#Pausibility: C’mon, Shut The Trap! by Adebayo Coker
Published:9 Dec, 2015
Your Distinguished Senators,
I would have explored all established protocols in sending this note of mine but the last time I saw Senator Solomon Adeola was when he came with his gifts during the campaign rallies – DSTvs, Generators etc. The guy stoned the neigbourhood with his YAYI mobile phones. Till date I don’t know his Constituency Office. Rt Honourable James Faleke was so busy lately tussling it out at the Kogi imbroglio while he sits as my representative from Ikeja Federal Constituency, Lagos State.
I would have approached that lofty feat of a suggestion box of yours but I doubt the efficiency of the antediluvian delivery man and it is against all sense of cost and effect analyses for me to board a night bus from Jibowu to Abuja or an Aero flight from MMA just because I have these few words to drop inside your box. If I don’t get killed on the road by those potholes or Boko Haram, the ballooning ticket price is not for less-than-a-dollar-a-day writer like me. Even at that, I can only be lucky if the key to that box hasn’t been tossed into the river the moment you departed the gallantry tape cutting ceremony. Hence I chose this medium to reach you. Pardon my insistence even though I know you now loathe this platform.
I write to show why the Prohibitive Bill (whatisitcalled) must be passed.
How can anyone say No to a bill that will eventually be the best thing that will happen to this nation of ours since the very day Flora Shaw suggested the name to her boyfriend. How? It is myopic for anyone to carry placards and march the streets saying #NoToSocialMediaBill. The people that are drumming this hashtag don’t even know what they are saying. There is nothing like Social Media Bill in the Senate. It is Frivolous Prohibitive Bill. Some disgruntled Nigerians using platforms like Sahara Reporters have been feeding the minds of the public that the bill is all about gagging their Rights to Freedom of Speech. That is balderdash, lazy and unfounded. The Nigerian Senate comprises of men and women of impeccable character deserving of due and undue respect.
Nigerians know nothing about governance and that is why they have been offering unsolicited pieces of advice. They should allow you justify your earnings jare. Some notable Nigerians have even jumped on this bandwagon. That is not being fair to The Senate that is breaking the ground to effect Change. Nigerians with their flacks!
If you all remember, Dino Melying was one of us; all about fighting to enthrone this government of Change. I must give it to him. He starved himself of beating his many women for that period of the campaign. He went on the streets like a mad dog shouting and brooming change. The respected and respectable gentleman of note has even taken it upon his distinguished self to visit the office of SaharaReporters at their base, wherever that is. You have made Dino to forget all of that because the platform that he once fell in love with has been hijacked. I must concur with Dino Melying that truly the platform has been hijacked by Nigerians that are frustrated and see no good in a young man as his humble self to attain such a great height. They even forget to realize that everyone in his family was a lazy Jabez but he took it upon himself by toiling in the night and praying everyday, especially on Sundays (visit his Twitter handle on Sundays), and now that the Lord has answered his prayer by making him a king over his father’s household, some disgruntled enemies of progress want to start addressing him anyhow. People wey no sabi to hola a bigi man.
Please, spare me that story of Foreign Account. It is common knowledge that a student in a foreign University will need a student account to run on campus. It can be taken that Dino shuttles USA and Nigeria, a student and a Senator, respectively. Let me help you guys if that does not suffice: Melying has a body double. He is not the one in those accounts. So get something better to do jor. Let me hitch a ride on my Senator’s machines and drink his wine. Dino, keep dinning.
I wonder why a first class brain like Na’Allah is being disparaged by all and sundry. It is only drug users that can be desperate to the point of stealing whatever substance that looks like drugs; and there is no report so far indicting him as a drug user, so he may have been mistaken in the other report that is brandishing him as a drug- stealer. This fact must be must be established: that a man is not a powerful dresser does not mean he is not thinking. Again, if you had not blackmailed the National Assembly into reducing their wardrobe allowance, maybe you would have gotten a better picture than the one in public domain. In all, if not for the kind of society that praises vanities over virtues, Na’Allah’s outfit should not have been considered; instead his brain would have been dubbed second to none. I have always wondered the kind of brain Fani Kayode has,(though the other day I tweeted him that he allows his tongue run faster than his cranium and that earned me a total blockage on his handle). Na Lie’s Intelligent Quotient beats Fani’s. These are the kind of men that we should praise. I will gift you a monkey sir. Just reply this note with your address and I will have Konga deliver.
The Chiefest Olori oko bambam. Owo meji feyan kan. Se ko wa’le baba o! My most distinguished Senate President. Let me tender my unreserved apology for what I said about you the other day. I have asked via Twitter the other day: when your customers at Societe General Bank and Trade Bank will be reimbursed for your scam. I got a reply from one of your protégés that you have paid him though he was faceless. He as much as went ahead to abuse my household. My response to him was too involuntary. I responded by saying his principal, @bukolasaraki stabbed his father and that hurt led the old Saraki to his grave. The guy went mum afterwards. Now I realized that what I tweeted that day is abusive and in order for me to father my son without the blemished record of a prisoner hanging on me, I better tuba now before you gavel the bill to law. I have written what I thought I know about you on the surface judging from those your fiendish smiles but after some of your beneficiaries convinced me otherwise, I see no reason why some people in their prime should not be on your payroll instead of protesting your reign as the Most Distinguished Senate Leader in the World. I dare say they are clogging your smooth ride to Aso Rock come 2019. Please shut them up sir.
Heard you have stashed so much that a million Mangu sleuthing eyes could ever detect. Even when I hinted your followers about Audu and Alams, they shrugged that aside saying that you have placated death with enough ekuru, orogbo, owo eyo, epo pupa, owo Oyinbo and oti oyinbo. You have even built him an ultra-modern house: tenu baje oju a ti. Hence, Death himself/herself is now one of your eru ‘ku. May the Senate President reign forever.
And to all other Senators in support of this Frivolous Prohibitive Bill, I hail una. The want of space may not allow me address each of you one by one. The Alaso and the onihoho, I heard some people are making moves to recall you? Please DO NOT back off this righteous fight of conscience. You are fighting the good fight of faith. Soldier on. A day to your recall, vote that the Senate be scrapped jor after all, na una be the best that your constituencies can boast of.
When this law is eventually passed Nigeria will suddenly catapult to a developed nation where we will only protest over unjust killing of Jos Lion or over some statues not for lack of basic amenities or who is leading in this grand larceny.