OMOJUWA MEETS JONA THAN AND IT WAS DAMN! (A Presidential Interview)

Published:20 Jul, 2011

Omojuwa: Once again congratulations on your anointing as president of the republic…

Jona: (cuts in) and commander in chief of the armed forces…

Omojuwa: (cuts in) armed robbers…

Jona: What?!

Omojuwa: nothing Mr. President, that’s part of what we will be discussing.

Jona: Let’s be positive please.

Omojuwa: Yes please. Talking about positive sir…congratulations now you have more shoes than you’d ever need.

Jona: Awww. Thank you. That’s the spirit.

Omojuwa: Sir, what are your concrete plans for Nigeria?

Jona: I already ordered Dangote and the rest of the cement people to make cement cheaper. That way Gods willing Nigeria’s concrete plans will be stonger. No more falling houses. God’s willing.

Omojuwa: I see. Sir a lot of people are of the opinion you are losing your patience with…(Madam Patience bursts in like a bull)

Patience: Joe you called my name now!

Jona: Argh! (looks sad) Nooo. We are having a lunch and the gentleman was talking to me about my patience…

Patience: (cuts in) oh. I am fine. And why didn’t you invite me?

Omojuwa: Ma’am it’s not a lunch, it’s an interview

Patience: Dame! Call me Dame! It is not a lunch but you have food in front of you? What is that called?

Omojuwa
: Damn! It is a meal and more appropriately breakfast as this is just 10 am.

Patience: I said Dame not Damn!

Omojuwa: Damn is the higher version of Dame ma. Okay Dame.

Patience: In that case Damn me. I like you. What is your name?

(Jona cuts in)

Jona: (with a gentle voice) Damn, we are having an interview please.

Patience: Fine. Let’s do a threesome then. Was that not what you called it when that petrol woman joined us?

Jona: okay, gentleman let’s make it a threesome.

Omojuwa: (confused) Sir, I don’t do orgies!

Jona: (raises voice) Forget your urges. It’s an order my friend, a presidential order!

Patience: oya, start with me!

(Omojuwa stands up tries to move )

Patience: No no no, shoot from there boy.

Omojuwa: How do you want it Damn? (a rueful smile)

Patience: Just come direct but don’t come hard.

(Omojuwa gets even more confused)

Omojuwa: (thinking: how do you come direct without hitting hard?) Damn what is your best position?

Patience: Being behind the president. As a first lady that is the best position.

Omojuwa: Being behind? Who’s in charge and how can that be effective considering…
(Cuts in)
Patience: Grammer boy, I support him all the time. That is my position!

Omojuwa: (Now relaxed) Talking about support. Mr. President how is the support from your god fathers coming up?

Jona: Support? The only support I get from them is sending me names of their boys for positions and granting stupid interviews to condemn our transformation efforts.

Omojuwa: Sir, can you tell me some of your early achievements on Transformation?

Jona: A lot of them really. It was this tenure that produced two BET Award winners for Nigeria, Tuface and D’banj my home boy. D’banj also signed with GOOD Music, we won the under 20 nations’ cup and without making mouth I helped to increase Elrufai’s twitter followers.

Omojuwa: (Looking very serious) Great achievements really. How does the transformation theme reflect in your choice of ministers?

Patience: I can answer that. It is a good team already. Dezia is back where I want her. Me and her are two great woman that will move the petroleum business forward.

Omojuwa: Mr. President what do you have to say?

Jona: Look at that list and everywhere you look is transformation. Instead of taking a husband I transform my choice to the wife, instead of taking a father, I transform to the daughter, instead of taking Ota’s choice, I transform to Minna’s instead.

Omojuwa: And one transformation you must be credited for is the Damn First Lady. Like yourself, she had no shoes but now she is a fashion celebrity…apart from a few over application of pan cakes and foundation.

Patience: I use Mary Kay not pan cake.

