Tag Archives: Vuvuzuela

#Pausibility: Gehazi, Vuvuzela-General And The Lesson For The New Generation By Adebayo Coker.

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tantrum

The diverse reactions that were triggered by the recent appointments of the President are funnily incredulous. Very soon we will hear Dauralization or Patriarchization. We voted PMB to deliver to us chenji then we complain when he selected his team. PMB has chosen the people he wants to work with; I hope when playtime comes he will consider some of us. September is a month to look forward to. My fear is that one of his aides has set his over-ambitious eyes on SAN(K)ship already.

Let’s move on to better things jor.

“Uncle, two fighting!”

I am sure not many of us know that our distress call of “two fighting!” whenever two brawlers unleash assault on one another way back in our nursery school days was actually embedded in our Criminal Code, though as a social misdemeanour. We throw tantrums once in a while but never should anyone be encouraged to become a pugilist. Since it is a season of roforofo fight – mudslinging – in the land, we must try as much as possible to moderate or is it modulate?

The Peace Committee has lost all peace since their return from the Villa the other day, hence, some persons must step into their shoes. God works in mysterious ways. We would have lost this ample opportunity of raw entertainment if they had not visited the power seat; perhaps they would have brokered peace between these elders: you know they are all about peace, however achievable.

A Fair Umpire.

Roforofo fight is a brawl, usually, between elder statesmen who have decided to wash their linens (dirty and stinking) in public, so we may not allow them to engage in a free-for-all because if they lose a tooth the state will foot the bill of its reconstruction. It is best we regulate in our interest.

I volunteer to be the umpire in this no holds-barred revelation, therefore the following rules apply:

(1) To qualify you must be an elder states (wo)man: a serving or ex senior public or civil servant, military and paramilitary, etc;

(2) You must know something about someone that you want to spill and be ready to spill without fear or favour: da public gatya back. But private things should be kept private, unless it is beneficial and elevating to the public;

(3) You must know some crass (‘gutter’) language, exotic English is also permitted: just capture the details;

(4) Whatever you don’t spill, but, if found out, shall be used against you in the course of this bout. It shall negate your point(s) to zero, no matter how high. Therefore you are advised to not hold anything back;

(5) The Umpire shall adjudge rightly without fear or favour, to the best of his ability, but if you feel otherwise you have the right to appeal but don’t abuse the Umpire. If you do, your elder seal(s) will be stripped off you, no matter how grand, with no option of appeal or fine;

(6)Your social media Voltron(s) may come to your aid but admonish them, sufficiently, to be as civil as possible, else (5) above shall be extended;

(7) You have a right to an Attorney, if you cannot afford one, the Public will contribute to hire one for you but the Attorney MUST not initiate any legal action by way of petition, court injunction, invitation by any agency(lawful or/and otherwise), against the Umpire. He is just a fiction writer: verisimilitude of arts is expressly a caveat emptor;

(8) You, automatically, sign into this bout if you belong to 1 above and take on anyone that belongs to 1 above, publicly;

(9) Your action may not be taken as whistle blowing, until an appropriate channel of communication is followed and further verification is made at and by @officialefcc office anywhere in the country, respectfully, respectively;

(10) Any other rule may subsequently follow.

Understand these rules? You can seek the service of an Attorney. If you tick item 8, you are already in. Let the bout begin:

Friday Vs Aliu

The flying vituperation, here and there, from one elder statesman sitting in God knows where in Abuja, and another sitting in Benin is becoming juicier by the day.

There is no doubt Mr Aliu needs to check his emotions and tame his tongue in quick spilling of some, what ought to be Classified. He is an elder statesman and as one he should know when and how to spill and when not to (application of proportionate action and inaction). We have the hints already that the figures are mind-boggling but what his action portends is more mind-boggling, therefore he should stop sending people to the clinic to check their ifunpa (BP) all the time because of his unbridled spilling. Or is his hue and cry an unofficial signal to his ‘benefactor(s)’, according to an elder statesman, Elder Godsday, to move their loot to a better safekeep? He should be told again and again, by whoever can pull his strings, that whatever may have gone down during these past days, the present-day anti- corruption crusade (the way it is going) would get so many elder statesmen tsunamied to a place they rarely dreamt of if they are found to be alaje banu. The fight against corruption isn’t a vendetta. He should just be diplomatic and advise the jittery ones amongst these agbalagbi to ju agbalagba lo to start pally-ing the Comptroller-General of Prisons; the CG will know where the best facilities are.

Ti oju akata ba l’ewo ko ki nse enu adie lo ye ka ti gbo; a fowl is misfit to bear the tale of a blind fox.

