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LEXICON of NIGERIAN POLITICS and GOVERNANCE – by Rev Olooshun @revolution_ng

LEXICON of NIGERIAN POLITICS and GOVERNANCE – by Rev Olooshun @revolution_ng

 

NIGERIAN POLITICIAN:

Usually a man, but sometimes a woman of any age, with a proven possession of singular focus, ruthlessness, greed and, above all else, the ability to worship the owner of any set of fingers that feed, that is until the feeding stops or a better feeder comes along. He answers to the reigning POLITICAL GOD FATHER and his sole job is to embezzle public funds for onward transmission to said POLITICAL GOD FATHER, after deducting his commission.

 

POLITICAL GOD FATHER:

Exclusively male. Usually dabbles in occult activities or at least claims to. Demonstrates all the qualities of the POLITICIAN, but operates at a much higher level. Must have an army of between 100 and 100,000 authentic area boys at his command bred on a concentrated mixture of poverty and peanuts for the sole purpose of rigging elections.  He answers to the current party chairman and his sole job is to deliver real or rigged electoral victories for the POLITICAINS/POLITICAL PARTIES in the areas within his domain. Every so often, he promotes a promising young individual from among his troops and promotes them to the role of POLITICIAN; he rigs an election for them and puts them in power.

 

NIGERIAN PARTY CHAIRMAN:

Male, usually an ex-POLITICIAN, retired from active POLITICS for at least 10 years. Must have been out of the public eye for such a length of time that his scandals and accusations of theft, fraud and sleaze have been forgotten and/or overtaken by bigger scandals and thefts perpetrated by the POLITICIANS that came after him. This gives him an air of integrity.

 

EMIR:

Exclusively male, appointed by the PRESIDENT on the recommendations of relevant POLITICIANS, POLITICAL GOD FATHERS and, sometimes PARTY CHAIRMEN across all POLITICAL PARTIES. Their primary role is to aid the PRESIDENT and the entire POLITICIANS control the MASSES of Muslim/Hausa extraction in Northern Nigeria. The usual method is to ensure illiteracy and poverty levels remain high enough that the Northern MASSES are either too unaware or too hungry to question the POLITICIANS who steal public funds. Being religious leaders they also serve as conscience soothers to weak POLITICIANS, offering prayers on behalf of those who still have a sense of morality and receiving hefty donations in cash or kind as a means of purifying their loot. The Emirs are also paid official salaries/allowances because they also serve as traditional rulers.

 

NIGERIAN PASTOR:

Mainly male, however several females now abide within the fold. Appointed via secret, divine mandate by one Supreme Being or another, they serve to compliment the efforts of the EMIRS. However, as illiteracy and poverty levels are slightly lower across Southern Nigeria, and Southern POLITICIANS insist on stealing as much money as their Northern counterparts, a different more potent method of hypnosis must be applied. Christians are taught to do the following:

1.       Pray for their leaders (even those indicted and convicted of crime)

2.       Not to touch the Lord’s anointed (including all leaders, spiritual as well as political)

3.       To seek riches and comfort in heaven and to view earthly suffering as a perfecting process for Heaven.

4.       To pray that God will take away all our problems and not to fight in the flesh but in the Spirit.

They serve the same functions as the EMIRS in that they also purify stolen money, however they charge a fixed fee not less than 10% of said loot, in addition to ‘church building pledges’, ‘missionary offerings’ and several other donations which when combined cleanse the looter and absolve him of all guilt. PASTORS charge much more than EMIRS simply because they offer no constitutionally recognized service to the state and as such receive no official salary/allowances.

 

PRESIDENT – CHRISTIAN ASSOCIATION OF NIGERIA:

This office has been reinvented in recent years to comply with the NIGERIAN POLITICAL SYSTEM and as such receives a mention here. The person who holds this office amalgamates all the powers, rights and privileges of all PASTORS. He is their leader and he represents their interests at the NATIONAL CAKE TABLE. He answers exclusively to the PRESIDENT, serving the same purpose as the PASTORS and receiving the same payments, albeit on a presidential level.

 

NATIONAL CAKE:

All significant sources of national income, chief amongst them being Crude Oil.

 

NATIONAL CAKE TABLE:

An euphemism that encompasses all the means and methods, institutions and agencies that the NIGERIAN POLITICAL SYSTEM utilizes to embezzle any and all sources of significant national income, chief amongst them being the NNPC.

