I’ve been told. I’ve been warned. I’ve been threatened and I’ve been scorned. “Shosho, you can be so cold, at times”!
So now I ask: Is my [supposed] bitchiness a function of social dysfunction? A sort of facade to shield me from the brutal world? Or, is it an external manifestation of an inner pride? A pride that will not allow me to subject myself to lesser mortals?
I know that I tend to be more “head oriented” than “heart oriented.” It has always been easier for people to appeal to me intellectually than emotionally. But, as I grow older I have come to learn that from the heart comes mercy, love, compassion, friendship, care, softness – all the things people want to be around. I’ve also learnt that it is the height of humility to subject oneself to someone even if you think you know better.
Sometimes, that’s just the way it’s gotta be, if you want to achieve a common goal. In a relationship, someone can’t just “take a position” and refuse to budge. When that happens, it’s the beginning of the end.
Perhaps, I’m just afraid. Afraid of people trying to contain me, dominate me or put me in a pre-fabricated box. I truly detest tyranny, oppression and conformity. They are among the few things that make me weep. It also seems like anytime a guy says he’s not trying to change me, he’s lying. Perhaps, he may not even be aware of the lie. He just has this picture in his head he’s coaching me towards. After all, it is the nature of man to try to improve things and the nature of woman to accommodate and please.
Anyway, I am finally learning to love when it’s not convenient and to stop being afraid. Life is not about me.
I gradually feel myself thawing. I may never totally become a shrinking violet, I’m too analytical for that. But, my heart is a much bigger place now and is far more accessible than it used to be.
May I truly become a better person.
Editor: An updated version of Adesubomi Plumptre’s No Bullsh*t will be serialized on Omojuwa.com every Saturday.
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