OMOJUWA MEETS JONA THAN AND IT WAS DAMN! (A Presidential Interview)

Published:20 Jul, 2011

Omojuwa: Once again congratulations on your anointing as president of the republic…

Jona: (cuts in) and commander in chief of the armed forces…

Omojuwa: (cuts in) armed robbers…

Jona: What?!

Omojuwa: nothing Mr. President, that’s part of what we will be discussing.

Jona: Let’s be positive please.

Omojuwa: Yes please. Talking about positive sir…congratulations now you have more shoes than you’d ever need.

Jona: Awww. Thank you. That’s the spirit.

Omojuwa: Sir, what are your concrete plans for Nigeria?

Jona: I already ordered Dangote and the rest of the cement people to make cement cheaper. That way Gods willing Nigeria’s concrete plans will be stonger. No more falling houses. God’s willing.

Omojuwa: I see. Sir a lot of people are of the opinion you are losing your patience with…(Madam Patience bursts in like a bull)

Patience: Joe you called my name now!

Jona: Argh! (looks sad) Nooo. We are having a lunch and the gentleman was talking to me about my patience…

Patience: (cuts in) oh. I am fine. And why didn’t you invite me?

Omojuwa: Ma’am it’s not a lunch, it’s an interview

Patience: Dame! Call me Dame! It is not a lunch but you have food in front of you? What is that called?

Omojuwa
: Damn! It is a meal and more appropriately breakfast as this is just 10 am.

Patience: I said Dame not Damn!

Omojuwa: Damn is the higher version of Dame ma. Okay Dame.

Patience: In that case Damn me. I like you. What is your name?

(Jona cuts in)

Jona: (with a gentle voice) Damn, we are having an interview please.

Patience: Fine. Let’s do a threesome then. Was that not what you called it when that petrol woman joined us?

Jona: okay, gentleman let’s make it a threesome.

Omojuwa: (confused) Sir, I don’t do orgies!

Jona: (raises voice) Forget your urges. It’s an order my friend, a presidential order!

Patience: oya, start with me!

(Omojuwa stands up tries to move )

Patience: No no no, shoot from there boy.

Omojuwa: How do you want it Damn? (a rueful smile)

Patience: Just come direct but don’t come hard.

(Omojuwa gets even more confused)

Omojuwa: (thinking: how do you come direct without hitting hard?) Damn what is your best position?

Patience: Being behind the president. As a first lady that is the best position.

Omojuwa: Being behind? Who’s in charge and how can that be effective considering…
(Cuts in)
Patience: Grammer boy, I support him all the time. That is my position!

Omojuwa: (Now relaxed) Talking about support. Mr. President how is the support from your god fathers coming up?

Jona: Support? The only support I get from them is sending me names of their boys for positions and granting stupid interviews to condemn our transformation efforts.

Omojuwa: Sir, can you tell me some of your early achievements on Transformation?

Jona: A lot of them really. It was this tenure that produced two BET Award winners for Nigeria, Tuface and D’banj my home boy. D’banj also signed with GOOD Music, we won the under 20 nations’ cup and without making mouth I helped to increase Elrufai’s twitter followers.

Omojuwa: (Looking very serious) Great achievements really. How does the transformation theme reflect in your choice of ministers?

Patience: I can answer that. It is a good team already. Dezia is back where I want her. Me and her are two great woman that will move the petroleum business forward.

Omojuwa: Mr. President what do you have to say?

Jona: Look at that list and everywhere you look is transformation. Instead of taking a husband I transform my choice to the wife, instead of taking a father, I transform to the daughter, instead of taking Ota’s choice, I transform to Minna’s instead.

Omojuwa: And one transformation you must be credited for is the Damn First Lady. Like yourself, she had no shoes but now she is a fashion celebrity…apart from a few over application of pan cakes and foundation.

Patience: I use Mary Kay not pan cake.

Omojuwa: Noted Damn! ( I saw a flicker of Lightening in the sky from where I sat and suddenly…)

GBOOOOOAAAA!!!! GBOOOOAAAA!!!! GBOOOOM!!! BOOOOOMMMMBB

(Mr. President runs for cover)

Jona: (shouting) Yay! Yay! Boko Haram don land. (From his hiding under the table) Damn call Hafiz! Call Hafiz!