Let’s assume Elder Aliu is a (p)sychophant as described by the other elder, I doubt the latter’s claim (until he spills more) that the former is an AGIP(Any Government In Power); ilk of our Elegant Stallion (Rule no 4 stands). But let’s pretend we want to enjoy the blaring sound of a Vuvuzuela. This Elder(ly) whistle blower doesn’t have the physical strength and moral right to blow one to our hearing; In fact, the other elders in this elder’s homestead should have him bound till the overdose of the Viagra he took sometime in March wears off before they allow him parades the public space. The hangover of an ODed Viagra may take some time.

BTW/WARNING (UNOFFICIAL): Self-prescribed Viagra may lead to emotional breakdown. Sufferers may lose control of their passion. They can ‘come’ anywhere, however, anytime.

“Being leg by your EMOTIONS is a recipe for disaster!…

-Mathew Ashimolowo

Back to the issue at hand: The Aso Rock sycophant elder has given a sufficient response to the lineage-disgracing elder but he didn’t do a thorough job and as an elder he shouldn’t be found wanting, in any way. Agba kii wa l’oja ki ori omo tuntun wo. Mr Aliu shouldn’t join a large number of us to condemn unborn innocent generation(s) to the dark side of history. Not a good thing to do, though their progenitor is Gehazi. We should always be Christ like in our dealings so Elder Aliu, I pray he reads this piece, should initiate a move at orientating the other elder on how to proclaim chenji.

Honor and Obedience.

The Fourth Commandment in the Bible: Honour Thy Father and Thy Mother. We have been taught that ‘ honour’ extends to ANYONE older than us. There is also a part of the Moral Code that says to disobey to carry out an unjust order is just.

Some people will say honouring someone isn’t complete without obeying that person. They will even push further: “you cannot say you honour God without obeying His commandments”. But God will never command you to do evil. It is Satan that deceitfully leads man, through hedonism, into a pit of shame and regret.

A Presidential summon was honoured by you but getting there, he tells you: Mr Lagbaja omo baba Lakasegbe, I have heard so, so, and so about you therefore as soon as you get home, hang yourself by yourself. I am sure you will not obey such command unless that statement to commit suicide was laced with some gbetugbetu.

We have cases of parents, hate-feeding their children against the society, partly and or fully. Some kids might (blindly) suck the milk since it is honour thy father and mother… but greater evil will such offspring perpetrate. Rarely is there an exception to the rule.

Lesson For The New Generation.

My piece of advice to anyone is to honour your parents AT ALL TIMES. If they call you once answer them courteously ten times. If your father wants you to take your bow and arrow to get him venison, bolt like Usain, get him whatever he wants. If he wants wine please don’t hesitate to get him the best of the best from France (especially if he has stacked enough funds). But if he tells you to disrupt the flow of peace, PLEASE in the name of whatever you believe in don’t obey such. It is devilish and is a crime against humanity. Your father may cut you off from his estate but I know God will not punish you for disobeying an instruction to be a ballot-snatcher.

I am sure the children of the other elder that “would rot in jail” are still traumatized. The same God that healed Naaman still lives but I will advise that you call for a meeting with only the formidable elders in your family; whether god-dey or god-no-dey, just have faith that diaris God in whatever you are doing: appoint a spokesperson and address a World Press Conference. Make sure you unweb yourself from what this Elder yoked you with. Remember Moses refused to be called the son of Pharaoh’s daughter when he came of age. Don’t get me wrong. You are not denouncing his fatherhood: he remains your father but it is his action that you must dissociate from. The video of your press conference will trend side by side (if not more viral than) the YouTube views of your Patriarch toddler’s display of tantrum. At least people will know you are not like the scions of the Abachas, Gaddafis, Hitlers, Mugabes, Mobutu Sesesekous, Bin Ladens of this world. You will live free of his action. As it is presently, your genuine intentions will be rubbished because of your surname. Am sure some people will start brandishing that theatrical to blackmail you into some uncomfortable positions but if you heed my advice, you will enjoy considerable sympathy and you will walk with your heads high up. It is a much needed damage control.

I am not in any way by whatever fiat compelling anyone to take my admonition seriously but I am a corn lover. My Viagra works best when an agbalagba ties corn cob around his or her waist and shamelessly walks the arena.

Namaste!

Ps: am I getting hooked on the same coke as Pius Adesanmi? Check me into a rehab, please!

#Pausibility: Ambode, Lagos Is A State Of Excellence!

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Akinwumi-Ambode-350x253

My Dear Governor,

I checked my archive and found out that I have not congratulated my amiable governor on any platform yet, therefore I must correct my insensitivity to my immediate environment by extending my congratulations to you. Please sir, don’t tag it belated.

I am a Lagos boy who believes it will beneficial and great if we are in sync with the government at the centre; and I must commend the level of work done so far: quite an achievement in this short period. The photo-Ops tell it all.

