Dr. Jona: Ehen, you are the boy that Rewben said wants to interview me eh? What is your newspaper’s name
Omojuwa: Transformation Daily Lies sir.
Dr. Jona: *Laughs hard* You people are corrupt o. So you have stolen my transformation brand eh. Later, they will say only PDP steals, see journalist stealing my transformation o *laughs again* Rewben see better person here o, later all those things on twitter will start shouting “the transformation agenda is not working” and ranting like jobless Nigerians.
Omojuwa: Sir, whoever said the Transformation Agenda is not working must be either ignorant or a big liar…
Dr. Jona: *shouts* Yayyyyy, that is my boy. Rewben, tell Reano to get this boy sapele water, mixed with Rays of Aids
Rewben: Ace of Space sir?
Dr. Jona: Does it matter what I call it now Rewben?
Omojuwa: Ace of Spades Mr. Rewben. The President was indeed correct. *rme
Ruben: *looks shocked* erm yes, Rays of Aids
Dr. Jona: Just go and get the gentleman the drink and stop wasting our time.
Omojuwa: Kind of you Mr. President
Dr. Jona: You see, some of these people you think are smart only get to Aso Rock to be exposed. Imagine him calling “Rays of Aid” “Space of Ace.” That is why I never allow my wife go near him, he will just abuse her English the more.
Omojuwa: Talking about madam, her eloquence continues to dazzle Nigerians. Sir, you must have spent a fortune on her education way back.
Dr. Jona: *smiles* I did not spend a fortune, I spent money.
Omojuwa: It is the same sir.
Dr. Jona: This boy, you just went from Mr. Smart to Clueless in one sentence. When did people start spending fortune? You spend money. Ok?
Omojuwa: *smiles* Yes sir. You spend money. I was beginning to equate Fortune with Goodluck
Dr. Jona: *cuts in* shatap there. There is nothing in this world you can compare to Goodluck. Money can fail, ask Atiku money failed him, intelligence and grammar can fail, ask Kris Okotie it failed him three times in political elections and twice in marital selections, popularity and influence can fail, ask Buhari, Genius can fail, ask Evil Genius himself. kidney can fail, ask…never mind; but Goodluck, Goodluck, Goodluck never fails. So, my friend, never compare anything to Goodluck ok?
Omojuwa: Yes sir. Is there anything Goodluck cannot do?
Dr. Jona: *drops his cap* well, Goodluck cannot be shared. It is personal. It can do everything else.
Omojuwa: Wow! Sir, that’s the shizzle right there. We can stop those guys that want to bomb us all out with your good luck.
Dr. Jona: Which chisel? You are stupid. I just told you Goodluck cannot be shared. It means, I will never get bombed because I am Goodluck but good luck to the rest of you.
Omojuwa: I was wondering sir, if you will never get bombed, why do you travel with 10,000 security men anytime you go to the north?
Dr. Jona: *laughs* It appears your level of intelligence is decreasing the longer you talk. I am the president, when I enter any state, people must know Aso Rock has been moved to the state. See, it is hawa turn, and we must show them we are the one in charge. Oyel money must flow. You hia?
Omojuwa: I get your drift sir. I guess, it is also in line with the Transformation Agenda of your history making government.
Dr. Jona: : Okay, now you are showing you are not that stupid. You see, the Transformation Agenda is our ingenerous way of doling out fresh air dividends of democracy. It is government unusual. There are many aspects I cannot bother explaining but Ngo my prime minister will explain to you. She has gone to Rio Centro. We will do everything the way it has never been done before. Everything will increase.
Omojuwa: I see corruption and poverty have taken a cue sir. Excellent! Meanwhile, Oga, why are you not at Rio Centro?
Dr. Jona: Yes, corruption in by queue now but this boy, does your brain work like NEPA? One minute there is light and you talk with sense, the other second they take light and you talk like Maku. What will I be doing at Rio Centro if Ngo is dia? Do you think I came to Brazil to attend sustainable development and green economy? We already have green economy in Nigeria. All Nigerians have farms, they produce green gas that help to orchestrate an attending confluence of conflagration devicing a reduction in the stratosphere which causes a deletion of the orgasmic ozone layer which will be controlled by gas turbines.
Omojuwa: Jesus!!! Okotie o!!! Sir, my head don scatter. Wow! Wow! Wow! Nigerians have never seen this side of you. Look at all the grammar and exotic show of grandiloquence. Did you attend the presidents’ briefing this morning?
Dr. Jona: I attended. I made sure I never missed all the important words the facilitator used. With my sharp brain, that is what I just said in a simple jiffy. I am more than Grandiloquence. By the time, I tell you the other ones of our green economy plans, you will see beyond the low, my high loquence is there too. What do Nigerians know, you tell them one million things, they only hold on to what Rewben told me some of them even call National Distraction Album.