Patience: (Looking lost) The same Hafiz that got bombed?!

Omojuwa: Mr. President please come out from your hiding, that was Lightening not Boko Haram.

Jona: Damn is that right?

Patience: is lightening that blow and you are hiding what if Boko Haram blow? Sometimes you act like a children Joe.

(President looks embarassed as he made to crawl out)

Jona: (Smiling) Don’t mind me… Sometimes we carry out Bomb drills. You know how it is. Gods willing we won’t experience Bombs here o. If those people have the chance they will bomb me.

Omojuwa: sir they won’t bomb you. You are the president.

Jona: Those boys will go to hell for these troubles.

Omojuwa: Talking about hell…it appears Elrufai is making you go through some hell…
(Cuts in)

Jona: Never! Never! That’s not possible!

Omojuwa: But why would you arrest him twice in a week or so…?

(Cuts in)

Jona: No no. He was not arrested, he was picked. He is my brother but he talks too much. Do you know that he tweeted every move of the arrest? That twitter should be banned.

(Cuts in)
Patience: Don’t ban Teachers, ban English!

Jona: Huh!

Omojuwa: You can sir. Just appoint another bad minister for that ministry and the teachers will be endangered species.

Jona: but I meant twitter. I don’t know how to use it sef like Facebook.

Omojuwa
: that reminds me, you forgot to mention your success on successfully running a Facebook account. Unlike your twitter handle where someone tried to pose as you but got caught.

Jona: huh! Has he been caught?

Omojuwa: yes sir. Apart from the fact that D’banj was one of the first people he followed which is understandable considering your obsession with his Jona Jona song, every other thing showed it was not your account.

Jona: argh! That is bad. So you people know eh? Can you handle a new twitter account for me?

Omojuwa: they will catch me too sir when I follow Elrufai and I keep tweeting sensible things. They will just know it’s not you. Why don’t you try the Damn.

Jona: (instantaneously) DISASTER!!!

Patience: What!!!

Jona: I mean you will be a target for disaster.

Patience: very true my dear. I hear everybody on twitter are making mischiefs

Omojuwa: You can organise another youth lunch and then pick one of them.

Jona: The last one divided them. They said I paid them bribes.

Omojuwa: No sir, they later in their usual style called it a better name, it’s per diem, but you paid some more than the others…

Jona: Youths are not equal…

Patience: No, my teacher said some things are equal and unequal

Omojuwa: Wow. Damn that’s some philosophical gangster there. Also they may be equal but some are more equal than the others. For instance, my own friend was able to get an Ipad with his per diem, another bought a Curve 2 while others had more money to invest into their booming businesses.

Jona: That is transformation…
Patience: And the power of the umblerra

Omojuwa: and of course Fresh air… and congratulations on your new media man. That was a good catch. No matter what he thinks now, he has to make you look good to the public now.

Jona: You are smart. Keep your friends close and your enemies closest

(Patience cuts in)

Patience: Closest Gbagaun! Gbolagaa!!! it’s Closer!

Jona: Sorry closer. I discovered that he was one of the most powerful voices out there and sometimes he attacked me. He even said I did not know how to talk imagine. That I was wrong to say four years was too short. Look at him now, he has to say what I tell him to say. Some people claim to be the Evil Genius but I am the Saint. No one suspects the Saint.

Omojuwa: Wow! That’s some political gangster sir. Wow! In that case get that Mallam that said you spend 2 billion per day on Defence to be Defence Minister now…

Jona: Why do you think those Yellow House boys took him? But he is too stubborn…too stubborn my brother.

Patience: You where do you stand?

Omojuwa: Damn I stand where God stands oh.

Patience: Good of you. The last man that said it stood where we stood so we are one and the same.

Omojuwa: Damn! You are right. We are brothers.

(A security detail whispers to the president:

Jona: Patience your English lesson teacher is here.

Patience: Shut up fool! Our English teacher!

Omojuwa: (cuts in) Oga I teach English too o.

