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Home 5 FICTION 5 OMOJUWA MEETS JONA THAN AND IT WAS DAMN! (A Presidential Interview)
An exclusive interview with the president and his Damn!

OMOJUWA MEETS JONA THAN AND IT WAS DAMN! (A Presidential Interview)

Omojuwa: Once again congratulations on your anointing as president of the republic…

Jona: (cuts in) and commander in chief of the armed forces…

Omojuwa: (cuts in) armed robbers…

Jona: What?!

Omojuwa: nothing Mr. President, that’s part of what we will be discussing.

Jona: Let’s be positive please.

Omojuwa: Yes please. Talking about positive sir…congratulations now you have more shoes than you’d ever need.

Jona: Awww. Thank you. That’s the spirit.

Omojuwa: Sir, what are your concrete plans for Nigeria?

Jona: I already ordered Dangote and the rest of the cement people to make cement cheaper. That way Gods willing Nigeria’s concrete plans will be stonger. No more falling houses. God’s willing.

Omojuwa: I see. Sir a lot of people are of the opinion you are losing your patience with…(Madam Patience bursts in like a bull)

Patience: Joe you called my name now!

Jona: Argh! (looks sad) Nooo. We are having a lunch and the gentleman was talking to me about my patience…

Patience: (cuts in) oh. I am fine. And why didn’t you invite me?

Omojuwa: Ma’am it’s not a lunch, it’s an interview

Patience: Dame! Call me Dame! It is not a lunch but you have food in front of you? What is that called?

Omojuwa
: Damn! It is a meal and more appropriately breakfast as this is just 10 am.

Patience: I said Dame not Damn!

Omojuwa: Damn is the higher version of Dame ma. Okay Dame.

Patience: In that case Damn me. I like you. What is your name?

(Jona cuts in)

Jona: (with a gentle voice) Damn, we are having an interview please.

Patience: Fine. Let’s do a threesome then. Was that not what you called it when that petrol woman joined us?

Jona: okay, gentleman let’s make it a threesome.

Omojuwa: (confused) Sir, I don’t do orgies!

Jona: (raises voice) Forget your urges. It’s an order my friend, a presidential order!

Patience: oya, start with me!

(Omojuwa stands up tries to move )

Patience: No no no, shoot from there boy.

Omojuwa: How do you want it Damn? (a rueful smile)

Patience: Just come direct but don’t come hard.

(Omojuwa gets even more confused)

Omojuwa: (thinking: how do you come direct without hitting hard?) Damn what is your best position?

Patience: Being behind the president. As a first lady that is the best position.

Omojuwa: Being behind? Who’s in charge and how can that be effective considering…
(Cuts in)
Patience: Grammer boy, I support him all the time. That is my position!

Omojuwa: (Now relaxed) Talking about support. Mr. President how is the support from your god fathers coming up?

Jona: Support? The only support I get from them is sending me names of their boys for positions and granting stupid interviews to condemn our transformation efforts.

Omojuwa: Sir, can you tell me some of your early achievements on Transformation?

Jona: A lot of them really. It was this tenure that produced two BET Award winners for Nigeria, Tuface and D’banj my home boy. D’banj also signed with GOOD Music, we won the under 20 nations’ cup and without making mouth I helped to increase Elrufai’s twitter followers.

Omojuwa: (Looking very serious) Great achievements really. How does the transformation theme reflect in your choice of ministers?

Patience: I can answer that. It is a good team already. Dezia is back where I want her. Me and her are two great woman that will move the petroleum business forward.

Omojuwa: Mr. President what do you have to say?

Jona: Look at that list and everywhere you look is transformation. Instead of taking a husband I transform my choice to the wife, instead of taking a father, I transform to the daughter, instead of taking Ota’s choice, I transform to Minna’s instead.

Omojuwa: And one transformation you must be credited for is the Damn First Lady. Like yourself, she had no shoes but now she is a fashion celebrity…apart from a few over application of pan cakes and foundation.

Patience: I use Mary Kay not pan cake.

Omojuwa: Noted Damn! ( I saw a flicker of Lightening in the sky from where I sat and suddenly…)

GBOOOOOAAAA!!!! GBOOOOAAAA!!!! GBOOOOM!!! BOOOOOMMMMBB

(Mr. President runs for cover)

Jona: (shouting) Yay! Yay! Boko Haram don land. (From his hiding under the table) Damn call Hafiz! Call Hafiz!

