FICTION

CHRONICLES OF THE CLUELESS KING Chapter 1

A satire of some known realities


In the first year of the jubilee of Naijaria in the year the great King Barak killed Osaman the Alquaedite, there rose a King from the West of Africa in Naijaria. At the beginning of his reign an Angel appeared to me and I was caught up in this vision. This book is the book of the records as the angel showed me through the land of Naijaria.

I saw the Clueless King in all his glory as the people shouted in celebration of his rise to power. In matters of leadership the Clueless one was a failure and would at best be a ball boy in another world but this was a dream not a sane world. My dreams looked like I was also part of the happenings but here I could see everything and this was not to be possible in a real world.

On the first day of the reign of the King who had been born a slave without cloths or shoes, he liked the inner chambers of the palace so much he wanted to stay there forever. He spent most of his time in the palace bar but none of the exotic wines would satisfy his quest to always get drunk. So he declared to his guards to get him a locally distilled spirit and then came Ogogoro whom the king delighted in. It was one of the days he was drinking ogogoro the idea of staying longer in power crept on him so he called the men of his inner kitchen and put the question to them, “can we all live here forever?” and the people hailed “Oh foolish King, may you reign forever!” “Stupid fools, I asked a question and I need an answer. Can we all live here forever?” Humoki one of the servants then spoke up, “Oh Clueless One, we will have to read the constitution.” To Humoki, the constitution solves every problem. The Clueless King liked the sound of the advice so he called his closest staff Okonto Dougas and said “Okonto, form a committee to read the constitution and get another committee to find out from the readers of the constitution what they have learned from the constitution.” Okonto was amazed at the wisdom of his King and was forced to speak in admiration “Oh Clueless One, your wisdom is of the ages. May your cluelessness reign forever.” The King was delighted and sought to revel in the praise of his servants, “call me Queen Gbags and let’s splurge on more Ogogoro.” They partied into the next month of June.

By the end of June, the treasury of the Kingdom had been expended so Humoki advised the King wisely, “Oh great King, we need a shadow king to manage the Kingdom so that we mortals will never have to disturb you and your bottles of Ogogoro.” “Humoki, that is a great idea. Since we got into power we haven’t done a single thing. This people will find us out sooner or later. I’ll ask Dangote.” Humoki was on his way out when Mary the Oga dashed into the room, And Mary the Oga ran to the King “Oh foolish king, there arose in your kingdom another kingdom of rebels called Twitarites. They are the greatest threat to your Royal Cluelessness. Something has to be done sir.” The King pressed the bell as Humoki came into the room. “What do you know about Twitarites?” “Your Royal Cluenessness, I have assessed the problem and I’ll deal with it. Please do not set up a committee for this one. We will order for 200 ipads, 500 BlackBerries, and 1000 laptops to wage the war on Twitteria Lane. They are a bunch of middle class kids and overfed fathers who can be crippled with my presence.” The King set up a committee to purchase the materials requested by Humoki and another committee to monitor the delivery. Humoki was glad. He had achieved one of his ambitions of relevance in the Kingdom. He looked forward to his return to Twitteria.

The Angel called me aside and said I had to return to Twitteria as that was where the battle had to be won before the land battle. By this time Humoki had returned to Twitteria and was having a good run as Mallama Elrufar paid attention as Humoki smartly tweeted at the Mallama and got responses. The people followed Humoki in droves.

Meanwhile the King had made a request to the Bank in Amerika for the return of madam Hugozia to the Kingdom. She was reluctant to return until she was told her role was not to return as just a minister in the King’s cabinet but as the absolute Queen of the Kingdom as the prime minister. Madam Hugozia was wary of the appointment as she could not believe the legend of the King’s Cluelessness was enough to warrant him appointing a prime minister, so she sought an appointment with the Emperor King of Naijaria.

On the morning of the day the great King Barak killed Osaman, madam Hugozia was meeting with the Clueless King.
And it came to pass as madam Hugozia was meeting with the Clueless One, the King confessed, “Hugozia let me confess to you. People call me the clueless one but they have no idea. I am the epitome of dumbness. I know nothing except you regard the ability to down bottles of ogogoro a kind of knowledge. I want you to be the king of the kingdom between us but the people will still see me as their King.” Because the people trusted a man’s luck instead of God’s favour and their reason, the Clueless King became even more dumb and his dumbness became the metaphor of human stupidity so much so when you use the word “clueless” in his Kingdom the people bow or frown in deference to the King.

And the angel said to me to look away from the caves and pay attention to Twitteria for here is the beginning of the battles and then I saw Humokiri and I saw a reflection of myself Humajuwa. And it was morning and it was night and I was called off to the inner chamber of the Clueless One and here I saw the Damn Queen Gbags for the first time…

In the 42nd year of the reign of the great King of Libiya, the great King Barak had him killed by his own people but there were other battles on Twitteria another kingdom in Naijaria. By this time, Haramites had taken hold of Naijaria and the Clueless King feared for his life…

the story continues as the King reigns… This is a satire, if it makes you sad…well get a life

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About the author

Omojuwa

In the beginning...Let there be Light http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Japheth_J._Omojuwa

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