Jona: No no. you write too much, you will write about it.

Omojuwa: Oga I won’t. There is a client confidential paper I’ll give…
(president cuts in)

Jona: Look can we have the interview now? I am quite busy.

Omojuwa: I can see that sir considering we have spent almost one hour sparring. It’s okay sir, I’ll just write about your achievements because I must meet with another client. I am busy. Look at how you are making Chatham house richer…

Jona: Hey! Let’s not go there…

Omojuwa: They are already there sir.

Jona: Who?

Omojuwa: Your favourite Mallam…next to Osun state’s president.

(President reaches for his phone)

Jona: Call me Ita quickly…

Omojuwa: Oga they arrested him but he was going to tweet again so they let him go.

Jona: How do you crash Twitter gentleman?

Omojuwa: Let Damn register a handle. When she tweets, her Gbagauns will be enough to destroy all of them. That is the DISASTER you need.

Jona: (nodding) Very good. Gods willing she will be on twitter from tonight. As for you who did you say you write for?

Omojuwa: FreshFarts dailies sir

Jona: Wonderful! Collect your per diem from that man (points) and please send me the interview when you finish creating it. Don’t forget, I had no shoes.

Omojuwa: And I am Good Luck Jona Than sir!

PS: Obviously, it is a joke!

Are you following us on twitter? @omojuwa if you like this, you will enjoy the Mallam Elrufai interview.

  • http://www.seunmoney.blogspot.com Seun Frank Lucas

    This is the most political comical encapsulation of Jonathan I’ve ever read. Well scripted, omojuwa.

  • S’aaad

    This dude! You have a way of beating yourself. How do you come up with these stuffs. I died of laughter. My eyes have gone red and my ribs out. Wow! wow! it contains everything. innuendo, truth, jokes, satire, sex sef. argh

  • http://phronesisblog.wordpress.com @lammyng

    i ha ve been rolling on d floor…Omojuwa…u are a clown oo…nice concept all d same…did u eventually collect the diem?

  • daibah

    A master piece

  • Remi

    Guy, I’m suing you for cracked ribs! You are definitely next in line to take over when Reuben is taken to the Abbatoir!

  • http://www.greggihenyen.com Gregg

    Brilliant write up…seems now we can also add script writing to your resume. This piece should be acted by Kanayo O kanayo and Patience Ozokwo… And ‘directed’ by DONJAZZY

  • http://eseegun.blogspot.com Segun

    Satirecal reality, funny truth, classical troubleshooting… Fela teash u well sir.. U see this one write as in…..

  • Olutola Omoniyi

    Even Basketmouth would fall off the couch while reading this. Big-ups,Japh!

  • asia

    I salute you! But abeg I no fit go see d yellow boys, in d big compound again, on your bhalf!

  • @yemiKAREEM

    Lmao…
    Omojuwa,
    If Jonathan should see this piece, be prepared to be the next man in SSS net. Hope you’ll tweet us sha. Lol…
    Well nailed brother, thumbs up!

  • Ebi

    If you applied your mind and creativity to solutions instead of satire, the country would be a better place.

  • abeeola

    Wicked guy…*high five dude*. You killed it even Jona than will be Damn proud of you.
    As for your haters & myopic critics, you must take solace in the fact that even God get haters among men, so who be you!

  • adeWaleOla Salami

    This is very comical….truly Omojuwa.com deserves the award. I am sure Jona too would be glad to be a character here.

  • Adesanya Abimbola

    This is a well balanced write ups..funny and interesting as well..thumbs up man.

  • ADEOLUWA O.S.

    Hillarious! Extremely creative and typical of advanced democracies. I have to stop now…the presidential guards might be listening SSSilence.

  • Kay

    Buhahahahahaahahahahahahahahahaha… Lwkmd…. Japh.. Haf wanto kil me ooo…

  • Ayreh

    What a jokertainment way to kickoff d day..Yes Bo$$..Endangered Species!

  • http://Website olayinka

    Me can’t stop laughing o….L???O????????(=)))????O?????L???

  • Imsyy

    Well its funny nd satirical.but i dont think we should b rideculing our leaders,instead we should post how to tacle the bedevilling challenges,even though we must laugh to keep body intact

  • sys

    its awesome!