Omojuwa: Noted Damn! ( I saw a flicker of Lightening in the sky from where I sat and suddenly…)

GBOOOOOAAAA!!!! GBOOOOAAAA!!!! GBOOOOM!!! BOOOOOMMMMBB

(Mr. President runs for cover)

Jona: (shouting) Yay! Yay! Boko Haram don land. (From his hiding under the table) Damn call Hafiz! Call Hafiz!

Patience: (Looking lost) The same Hafiz that got bombed?!

Omojuwa: Mr. President please come out from your hiding, that was Lightening not Boko Haram.

Jona: Damn is that right?

Patience: is lightening that blow and you are hiding what if Boko Haram blow? Sometimes you act like a children Joe.

(President looks embarassed as he made to crawl out)

Jona: (Smiling) Don’t mind me… Sometimes we carry out Bomb drills. You know how it is. Gods willing we won’t experience Bombs here o. If those people have the chance they will bomb me.

Omojuwa: sir they won’t bomb you. You are the president.

Jona: Those boys will go to hell for these troubles.

Omojuwa: Talking about hell…it appears Elrufai is making you go through some hell…
(Cuts in)

Jona: Never! Never! That’s not possible!

Omojuwa: But why would you arrest him twice in a week or so…?

(Cuts in)

Jona: No no. He was not arrested, he was picked. He is my brother but he talks too much. Do you know that he tweeted every move of the arrest? That twitter should be banned.

(Cuts in)
Patience: Don’t ban Teachers, ban English!

Jona: Huh!

Omojuwa: You can sir. Just appoint another bad minister for that ministry and the teachers will be endangered species.

Jona: but I meant twitter. I don’t know how to use it sef like Facebook.

Omojuwa
: that reminds me, you forgot to mention your success on successfully running a Facebook account. Unlike your twitter handle where someone tried to pose as you but got caught.

Jona: huh! Has he been caught?

Omojuwa: yes sir. Apart from the fact that D’banj was one of the first people he followed which is understandable considering your obsession with his Jona Jona song, every other thing showed it was not your account.

Jona: argh! That is bad. So you people know eh? Can you handle a new twitter account for me?

Omojuwa: they will catch me too sir when I follow Elrufai and I keep tweeting sensible things. They will just know it’s not you. Why don’t you try the Damn.

Jona: (instantaneously) DISASTER!!!

Patience: What!!!

Jona: I mean you will be a target for disaster.

Patience: very true my dear. I hear everybody on twitter are making mischiefs

Omojuwa: You can organise another youth lunch and then pick one of them.

Jona: The last one divided them. They said I paid them bribes.

Omojuwa: No sir, they later in their usual style called it a better name, it’s per diem, but you paid some more than the others…

Jona: Youths are not equal…

Patience: No, my teacher said some things are equal and unequal

Omojuwa: Wow. Damn that’s some philosophical gangster there. Also they may be equal but some are more equal than the others. For instance, my own friend was able to get an Ipad with his per diem, another bought a Curve 2 while others had more money to invest into their booming businesses.

Jona: That is transformation…
Patience: And the power of the umblerra

Omojuwa: and of course Fresh air… and congratulations on your new media man. That was a good catch. No matter what he thinks now, he has to make you look good to the public now.

Jona: You are smart. Keep your friends close and your enemies closest

(Patience cuts in)

Patience: Closest Gbagaun! Gbolagaa!!! it’s Closer!

Jona: Sorry closer. I discovered that he was one of the most powerful voices out there and sometimes he attacked me. He even said I did not know how to talk imagine. That I was wrong to say four years was too short. Look at him now, he has to say what I tell him to say. Some people claim to be the Evil Genius but I am the Saint. No one suspects the Saint.

Omojuwa: Wow! That’s some political gangster sir. Wow! In that case get that Mallam that said you spend 2 billion per day on Defence to be Defence Minister now…

Jona: Why do you think those Yellow House boys took him? But he is too stubborn…too stubborn my brother.

Patience: You where do you stand?

Omojuwa: Damn I stand where God stands oh.

Patience: Good of you. The last man that said it stood where we stood so we are one and the same.

Omojuwa: Damn! You are right. We are brothers.