But sir, I want to bring something to your notice. There is a road behind my house; it was built by your immediate predecessor, well-lit at night that the devil himself will have no darkness to veil himself with to perpetrate his typical devilry. Every night, even if there is no power in the neighbourhood, that light will come on. I have on many occasions, at night, taken a walk with my wife in the brightness of that light but today that road has become a menace as robbery activities are daily recorded thereon because our precious ‘ Fashola light’, as my neighbours will refer to it, is out. Not that Fashola took it with him but someone is forgetting to turn on the switch of those lamps, regularly.

The same story of darkness has enveloped Ikorodu Road and other roads. No wonder it is a huge risk to drive in Lagos at night these days that if you get home safe without your car shields broken by armed bandits that specialize in traffic robbery, one should count himself/herself lucky, not the kind that comes from Otuoke though. And if you get to work intact in the morning without your bag being snatched by some ‘phony Okada riders’ it is a blessing. Please follow @Gidi_Traffic to get daily reports on highway (traffic) robberies in Lagos. Also, homes and businesses are no more secure. The crazy Lagos driving is back as it seems LASTMA is on hibernation mode. Refuse collectors under the PPP arrangement, refuse to regularly pick refuse leaving the streets odoriferous for weeks on end yet they generate spurious monthly bills threatening to seal one’s property if payment isn’t made promptly: talk of regular payment for irregular services! The deathtrap on Lagos roads are getting deeper and increasing as it is obvious that the Public Works Corporation hasn’t been engaged as it used to be.

Let me hint you on some of the things I hear people say.

“We are not asking this Ambode to outdo Fashola because BRF’s shoes seem too big for anyone to fit into so quickly, but we will appreciate that he maintains, if he cannot improve on, the good legacy bequeathed to him; it is a Lagos legacy, not BRF’s”.

Hardly had that one finished his line that another one started, ” in case anyone is advising him to undo this Fashola man (who many Lagosians and non- Lagosians alike will continue to appreciate), for whatever political will and weal, he should be told that such adviser is pitching him against the people that voted him to service.”

People are already nostalgic of the Lagos of four months ago. Israelites!

I once told them that you appear to be a performer as your academic and career records reveal but one responded thus: “he only knows how to fold his shirt sleeves but does nothing.” They were making reference to one of your campaign posters. Awon eniyan buru sir!

Another one remarked: “the way of a Chartered Accountant is not the same as that of a SAN(d) Administrator”. I don’t know what that means. But I know accountants are not as good orators as some Senior Advocates but I know they are good at calculus that some of us will never venture. They can conjure digits here and there. I respect them.

From my observation sir, these people are getting wiser by the minute, especially the bloggers and social media activists. There is an ongoing awareness on the power to recall. Am sure you will opine that it doesn’t affect a governor but permit me to paint how it does the executive.

If I ask Hon. Desmond Elliot to commence an impeachment proceedings against you for below snail’s pace performance and he refuses, I will gather the required statutory signatures to have him recalled, and in his place vote an opposition candidate who will be glad to do the people’s bidding in order to continue in their good books. Imagine recalling all your boss’s puppets and replacing them with the people’s stooges: I am sure the Peoples’ Army will always win.

Some other person I interacted with said, Just Kidding (JK) would not have been kidding with the affairs of the state like we are experiencing presently while an ardent ‘Lagos politiker’ said:  Lagos is drowning and you don’t need to visit the Bourdillon extension of LASG to save her soul.

I thought the arrows were flying in from too many directions so I challenged one in particular “you have not even allowed him to settle into office before castigating him” but she rebuffed my defense saying they will not wait till this mess gets to the knees before they raise their voices: “It is better we shout out loudly now as it is already covering the ankles”. They said there is a working and workable template before you and all you need to do is key into it.

Lagos is a Centre of Excellence and should be kept at that.

Sir, take this exposé to Bourdillon and am sure the Lion in there will order you to employ me as your Chief Gbefila and I will go to town for you.

Unbridled Vuvuzuela.

I read an interview granted by Mr Adams Aliu Oshiomole, the Governor of Edo State, Nigeria in the Vanguard of Sunday, 23rd August, 2015 where it was stated that the visibly angry Governor said he may not be able to reveal much as he would have liked but maintained that if Nigerians knew what actually went down during the Jonathan’s reign, they would stone him and his cabinet members on the street…

Mr Comrade- Governor don’t you think that statement like this is enough to put you in the same dock as Patience Jonathan in the ICC? In case you have forgotten, we all mauled her when she called for stoning of anyone who approaches her supporters chanting Change. Mosaic Law? But we expect you to know better as you are not a shepopo. Tame your emotions gather all evidence and approach the courts. I am sure this time the course of justice will not be thwarted. This is so important so that someday you won’t come and tell us how the privacy of your bedroom looks, a talkative will end up spilling so much.