  • CHINEDU ONUOHA

    WOW! This is BREATHTAKING! It is no Flattery if I say that U are a RARE GEM! It is a Privilege having U as a Friend on FACEBOOK! U EXCITE!

  • sarah

    Awwww, my boo neva dissapoints me! I love u Japh!I’m sooo proud of u#hugs

  • Abdulrahym

    Maaaaaan this is too funnyyyyy! I hope Jona get to see this…LOOL nice one

  • http://citygist.com ogunlade oluwole

    good wisecrack japh….you are not making it easy for me to aggregate you though on my project (the first Nigeria Real time aggregation website http://citygist.com) and it has got to do with your RSS feeds[make it available]. long time japh…and i miss u since january. More wen we hook up

  • ayodele marcus

    Its a wow……..best encapsulation so far…..u r scripturally radical

  • Mojoyin

    You’re just a clown…. I’ld call this hilarious excellence…

  • http://omojuwa.com Japh

    @Wole. wow. where have you been? It is available. Must be some error elsewhere.
    @Panel Of Co-bloggers. I must thank you all for your contributions.We may not all agree on every issue which is a good thing, we will allow every voice to be heard here. Thank you peeps.

  • AyomideAmen

    Nice one bro!

  • http://citygist.com WOLE

    it is only the RSS for the comment that is generated…not for the article…work around it from the admin side. CHEERS

  • http://@spikedspartan BlacBoy

    Totally hilarious and subtly true… Jona should read this pls…

  • eefeanyi

    You You You…I reserve my say

  • Don Baba

    Jona than Dame. Lolz

  • leke

    Have you considered writing a book and getting it published?

  • segun

    i go dier o

  • SSS- Squad

    @ Omojuwa…chai! Ur fada! U wan kill us with laughter for our office abi!… #DoorOpens… Shun Sir… We on his case Sir… #SSSHQ. Omojuwa..abeg dem dey come o!…Go hide with #BokoHaram

  • olumide

    Japh,

    I follow you on Twitter and you come across to me as a whiz kid. Right here you have displayed the fact that you are a genius. Are you human at all?

    Now I know you are not an empty barrel just ranting on twitter for nothing. From the budget scam, to the security scam to this and your effective handling of numbers makes you a Nigerian to watch out for.

    Keep it up dude. Sure proud of ya.

  • http://omojuwa.com Japh

    Thank you Olumide. I’m inspired. LMAO at your words too.

  • abdull

    more grease to your pen, keep it up. very happy that there are people like you who heighten the nation’s resources through vibrant, clearly and facts, feeding “talakas” and the entire nation with it’s neighbours the conspiracies behind our nascent democracy that has led to the underdevelopment and massive abuse of authority assigned to our office holders and has rendered our morals in every society immoral. keep it up my distinguished brother.

  • Adedayo

    Hahahahahahahha!..soo funny.
    Really,the little hope i still have in this country lies in the existence of someone like you.I just wish other youths will be inspired the way u inspire me…i followed you on twitter just for one day and your words moved me to start the “Nigerian Non-violent Resistance Movement( NNRM)” on facebook the next day…I’ll just say; keep it up bro…u’v gat people behind you.

  • tinu

    We need a short film on this narration! Great work JJ, u r definately going places. May God (Allah) continue to be with U! Insha Allah.

  • Tolulope

    Japheth!!!! Brilliant! #Gbam#…

  • sobiye yomi

    Not suprised u could do this too. Nice one. Still laffin!!!

  • Femi

    Very funny…very deep. Incisive. Daring…? Watch your back, son!

  • joejoe

    @Japh – this is so funny and hillarious but i am afriad if you would not turn out to be another Ruben Abbati…!!!!

  • kankey

    This is so funny. Cldnt stop laughing.nice one.
    Easy omojuwa, dnt get urself into trouble

  • famuyide olawale

    Omojuwaaaaa, can’t stop laughing, this is comical clueless exposed.

  • emelie

    Omojuwa, hahahhahahahahahahahaha! U wan kill me? At a point I was scared for u oh. Hope u won’t be taken to d slammer for this! Damn!

