you after you get STDs. So you think that “oh am a Don, I can twist and turn and roll and do 8 rounds, I no dey tire” – according to Juwon, “awon fuckaholic” or because your friends call u “Ekun”. Hiss! Nonsense and rubbish.

All these small boys now that are doing “fuck and go”, please as you are doing it, start thinking of your future oo!!. The fact that you can’t get pregnant now does not mean that you shouldn’t be careful! (‘cause I’d pick pregnancy over AIDS, anyday!!! – pregnancy no be illness, na condition! AIDS, na to die be that!)

Boys – As ur assessing the girl’s dichotomous attacker and defender, be assessing the fact that you don’t know where she’s been and if you have too, (all these boys that have no self control and use their willies as brains!) use protection! They can’t sing it loud enough, even people that know still say “ohh lemme just do, sebi its one, she wont be pregnant but YOU, you could lose your willy o! plus the baby may just pop out that one time!

The simple truth is that, we do things for now, we don’t think about tomorrow and the earlier we learn to make ALL decisions based on where we want to be tomorrow, the better for us!

Why Must It Be A Man’s World – Part 2 (Dating Ex’s friends) by Omolola Paul-Olaleye

A typical scenario goes thus; So I was seeing John for like a year and John’s ‘not so close’ friend, Thomas is asking me out 2 years after I ended it with John. But John is saying I can’t date his friend ‘cause when the guys sit to talk, they will refer to me as a whore!

But John has been with all my friends!

Please, please, and please!!! Tell me why i should not pick Thomas since I really like him and he does not mind that I dated John.

We are just a bunch of teenagers and we don’t know where we are gonna b in the future, so I should jeorpadise my potentially happy marriage because of a small boy friend I had when I was 17. You try!

Still goes back to the fact that Africans are very much sexist! When John was ‘doing’ all my friends, he did not know that I remain his ex, when i wanna ‘do’ his friend, then the whole Ex topic comes in! wth??

If boys are able to do all their ex-es’ friends without being tagged whores or male whores, perverts or whatever, then why should women be the whores?

My exceptionally silly friend, Ayo said to me “I want a virgin, untouched wife because people will not say she’s a bitch that has fucked around” and I said “Ayo, so if you meet a girl that had sex with her ex boyfriend, you will say she’s a bitch?’

To me, every woman is a bitch! You don’t have to agree or accept it but a bitch is a bitch is a bitch like every female dog. Some of us are just well mannered to keep our bitching and ‘whoring’ to men that we are in serious relationships with and others wanna make their commodity public. At the end of the day, I have a say in who I date and dating a friend of an ex should not be a big issue (except the guy has done something really and absolutely terrible, he is scared the woman will tell her new boyfriend)

PS: As for your thoughts and comments, mind that I may not agree with what you say but trust I will defend even to death your right to say it. Cheers peeps and live your life.