(A security detail whispers to the president:

Jona: Patience your English lesson teacher is here.

Patience: Shut up fool! Our English teacher!

Omojuwa: (cuts in) Oga I teach English too o.

Jona: No no. you write too much, you will write about it.

Omojuwa: Oga I won’t. There is a client confidential paper I’ll give…
(president cuts in)

Jona: Look can we have the interview now? I am quite busy.

Omojuwa: I can see that sir considering we have spent almost one hour sparring. It’s okay sir, I’ll just write about your achievements because I must meet with another client. I am busy. Look at how you are making Chatham house richer…

Jona: Hey! Let’s not go there…

Omojuwa: They are already there sir.

Jona: Who?

Omojuwa: Your favourite Mallam…next to Osun state’s president.

(President reaches for his phone)

Jona: Call me Ita quickly…

Omojuwa: Oga they arrested him but he was going to tweet again so they let him go.

Jona: How do you crash Twitter gentleman?

Omojuwa: Let Damn register a handle. When she tweets, her Gbagauns will be enough to destroy all of them. That is the DISASTER you need.

Jona: (nodding) Very good. Gods willing she will be on twitter from tonight. As for you who did you say you write for?

Omojuwa: FreshFarts dailies sir

Jona: Wonderful! Collect your per diem from that man (points) and please send me the interview when you finish creating it. Don’t forget, I had no shoes.

Omojuwa: And I am Good Luck Jona Than sir!

PS: Obviously, it is a joke!

Are you following us on twitter? @omojuwa if you like this, you will enjoy the Mallam Elrufai interview.

  • This is the most political comical encapsulation of Jonathan I’ve ever read. Well scripted, omojuwa.

  • S’aaad

    This dude! You have a way of beating yourself. How do you come up with these stuffs. I died of laughter. My eyes have gone red and my ribs out. Wow! wow! it contains everything. innuendo, truth, jokes, satire, sex sef. argh

  • i ha ve been rolling on d floor…Omojuwa…u are a clown oo…nice concept all d same…did u eventually collect the diem?

  • daibah

    A master piece

  • Remi

    Guy, I’m suing you for cracked ribs! You are definitely next in line to take over when Reuben is taken to the Abbatoir!

  • Brilliant write up…seems now we can also add script writing to your resume. This piece should be acted by Kanayo O kanayo and Patience Ozokwo… And ‘directed’ by DONJAZZY

  • Satirecal reality, funny truth, classical troubleshooting… Fela teash u well sir.. U see this one write as in…..

  • Olutola Omoniyi

    Even Basketmouth would fall off the couch while reading this. Big-ups,Japh!

  • asia

    I salute you! But abeg I no fit go see d yellow boys, in d big compound again, on your bhalf!

  • @yemiKAREEM

    Lmao…
    Omojuwa,
    If Jonathan should see this piece, be prepared to be the next man in SSS net. Hope you’ll tweet us sha. Lol…
    Well nailed brother, thumbs up!

  • Ebi

    If you applied your mind and creativity to solutions instead of satire, the country would be a better place.

  • abeeola

    Wicked guy…*high five dude*. You killed it even Jona than will be Damn proud of you.
    As for your haters & myopic critics, you must take solace in the fact that even God get haters among men, so who be you!

  • adeWaleOla Salami

    This is very comical….truly Omojuwa.com deserves the award. I am sure Jona too would be glad to be a character here.

  • Adesanya Abimbola

    This is a well balanced write ups..funny and interesting as well..thumbs up man.

  • ADEOLUWA O.S.

    Hillarious! Extremely creative and typical of advanced democracies. I have to stop now…the presidential guards might be listening SSSilence.

  • Kay

    Buhahahahahaahahahahahahahahahaha… Lwkmd…. Japh.. Haf wanto kil me ooo…

  • Ayreh

    What a jokertainment way to kickoff d day..Yes Bo$$..Endangered Species!

  • Me can’t stop laughing o….L???O????????(=)))????O?????L???