  • Photizo Desola

    LWKMD! No be small matter ?! Bros, no let Jona send Otuoke boys after you ?! Waiting for Elrufai’s interview ?!

  • temi

    this is so hilarious,@omojuwa
    More ink to your pen.

  • Paulo luigi

    Watz so funny abt dat whole crap? you fools now find it entertaining in insulting ur president, God is watching, we humans most times bring curses upon ourselves and then blame it on someone else.

  • Paulo luigi

    Japhet i use to like u for ur sheer inteligence but i must say dat u are derailing & if u dnt apply caution ur inteligence will bring misery to you mark My word.

  • Tope

    Damn!!!! JJ is mad….. who’s this Paulo Luigi ranting? Where’s your sense of humour?

  • Igbinogun

    The first family provides us with a lot to laugh and talk about. We are in their debts. Nice one Japh! U re class

  • obi 1

    I am honored to follow u!omojuwa…this satire is reminescent of the abati days..beautiful one…thank u for using ur gift to help us survive d stress in this contraption called 9ja…

  • akanski

    Simply hilarious

  • ola

    Hilarious

  • http://omojuwa.com Japh

    @Paulo I wish you a billion fold of what you wish for me. I dash you your wishes in fold. If you didn’t find it funny you should have stopped reading. I am sure you read everything. And please do not like me. I don’t care about being liked. If the last line that said this was a joke is not enough for you then your business.

    The misery you wrote about is yours. And I am sure there are over a billion folks willing to be liked. Look for them. I do not care for sentiments like that.

  • lajoe

    Jona house of commotion. Very funny. Good one Japh.

  • ayo weke

    I can’t help but laugh, both as I read this piece, and your reply to Paulo. Nice satirical work

  • may

    This should be adapted into a play lol! Well done.

  • saintlua

    i think it’s absolutely dumb for anyone not to see the humour in this.more grease to your elbow japh!Dame!i mean damn!

  • awwal

    Sa gud joke n @ same too xpensive

  • santa

    Can’t decide which is has got me ‘rolling on the floor’! The interview or reply to paulo watchma call his name? Buahahahha

  • http://raymonaz.wordpress.com Azeez Rahmon

    This paulo should be a moron, if u ve nothing to say is it not better you shut up? Anyway Japh in a depressed country like ours its only this than can keep us going. Thump up Man. But next time silence is the best answer for a fool.

  • banks

    i don laff die, abeg send me damn sorry dame twitter handle when she comes on board….

  • http://heemtoshoson.blogspot.com @heem_tosh

    This is very hilarious. It needs to be animated.

  • @ayowanddy

    I’ve always been a fan of your writeups and this obviously is one of the numerous that makes me proud to be associated with you…rhyming reality with jokes is hi’ class creativity. Kudos bruv and as for the Paul guy,I’m so sure GEJ pays his bills so what do u expect?

  • CollinsMaestro

    If Mr Paulo here has lost his sense of humor he will do well to google ‘Obama jokes’. The President of the United States has been ‘yabbed’ so much he even has his own category. I guess even Jonathan would laugh at this and Reuben Abati will duff his hat for Omojuwa.

  • susan

    omojuwa,you never seize to amaze mi… Sincerely am torn,between the interview & the response to mr paulo,which 1 funny pass… You deserve a pat on the back…

  • baba musa

    Hilarious but easy ooo b4 u go price wey u no go fit buy. U knw Naija na.

  • auwal

    ROTFL….damn u r gifted, dis is hilarious..i was threatened dat i’ll b tied up if i ddn’t stop laffin…9ce piece bro…made my day

  • enohor

    Kia,omojuwa do u want to kill am rolling on d floor laughing ma ribs and waist out,nice one bro love when patience said gbagaun not closest closer.

  • ayobami

    @jj, so many words kom at d same time makin it almost impossible pinpoint one…tis is a Genius satirical piece..I mor dan doff mi hat,fila and fez cap for uu…@mr paul and okesinwa; it is most evident dah uu bot hav one tin in common and dats a:VERY SMALL MIND….PS(satirical is d word innit?)….jj dem no fit tak d shine off uu jaree…BUATE!!!!!