Omojuwa: I know National Distraction Album. Your trip to Rio is number on the charts as we speak.
Dr. Jona: Yes, that is what I am saying. Their friends and families got bombed but they left the fact that people died and focused on me traveling to Rio. I will shock them when I return.
Omojuwa: You don’t mean it.
Dr. Jona: Wait and see. Open those dishes first
Omojuwa: *takes a walk to the table, opens dishes* yekpa, what are these?
Dr. Jona: Liver. Brazilian Rio liver! I have been told about its potency but Nigerians only know about Brazilian hair. *laughs*
Omojuwa: Potency sir? Are you very much inactive in that area?
Dr. Jona: You are a fool. I am not talking about that *smiles* it gives you liver. You can slap your father, sack your uncle and say anything to anybody after eating it.
Omojuwa: Wow! You will need to eat more of it o. you need to be potent. You need results.
Dr. Jona: Oh boy eh, are we still staying the same thing?
Omojuwa: Oga you sabi na, Aliyaro things. *general laughter*
Dr. Jona: On a serious note, what do you personally consider the high point of my first year in office?
Omojuwa: Tit for tat. That was da bomb!
Dr. Jona: *laughs* South Africa eh. It is true. The whole world stood and watched as we beat South Africa to submission.
Omojuwa: The expert way you guys were suddenly discovering all the South African sex workers was condemnable
Dr. Jona: Condemnable or commendable? If I don’t know every word, I know “condemnable” is used after bomb blasts *looks pissed*
Omojuwa: Oga Jona sorry, I meant commendable. Reason I am shocked when people say our intelligence system has failed. We discovered all the major South African sex workers in Abuja in one night. If we apply that level of intelligence gathering on these bombers, Nigerians will be happy o.
Dr. Jona: That will be hard. Those South Africans spend nights with us after cabinet meetings, the bombers are more complex.
Omojuwa: I understand sir. Zone 4 things. Oga Azaz already explained it when he said they were your party members.
Dr. Jona: Forget my uncle, I will sack him.
Omojuwa: I dare you!
Dr. Jona: *laughs* see this boy, let me finish the Brazilian Rio liver on that table, I will apologise to him, tell him to keep his security budget, we both smile and then I sack him in public.
Omojuwa: Wow! *hails* Baba o! Baba o. OBJ has nothing on you o. And people say you are clueless?
Dr. Jona: *laughs* clueless? I am a PhD holder o. I was not the smartest student but I had one of the best projects in Port then. By the way, my supervisor that time has since been rewarded with a ministerial job despite the reward he got then. I am Clueless, Alams go London, trap catch am, I become Governor. I am Clueless, Odili wan do Vice President, documents rope am, Baba compensated him with perpetual injunction, enjoy your loot till Jesus come, I turn Veepee. I am Clueless, Yar Adua go Saudi, I become President. I am Clueless, Farouk wey be James Bond last month, don turn to Shina Rambo today. I say all the most stupid things in a national broadcast but all they remember is MAULAG. Good, please tell me, who is clueless?
Omojuwa: *spontaneously* You sir!
Dr. Jona: *sharply* Your grandfather!
Omojuwa: He is dead sir
Dr. Jona: *looks sad* Awwww. I am sorry. I am sorry about that. By the way, did I condemn his death?
Omojuwa: huh?
Dr. Jona: Did Rewben release a statement condemning his death and promise to bring Death to book for the dastardly act?
Omojuwa: Oga, come to think of it, Rewben and Reano have not brought my sapele water mix o.
Dr. Jona: Don’t worry. I am sure he is monitoring tweets as we speak.
Omojuwa: He monitors tweets?
Dr. Jona: See this boy o, so you don’t know that is where all the anger against my government have domicilary account eh? Abeg, let him monitor. Reno will look out for one of those El-Rufai tweets, then create a story on our naija porn tits.
Omojuwa: You have a porn site sir?
Dr. Jona: *laughs* Of course. We have many, not for fun o. They are websites we budgeted N300 million for. Look, the transformation agenda is leaving no stone unturned and web sites will ensure we counter the negative news reports.
Omojuwa: Awwww. That’s ingenious. By the way, Tinubu and Buhari have been having too many meetings o
Dr. Jona: *cuts* Is that the first time? Is that the second time? They will met one million times, Nigerians may not vote PDP, they will still vote…
Omojuwa: G E J!
Dr. Jona: 2015 things! This boy you are smart. I will set up a committee to see whether you can benefit from amnesty programme.
Omojuwa: Oga, I am not an ex-militant sir.
Dr. Jona: You see clueless boy now. Who told you amnesty is for ex-militants? Ex-militants are big property owners in Abuja, they have permanent suites in Transcorp, collect contracts like Aso Rock Protocol and ocean ways protection. Amnesty is not for ex-militants, it is for their small boys and boys we see are useful for us in future but are needed to be kept in and of course to keep our party donors busy with money till the next election. Some of our voltrons on twitter and Facebook were promised amnesty money.