  • Imsyy

    Well its funny nd satirical.but i dont think we should b rideculing our leaders,instead we should post how to tacle the bedevilling challenges,even though we must laugh to keep body intact

  • sys

    its awesome!

  • CHINEDU ONUOHA

    WOW! This is BREATHTAKING! It is no Flattery if I say that U are a RARE GEM! It is a Privilege having U as a Friend on FACEBOOK! U EXCITE!

  • sarah

    Awwww, my boo neva dissapoints me! I love u Japh!I’m sooo proud of u#hugs

  • Abdulrahym

    Maaaaaan this is too funnyyyyy! I hope Jona get to see this…LOOL nice one

  • good wisecrack japh….you are not making it easy for me to aggregate you though on my project (the first Nigeria Real time aggregation website http://citygist.com) and it has got to do with your RSS feeds[make it available]. long time japh…and i miss u since january. More wen we hook up

  • ayodele marcus

    Its a wow……..best encapsulation so far…..u r scripturally radical

  • Mojoyin

    You’re just a clown…. I’ld call this hilarious excellence…

  • @Wole. wow. where have you been? It is available. Must be some error elsewhere.
    @Panel Of Co-bloggers. I must thank you all for your contributions.We may not all agree on every issue which is a good thing, we will allow every voice to be heard here. Thank you peeps.

  • AyomideAmen

    Nice one bro!

  • it is only the RSS for the comment that is generated…not for the article…work around it from the admin side. CHEERS

  • Totally hilarious and subtly true… Jona should read this pls…

  • eefeanyi

    You You You…I reserve my say

  • Don Baba

    Jona than Dame. Lolz

  • leke

    Have you considered writing a book and getting it published?

  • segun

    i go dier o

  • SSS- Squad

    @ Omojuwa…chai! Ur fada! U wan kill us with laughter for our office abi!… #DoorOpens… Shun Sir… We on his case Sir… #SSSHQ. Omojuwa..abeg dem dey come o!…Go hide with #BokoHaram

  • olumide

    Japh,

    I follow you on Twitter and you come across to me as a whiz kid. Right here you have displayed the fact that you are a genius. Are you human at all?

    Now I know you are not an empty barrel just ranting on twitter for nothing. From the budget scam, to the security scam to this and your effective handling of numbers makes you a Nigerian to watch out for.

    Keep it up dude. Sure proud of ya.

  • Thank you Olumide. I’m inspired. LMAO at your words too.

  • abdull

    more grease to your pen, keep it up. very happy that there are people like you who heighten the nation’s resources through vibrant, clearly and facts, feeding “talakas” and the entire nation with it’s neighbours the conspiracies behind our nascent democracy that has led to the underdevelopment and massive abuse of authority assigned to our office holders and has rendered our morals in every society immoral. keep it up my distinguished brother.

  • Adedayo

    Hahahahahahahha!..soo funny.
    Really,the little hope i still have in this country lies in the existence of someone like you.I just wish other youths will be inspired the way u inspire me…i followed you on twitter just for one day and your words moved me to start the “Nigerian Non-violent Resistance Movement( NNRM)” on facebook the next day…I’ll just say; keep it up bro…u’v gat people behind you.

  • tinu

    We need a short film on this narration! Great work JJ, u r definately going places. May God (Allah) continue to be with U! Insha Allah.

  • Tolulope

    Japheth!!!! Brilliant! #Gbam#…

  • sobiye yomi

    Not suprised u could do this too. Nice one. Still laffin!!!

  • Femi

    Very funny…very deep. Incisive. Daring…? Watch your back, son!

  • joejoe

    @Japh – this is so funny and hillarious but i am afriad if you would not turn out to be another Ruben Abbati…!!!!

  • kankey

    This is so funny. Cldnt stop laughing.nice one.
    Easy omojuwa, dnt get urself into trouble

  • famuyide olawale

    Omojuwaaaaa, can’t stop laughing, this is comical clueless exposed.

  • emelie

    Omojuwa, hahahhahahahahahahahaha! U wan kill me? At a point I was scared for u oh. Hope u won’t be taken to d slammer for this! Damn!