  • Nkechi

    What’s funny about this??
    Its written by an idle irresponsile
    person who does not have respect for his parents
    It does make sense let alone funny
    Please let our present be, wether u like
    it or not his ur president.
    (Shameless goat- just joking)

  • idris Mohammed

    Jokingly telling nigerians who is really our president and his… Good one

  • Alagbe Muyideen

    Japh,don’t mind paulo or watever name . This is A????? nice piece for the weekend.lol . 10 gbosas for this joke. Reno can make A????? short script out of this. LMAOOOOO

  • Chyka

    This obviously must have been escavated and extracted from Bakin Zuwo’s portmanteau or even grave. For sure Jona is more enlightened to make this a fun. No fu in this. Very childish to the core.

  • http://nil jim

    It is said that uneasy lies the head that wears the crown. Who are these cronies fighting for the presidemts?

  • Paulo luigi

    The truth is, God has placed an entire network of people in this world into positions of authority. I’m not just referring to our government leaders, but also to the leaders in our workplaces and in our families. Perhaps it’s time to take a look at just how God views authority and our lack of respect thereof.

    Coming under authority and showing respect isn’t easy. Nobody wants to be told what to do or how to do it. We criticize anybody that makes a decision we don’t like. It’s not right. It’s not fair. It’s not good for me.

    In our country we’ve taken our right to free speech to an unbelievable level. We openly criticize our leaders, our country, our values, and pretty much anything else that doesn’t line up with what we want. We don’t see anything wrong with complaining, whining, and showing disgust to anybody who will listen

    Japhet read Romans 13:1-3

  • Jalo.

    I almost tot i was in a cinema hall,this scricp has to be acted..Where is chief Zebrudaya and Ovularia,Classic comic !

  • Doncaster

    Funny but very very dangerous, u can’t do this in korea or china & not get executed……..& why do u always portray el rufai as saint in every of ur post? Dat mallam is just as corrupt(if not more) as those in power now. He’s only making noise on twitter cos he’s having sour grapes .

  • http://www.omojuwa.com Musa Azare

    Mr. Paulo pls shut the h****l up!!! The hilarity in this satirical interview made our weekends pleasant. These leaders or rather, dealers, don’t deserve any praises. We cannot all turn to praise singers simply because Paulo is one!!

  • amishood

    Reading it for the umpteenth time! lwkmd!!!

  • shehu

    Thanks for making my day… As usual aa masterpiece… More greese to ur elbow!

  • teemlad

    Japh! Na waooo! I no fit Laugh my tummy wan boost ooooo.

  • joblessness is evil..avoid it

    Omojuwa joblessness is the root of all evils

  • Yewande

    First to Paulo, God is a respecter of authority true, but God also gave us brains to be use them. There is no harm criticizing and surely u must agree with me dat d wants and needs of pple differ. And let me say dis, even if u disagreed with Japh’s writeup, dia are better ways to have put ur thots/opinion across, afterall it is his page and we do have freedom of speech.

    Japh, u really shd think about writing, I think u will do real gud, it will be a book i want to read

  • http://bglvng.com Eniola

    Jj, what can I say? This write reminds me of Wole Soyinka’s “Trials of Brother Jero”. You are simply fantabolous. Please turn this into a literary piece, you could change the names of the xters if you wish; this piece could be a requirement for Literature Students in Nigeria. Keep using the brain God has blessed u with. However, don’t throw away every criticism without 1st pondering on them. God bless you

  • ofuresonekan

    Great piece as usual.Not disappted at all.Kip up d gud wrk and may God bless and refresh U always,amen.

  • Adedeji Adesegun @dejiSHALOM

    Though written almost a year ago, it sounds fresh and funny to heart and ears.
    Don’t even know or heard of this naughty guy then…he’s something else.
    JJ…fulfilling destiny is not an option for you.
    Grace and strength.