*Rewben, Reano and Marku walk in , looking really angry*
Dr. Jona: Ehen, what is the problem? Who did what this time? what is trending in Nigeria?
Rewben: Another bomb blast sir
Dr. Jona: Ehen, so what? Is that a new thing? Have you issued a statement? Go ahead and condemn it. Wait for all of them to tweet their rubbish first o, condemn when the airwaves are clear. We need to send a clear message. Remember the Governor to announce a scuffle.
Omojuwa: *cuts in* Remind and curfew sir
Dr. Jona: This boy, next time you talk you are BLOCKED! I am warning you now o. Ehen, you Marku why are you still frowning?
Marku: Reano just told me you are trending again on twitter because of Rio. El-Rufai, Ogundamisi, Tolu Ogunlesi and all the twitter Overlords are on your case again.
Dr. Jona: Marku you remain as dumb as you were when I brought you from that village of yours. Because I came to Brazil? That Omojuwa boy started it I know
Rewben: He has been silent o. Omojuwa is supposed to be in Brazil but from what we gather from the boys at the airport, no Omojuwa has left Nigeria.
Dr. Jona: Rewben, you mean you people added that mad, foolish idiot to our Nigerian delegation? You people are really clueless.
Rewben: No. he is not part of our delegation. He has joined forces with the EU and they are sponsoring his plans.
Dr. Jona: : EU? That means I must go to Europe next week o. Come, how do we get them talking about something else? I am tired of this Brazil mixed with bomb blasts tweets.
Reano: erm…
Jona: Shut up you! You are here to tweet and Facebook not to talk. You better do something about those curses I receive daily on that your Facebook! It was your stupid idea, now it has backfired. Rewben, tell Orontus to think up something fast about a distraction and release a statement
Rewben: We already have a plan sir. You need to do something drastic, something unusual, something novel and out of the extraordinary, something no one would expect you to do, but something all Nigerians will celebrate.
Dr. Jona: Something this, something that… You talk too much and that is not to say you know too much. Something like what? Just say your mind.
Rewben: Sack the Petroleum Minister!
Dr. Jona: Are you out of your head? If you are out of your own heads, I don’t want to lose my own heads. Sack who? Why not tell me to sack myself instead?
Rewben: We are sorry sir.
Dr. Jona: Not to worry, I know what to do. I will sack someone and then introduce the birth control distraction now. I have my game plan already. You all can go. I have an interview.
Rewben: Oga, should I not stay to guide you?
Dr. Jona: *laughs hard* R32ben, you really over value yourself. Do you really think you have been the one guiding me all this while? My friend, waka far.
*the three sad men leave*
Dr. Jona: Thank you for your patience.
Omojuwa: Please mention sir. Talking of Patience, how is madam doing with her classes?
Dr. Jona: *looks sad* Classes? She never attends. I have sacked seven English lesson teachers, na lie, nothing. We still kill the microphone before she talks anywhere, to save the children mostly. Wo, I have given up.
Omojuwa: It’s a matter of time sir. She just needs a little good luck.
Dr. Jona: That’s the saddest part, goodluck no dey affect English. If you gbaguan, goodluck cannot save you. Look at it now, she has gone to Sau Paulo to buy Brazilian hair.
Omojuwa: it is true but I believe eventually she will also be transformed the way you are transforming Nigeria. Gbagaun by the way.
Dr. Jona: *does not look pleased* Let’s be clear, are you cursing my wife?
Omojuwa: Are you not transforming Nigeria?
Dr. Jona: well, in our little way. I don’t give a damn what people say. Look, gentle man, time is not on my side, can we start the interview?
Omojuwa: *Looks very confused* Yes sir, let me log off twitter.
Dr. Jona: *shocked* Twitter? You have been on twitter? You are a Tweet too? No interview for you. What is your name sef?
Omojuwa: Jay Jay sir.
Dr. Jona: Jay Jay? No wonder you look like Johnny. Oya, get out of here. No interview for you, no amnesty either. Oya, run!!! Get out! You want to interview me, you think I have time for stupid Tweets.
LATER: *Rewben rushes in, meets Jona alone*
Rewben: They said Omojuwa is with you. Is that true?
Dr. Jona: How many litres of that thing did you drink? You are abusing it again Rewben. Omojuwa with me? Who born him papa?!
Rewben: *grumbling* Oga, that is what I just read on twitter, that you are together in Rio.
Dr. Jona: *shakes head slowly* Kai, this cannot be the Rewben of Guardian and Patito. See, just go and continue reading tweets and tell Reano to delete those Facebook curses. Nonsense! See my kitchen canbinet o

Diss claim am: *Obviously, any semblance of the characters with persons known or imagined is a figment of your imagination. The same way the interview did not take place is the same reason the above characters are strictly fictional*