  • Photizo Desola

    LWKMD! No be small matter ?! Bros, no let Jona send Otuoke boys after you ?! Waiting for Elrufai’s interview ?!

  • temi

    this is so hilarious,@omojuwa
    More ink to your pen.

  • Paulo luigi

    Watz so funny abt dat whole crap? you fools now find it entertaining in insulting ur president, God is watching, we humans most times bring curses upon ourselves and then blame it on someone else.

  • Paulo luigi

    Japhet i use to like u for ur sheer inteligence but i must say dat u are derailing & if u dnt apply caution ur inteligence will bring misery to you mark My word.

  • Tope

    Damn!!!! JJ is mad….. who’s this Paulo Luigi ranting? Where’s your sense of humour?

  • Igbinogun

    The first family provides us with a lot to laugh and talk about. We are in their debts. Nice one Japh! U re class

  • obi 1

    I am honored to follow u!omojuwa…this satire is reminescent of the abati days..beautiful one…thank u for using ur gift to help us survive d stress in this contraption called 9ja…

  • akanski

    Simply hilarious

  • ola

    Hilarious

  • @Paulo I wish you a billion fold of what you wish for me. I dash you your wishes in fold. If you didn’t find it funny you should have stopped reading. I am sure you read everything. And please do not like me. I don’t care about being liked. If the last line that said this was a joke is not enough for you then your business.

    The misery you wrote about is yours. And I am sure there are over a billion folks willing to be liked. Look for them. I do not care for sentiments like that.

  • lajoe

    Jona house of commotion. Very funny. Good one Japh.

  • ayo weke

    I can’t help but laugh, both as I read this piece, and your reply to Paulo. Nice satirical work

  • may

    This should be adapted into a play lol! Well done.

  • saintlua

    i think it’s absolutely dumb for anyone not to see the humour in this.more grease to your elbow japh!Dame!i mean damn!

  • awwal

    Sa gud joke n @ same too xpensive

  • santa

    Can’t decide which is has got me ‘rolling on the floor’! The interview or reply to paulo watchma call his name? Buahahahha

  • This paulo should be a moron, if u ve nothing to say is it not better you shut up? Anyway Japh in a depressed country like ours its only this than can keep us going. Thump up Man. But next time silence is the best answer for a fool.

  • banks

    i don laff die, abeg send me damn sorry dame twitter handle when she comes on board….

  • This is very hilarious. It needs to be animated.

  • @ayowanddy

    I’ve always been a fan of your writeups and this obviously is one of the numerous that makes me proud to be associated with you…rhyming reality with jokes is hi’ class creativity. Kudos bruv and as for the Paul guy,I’m so sure GEJ pays his bills so what do u expect?

  • CollinsMaestro

    If Mr Paulo here has lost his sense of humor he will do well to google ‘Obama jokes’. The President of the United States has been ‘yabbed’ so much he even has his own category. I guess even Jonathan would laugh at this and Reuben Abati will duff his hat for Omojuwa.

  • susan

    omojuwa,you never seize to amaze mi… Sincerely am torn,between the interview & the response to mr paulo,which 1 funny pass… You deserve a pat on the back…

  • baba musa

    Hilarious but easy ooo b4 u go price wey u no go fit buy. U knw Naija na.

  • auwal

    ROTFL….damn u r gifted, dis is hilarious..i was threatened dat i’ll b tied up if i ddn’t stop laffin…9ce piece bro…made my day

  • enohor

    Kia,omojuwa do u want to kill am rolling on d floor laughing ma ribs and waist out,nice one bro love when patience said gbagaun not closest closer.

  • ayobami

    @jj, so many words kom at d same time makin it almost impossible pinpoint one…tis is a Genius satirical piece..I mor dan doff mi hat,fila and fez cap for uu…@mr paul and okesinwa; it is most evident dah uu bot hav one tin in common and dats a:VERY SMALL MIND….PS(satirical is d word innit?)….jj dem no fit tak d shine off uu jaree…BUATE!!!!!