 

 

NIGERIAN POLITICAL SYSTEM:

A convoluted mockery of democratic ideals and processes, instituted by Gen. Ibrahim Babangida and Gen. Abdulsalam Abubakar, sheltered in the PDP, perfected by Gen. Olusegun Obasanjo and currently operated by Dr. Goodluck Jonathan. Its three-fold purpose is to protect past treasury looters from prosecution of any kind, prepare future treasury looters for the looting they will one day perform, while facilitating present treasury looters in their task of looting as much as possible. Of course in this equation, the MASSES and the MIDDLE CLASS serve the purpose of making bricks without straw, i.e. paying all manner of taxes, fees and charges to POLITICIANS who will steal said taxes, fees and charges in broad daylight. The taxes are paid from profits earned from businesses that are set-up without any government loans, powered by private generators, watered by private boreholes and accessed by private sand-filled roads. POLITICIANS are the primary operators of the system, stealing from the public treasury at one end and from the MASSES and MIDDLE CLASS at the other end and siphoning the loot upwards all the way to the top of the Corruption Tree. The fact that at least 170,000,000 citizens allow themselves to be misruled and enslaved by no more than 100,000 operators of the NIGERIAN POLITICAL SYSTEM would baffle deities and am sure is the topic of deep analysis at schools of mass hypnosis.

 

NIGERIAN POLITICAL PARTY:

These are the branches on the tree of the NIGERIAN POLITICAL SYSTEM. Even though they grow to different lengths and in different directions they share the same stem and root. Their motivation, objectives and roles in the POLITICAL SYSTEM are identical, what differentiates them is their sphere of influence, for instance:

1.       PDP:  Older politicians and ex-military. National outlook.

2.       ACN:  Younger politicians. Yoruba outlook.

3.       APGA: Younger politicians. Ibo outlook.

4.       CPC: Younger politicians. Hausa outlook.

The characterizations above are not cast in stone, for example the odd Yoruba politician will function in APGA if the overall purpose is served.

 

NIGERIAN MASSES:

Nigeria’s horde of living zombies. Born and bred in poverty and despair and trained to fear and offer unconditional submission to authority of any kind, even if the authority figure is illegitimate and immoral. The more docile members of the MASSES are created, maintained and controlled primarily by the EMIRS and PASTORS. Those who escape the financial restraints placed upon the MASSES by the POLITICAL SYSTEM and find a way to either earn legitimate money or steal crumbs that fall from the NATIONAL CAKE TABLE form the two halves of the MIDDLE CLASS.

 

NIGERIAN MIDDLE CLASS 1:

These are individuals, usually educated, who have found a legitimate way to earn enough money to live a life not fully controlled by the POLITICAL SYSTEM. They can afford to buy generators and fuel them; they can afford to live in the nice parts of the major towns and cities, even if in a small flat. They see the sleaze that they live in and even though they hate it and would never partake in it, they feel powerless to stop it and eventually settle into a self-sufficient life.

 

 

NIGERIAN MIDDLE CLASS 2:

This class of individuals is either not educated or have abandoned their field of study for the job of CONTRACTOR. They live the life of the other MIDDLE CLASS group, but they have no qualms with the rot and corruption that the POLITICAL SYSTEM thrives on. They actually aspire to a better position around or beneath the NATIONAL CAKE TABLE and will eventually become POLITICIANS, once they find a suitable POLITICAL GOD FATHER to get them started.

The future of Nigeria will be determined by the MIDDLE CLASS, either side of them has the number and the resources to overthrow the POLITICAL SYSTEM. But while MIDDLE CLASS 2 will kill to maintain the status quo, MIDDLE CLASS 1, while definitely not wealthy, is too comfortable to embrace the threat of death.

 

 

NIGERIAN BUSINESS ELITE:

Usually cross generational. Fathers and mothers pass down the role to their sons and daughters. Male or female, these are the cronies, partners and business fronts for members of the POLITICAL SYSTEM. They become the bank CEOs, oil company executives, business moguls and multi billionaires. The POLITICAL SYTEM controls all other systems, and very few ‘unaffiliated’ individuals will rise to the top of their fields when the business and corporate regulators are appointed to stop the progress of non-affiliates of the POLITICAL SYSTEM. They are the ‘experts’, the ‘technocrats’ who come on business programs on TV, explaining and championing government policies that were obviously designed in other countries for foreign benefit.

 

NIGERIAN POLICE-MAN:

This is the authorized herder of the MASSES for the POLITICAL CLASS, and also serves as enforcer/protector for the POLITICIAN, POLITICAL GOD FATHER, PARTY CHAIRMAN, EMIRS, PASTORS, CAN PRESIDENT and the BUSINESS ELITE in normal times.

 

NIGERIAN SOLDIER (army, navy, air force):

Brainwashed android. Trained to kill Nigerians at home and protect foreigners abroad. The exclusive enforcer/protector for the PRESIDENT at all times, also serves as additional protection for the PARTY CHAIRMAN, EMIRS, CAN PRESIDENT and major PASTORS in normal times. In times of unrest their protection duties are expanded to protect all members of the POLITICAL SYSTEM and its affiliates.

 

NIGERIAN PRESIDENT:

The general overseer, enforcer, protector, enabler, facilitator, benefactor, patron and current, main beneficiary of the NIGERIAN POLITICAL SYSTEM.

 

- Rev Olooshun

Follow @revolution_ng on twitter

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