“I knew I was slipping when months ago, I considered stuff I wouldn’t even give a second thought. I went through a crisis that saw me spiraling down in fast motion. I made decisions that at the time seemed imperturbable. No one in my family or amongst my friends knew what I was going through at the time. I was strong on the outside but inside a ravaging fire was carting my soul away. I smiled, laughed, went for social gatherings, attended church services and was supposedly pretty normal. I knew I had to talk to someone, I knew I had to take a breather but each time I tried I went back deeper. Spoke to a friend once or twice but he clearly didn’t get the message because really I couldn’t even communicate what I was going through. I felt like I was on this high and I could just let the moment carry me as I voyaged to a world of oblivion.
Count down to two weeks ago, the walls came crashing in me and felt I was going to die of emotional and psychological suffocation. I knew I had to talk to someone. Someone I could trust, someone who knew who I was. I made one of the most important decisions of my life. I wasn’t prepared for the effect the decision would have on me. I thought I was messed up, but I was screwed. I have never been one to get depressed all my life but I didn’t just get depressed, I became suicidal. Wow! Yeah I didn’t believe it myself. I battled the strong urge of doing bodily harm to myself so it could divert my mind away from the pain and hurt I was experiencing. Saving grace was a dear long friend who never left my side. He reminded me who I was, convinced me I could be better and most of all love me even when I felt like the worst person on earth.
And then it happened, like a thunder bolt I was jolted to a celestial realization that I mustn’t stay down. Waves of strong emotions overtook me, I prayed and I wept my heart out. First I had to believe God still loves me and secondly I had to forgive myself. I looked in the mirror and said to me, “You are better than this shit. Don’t stay down, you can win this”. I had the redemption I sought for and I had never felt better. Still a work in progress but I am certain I will get there one day at a time”.
You see the world is not an easy place for weak people. You are going to mess up real bad, you are going to be mud splashed, ridiculed, cheated on, abused, and many other things but these things don’t define you. What defines you is how you handle these situations. You either let it break you until you are down and out or you break through it and claim victory. I keep saying this; people are going through so much that you have no idea of. It’s a crazy world out there.
Whoever you are, whatever you might be going through, don’t stay down. It’s going to get rough, tough decisions would be made, your heart will break into a thousand pieces, you would hate the image of you in the mirror, you would cry yourself to sleep, but don’t stop there. Break through it. When you realize that you deserve better, that would be a stepping stone to the best decisions of your life. Don’t care a tad what others think about you, what you have done or are passing through might be terrible and you feel like the worst person. People have done and gone through worse. Nobody is perfect, we slip now and then, and that’s life. The greatest defeat would be giving up on you. You can be better. Failure is temporal, giving up is permanent. Don’t let that be you.
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