  • http://www.samademi.wordpress.com Ologbenla Adedeji

    Hate him or like him like @opesays says he represents the voice of those that dare not talk…I say he I?????s????? the best that most of us wish to be better than or at least equal to ask JCI UNAAB LOM. Japheth may Ÿ????ø????u????? speaker never become rusty, In poetry critics make Ÿ????ø????u????? a better poet than an admirer and in politics opposition challenges the government to be better. Japheth ride on jawe as Ÿ????ø????u????? use Ÿ????ø????u????? wide variety of talent to bring smiles and hope to the face of Nigerians as proven by this satiric piece of comedy. @deejaybond07

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Supreme Court Dismisses Aisha Al-Hassan’s Appeal

The Supreme Court has dismissed the appeal filed by the All Progressives Congress (APC) candidate, Aisha Al-Hassan. In a judgment delivered by Justice Bode Rhodes-Vivour, the Apex Court held that the appeal lacked merit and substance. The Apex Court upheld the Appellate Court’s verdict which had earlier dismissed the petition on the grounds that the APC and its governorship candidate cannot question the nomination of Governor Darius Ishaku as the candidate of the Peoples Democratic Party...

TSA enhancing autonomy, research, transparency in tertiary institutions – Emmanuel Agha

At no point in the history of contemporary Nigeria has government been able to fully account for all its funds, at once, from a single consolidated view, until now. Thanks to the Treasury Single Account, TSA, which makes this possible. The TSA initiative is not only to the advantage of the federal government and its agencies, but to the benefit of the entire Nigerian populace. This is why it often comes as a surprise when unnecessarily jabs...

Supreme Court Affirms Ishaku As Taraba Governor

The Supreme Court on Thursday affirmed that Mr Diarus Ishaku of the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) as the winner of the April 11, 2015 governorship election in Taraba.   The Justice Bode-Rhodes Vivor-led six justices of the Supreme Court held that the appeal lacked merit.   "We have studied and reviewed the submissions of all the counsel to parties in this appeal and found that there is no merit in the appeal. The decision of the Court of Appeal on this matter is hereby...

Free Feeding: Kaduna Govt Sacks Headmaster, Suspends 2 Others For Diverting Pupils’ Biscuits, Oranges

The Kaduna State Government has sacked two senior education officials and suspended two others for diverting food meant for the feeding of primary school pupils. The Commissioner for Education, Science and Technology, Dr Shehu Adamu, said at a news briefing in Kaduna on Thursday, that the officials had circumvented laid down procedures of the government’s Schools Feeding Programme, which commenced in January. “A School Support Officer in Birnin Gwari Local Government Area (LGA), Ibrahim Abdullahi has been...

Consumer Protection Council Orders MTN To Pay 1.85m Naira To Promo Winner

CPC has directed MTN Communications Limited to pay 1.85 million Naira to one of the winners of its Ultimate Wonder Promo for lack of due diligence. The order of the Consumer Protection Council (CPC) came on the heels of a complaint brought by Mr Omeje Fidelis against the mobile telecommunications giant that he had been underpaid after he was declared winner of two million Naira in the said sales promotion held in 2012 According to Omeje, he participated in...

I Refused To Give Future My Number, Later He Became Famous – Victoria Kimani

In a interview with YFm's Dj Sabby, Kenyan born Chocolate City artiste, Victoria Kimani, revealed how future tried to holla but she blocked him. I never got his number, never really gave him a chance, to really holla at me. I felt really messed up about it later and like years later, he ended up being future.

President Buhari Receives German President In Abuja #Photos

President Buhari received the President of Germany, Joachim Gauck, at the state house, Abuja today Feb 11th. See more photos below...

Kendall Jenner Sues Skincare Company For $10m For Using Her Face Without Permission

The 20 year old model is suing a skincare company called Cutera for $10milion with claims that they used her face and name to advertise their Laser acne treatment taking without her permission. The advert in question features a photo of Kendall and claims their products and treatments improved her skin. The ad reads - "Acne "completely ruined" Kendall Jenner's self esteem" TMZ reports that the documents in the...