Patience: (Looking lost) The same Hafiz that got bombed?!

Omojuwa: Mr. President please come out from your hiding, that was Lightening not Boko Haram.

Jona: Damn is that right?

Patience: is lightening that blow and you are hiding what if Boko Haram blow? Sometimes you act like a children Joe.

(President looks embarassed as he made to crawl out)

Jona: (Smiling) Don’t mind me… Sometimes we carry out Bomb drills. You know how it is. Gods willing we won’t experience Bombs here o. If those people have the chance they will bomb me.

Omojuwa: sir they won’t bomb you. You are the president.

Jona: Those boys will go to hell for these troubles.

Omojuwa: Talking about hell…it appears Elrufai is making you go through some hell…
(Cuts in)

Jona: Never! Never! That’s not possible!

Omojuwa: But why would you arrest him twice in a week or so…?

(Cuts in)

Jona: No no. He was not arrested, he was picked. He is my brother but he talks too much. Do you know that he tweeted every move of the arrest? That twitter should be banned.

(Cuts in)
Patience: Don’t ban Teachers, ban English!

Jona: Huh!

Omojuwa: You can sir. Just appoint another bad minister for that ministry and the teachers will be endangered species.

Jona: but I meant twitter. I don’t know how to use it sef like Facebook.

Omojuwa
: that reminds me, you forgot to mention your success on successfully running a Facebook account. Unlike your twitter handle where someone tried to pose as you but got caught.

Jona: huh! Has he been caught?

Omojuwa: yes sir. Apart from the fact that D’banj was one of the first people he followed which is understandable considering your obsession with his Jona Jona song, every other thing showed it was not your account.

Jona: argh! That is bad. So you people know eh? Can you handle a new twitter account for me?

Omojuwa: they will catch me too sir when I follow Elrufai and I keep tweeting sensible things. They will just know it’s not you. Why don’t you try the Damn.

Jona: (instantaneously) DISASTER!!!

Patience: What!!!

Jona: I mean you will be a target for disaster.

Patience: very true my dear. I hear everybody on twitter are making mischiefs

Omojuwa: You can organise another youth lunch and then pick one of them.

Jona: The last one divided them. They said I paid them bribes.

Omojuwa: No sir, they later in their usual style called it a better name, it’s per diem, but you paid some more than the others…

Jona: Youths are not equal…

Patience: No, my teacher said some things are equal and unequal

Omojuwa: Wow. Damn that’s some philosophical gangster there. Also they may be equal but some are more equal than the others. For instance, my own friend was able to get an Ipad with his per diem, another bought a Curve 2 while others had more money to invest into their booming businesses.

Jona: That is transformation…
Patience: And the power of the umblerra

Omojuwa: and of course Fresh air… and congratulations on your new media man. That was a good catch. No matter what he thinks now, he has to make you look good to the public now.

Jona: You are smart. Keep your friends close and your enemies closest

(Patience cuts in)

Patience: Closest Gbagaun! Gbolagaa!!! it’s Closer!

Jona: Sorry closer. I discovered that he was one of the most powerful voices out there and sometimes he attacked me. He even said I did not know how to talk imagine. That I was wrong to say four years was too short. Look at him now, he has to say what I tell him to say. Some people claim to be the Evil Genius but I am the Saint. No one suspects the Saint.

Omojuwa: Wow! That’s some political gangster sir. Wow! In that case get that Mallam that said you spend 2 billion per day on Defence to be Defence Minister now…

Jona: Why do you think those Yellow House boys took him? But he is too stubborn…too stubborn my brother.

Patience: You where do you stand?

Omojuwa: Damn I stand where God stands oh.

Patience: Good of you. The last man that said it stood where we stood so we are one and the same.

Omojuwa: Damn! You are right. We are brothers.

(A security detail whispers to the president:

Jona: Patience your English lesson teacher is here.

Patience: Shut up fool! Our English teacher!

Omojuwa: (cuts in) Oga I teach English too o.

Jona: No no. you write too much, you will write about it.

Omojuwa: Oga I won’t. There is a client confidential paper I’ll give…
(president cuts in)

Jona: Look can we have the interview now? I am quite busy.