  • Nkechi

    What’s funny about this??
    Its written by an idle irresponsile
    person who does not have respect for his parents
    It does make sense let alone funny
    Please let our present be, wether u like
    it or not his ur president.
    (Shameless goat- just joking)

  • idris Mohammed

    Jokingly telling nigerians who is really our president and his… Good one

  • Alagbe Muyideen

    Japh,don’t mind paulo or watever name . This is A????? nice piece for the weekend.lol . 10 gbosas for this joke. Reno can make A????? short script out of this. LMAOOOOO

  • Chyka

    This obviously must have been escavated and extracted from Bakin Zuwo’s portmanteau or even grave. For sure Jona is more enlightened to make this a fun. No fu in this. Very childish to the core.

  • jim

    It is said that uneasy lies the head that wears the crown. Who are these cronies fighting for the presidemts?

  • Paulo luigi

    The truth is, God has placed an entire network of people in this world into positions of authority. I’m not just referring to our government leaders, but also to the leaders in our workplaces and in our families. Perhaps it’s time to take a look at just how God views authority and our lack of respect thereof.

    Coming under authority and showing respect isn’t easy. Nobody wants to be told what to do or how to do it. We criticize anybody that makes a decision we don’t like. It’s not right. It’s not fair. It’s not good for me.

    In our country we’ve taken our right to free speech to an unbelievable level. We openly criticize our leaders, our country, our values, and pretty much anything else that doesn’t line up with what we want. We don’t see anything wrong with complaining, whining, and showing disgust to anybody who will listen

    Japhet read Romans 13:1-3

  • Jalo.

    I almost tot i was in a cinema hall,this scricp has to be acted..Where is chief Zebrudaya and Ovularia,Classic comic !

  • Doncaster

    Funny but very very dangerous, u can’t do this in korea or china & not get executed……..& why do u always portray el rufai as saint in every of ur post? Dat mallam is just as corrupt(if not more) as those in power now. He’s only making noise on twitter cos he’s having sour grapes .

  • Mr. Paulo pls shut the h****l up!!! The hilarity in this satirical interview made our weekends pleasant. These leaders or rather, dealers, don’t deserve any praises. We cannot all turn to praise singers simply because Paulo is one!!

  • amishood

    Reading it for the umpteenth time! lwkmd!!!

  • shehu

    Thanks for making my day… As usual aa masterpiece… More greese to ur elbow!

  • teemlad

    Japh! Na waooo! I no fit Laugh my tummy wan boost ooooo.

  • joblessness is evil..avoid it

    Omojuwa joblessness is the root of all evils

  • Yewande

    First to Paulo, God is a respecter of authority true, but God also gave us brains to be use them. There is no harm criticizing and surely u must agree with me dat d wants and needs of pple differ. And let me say dis, even if u disagreed with Japh’s writeup, dia are better ways to have put ur thots/opinion across, afterall it is his page and we do have freedom of speech.

    Japh, u really shd think about writing, I think u will do real gud, it will be a book i want to read

  • Jj, what can I say? This write reminds me of Wole Soyinka’s “Trials of Brother Jero”. You are simply fantabolous. Please turn this into a literary piece, you could change the names of the xters if you wish; this piece could be a requirement for Literature Students in Nigeria. Keep using the brain God has blessed u with. However, don’t throw away every criticism without 1st pondering on them. God bless you

  • ofuresonekan

    Great piece as usual.Not disappted at all.Kip up d gud wrk and may God bless and refresh U always,amen.

  • Adedeji Adesegun @dejiSHALOM

    Though written almost a year ago, it sounds fresh and funny to heart and ears.
    Don’t even know or heard of this naughty guy then…he’s something else.
    JJ…fulfilling destiny is not an option for you.
    Grace and strength.

