Omojuwa: Once again congratulations on your anointing as president of the republic…
Jona: (cuts in) and commander in chief of the armed forces…
Omojuwa: (cuts in) armed robbers…
Omojuwa: nothing Mr. President, that’s part of what we will be discussing.
Jona: Let’s be positive please.
Omojuwa: Yes please. Talking about positive sir…congratulations now you have more shoes than you’d ever need.
Jona: Awww. Thank you. That’s the spirit.
Omojuwa: Sir, what are your concrete plans for Nigeria?
Jona: I already ordered Dangote and the rest of the cement people to make cement cheaper. That way Gods willing Nigeria’s concrete plans will be stonger. No more falling houses. God’s willing.
Omojuwa: I see. Sir a lot of people are of the opinion you are losing your patience with…(Madam Patience bursts in like a bull)
Patience: Joe you called my name now!
Jona: Argh! (looks sad) Nooo. We are having a lunch and the gentleman was talking to me about my patience…
Patience: (cuts in) oh. I am fine. And why didn’t you invite me?
Omojuwa: Ma’am it’s not a lunch, it’s an interview
Patience: Dame! Call me Dame! It is not a lunch but you have food in front of you? What is that called?
Omojuwa: Damn! It is a meal and more appropriately breakfast as this is just 10 am.
Patience: I said Dame not Damn!
Omojuwa: Damn is the higher version of Dame ma. Okay Dame.
Patience: In that case Damn me. I like you. What is your name?
(Jona cuts in)
Jona: (with a gentle voice) Damn, we are having an interview please.
Patience: Fine. Let’s do a threesome then. Was that not what you called it when that petrol woman joined us?
Jona: okay, gentleman let’s make it a threesome.
Omojuwa: (confused) Sir, I don’t do orgies!
Jona: (raises voice) Forget your urges. It’s an order my friend, a presidential order!
Patience: oya, start with me!
(Omojuwa stands up tries to move )
Patience: No no no, shoot from there boy.
Omojuwa: How do you want it Damn? (a rueful smile)
Patience: Just come direct but don’t come hard.
(Omojuwa gets even more confused)
Omojuwa: (thinking: how do you come direct without hitting hard?) Damn what is your best position?
Patience: Being behind the president. As a first lady that is the best position.
Omojuwa: Being behind? Who’s in charge and how can that be effective considering…
Patience: Grammer boy, I support him all the time. That is my position!
Omojuwa: (Now relaxed) Talking about support. Mr. President how is the support from your god fathers coming up?
Jona: Support? The only support I get from them is sending me names of their boys for positions and granting stupid interviews to condemn our transformation efforts.
Omojuwa: Sir, can you tell me some of your early achievements on Transformation?
Jona: A lot of them really. It was this tenure that produced two BET Award winners for Nigeria, Tuface and D’banj my home boy. D’banj also signed with GOOD Music, we won the under 20 nations’ cup and without making mouth I helped to increase Elrufai’s twitter followers.
Omojuwa: (Looking very serious) Great achievements really. How does the transformation theme reflect in your choice of ministers?
Patience: I can answer that. It is a good team already. Dezia is back where I want her. Me and her are two great woman that will move the petroleum business forward.
Omojuwa: Mr. President what do you have to say?
Jona: Look at that list and everywhere you look is transformation. Instead of taking a husband I transform my choice to the wife, instead of taking a father, I transform to the daughter, instead of taking Ota’s choice, I transform to Minna’s instead.
Omojuwa: And one transformation you must be credited for is the Damn First Lady. Like yourself, she had no shoes but now she is a fashion celebrity…apart from a few over application of pan cakes and foundation.
Patience: I use Mary Kay not pan cake.
Omojuwa: Noted Damn! ( I saw a flicker of Lightening in the sky from where I sat and suddenly…)
GBOOOOOAAAA!!!! GBOOOOAAAA!!!! GBOOOOM!!! BOOOOOMMMMBB
(Mr. President runs for cover)
Jona: (shouting) Yay! Yay! Boko Haram don land. (From his hiding under the table) Damn call Hafiz! Call Hafiz!
Patience: (Looking lost) The same Hafiz that got bombed?!
Omojuwa: Mr. President please come out from your hiding, that was Lightening not Boko Haram.
Jona: Damn is that right?
Patience: is lightening that blow and you are hiding what if Boko Haram blow? Sometimes you act like a children Joe.
(President looks embarassed as he made to crawl out)
Jona: (Smiling) Don’t mind me… Sometimes we carry out Bomb drills. You know how it is. Gods willing we won’t experience Bombs here o. If those people have the chance they will bomb me.