Omojuwa: I can see that sir considering we have spent almost one hour sparring. It’s okay sir, I’ll just write about your achievements because I must meet with another client. I am busy. Look at how you are making Chatham house richer…

Jona: Hey! Let’s not go there…

Omojuwa: They are already there sir.

Jona: Who?

Omojuwa: Your favourite Mallam…next to Osun state’s president.

(President reaches for his phone)

Jona: Call me Ita quickly…

Omojuwa: Oga they arrested him but he was going to tweet again so they let him go.

Jona: How do you crash Twitter gentleman?

Omojuwa: Let Damn register a handle. When she tweets, her Gbagauns will be enough to destroy all of them. That is the DISASTER you need.

Jona: (nodding) Very good. Gods willing she will be on twitter from tonight. As for you who did you say you write for?

Omojuwa: FreshFarts dailies sir

Jona: Wonderful! Collect your per diem from that man (points) and please send me the interview when you finish creating it. Don’t forget, I had no shoes.

Omojuwa: And I am Good Luck Jona Than sir!

PS: Obviously, it is a joke!

Are you following us on twitter? @omojuwa if you like this, you will enjoy the Mallam Elrufai interview.

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About Omojuwa

In the beginning...Let there be Light http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Japheth_J._Omojuwa

91 comments

  1. Japhet i use to like u for ur sheer inteligence but i must say dat u are derailing & if u dnt apply caution ur inteligence will bring misery to you mark My word.

  2. Damn!!!! JJ is mad….. who’s this Paulo Luigi ranting? Where’s your sense of humour?

  3. The first family provides us with a lot to laugh and talk about. We are in their debts. Nice one Japh! U re class

  4. I am honored to follow u!omojuwa…this satire is reminescent of the abati days..beautiful one…thank u for using ur gift to help us survive d stress in this contraption called 9ja…

  5. Simply hilarious

  6. @Paulo I wish you a billion fold of what you wish for me. I dash you your wishes in fold. If you didn’t find it funny you should have stopped reading. I am sure you read everything. And please do not like me. I don’t care about being liked. If the last line that said this was a joke is not enough for you then your business.

    The misery you wrote about is yours. And I am sure there are over a billion folks willing to be liked. Look for them. I do not care for sentiments like that.

  7. Jona house of commotion. Very funny. Good one Japh.

  8. I can’t help but laugh, both as I read this piece, and your reply to Paulo. Nice satirical work

  9. This should be adapted into a play lol! Well done.

  10. i think it’s absolutely dumb for anyone not to see the humour in this.more grease to your elbow japh!Dame!i mean damn!

  11. Sa gud joke n @ same too xpensive

  12. Can’t decide which is has got me ‘rolling on the floor’! The interview or reply to paulo watchma call his name? Buahahahha

  13. This paulo should be a moron, if u ve nothing to say is it not better you shut up? Anyway Japh in a depressed country like ours its only this than can keep us going. Thump up Man. But next time silence is the best answer for a fool.

  14. i don laff die, abeg send me damn sorry dame twitter handle when she comes on board….

  15. This is very hilarious. It needs to be animated.

  16. I’ve always been a fan of your writeups and this obviously is one of the numerous that makes me proud to be associated with you…rhyming reality with jokes is hi’ class creativity. Kudos bruv and as for the Paul guy,I’m so sure GEJ pays his bills so what do u expect?

  17. CollinsMaestro

    If Mr Paulo here has lost his sense of humor he will do well to google ‘Obama jokes’. The President of the United States has been ‘yabbed’ so much he even has his own category. I guess even Jonathan would laugh at this and Reuben Abati will duff his hat for Omojuwa.

  18. omojuwa,you never seize to amaze mi… Sincerely am torn,between the interview & the response to mr paulo,which 1 funny pass… You deserve a pat on the back…

  19. Hilarious but easy ooo b4 u go price wey u no go fit buy. U knw Naija na.

  20. ROTFL….damn u r gifted, dis is hilarious..i was threatened dat i’ll b tied up if i ddn’t stop laffin…9ce piece bro…made my day

  21. Kia,omojuwa do u want to kill am rolling on d floor laughing ma ribs and waist out,nice one bro love when patience said gbagaun not closest closer.

  22. @jj, so many words kom at d same time makin it almost impossible pinpoint one…tis is a Genius satirical piece..I mor dan doff mi hat,fila and fez cap for uu…@mr paul and okesinwa; it is most evident dah uu bot hav one tin in common and dats a:VERY SMALL MIND….PS(satirical is d word innit?)….jj dem no fit tak d shine off uu jaree…BUATE!!!!!