  • Hate him or like him like @opesays says he represents the voice of those that dare not talk…I say he I?????s????? the best that most of us wish to be better than or at least equal to ask JCI UNAAB LOM. Japheth may Ÿ????ø????u????? speaker never become rusty, In poetry critics make Ÿ????ø????u????? a better poet than an admirer and in politics opposition challenges the government to be better. Japheth ride on jawe as Ÿ????ø????u????? use Ÿ????ø????u????? wide variety of talent to bring smiles and hope to the face of Nigerians as proven by this satiric piece of comedy. @deejaybond07

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Nigerian lawyers have expressed divergent views on the legality of the action by the Kaduna State government designating the Shiite group, IMN, an “insurgent group.” While one of the lawyers who spoke in interviews with PREMIUM TIMES said the declaration was constitutional, others said it was not. The Kaduna State government in a White Paper released on Monday said “for all intent and purpose, the IMN is an insurgent group and ought to be treated as such.” The government also vowed to...

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Efforts at eradicating the female genital mutilation, FGM, in Osun received a boost on Tuesday as 12 communities across four local governments declared their intentions to completely stop the practice. The declaration was made at the Female Mutilation Abandonment Declaration Ceremony organised by the Shericare Foundation, SCARF, an initiative of the wife of the governor, Sherifat Aregbesola. The communities that declared against FMG include Eko Ende, Eko Ajala, Iba, Asa, Iwo Oke, Ajagunlase, Alapata, Owode, Araromi in Ifelodun, Olaoluwa, Ede North and Orolu...

FUNERALS: Throwing a Lavish Party for the Dead, By Okey Ndibe

Regardless of the festering economic crisis in the country, regardless of the hordes of unemployed youngsters in the country, regardless of the thinning hope and burgeoning despair in the land—some people have figured that the most sensible thing to do is stage contests for the most gaudy, expensive and spectacular funeral. I have said this before: one of the hardest tasks is to predict how Nigerians would react in any given situation. We are a perplexing bunch, able to defy...

Husband chops off his own penis after his wife wouldn’t have sex with him.

A sexually frustrated husband, who claims his wife had not slept with him in a decade, has taken matters into his own hands in a bizarre manner. Ghasi Ram, 37, from India, cut off his own penis after losing his cool. He had come home drunk and started pestering his wife Manjhri Devi, 34, for sex.

There Are No Indigenes In Kaduna- El Rufai

The Governor of Kaduna State, Mallam Nasir el-Rufai has retweeted a tweet that quoted him as saying Kaduna state does not have indigenes. The post which was made by Bello El-Rufai which he attributed to the Governor reads: "We have no indigenes or settlers in Kaduna. Anyone that adds to our development is a citizen.  "Indigenes" don't like it." https://twitter.com/B_ELRUFAI/status/806156246898319360?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw Credit: dailytrust

FG Secures EU’s Commitment on Rebuilding of North East, Niger Delta

The European Union (EU) on Monday pledged its support for the ongoing efforts of the Federal Government to rebuild some parts of the North East and Niger Delta regions by earmarking 20 million Euros for the reconstruction of markets and warehouses in Borno and Delta States. The EU Ambassador to Nigeria, Mr. Michael Arrion, who gave the pledge during a visit to the Minister of Finance, Mrs. Kemi Adeosun in her office, said the funds would...

Two Arraigned Over False Information To Police

Two accused persons, Patrick  Onomhante -54, and Dickson Ugoche – 52, have been arraigned before a Lagos State Magistrate Court sitting in Ikeja for allegedly giving false information to the police. They appeared before  Magistrate B. O.Osunsanmi  on a three-count charge of  conspiracy, false accusation,  false statement to a public officer and given false information to the police . The accused were docked for allegedly making false accusation against, Paul Njoku, who was charged with...

Senate Grills NCC, Telecom Operator Over Data Price Hike

The Nigeria Communications Commission (NCC) Tuesday said that it intervened with an interim price floor for data services to avert a looming price war in the telecommunications sector. The explanation of the NCC is coming even as the Minister of Communications, Mr. Adebayo Shittu, asked Nigerians to face reality. The regulatory commission said that it feared that the price war could eventually lead to a monopoly in the telecom industry that would force small operators...

