1. Whatever works, works.
Just like being gay, bisexual, transgender, polyamourous, asexual, and all the rest of the spectrum of sexuality, if it works for a couple to have a mixed orientation marriage, then let it work. It’s their marriage and their relationship. How many of you would like someone getting into your bed and telling you how to live in your marriage?
2. There are two sides to every story.
Couples who find themselves in a mixed orientation marriage often feel victimized and repressed. When communication is open to discussing how each partner feels, there’s a higher likelihood that common ground might be found between them. Uncover the real story and you’ll also uncover the real answers to what you should do in this situation.
3. Determine the levels of desire.
As hard as it is to have this type of conversation, it’s critical to determine if this is a deep-seated sexual desire, or an emotional desire. The two are mutually exclusive and mutually dependent.
If the “gay” partner is seeking sexual satisfaction only, with no emotional attachment, then sexual exploration might be a space for the couple to venture together.
On the other hand, if there is emotional attachment and deeper connection to individuals of the same gender heightened by sex, then there’s a high probability you might be looking at a bisexual or gay partner. If that’s the case, then the onus rests on the partner struggling with their same-sex attractions to find themselves and come clean to their spouse.
4. Does wanting gay sex mean they’re gay?
Not necessarily. Sexual desires require many different paths in order for full satisfaction. It’s no different from the desire for the missionary position versus doggie style. One may desire a same-sex tryst from time to time to satisfy their sexual energy.
Provided the couple has open communication about their sexual requirements, then all that’s left to do is make it work.
5. What’s sex got to do with it?
As a society, we’ve become very sexually hung up. Sex is either a tool for procreation, a recreational sport, or a deviant behavior. Yet, it seems there is no room for “sex just isn’t my cup of tea.”
Often, mixed orientation marriages work because, for the heterosexual partner, sex is not a priority. Love, companionship, co-parenting, and social standing are the priority and sex is simply an option and/or obligation.
Ironically, those who’d like to throw stones at someone else’s marriage, especially those who’ve never stood in the shoes of a mixed orientation marriage, need to consider the following:
- Sometimes people get married for the wrong reasons and it has nothing to do with one partner being gay or afraid of being themselves.
- Marriages of all varieties fail and fall apart ALL the time. Get over it.
- Sexual orientation is perhaps the straw that broke the camel’s back, but no one talks about all the other straws in a marriage that were also too heavy to carry.
- Love does conquer all, even a spouse being gay.
- You have the right to live in your marriage your way, just as much as someone else has a right to live in their marriage their way.
At the end of the day, the final word really is: there’s 50 shades of gray to almost everything in life, even marriage.