The Opposition Won’t Leave ‘President Jesus’ Alone By Irabor Justin Ikhide

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I was three years old when he was born, so, yes, I have practically watched this man grow up. It is quite unfortunate that the rest of the world does not think for itself, so it becomes my designated responsibility to assume introspection for the passengers onboard this toxic planet.

I would give it to him: his expensive foreign PR has done some forward thinking. The very first publication about him was that he is some uncorrupt, unblemished and untainted redeemer sent to pry this country from the degrading quicksand which clutches ever so desperately and steadfastly to it. Quickly, he formed his own party, a band of pretentious people (and I submitted a document to SaharaReporters which exposes the sordid pasts of these ‘disciples’) who have often veered towards violence and zealotry – and that’s on their good days.

One doesn’t even need to dig too deeply into the archives nowadays – thankfully, the internet never forgets – to remember the highly publicized event from his childhood when his mother took him for Bishop Oyedepo’s Shiloh event (inside sources say it was to cast out the hideous spirit of a god complex which has plagued him, even in adulthood). As you will recall, he snuck out on his mother and joined a group of unscrupulous men, where he attempted – at that astonishingly young age – to misdirect them about the political status quo. I hope that you, dear reader, can see how dangerous such a kid was, that he could sway adult interest his way. Imagine how much danger the polity would be in the hands of such a smooth-talking serpentine personality?

There are those who would swear by his stellar character, but we recall that the first formal wedding he attended as a local government personnel, Linda Ikeji caught him drinking alcohol and telling everyone who cared to listen that it was actually water.

And, oh, how the world has provided an alibi to his lie. Several times, he has cancelled public appearances and I have published that it was because your ‘leader’ was too ‘wasted’ to attend. Twice I have been threatened by John Thunderman, that crazed special assistant on media. I do not have pictorial evidence yet to support my claim, but some of your ‘leader’s’ erratic behaviour would suggest that he may be doing marijuana as well.

Anyway. Back to the Linda Ikeji blog post. When he was asked by the blogger about the obvious glass of alcoholic wine in his hands, he lied. Of course, he would give such a lie – he was obviously totally inebriated at the time, and I heard that he even proclaimed to his own mother that ‘his time had not yet come.’

Personally, that statement was most interesting. What did he, a lowly carpenter from Otuoke (who was no more than a member of a local government council), mean by ‘my time has not yet come’? Ah, but the answer is more obvious than anyone cares to admit.

His Godfathers have been prepping him for a seat at the presidency even before he knew what a ‘constitution’ meant. I have had word with Baba sometimes, and while Baba says he is ‘my son with whom I am well pleased,’ baba endeavors to be properly vague so that his ‘son’s’ steps are well-covered from my fiercely truth-seeking pen.

Arguably, baba is the greatest political mind in this country, so I spared not much time trying to get him to slip, but dug further into his godson’s files. Do not forget that this Otuoke man stormed the house of representatives with policemen and whipped the speaker of the house, barring the house from sitting. What was his reason? He said they had turned the nation into a den of thieves. Hah! What hypocrisy. It will be recalled that when Femi Fani-Kayode wrote in 2007 that this man accommodated tax collectors with undeclared assets and that none of his party members had done time for their embezzlement, he had simply brushed it aside during a May 1st speech, saying cryptically, ‘there is no need to fast while the groom is still around.’ I guess he picked up that proverb from the crafty old tortoise, baba.

The elections are round the corner, and the Otuoke man will need to tell us: in 3 and a half years of service, what have you been able to achieve? His party is already clogging up as many media agencies as they can. I was immensely impressed with CNN when they refused to allow his propaganda air on their networks – although it begs the question: why is his party campaigning abroad, spending taxpayers’ money on people that are not even eligible voters?

Ah, he had an answer for that one as well. Recently, in a Channels TV interview, he said: “People ask me why I have campaign posters abroad. It is quite simple: my leadership of hope isn’t only for people in my country – it is for the world.”

I say, ‘rubbish’. This is a man who, I heard from Peter Obaseki, his special adviser on public affairs, wouldn’t even pay his tax from actual money from his own pocket. I hear he goes to the sea to pry money from citizens there to pay his tax. Nobody would publish these sort of things, of course, because Otuoke man is wise: he knows that once the media is gagged, you can get away with murder.

The other day, he mixed mud and his saliva and splattered it in the eyes of an ordinary citizen. Yet this same man has the guts to accuse Adams Oshiomhole – who apologized a few million nairas afterwards – of not being ‘public-spirited.’

Credit: www.naij.com

VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE SOLELY AUTHOR’S

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