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The Gospel According To ‘Saint’ Farouk

1)  And it came to pass after these things, on the first day of the first month of the twelfth year after the second millennium, that king Jona son of Bele announced to the people saying; there is no money left in the royal treasury, and the future of the kingdom is in great danger.

2) Therefore, a measure of oil shall no longer sell for three scores of silver and seven, but shall now be seven scores of silver and one. But the people grumbled aloud, and said unto another, what shall it profit our king to gain all these oil money and lose his throne?

3) For it is appointed unto him to reign but once, and after this prison, for many are the atrocities which he has committed.

4)  So they said unto the king, eat thou thy food in peace in the palace, and surround thou thyself with thine women, only touch not our oil price and do thy people no harm.

5) But the king would not listen, and said unto himself, I know my people, they shall only grumble for a while and soon they shall forget.

6) But the people would not forget, for the burden was too much for them to bear, and they said; now unto him that is able to increase the price of oil exceeding abundantly above all that his people can bear or think, according to the greed which worketh in him;

7) Unto him be curses in the streets by the masses throughout all ages, protests without end.

8) So they took to the streets and gave the land no peace, and there was no going out or coming in throughout the kingdom for two weeks, and the king feared greatly and said to himself, surely these people shall overturn me if I answer them not.

9) So he called the head of the labourers unto the palace, and gave him bags of gold, that he mayest turn off the wrath of the people against the king.

10) So the king assembled the people and said unto them; a measure of oil shall no longer be seven scores of silver and one, but shall now be four scores of silver, one dozen and five, to this your leaders have agreed. Praise me now therefore for I am a benevolent king.

11) And after all these, the Loudspeaker of the House of People said, let us inquire into the king’s claim that there be no money in the royal treasury. So they appointed Farcrook, son of Lawal.

12) And said unto him, gather ye now all the oil sellers, that we may know who stole from the kingdom. This did him with diligence, and came back with his report saying

13) Thieves abound in the land, and so have the oil sellers stole from the people, and gave them not oil, this they did with the help of Aliyaro the king’s mistress; and the amount he mentioned was unheard of in the land.

14) When the people heard this, they were dismayed, and sorrow gripped their hearts.

15) But the oil sellers went in unto the king in his chamber, and said; rememberest thou O king that the what we stole did we make available to thy campaign, and by thus did we make you king.

16) If thou deliver us unto the people that they may punish us, we will hold not our tongue to tell the people that thou art one of us.

17) And they said unto him, how else shall we destroy the message if not to destroy the messenger? Let us therefore implicate Farcrook the son of Lawal in this matter.

18) So they sent a certain rich man from the West by the name Otedollar, and he took Farcrook into his house and gave him some money, that he may alter the report which he had set before the people.

19) And it was that Otedollar went before an assembly of the people and said unto them, trust ye this man who said we stole from the treasury? Surely he is one of us, for he came unto me in the middle of the night, and he left with his pockets full of money.

20) And the people where amazed, and their hearts bled, for Farcrook was a man in whom they had put their trust.

21) So Farcrook arose, and said; Otedollar is my briber, I did not request. He maketh me to sit down in his Maitama house; he leadeth me beside the chilled champagne.

22) He exploited my greed; he leadeth me in the path of marked dollars for subsidy’s sake.

23) Yea, even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of EFCC, I will fear no arrest: for bribes are with me; my loots and my kickbacks they comfort me.

24) Thou preparest the dollars before me, in the presence of the SSS: thou anointest my mouth with wine; my pocket runneth over.

25) Surely the shame and reproach shall follow me all the days of my life, but I will dwell in the house of PDP forever and ever.

26) And the people wept, but there was no one to console them.

 

Ogunyemi Bukola

Follow @zebbook on twitter

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