  23. What’s funny about this??
    Its written by an idle irresponsile
    person who does not have respect for his parents
    It does make sense let alone funny
    Please let our present be, wether u like
    it or not his ur president.
    (Shameless goat- just joking)

  24. idris Mohammed

    Jokingly telling nigerians who is really our president and his… Good one

  25. Alagbe Muyideen

    Japh,don’t mind paulo or watever name . This is A????? nice piece for the weekend.lol . 10 gbosas for this joke. Reno can make A????? short script out of this. LMAOOOOO

  26. This obviously must have been escavated and extracted from Bakin Zuwo’s portmanteau or even grave. For sure Jona is more enlightened to make this a fun. No fu in this. Very childish to the core.

  27. It is said that uneasy lies the head that wears the crown. Who are these cronies fighting for the presidemts?

  28. The truth is, God has placed an entire network of people in this world into positions of authority. I’m not just referring to our government leaders, but also to the leaders in our workplaces and in our families. Perhaps it’s time to take a look at just how God views authority and our lack of respect thereof.

    Coming under authority and showing respect isn’t easy. Nobody wants to be told what to do or how to do it. We criticize anybody that makes a decision we don’t like. It’s not right. It’s not fair. It’s not good for me.

    In our country we’ve taken our right to free speech to an unbelievable level. We openly criticize our leaders, our country, our values, and pretty much anything else that doesn’t line up with what we want. We don’t see anything wrong with complaining, whining, and showing disgust to anybody who will listen

    Japhet read Romans 13:1-3

  29. I almost tot i was in a cinema hall,this scricp has to be acted..Where is chief Zebrudaya and Ovularia,Classic comic !

  30. Funny but very very dangerous, u can’t do this in korea or china & not get executed……..& why do u always portray el rufai as saint in every of ur post? Dat mallam is just as corrupt(if not more) as those in power now. He’s only making noise on twitter cos he’s having sour grapes .

  31. Mr. Paulo pls shut the h****l up!!! The hilarity in this satirical interview made our weekends pleasant. These leaders or rather, dealers, don’t deserve any praises. We cannot all turn to praise singers simply because Paulo is one!!

  32. Reading it for the umpteenth time! lwkmd!!!

  33. Thanks for making my day… As usual aa masterpiece… More greese to ur elbow!

  34. Japh! Na waooo! I no fit Laugh my tummy wan boost ooooo.

  35. joblessness is evil..avoid it

    Omojuwa joblessness is the root of all evils

  36. First to Paulo, God is a respecter of authority true, but God also gave us brains to be use them. There is no harm criticizing and surely u must agree with me dat d wants and needs of pple differ. And let me say dis, even if u disagreed with Japh’s writeup, dia are better ways to have put ur thots/opinion across, afterall it is his page and we do have freedom of speech.

    Japh, u really shd think about writing, I think u will do real gud, it will be a book i want to read

  37. Jj, what can I say? This write reminds me of Wole Soyinka’s “Trials of Brother Jero”. You are simply fantabolous. Please turn this into a literary piece, you could change the names of the xters if you wish; this piece could be a requirement for Literature Students in Nigeria. Keep using the brain God has blessed u with. However, don’t throw away every criticism without 1st pondering on them. God bless you

  38. Great piece as usual.Not disappted at all.Kip up d gud wrk and may God bless and refresh U always,amen.

  39. Adedeji Adesegun @dejiSHALOM

    Though written almost a year ago, it sounds fresh and funny to heart and ears.
    Don’t even know or heard of this naughty guy then…he’s something else.
    JJ…fulfilling destiny is not an option for you.
    Grace and strength.

  40. Hate him or like him like @opesays says he represents the voice of those that dare not talk…I say he I?????s????? the best that most of us wish to be better than or at least equal to ask JCI UNAAB LOM. Japheth may Ÿ????ø????u????? speaker never become rusty, In poetry critics make Ÿ????ø????u????? a better poet than an admirer and in politics opposition challenges the government to be better. Japheth ride on jawe as Ÿ????ø????u????? use Ÿ????ø????u????? wide variety of talent to bring smiles and hope to the face of Nigerians as proven by this satiric piece of comedy. @deejaybond07

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