Omojuwa: sir they won’t bomb you. You are the president.
Jona: Those boys will go to hell for these troubles.
Omojuwa: Talking about hell…it appears Elrufai is making you go through some hell…
Jona: Never! Never! That’s not possible!
Omojuwa: But why would you arrest him twice in a week or so…?
Jona: No no. He was not arrested, he was picked. He is my brother but he talks too much. Do you know that he tweeted every move of the arrest? That twitter should be banned.
Patience: Don’t ban Teachers, ban English!
Omojuwa: You can sir. Just appoint another bad minister for that ministry and the teachers will be endangered species.
Jona: but I meant twitter. I don’t know how to use it sef like Facebook.
Omojuwa: that reminds me, you forgot to mention your success on successfully running a Facebook account. Unlike your twitter handle where someone tried to pose as you but got caught.
Jona: huh! Has he been caught?
Omojuwa: yes sir. Apart from the fact that D’banj was one of the first people he followed which is understandable considering your obsession with his Jona Jona song, every other thing showed it was not your account.
Jona: argh! That is bad. So you people know eh? Can you handle a new twitter account for me?
Omojuwa: they will catch me too sir when I follow Elrufai and I keep tweeting sensible things. They will just know it’s not you. Why don’t you try the Damn.
Jona: (instantaneously) DISASTER!!!
Jona: I mean you will be a target for disaster.
Patience: very true my dear. I hear everybody on twitter are making mischiefs
Omojuwa: You can organise another youth lunch and then pick one of them.
Jona: The last one divided them. They said I paid them bribes.
Omojuwa: No sir, they later in their usual style called it a better name, it’s per diem, but you paid some more than the others…
Jona: Youths are not equal…
Patience: No, my teacher said some things are equal and unequal
Omojuwa: Wow. Damn that’s some philosophical gangster there. Also they may be equal but some are more equal than the others. For instance, my own friend was able to get an Ipad with his per diem, another bought a Curve 2 while others had more money to invest into their booming businesses.
Jona: That is transformation…
Patience: And the power of the umblerra
Omojuwa: and of course Fresh air… and congratulations on your new media man. That was a good catch. No matter what he thinks now, he has to make you look good to the public now.
Jona: You are smart. Keep your friends close and your enemies closest
(Patience cuts in)
Patience: Closest Gbagaun! Gbolagaa!!! it’s Closer!
Jona: Sorry closer. I discovered that he was one of the most powerful voices out there and sometimes he attacked me. He even said I did not know how to talk imagine. That I was wrong to say four years was too short. Look at him now, he has to say what I tell him to say. Some people claim to be the Evil Genius but I am the Saint. No one suspects the Saint.
Omojuwa: Wow! That’s some political gangster sir. Wow! In that case get that Mallam that said you spend 2 billion per day on Defence to be Defence Minister now…
Jona: Why do you think those Yellow House boys took him? But he is too stubborn…too stubborn my brother.
Patience: You where do you stand?
Omojuwa: Damn I stand where God stands oh.
Patience: Good of you. The last man that said it stood where we stood so we are one and the same.
Omojuwa: Damn! You are right. We are brothers.
(A security detail whispers to the president:
Jona: Patience your English lesson teacher is here.
Patience: Shut up fool! Our English teacher!
Omojuwa: (cuts in) Oga I teach English too o.
Jona: No no. you write too much, you will write about it.
Omojuwa: Oga I won’t. There is a client confidential paper I’ll give…
(president cuts in)
Jona: Look can we have the interview now? I am quite busy.
Omojuwa: I can see that sir considering we have spent almost one hour sparring. It’s okay sir, I’ll just write about your achievements because I must meet with another client. I am busy. Look at how you are making Chatham house richer…
Jona: Hey! Let’s not go there…
Omojuwa: They are already there sir.
Omojuwa: Your favourite Mallam…next to Osun state’s president.
(President reaches for his phone)
Jona: Call me Ita quickly…
Omojuwa: Oga they arrested him but he was going to tweet again so they let him go.
Jona: How do you crash Twitter gentleman?
Omojuwa: Let Damn register a handle. When she tweets, her Gbagauns will be enough to destroy all of them. That is the DISASTER you need.
Jona: (nodding) Very good. Gods willing she will be on twitter from tonight. As for you who did you say you write for?
Omojuwa: FreshFarts dailies sir
Jona: Wonderful! Collect your per diem from that man (points) and please send me the interview when you finish creating it. Don’t forget, I had no shoes.
Omojuwa: And I am Good Luck Jona Than sir!
PS: Obviously, it is a joke!
Are you following us on twitter? @omojuwa if you like this, you will enjoy the Mallam Elrufai interview.