U.S Embassy Condemns Attack On IDP Camp Dikwa

The U.S. Embassy in Nigeria has condemned the suicide attack on the Internally Displaced Persons in Dikwa town, Borno state which has left over 51 persons dead and scores injured.   A statement from the Public Affairs section in the Information Office of the Embassy at the Federal Capital Territory says the United States remains committed to assisting the Internally Displaced Populations in the North-east through humanitarian relief...

FG Inaugurates $160m World Bank SME Fund

Minister of Trade, Industry and Investment, Dr. Okechukwu Enelamah on Tuesday unveiled a $160 million (about N49.2 million) World Bank powered scheme to improve access to finance to small and medium enterprises (SMEs) in order to boost employment in the country. Also launched, an online vehicle to properly execute the programme was the Business Innovation and Growth (BIG) platform. BIG is landmark initiative of the Federal Ministry of Trade, Industry and Investment, which is...

Germany Seeks Favourable Investment Environment In Nigeria

The visiting President of Federal Republic of Germany, Mr Joachim Gauck, has advised the Nigerian Government to create the right investment environment for more German businesses. Gauck made the call in Lagos at a reception held for him and members of delegation of German Parliament and German companies that visited Abuja and Lagos. The German President, who expressed satisfaction at the successes so far...

Fire Guts NPC Headquarters In Abuja

A mid-day fire outbreak, yesterday, gutted  the headquarters of the National Population Commission (NPC), in Abuja. The fire incident which was caused by a faulty air conditioner affected the training unit on the ground floor of the complex. In a statement signed by Mr Simon Otene, director, public affairs, NPC, at the time of the fire outbreak, technical staff of the commission were undergoing in-house capacity building training. He said some furniture items, office...

Mexican Crime Reporter’s Half-Naked, Bound Body Found By Side Of Road

Half-naked, bound and with a plastic bag over her head,was how they found the body of a Mexican crime reporter who was murdered after being abducted by 8 armed men wearing military uniforms. Mother-of-two, Anabel Flores Salazar, who was a journalist for the newspaper El Sol de Orizaba, was snatched from her home by men with guns claiming they had a warrant for her arrest.

EFCC Seizes N5bn Houses Of Ex-NAF Chief, Amosu, Others

The Economic and Financial Crimes Commission has seized houses and other properties belonging to the immediate past Chief of Air Staff, Air Marshal Adesola Amosu (retd.), and other senior military officers worth N5bn.  senior EFCC official, who did not want his name in print, told our correspondent that the suspects and others were cooperating fully with the anti-graft agency. The source in Abuja, said, “We have sealed a block of 12 luxury flats, located on...

Colonel Adegbe, ADC To Ex-President Jonathan Arrested – Report

Nigerian authorities have arrested Colonel Ojogbane Adegbe, a former Aide-de-Camp (ADC) to former President Goodluck Jonathan over an issue we are yet to ascertain as at press time. Colonel Ojogbane Adegbe A usually credible source familiar with...

Naira Crashes Further, Now N318 To A Dollar

The naira on Wednesday continued its fall against the Dollar on the parallel market, closing at 318 against the United States dollar. It was the third time in three days the naira would experience a drop. The currency, which was traded at 310 for a dollar on Monday and 313 on Tuesday, crashed again on Wednesday against the dollar, amid dwindling liquidity and now sells for N318.

NBA Accuses Buhari Of Plot To Intimidate Judiciary

The Nigerian Bar Association has condemned in strong terms the recent criticism of the judiciary in the fight against corruption. Speaking at the valedictory session organised in honour of a retiring Justice of the Supreme Court, Justice Mohammed Muntaka-Coomassie, NBA President, Augustine Alegeh, said the recent attack directed at the judiciary over the ongoing anti-corruption war was unacceptable. “The NBA condemns in its entirety the generalisation and/or categorisation of the Judiciary as being corrupt and...

NLC Calls On Nasarawa Govt. To Implement Full Benefits

The Organised Labour are asking the Nasarawa State Government to pay civil servants full January salaries and to implement all promotions with benefits from two thousand and eleven to date among other demands. The ongoing strike is predicated on twenty one point demands which after five extensive meetings between the government and the Organised Labour has been trimmed to fourteen. Addressing journalists in Lafia, the State Head of Civil Service, Joseph Ancho says the government...