Aisha Buhari, Magu To Kick-off Women Against Corruption Campaign

The Economic and Financial Crimes Commission, EFCC, will tomorrow,  flag off the Nigerian Women Against Corruption, WAC, project, at the International Conference Center, Abuja with the aim of engaging women across the country in a nationwide sustainable fight against corruption. According to the acting chairman of the EFCC, Ibrahim Magu, the epoch-making event, which is in collaboration with the office of the wife of the President would be flagged...

Mugabe Appeals For Calm Amid Economic Crisis

Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe has appealed for calm as his government battles to contain a debilitating economic crisis. The 92-year-old president appeared frail but jovial, struggling with his lines a bit as he delivered a 30-minute State of the Nation address on Tuesday. He praised the country's security forces for maintaining order, although critics accuse them of using violence to stifle dissent. This once prosperous but now economically struggling southern...

Police Arrest Man Who Supplies Herdsmen Arms

The police in Enugu have arrested a man who allegedly supplies AK-47 rifle to herdsmen. The suspect, one Alhaji Samaila Garuba, alias Bakassi, who is from Shagari village in Sokoto State, was arrested in the 9th Mile area of Enugu on Tuesday morning. Spokesman for the Enugu State Police Command, Mr. Ebere Amaraizu, who disclosed this, said a herdsman, Ibrahim Adamu, who was arrested with an AK-47 in the Udi area of Enugu on August...

15 Year Old Charged with Beheading His Classmate in Gruesome Murder

A 15-year-old in Lawrence, Massachusetts has been arrested and charged for the murder of his high school classmate, whose decapitated body was found by the Merrimack River north of Boston last week. On Saturday, Mathew Borges was charged with murdering and decapitating 16-year-old Lee Manuel Viloria-Paulino, who first went missing on Nov. 18 after he left his grandmother's house but never returned home. "It's shocking, it's heartbreaking," Lawrence Police Chief James Fitzpatrick...

KKK Holds Parade To Celebrate Trump’s Win

The Ku Klux Klan held a pathetic parade to celebrate the election of Donald Trump in North Carolina on Saturday. The hate group's "parade" was originally to be held in Pelham but was moved one county over to Roxboro because of protestors. The Burlington Times-News reports that the KKK rally had a full police escort. State troopers blocked intersections while 30 vehicles drove around the town. The...

Dangote Sacks 109 Workers

The Dangote Group has dismissed 109 workers at Obajana Cement Company in Kogi State, after being found guilty of various offences, Abdulahi Magaji has said. Mr. Magaji, the coordinator of the company’s Patrol Team, announced this to journalists on Tuesday at the Obajana premises of the company. He said that the dismissed workers were among the 244 suspects arrested between May and November. According to him, they include erring drivers, owners of illegal haulage,...

Stop Making Expensive Demands from me, Buhari tells Nigerians

President Muhammadu Buhari on Tuesday asked Nigerian elite to stop making what he called expensive demands from his administration because things would no longer be done in the old way. He warned them to stop insisting that things should be done the old way which impoverished the nation. The President spoke during a meeting he had with a group of Nigerians in the Diaspora, on the margins of the 3rd Dakar International Forum on Peace and Security in...

Moremi Ojudu, Hope Betrayed And The Fury Of History By Rotimi Opeyeoluwa

The Holy Book claims that it is a dangerous thing for a human conscience to become seared. In such an occurrence, the conscience which is supposed to be an inbuilt moral-compass to help navigate between good and evil is compromised. When the human conscience is seared then all evil is tolerable and good is assaulted by unreasoning and that is what is currently playing out in Nigeria of today. During the last circle of electioneering in Nigeria and within...

2019: God Will Give PDP 2nd Chance- Bode George

Former deputy national chairman of the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP), Chief Olabode George has expressed hope that God and Nigerians will give the erstwhile ruling party another opportunity to rule the country, again, in 2019. George said this, yesterday, at his Ikoyi, Lagos office, when he hosted the South-West zonal executive of the party, led by Eddy Olafeso, which paid him a working visit. George premised his declaration on what he called the poor performance of the All Progressives...