No one likes using public bathrooms, but everyone has to at some point. But it doesn’t have to be a shitty experience. Well, except for in that one way.
Follow this code of conduct and make life better for you and everyone who follows.
Skip washing your hands
It’s dirty in bathrooms, probably because of all the poop and pee. You may think you didn’t touch anything gross, but you definitely, 100% did.
Fake-wash your hands
You were probably that kid who ran his toothbrush under the faucet, weren’t you? Mom’s not here to check your breath, but come on, you’re going to touch other people with those hands eventually. You’re a grown-up now, presumably.
Text at the urinal
We get it! You’re “totally addicted to your phone!” You’re a big important person who can’t spend 30 seconds disconnected or the entire global economy will collapse! When people have their junk out, it’s not appropriate to be handling a device that has a camera.
Use the urinal or stall right next to someone when others are available/clean
You probably recline fully and manspread on every flight, don’t you?
Choose the hand dryer over paper towels
Using a hand dryer after washing your hands is an excellent way to fling poop particles everywhere. It also does a terrible job of drying your hands. A recent study shows that using a regular hand dryer can catapult 60 times the amount of germs than using paper towels does, and don’t even think about those fancy-ass jet dryers — they blast 1,300 times the amount of germs.
Flush with your foot
Touching the handle of a toilet is vile, and you don’t want those germs on your hands. Is flushing with your foot any better? Not really. You’re going to wash your hands anyway after using the restroom (RIGHT?!) and using your foot means that you’re basically putting germs on the bottom of your feet, which you might eventually track home to your own floors. You’ll also leave all the germs you tracked in there on the handle for the next person, who’s probably a fake hand-washer.
Go into a single bathroom or stall as a group
It may seem like doubling or tripling up in a crowded bar is the considerate thing to do, but multiple inebriated people in a small space slows the line down even more.
Sitting on a toilet seat with your bare behind, especially a public toilet seat, is gross, right? While it may seem more sanitary to hover over the seat or cover it with toilet paper, you don’t have to. The average toilet seat is cleaner than things like cutting boards or dish sponges, and you’re more likely to make a mess if you hover.
Fail to flush
You know that feeling when you open a stall door and see something sitting there that you will never be able to unsee? Don’t cause that for someone else.
Camp out in a stall
We know there are so many fascinating Trump thinkpieces out there to read and so little time, but it’s no excuse for forcing discomfort upon your fellow bathroom patrons. Do what you came to do, and move on.
Linger when someone is camping
If you stand right in front of a camper’s stall, that person’s entitled to camp. On principle.
Talk to anyone you don’t know
Fine, if you suspect you might be having a heart attack you are allowed to politely request assistance. But do it briefly — you’re having a heart attack!
Flood the counter around the sink
How does this even happen? Are you washing your clothes in public bathrooms?
Talk on the phone
Hearing other people’s poop noises is somehow actually less awkward than hearing their bathroom phone conversations. Whatever it is, it can wait.
Don’t do heroin anywhere. But please, especially not in public restrooms.