And it came to pass on the sixteenth day, in the sixth month and in the first year of Jubilee, the day the new army of jobless youths was to be unleashed to join one of the earth’s biggest army Naijaria’s teeming jobless youths, a mighty blast like the coming of the host of heaven was heard in Naijaria, in the city it should not be heard, at the house of the head of the King’s guards. The heard of the King’s guards Hafiz escaped death but the King could not escape what hit him. At the sound of the blast, in a bid to escape death, the King ran from his garden where he was presiding over the contents of an Ogogoro bottle and ran into a transparent door. Just as the King was landing on the floor, Queen Gbags who was running after him tripped over and landed on his head. The King could not see a thing for hours as the contour blocked his eyes. The men who tended to the King’s swollen face did all they could to restore it to its original shape because by now the people of Naijaria were calling for the king to “show face na.”
By now the Haramites had claimed responsibility for the blast, the great King Barak had released a statement, the body of the world’s kings and tyrants had released a statement and indeed all the kings of the world whose statements were worth reading released statements condemning the act of war by the Haramites. The Clueless King finally came to six hours later. “Are we at war? Are we at war? Where is my Queen? You Humoki, pack my boxes I am going back to my village.” The man before him answered “Oh mighty Clueless King, your servant is not Humoki, Humoki has escaped to the basement after the blast. I am Robben Abat.” By now the king was beginning to see forms and he could recognise Abat who helped with the king’s public statements. “Your royal Cluelessness sir, I have come to collect your statement concerning the blasts in the city.” The king was very furious “statement! Statement! Abat you are a fool! I knew you were when I brought you to the palace but you did not know because the people thought you wise, so I brought you here to show you your true foolish self.” Abat was bitter in his heart but he could not show it, “but Oh Clueness and now discombobulated One, what would you have me do?” the king was even more furious now “you called me a word now, disbombnated. Are you mad Abat?” Abat smiled but was still bitter in his heart, “Oh Clueless one, I called you Clueless before my days in the palace but you hated it until I told you it was a word for great kings just above Majesty. What if I told you the Discombobulated Clueless one is greater than just a clueless one? It means you are the bravest of all kings.” The king was pleased at this revelation. He was not pleased that Abat had discovered he did not know discombobulated meant bravery. By now Hafiz the head of the guards had come into the palace, “Oh Clueless King!…” The king retorted “shut them there you fool! Call me the Disbombnated Clueless one.” Abat corrected him, “discombobulated sir.” The king made to correct himself but he still could not get the word so he said to Hafiz, “always call me what Abat calls me. Now Abat tell him my new title.” Abat looked Hafiz in the eyes and said “Our king for his bravely and wisdom would prefer to now be called The Discombobulated Clueless One.” Hafiz though confused complied immediately “Oh Discombobulated Clueless one, would you like to see the site of the blasts?” the king was gripped with fear. He could not fathom how his own guard would want him to go and see a war zone. “Hafiz, you mean you left the war zone to invite me to the forefront?” Hafiz realised the king was still at sea with realities. “Oh Clueless One…” the King shouted, “Oh foolish man, add my Discon title.” “sorry your discombobulated cluelessness. Oh Discombobulated Clueless One, my men have quelled the war. It was the children of the Haramites who waged war against us. We killed them all but they bombed the arsenal and killed two of our men.” The king was really pleased to hear the war had ended as quickly as it had started. “Hafiz, you are a great guard. Remind me to decorate you with a royal honour when I the discombonated one honours the men of the kingdom.”
Queen Gbags who had locked up herself in the inner chambers of the palace had been listening to the conversation. She realised there was nothing to fear after all. She joined the trio. “If you are the Discarbonated Clueless One, what is my transformation of my title?” Abat it was who spoke, “Oh Concentrated Queen of Gbags or CQG.” The queen was pleased, “I was listen to you three and I was convinced that nevertheless the king is alive and now I will not be orphan and my children will not be widows.” Hafiz because of this new title of Confiscated of mine, I want to donate to your guards.” Hafiz straightened up and smiled at the queen. “Hafiz, on behalf of 20 million naira, I donate my husband and indeed my entire family.”
By now Twitteria Lane was a city of noise and anger. Everyone apart from the voltrons of the Discombobulated Clueless One was wondering whether the King had been abducted as he had not spoken for hours after the blasts. Humoki had not resumed his duties on twitteria so the people of twitteria the twittarites argued amongst themselves.
And so it came to pass on the night of the blast, the Discombobulated Clueless One ordered Dougas to compile a list of names to form a committee on why he had not been referred to as “discombobulated” all along. Dougas was discombobulated himself that the king had not instead set up a mega and high powered committee to look into the blasts but he was quiet. As he made to speak the king spoke, “and don’t forget to form a high powered committee on why you should not be sacked. You were nowhere to be found when the Haramites came. Form another committee to honour brave men of my kingdom. Hafiz should be honoured for his bravery.” Dougas was about to add his voice but the king spoke again, “King Barak called to say my government was too big to fight the Haramites with effectively, so form a committee to look into the effective of our government.”
And the fame of the Clueless King spread abroad as his cluelessness became the new art of leadership weakness and the failure of governance. By now, those who voted the Discombobulated Clueless One and not his cabal had become heartbroken. The kingdom was in dire straits, the economy on the brink and then the Queen of Gbags appeared on national TV.
PS: This is not a real story or is it? Part 3 on the way
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